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Be alert. We need more lerts. I kicked the slats out of my cradle when I first heard that one. Try these:

TRUE MATHMETICIANS DO IT .... What class is this? Thinking is discouraged here. Write it down. Anything I write down you can't integrate, differentiate. Important things are always simple. Simple things are always hard. The obvious is hardest to prove. Exact solutions and numerical solutions are overrated. We overrate things in math. Think of z as a number. This crap depends on f. When you plug this in and do arithmetic you get a number. This point doesn't exist yet but that won't bother us (typical mathematician attitude) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. You're supposed to find the application for this. I'm a mathematician. I can teach you to make up your own theorems. We can derive this, but let's define it so we don't have to prove anything. Imagine your right hand is a wooden dowel, or even your right hand. I can talk through this proof in a couple of minutes. I'll keep doing this example until you all realize how marvelous it is.

Be modest and proud of it. Think nobody cares? Try missing payments. Things to consider in dark of night: like when I ran away and turned around and you're standing next to me. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is anger without enthusiasm. Stress is waking up screaming and realize you're not asleep yet. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back. There's 10,000 ways to get in the door. It's what you do there that counts. There's enough guilt in the world without grabbing for more. Delusions? Go for really grand ones. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Once convinced of reality we abide by its values. Illusions kill only if you believe they can. Physical laws can't be ignored. Where those laws don't operate there's no reality. I'm not a demon! Fire just likes me. You're fighting a magical form of the universe. You might want to blow your Karma pool for this. Electrons are our friends because they're small and cute. Even ecologists throw out results below 0.01. I know that note is here SOMEwhere!! All I have to do is FIND it!! Remind me to put my Internet someplace easier to find. My worst sin? Vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That's not vanity, dear, that's imagination. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Your grasp of science lacks opposable thumbs. I can see all the way around this jar and under it and he wants me. You should all be reading this book. You know you can read books.

Committee: a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide nothing can be done. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. University politics are vicious because the stakes are small. Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity. Professionals are predictable, amateurs dangerous. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. Know what you're doing, how long it will take, what it will cost? It isn't research.

You win the rat race you're still a rat. Dirty books are rarely dusty. Collection of stupid things people said. 1-900 hotlines are a pure example of greed. Anybody wasting time and money calling is stupid. Besides they're always busy. Celebrities work hard to get known and wear dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Acquaintance: someone we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.

A day without fusion and radiation is like a day without sunshine. A day without sunshine is like, night. A light year has 1/3 less calories than a regular year. Due to monetary constraints the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut off. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Quantum mechanics: dreams stuff is made of. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Laser printer on stun

In a parallel universe near ours: Extra socks again. Gnab gib is big bang in reverse. My paper on Bosnia is due tomorrow. If the world's ending, why bother? If the universe is everything, and the universe is expanding, what's it expanding into? Why can't we perceive a steady state of the universe instead of a Big Bang? Must one always begin at the beginning and not at the end? How do we perceive infinity? A dragon swoops down and says Pardon me but would you care for a spot of tea?

Sometimes when you dig a hole and put the dirt back in you have more dirt than you took out and sometimes you don't have enough dirt to refill the hole. Does the moon's phase have anything to do with it? Time is usually counted after the fact. At missile launches it's counted before the fact. In history BC years came before the fact, AD years came after. In BC days did clocks (if they had them) run backward? Daylight savings time gives us an extra hour of daylight each day. Will it help corn grow or cause it to dry out? Does it mess up the weather?

Could East Coast people stop a hurricane by turning on fans outside pointed east? If it's zero degrees out today and twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Why is water wet? How fast must you run on water to keep from sinking?

Yesterday the wind blew so hard a chicken laid the same egg 3 times. Does it taste like chicken? Dolphins are so smart they train people to stand at poolside and throw them fish. People don't have the patience of fish. I have the world's largest seashell collection. I keep it on the world's beaches. Perhaps you've seen it. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird gets the worm. The second mouse gets the cheese. Save the whales - collect the whole set. Dogs are so useful they should be sold in vending machines.

A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing." A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. You're around when someone dies look up and wave. Good Morning is a contradiction in terms. Don't like the news? Go out and make your own. Cheer up! Things get worse at a slower rate. Now I stand up and collapse.

