Every wondered how it is that Janeway can go from Obsessive Maniac to Smiling, Capable Captain between episodes?

Contains spoilers for "Equinox 2"

After the Equinox incident

Tuvok did not look up when Kathryn Janeway entered the mess hall, but he was immediately aware of her presence.  Even if he hadn’t been so attuned to Kathryn, the awkward silence which accompanied her entrance was a dead giveaway.

She carried a small container of croutons, which she placed next to Chakotay’s salad.  Chakotay touched her arm and they spoke for a few moments, presenting a unified front to the crew.  Tuvok was reminded of the ancient Earth civilisation, the Roman Empire, who had produced coins illustrating "the concord of the army" in the middle of a civil war.

He had spent over 100 years studying humans, but even now he didn’t completely understand them.  But he understood Kathryn.  She laughed softly at something Tom Paris said, smiled affectionately at Neelix, but Tuvok could discern the subtle tension in her mind and body.  The captain smiled, but inside she was screaming.

She came to his quarters exactly an hour after he’d left the party.  Her ‘command mask’ was down and her eyes were haunted.

"Tuvok…" she whispered.

"Kathryn." He would never have dreamt of addressing her by her personal name in public, but this was an intensely private situation.

"I – I need…"  her voice trailed off.  Tuvok was familiar with this pattern, developed over many nights since the fateful alliance with the Borg two years ago.  She would never ask him directly, but Tuvok understood her unspoken request.

He touched her hand – he rarely initiated physical contact, and normally had trouble tolerating her affectionate taps – but this was the ilyan-t’mar.  Traditional rules didn’t apply to this situation.

"Come in," he said.

They sat cross-legged on the floor, a meditation lamp between them.  Tuvok lit the flame, seeing it’s light reflected in her shadowed eyes.

"Do you mind…?" Kathryn asked.

"My wishes are irrelevant, Kathryn.  The point is, are you comfortable with this?"

"No.  But I need it."  Unshed tears welled up in her eyes.  "I shouldn’t.  It’s unprofessional.  But I need your help."

Tuvok nodded in understanding.  She had been hesitant to even consider his offer when he first told her of the ilyan-t’mar, but she had been distraught enough to accept anyway.  And so the pattern had begun: late night visits after stressful or painful experiences.

Tuvok placed his fingers on her face.  "My mind to your mind," he began.  "your thoughts to my thoughts … we seek the turmoil, the storm within.  The ilyan…"

The cargo bay.

Lessing strapped to a chair while she gloried in her power over him.

Chakotay, wanting to be her lifeline to sanity.

Ransom, whose haunted eyes seemed to mirror her own guilt.

The anger.

The exhilaration, the adrenaline.

The certainty.

And, behind this, the most recent pain, was the older trauma: the Array bursting into a fireball.

Kes, disappearing into a flash of light, her baby running away from the family.

Tuvok reeled under the onslaught.  No stranger to intense emotion himself, he was always impressed by Janeway’s control.  This degree of pain and anger had once torn Vulcan apart, yet Janeway seemed to be able to suppress it most of the time.

And when she couldn’t, she came to Tuvok.

Tuvok initiated the t’mar, the cleansing.  His own control, the result of years of training and practice, was passed onto Kathryn, while he accepted the burden of her pain for himself.  The trauma was a small price to pay for the light which returned to Kathryn’s eyes.

"Tuvok…" Kathryn whispered.  There was a small smile on her face; she looked like a woman in ecstacy.  This was the reason for the secrecy surrounding the ilyan-t’mar: the taking of pleasure and the giving of pain.  Both partners could be driven insane if the bond was abused.  It was only taught to those who had pursued the Kolinahr, technically, it should only have been practiced by those who had attained that state.

With an effort – with Kathryn’s ilyan lessened, the bond had become almost pleasurable for both – Tuvok broke the meld.

Kathryn opened her eyes and took a deep breath.  Her eyes were no longer shrouded by guilt. "Thankyou," she murmured.  "I know this isn’t easy for you."

Tuvok touched her hand, almost enjoying the effect of the touch telepathy.  "You’re welcome, Kathryn."  In the aftermath of the bond – Kathryn had once called it the afterglow – his emotional responses were heightened.  He would have to spend the rest of the night meditating to maintain a proper equilibrium tomorrow.

As he watched Kathryn stand gracefully and move to the door, he decided the price was worth it.

END

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