by Gwen Dibley
Imagine gazing upon a tombstone from the wild jungles of South America, showing El Físico piloting a space ship...touching the laser cannons used to carve the giant letter openers at Easter Island...seeing the evolution of mankind as brought about by The Man in the Psychic Mask...all these things and more await the curious visitor to The Museum of El Físico Nuclear, located just off Interstate 5 in Gorman. (Roads may be washed out in winter, and even in dry weather the road is an axle buster, so be prepared.) For all that, the trip is well worth it. Mr. Palatkin has assembled the largest collection anywhere of artifacts related to that world famous wrestler El Físico Nuclear.
Mr. Palatkin took us on a personal tour of the trailer housing these wonders. He showed us letters of authenticity by many experts which proved that the artifacts were true beyond a doubt. Before the visitor's very eyes, in the Industrial Light and Magic trailer of the museum compound, the story of our development from sea slugs to coelacanths to lizards to humans is made clear in a dazzling display of pyrotechnics and computer generated animation. And El Físico is there, guiding us along in our path toward perfection, zapping us with cosmic rays at just the right moment, to ensure that we reach our goal. Mr. Palatkin then treated us to a special viewing of the famous levitation footage, proving El Físico's uncanny ability to fly in the air.
The mock up of his Super Science Lab was also thrilling. We felt as if The Physicist might step through the door at any moment! His lab was a strange mix between an extraterrestrial zoo, an alchemist's work shop, and the nuclear reactors at Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Beakers full of strangely glowing orange and yellow liquids bubbled and hissed as I drew near. There was a strong odor of root beer, The Physicist's favorite Earth beverage. His jet pack rested in the corner, beside his magnificent library. On the wall beside his diplomas showing his advanced degrees in astrophysics, xenobiology and temporal relativity were countless autographed photos of such luminaries as Richard Feynman, Erich von Däniken and Ronald Reagan, who, the proprietor assured us, have all visited the museum.
Also present, compliments of the Creation Science Research Center in San Diego, were casts from the famous Glen Rose River tracks, which showed the famous muon shaped footprints of El Físico Nuclear right beside those of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, in Jurassic sediment! Ray Harryhausen was specially commissioned to produce a short film showing Mr. Palatkin's interpretation of the rocks, which were that El Físico Nuclear ran after the titanically striding T-Rex and grabbed a baby australopithecus from its mouth. The footage is amazing and as exciting as anything else by Mr. Harryhausen, but what struck me was that El Físico was saving orphans even as early as 5000 years ago!
Most impressive of all the artifacts, however, was the stela from the Forbidden Tombs of Copán, Mexico, which clearly depicts El Físico piloting his spaceship. I quote from the plaque next to the stone:
This drawing was made in the temple at Copán. Could primitive imagination have produced anything so remarkably similar to a modern astronaut in his rocket? The strange markings at the foot of the drawing can only be an indication of the flames and gases coming from the propulsion unit.
It was so terribly exciting, it was as if I could feel El Físico Nuclear's jet blast blowing in my face as I looked upon that solitary stranger from a distant star, traveling toward us at the speed of light.
The gift shop was well stocked and full of educational items. The Super Gyroscope, which teaches children the concept of balance--not only physical but moral as well--, made a lovely gift for my daughter. His complete library was also for sale. I myself picked up El Físico's pamphlet "The Secrets of Alchemy," published under the anagram "Franc Luce Leísio" Trismegistus. All of El Físico's wrestling matches are for sale on videotape, as well as his books on self improvement, how to become a better speaker, how to meditate, and of course, his body building secrets. And visitors may want to pick up a half scale replica of the Easter Island statues for their gardens, for only $3000!
There was even more out back, where the hills were carved out with a likeness of El Físico, copied from the Nazca lines in Chile. Guests may take a stroll through the Orange Crush Topiary Garden, for which the artist Andy Goldsworthy has worked the abundant tumbleweed and sagebrush population into abstract representations of the exploits of El Físico Nuclear. Words cannot do justice to the scene of oak tree, whose heavily knotted trunk and twisted limbs very much resemble the distorted body of Vandal Drummond, as its branches encircle the firm and straight sycamore. The sycamore stands straight and tall, while the oak seems nearly to grovel at the roots of his victor, El Físico Nuclear. A straggly sagebrush plant and a staunch tumbleweed, representing the infamous Johnny Legend and the loyal Greg Regalado, stand off to the side, cheering on their friends.
Future visitors will be able to visit "Dr. Físico's Tunnel of Love," which promises to provide young couples with a thrill as they traverse the terrors of extragalactic space together! Mr. Palatkin allowed us to go inside, and it looks scary! I won't give away anything, but the ride is scheduled to open next year.
None of the ugly incidents regarding the legal battles between Mr. Palatkin and Mr. Sckreeker were in evidence at the time I visited the museum, and Mr. Palatkin refused to comment under advisement from his lawyers. I am sure that all will be settled to the satisfaction of Mr. Palatkin, who is a sincere and honest individual only concerned with presenting his hero in his truest light. This museum is a must see for those with an interest in science, wrestling, spirituality, alchemy and Free Speech.
© 1998 Denise Hopenhaym
OFFICIAL MEMBER
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