Despite the cost of living, notice how popular it remains. On the other hand you have different fingers. Never do card tricks for those you play poker with. Tell a man there's 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Clean shirts attract soup. Some incense boxes smell really good. Others smell like dirty shoes. Food is important for a balanced diet. Avoid blue food. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Reality? That's where the pizza guy's from! An apple every 8 hours keeps 3 doctors away.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just want paychecks. Crime doesn't pay. Does that mean my job is a crime? Can I trade this job for what's behind bathroom door 1? Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done. The sooner you fall behind the more time you have to catch up.

A child is a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. A child performs from the mind for coach or teacher. For parents they perform from the heart. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right tell him it's a lucky guess. That way he develops lucky feelings.

A conclusion means you're tired of thinking. You get experience just after you need it. Horse sense keeps it from betting on people. No one listens until you make a mistake. For every action there's equal and opposite criticism. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal. You learn to swear when you learn to drive. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. When the thing ate my car...That was a wilderness experience.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Calendar dates are closer than they appear. Test of whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive it isn't. Anything dropped in the bathroom lands in the toilet.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. Ever get so drunk, when you put money in the jukebox a pack of Marlboros falls out? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

There's a world market for maybe 5 computers. IBM Chairman Thomas Watson, 1943
Computers don't blame mistakes on other computers. Mobile phone sends fax, draws attention to unread e-mail reminder to recharge mobile phone. Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!

Bacteria are the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A classic is something everybody wants to have read and nobody has. A legend is a lie that obtained the dignity of age. The words and I will be locked in combat until one of us surrenders.

Buy land! They quit making it. Cubicle: a padded cell with no door. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. Flashlight: Case holding dead batteries. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Money can't buy happiness. It can, however, rent it. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Why do banks charge non-sufficient funds fees on money they know you don't have? When a bank is sold who gets the money?

20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover. 20% of the parts account for 80% of the cost. The only way to recan an opened can of worms is use a larger can. Old worms never die. They just worm their way into larger cans.

Military Motos

When you pull the pin Mr Grenade is no longer your friend. A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it, making you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. Army magazine of preventive maintenance

When in doubt, empty your magazine. The easy way is always mined. Napalm is an area support weapon. 5 second fuses burn 3 seconds. Claymores always point at you. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. If we step on a mine, Sir, what do we do? EB: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is jump 200 feet and scatter oneself over a wide area. Somewhere in No Man's Land

B52s are the ultimate close support weapon. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

Look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire, is why aircraft carriers are called bomb magnets. Drawing fire irritates people around you. Teamwork gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Once = accident, twice = coincidence, 3 times = enemy action.

You're forward of your position your artillery will fall short. If the enemy is in range so are you. Only thing more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. Incoming fire has right of way. Bullets speak louder than reason. Tracers work both ways. Not the one with your name on it but the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you should think about.

The more a weapon costs the farther away you have to send it for repairs. Weapons are made by the lowest bidder. Interchangeable parts aren't. Friendly fire isn't. Recoilless rifles aren't. Suppressive fires won't. With plenty of ammo you never miss. Low on ammo you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. If you take more than your fair share of objectives you'll get more than your fair share of objectives to take. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit ever passed combat. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself or sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. You're not Superman. Marines and fighter pilots take note. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Enemy diversion you ignore is the main attack. If your attack goes really well it's an ambush. When you've secured an area remember to tell the enemy. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. If you're short of anything but the enemy you're in a combat zone. The enemy invariably attacks on 2 occasions: when they're ready. when you're not. No such thing as a perfect plan. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. A retreating enemy maybe just falls back to regroup.

World's most dangerous thing: 2nd Lieutenant with map and compass. One enemy soldier is never enough. 2 is too many. Fortify your front, you'll get your rear shot up. You get field experience just after you need it. Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Combat occurs on the ground between 2 adjoining maps. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you so can the enemy. Exceptions prove the rule and destroy battle plans. Everything always works in your HQ and always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

Radios fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar fails at night and in bad weather, especially during both. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way. Short of everything but enemy you're in the combat zone. Items you need are always in short supply.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins. Clean dry clothes collect mud and rain. Weather isn't neutral. The worse the weather the more you're out in it. You always have to march uphill.

