Home Artists Corner FRAMED?

Large New York City loft apartments are well within the price range of most people employed or not.

At least one identical twin is born evil.

Defusing a bomb, you'll always choose the right wire to cut.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom is still clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you're blonde and pretty you're a world expert on nuclear fission at 22.

All grocery bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

You can land a plane with someone in the control tower talking you down.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to deliberately assign them a partner who is their total opposite.

All bombs have electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they'll go off.

A detective can only solve a case when he's suspended from duty.

A man showing no pain during the most ferocious beating winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road you still turn the steering wheel vigorously left to right often.

If you start dancing in the street, everyone you meet knows the steps.

You can always park directly outside buildings you visit.

Even if you're heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight, enemies wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner while you knock out their predecessors.

A person knocked unconscious by a blow to the head never suffers a concussion or brain damage.

When alone, foreigners speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an 8 year old child.

TV news bulletins usually contain a story affecting you personally at the precise moment you turn the TV on.

HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS

Beware of strangers bearing destruction tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, or Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators.

When it appears you killed the MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature) DO NOT check to see if it's really dead. Keep hacking it until it's in pieces small enough not to threaten you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head. Shoot till it stops moving. Shoot till you're out of ammo. Reload and shoot it some more. Set it on fire and burn it up. This works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there.

Running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall at least twice, more if you're female. If you look back you'll trip immediately and be killed. If you turn and look back and don't see the MSDC chasing you run immediately back the way you came because the MSDC is now in front of you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior e g hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc, get as far away from them as possible.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language they don't know, or if they speak to you in a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It'll save you grief in the long run and take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.

In the Arctic you find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite or preferably a thermonuclear weapon. If it thaws it'll kill you and every living thing on earth.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what goes on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience. They're much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one) Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If you're alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through any exit in the opposite direction. No exit? Make one.

Searching for something which caused a noise and find it's the cat, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY OR YOU'LL SOON DIE.

If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of African big game hunter Robert Ruark "USE ENOUGH GUN" or preferably a chain gun.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER, EVER pair off or go it alone. The more people distracting the MSDC the better your chance of escape.

If you run over the MSDC in your car, keep going. Don't get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is really dead.

If entering your craft you put your hand in a sticky/slimy/resinous substance not there before, turn and run immediately or you'll be killed.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and get the hell out of the area.

If you hid from the MSDC and aren't found, don't peek from or leave your hiding place or you'll be seen and killed.

If companions turn up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If the place you visit is known for mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave immediately.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive you can't identify, don't pick it up or touch it with anything.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if it resembles Santa Claus.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you know what you're doing.

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home spew body fluids it's time to move out.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

If relatives or pets return from the dead, stay as far away from them as possible.

Towns look deserted for good reason. Take the hint and stay away. 

If inanimate objects e g dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, leave. 

Never accept gifts from strangers you suspect are supernatural beings. 

Never enter a car before checking the back seat for occupants. 

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those stocking Redrum.

If your house says GO AWAY leave immediately. 

If appliances start operating by themselves, leave immediately. 

Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC in the house. 

Never read books that summon demons aloud, even as a joke. 

If supernatural beings call your name, leave immediately. 

Don't search the basement, especially if power is out. 

Never believe your companion is truly dispossessed.

Make sure your gun is loaded before using it. 

Never take dares to spend a night in a haunted house. 

If demons possess your companions leave the area.

Don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 

If priests won't or can't enter your home, move.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing. 

Never put your back to or lean on a door. 

Never speak to clowns in sewers. 

Never back into or through rooms. 

Don't take anything from the dead. 

Don't look under beds. 

MOVIE QUOTES

1. "Over? You said over? Nothing's over until we say it is!"

2. "I put the grrr in swinger, baby!"

3. "We're on a mission from God."

4. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."

5. "You'll need a bigger boat."

6. "It's not show friends. It's show business."

7. "Laugh it up fuzzball."

8. "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

9. "I feel the need for speed!"

10. "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, 
     greed for lack of a better word is good."

11. "I'll have what she's having."

12. "Life moves fast. 
     You don't stop and look around once in awhile you miss it."

13. "Go ahead, make my day."

14. "Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it rains."

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