(Yes, I know the title sounds like something from a bad porn movie.  I couldn't come up with anything better.)

This'll make a lot more sense if you are familiar with the casts of "Buffy", "Angel", "Farscape" and "Now and Again".
 

According to rumour, Series 5 is barely in the conceptual stage.  Brannon and Rick haven't even decided what the format of the new show will be, let alone the cast.  Thus, I'd like to give them a hand and offer them a few tips.  And since Star Trek characters tend to be archetypes anyway (there was reportedly some friction during the early production of Voyager, when the producers couldn't agree on whether Janeway should be Ripley or an Earth mother.  Instead of actually making a choice, they just change it every week), I've decided to violate a few copyrights and borrow the intellectual property of a few other shows.

Ship's counsellor: Cordelia Chase.  Sure, she's an insensitive, bitchy beauty queen who gets migraine-inducing visions, but every Trek needs blatant eye-candy, and at least she's a better character than Deanna.  Anyway, do we *really* want our heroes sitting on the couch spilling their guts about their neuroses?  No, we want to find out that they have problems early in the teaser and watch as everything resolves itself in the next hour.  In light of that, Cordelia's perfect for the job: she'll pretend to listen until she gets bored, and then kick the patient out.  And no one states the obvious like Cordy.

Chief engineer: My mate Lachlan.  He's not famous, he's not especially good looking and he wouldn't know an episode of Trek if it bit him on the nose.  But *damn* he can fix a car, microwave, washing machine or any other piece of machinery you'd care to name.  Give him a couple of days, and he could probably tackle a warp core in his sleep.

Security: Aeryn Sun.  Because she's the best reason to watch Farscape and because it would be cool to have a female security chief again.  Oh, and she's qualified, which puts her a cut above Cordelia or Lachlan.  And anyway, I can't come up with any Farscape fic, maybe I'll be more successful working in the Trek universe.

Ops: Michael Wiseman.  Without a series since Now and Again was *choke* cancelled, Michael can have a second (no, third) life as chief of operations on the … well, whatever it is this ship is called.  We have the usual qualifications problem, but hey, he looks good.  If nothing else, he could well beat Harry Kim in the multiple death competition.

Conn: John Crichton.  I may not know much about Farscape yet, but I've figured out that John and Aeryn are Not To Be Separated.  Anyway, John's a pilot, and he's demonstrated a knack for alien technology.  And he has the smart-ass humour which is a compulsory part of any pilot's personality.

Chief Medical Officer: Doctor Theodore Morris.  Not only is he the best guy to have around if Michael breaks, but let's face it, the guy can bring people back from the dead with a minimum of technobabble, a handy skill in any situation.  Although the first officer won't be needing it…

First Officer: Angel. Tall, dark, good looking, brooding and seemingly capable of a limited range of facial expressions.  Yup.  Sounds like first officer material to me – just look at Chakotay.  Aside from his obvious qualities, though, he has also demonstrated admirable loyalty to Buffy. (Apart from when he was evil of course.  Everyone has an off-day.)

And the captain.  Who is it that fulfills the necessary criteria for a captaincy?

Well, actually, me.

Don't look at me like that.  I can drink coffee – it's a skill I demonstrate frequently.  In fact, I'm demonstrating it at this very moment, which probably explains something about this column.

Aw c'mon, it's *my* website.  Go and make your own list if you want to be captain.  Me, I'm staying put in this nice comfy command chair.  The coffee's good, the pay is generous and dammit, if you're going to stick Michael Wiseman, John Crichton and Angel on the same ship, you're gonna have a hard time moving me.
 

Finding it all just a little too heroic?  Visit the dark side of the Trek force.

Feedback and chocolate: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright © 2000 Elizabeth M. Barr

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