When both sides are convinced they'll lose they're both right. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. War doesn't determine who's right. It determines who's left. The only truth about war is people die.

WORLD HISTORY

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthright. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Inhabitants of Egypt, called mummies, traveled by Camelot. Moses led Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread without ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of his sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Greeks invented Corinthian, Doric and Ironic columns. Achilles' mother dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw java. The winner got a coral wreath. Famous Greek teacher Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero tortured his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. George Bernard Shaw canonized Joan of Arc. The Magna Carta said no free man could be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. In the Renaissance Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died from being excommunicated by a bull. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One cause of the Revolutionary War was England put tacks in their tea. Ben Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. He died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865 Lincoln was shot by film actor John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career. Gravity, invented by Isaac Walton, is mostly noticed in fall when apples fall off trees. Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music. Expiring in 1827 he later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

SCIENCE TEST ANSWERS

Vibration is motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go. Tremendous weight pushes down on Earth's center because people stomp around. Vacuums are nothings we only mention so they'll know we know they're there. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Wind is like air, only pushier. Clouds are high flying fogs. I'm not sure how clouds form. Clouds know and that's what's important. Clouds circle the earth around and around. And around. There's not much else to do. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, sometimes brother against brother. Looking at a drop of water under a microscope we find twice as many Hs as Os. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. There's 26 vitamins in all. Some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. Some people tell time by looking at the sun. I never could make out the numbers. There's 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there's 180 degrees between north and south. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. To chemists solutions are things still mixed up. Lime is a greentasting rock.

CYNIC'S GUIDE TO LIFE

Skinny people irritate me especially when they say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now I forgot my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. I never forgot to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

I read this article that said typical stress symptoms are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

You hang something in your closet a while and it shrinks two sizes! Victoria's Secret: Nobody over 30 can fit into their stuff. How to forget your troubles: wear tight shoes.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness. My handle on life broke. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Not sure who he is but he's got his hand in things. 
Kermit The Frog about Jim Henson

Always darkest before dawn, best time to steal a neighbor's newspaper.
Don't like my driving? Take another road. That's why they made so many.
You wouldn't worry what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do. 
I feel down I whistle. Neighbor's dog runs to the end of his chain & gags.
Have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else would you do with it?
When nondrinkers wake up that's as good as they'll feel all day.
Guy removes cigarette butts from the urinal also puts ice in your drinks.
Sign of maturity: being comfortable with people who aren't like us. 
Clean, dependable, hard working... what kind of monster have I become!?!
Stop and smell roses. Sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Ouija buffet. Think what food you want, table moves across the floor to it.
Breakfast any time. I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
You do a good deed get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. 
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're wrong.
This land is your land. This land is my land. Stay on your land.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Write your questions on a $100 bill and send them to me
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible
Catch has never been so fun! - inventor of the hand grenade
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
It's a small world. You gotta use your elbows a lot.
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around
My heart is in the right place because I hid it there.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
I get smart with you? How would you know?
An idea is the only lever which moves the world. 
Doubt is what gets you an education. 
The truth is out there. What are you doing here?
Things always look better when you can't see them.
Send lawyers, guns and money. The shit hit the fan. 
Pizza place sells only slices. Guy tossing triangles
Who stopped payment on my reality check? 
Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200
Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.
"Push to test." "Release to detonate."
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. 
No Radio - Already Stolen 

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Bartender: pharmacist with limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
I love cats ... they taste like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Cats... the other white meat.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Diplomacy means saying 'Nice doggie!' while you find a rock.
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
We're born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The secret of the universe is @*& ^^^ NO CARRIER
Anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and they make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
You're unique like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy. I'm stuffed!"
Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What's a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain hit a bad sector.
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Rather understand a little than misunderstand a lot.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

My kid had sex with/beat up/ratted on/sold drugs to/ bought drugs from/stole money from/robbed/set fire to/ your honor student.

My kid taught your honor student to smoke/learned to smoke from your honor student.

A little girl talked to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and Mother she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl watched her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL Grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's Teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I stand upright my blood doesn't run to my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Children in a Catholic elementary school cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun posted a note on the apple tray "Take only ONE. God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child wrote, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."