I know, I know, the chances that contemporary email conventions aren’t likely to be around in the 24th century are slim to none.  Suspend disbelief.  Warning: this story lurches from serious to absurd in the space of an email, and includes some less than subtle references to a well known ISP, a certain computer virus, Goings On at Deck 9, Section 12 and an in-joke which really should be allowed to die a natural death.

TO: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
FROM: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: debriefing

Captain Janeway,

Your formal debriefing is to begin at 09:00 tomorrow morning at Starfleet Command.  As requested earlier, to avoid contamination, please refrain from contacting your former crew.  Please consider yourself confined to quarters until the debriefing is complete.

Fleet Admiral Alynna Necheyev.

TO: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
FROM: angrywarrior@fol.com
SUBJECT: Are you okay?

Kathryn, what’s happening?  We haven’t been able to make contact with you since you left the ship.  The whole crew has been confined to the ship and people are starting to worry.  And Starfleet has blocked off all communications from Voyager.  (Harry and Seven have managed to falsify accounts with Ferenginar On Line, but I can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to keep it without being noticed.)

Are you all right?  We need to know – the crew is getting restless, but knowing that you’re okay would probably settle things for a while.

C.

TO: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: b.torres@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Pig

Tom, how can you even *think* of a party now?  The captain’s being held incommunicado, the crew has been confined to the ship and *everyone* is ready to explode – and you want to throw a *party*!!??

Explanations…?

B’Elanna

TO: tuvok@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
RE: I love you

Hey Tuvok, check out this file I found in the computer.!

[ATTACHMENT: iloveyou.exe]

TO: b.torres@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Pig

It’s the best possible thing for the crew.   We’re all going stir crazy here – I’ve been sending novelty messages to Tuvok to pass the time, since Chakotay insists that I maintain helm duty – we *need* a party.

TO: angrywarrior@fol.com
FROM: abuse@fol.com
SUBJECT: Your FOL account

It has come to our attention that you have somehow forgotten to pay the 10 bar joining fee for your FOL account.  We welcome your custom, and in light of the fact that you have gone to so much trouble to become a part of our friendly family operation, we would like to offer you continuing membership and a 3% discount on the 50 bar fraud fine.

Hrink of Ferenginar

TO: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: h.kim@voyager.starfleet.net, 7of9@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Tom!!!!!!!

Tom, what the hell have you done to Tuvok’s console?  He said that he opened a file you sent him and the computer began to cascade.  Fortunately, Tuvok isolates his messages from the rest of the computer – thank God for Vulcan caution and security paranoia.  We’ve spent the last four hours trying to retrieve Tuvok’s security data and we are *not* happy.

Harry (and Seven)

TO: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
FROM: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT:  Worried

Kathryn,
I wanted to say that I’m sorry for what was said in the debriefing today.  I promise, I had no idea that Nechayev would take that tack – as if *you* of all people would become romantically involved with your first officer.

Are you all right?  You’ve seemed dispirited for the past couple of weeks.  I understand that the isolation from your crew must be painful.  If it’s any consolation, I speak from experience when I say it’s no better for their families.  To know that their loved ones are in orbit, but being forbidden to make contact…

Well, I can bend the rules here.  I’ve spoken to your mother (more precisely, your mother spoke to me.  At length.)  At any rate, I’m passing on a message: she’s missed you since you left, and the wait for your release is painful.  She loves you and she has no doubt that you’ll be exonerated.

I’ve made some changes to your communications situation.  Until midnight tonight (only an hour I know, but it was all I could do), you’ll be able to send messages to myself and your mother.

Owen Paris

TO: g.janeway@earth.org
FROM: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Mom…

I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say, whatever you said to Owen Paris, it worked!  Even in text, the man sounded intimidated.

It’s been so long since I had any kind of positive contact.  Well, only 2 weeks, but it seems like a lifetime.  I never thought that the debriefing process would be easy, but I’d never anticipated such an intense interrogation.  Nechayev somehow implied that I’d had affairs with my entire senior staff (I really must ask Owen about her personal life one day – I suspect it’s fascinating…)  It wasn’t so bad until she started on Chakotay, constructing some bizarre theory in which he seduces me and takes over the ship.  Oh Mom, if you’d ever met the man, you’d know why the experience was so surreal – I can’t imagine Chakotay doing anything but what was best for me.

I have to go,

Katie

TO: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
FROM: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Worried

Thankyou, Owen.

I think that I feel better now.  Less depressed.  Galvanized for action.

I’m going to make it through this debriefing process if it kills me.

Kathryn

TO: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
FROM: r.barclay@research.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: The Voyager crew

Dear Admiral,

I was wondering whether the ban on communications with Voyager might be lifted for the members of the Pathfinder project.  We – I, in particular – would very much like to speak to Lt. Torres and the Borg woman, among others, about their new propulsion system.

Reg Barclay

TO: r.barclay@research.starfleet.net
FROM: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: The Voyager crew

Dear Mr Barclay,

Your request for communication with the Voyager crew is denied.  The Pathfinder project is too trivial – one might even say irrelevant at this time – to warrant an exception to the communications ban.  Even more urgent needs have been postponed.

Fleet Admiral Alynna Nechayev

TO: neelix@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: b.torres@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT:  **Leola root entrees???!!!**

Neelix, it’s bad enough that *I* have to organise this party, since Tom’s stunt with that virus landed him in Chakotay *and* Tuvok’s "crewmembers to pick on at every opportunity" books.  Don’t spoil it by putting leola root *anything* on the menu.

B’Elanna

PS: I can’t help thinking back to your performance at our last party.  Let’s see if we can’t keep our clothes on this time round, okay?  Because drunk and revolted Klingons – even half-Klingons – don’t make good party guests.

B.

TO: b.torres@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: neelix@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: **Leola root entrees???!!!**

I’ve always considered it a pity that the crew hasn’t warmed to leola root.  I’ve experimented with so many dishes, but the result is always the same: complaints, cruel (but amusing) barbs and leftovers.  Of course, there *are* the Bolians, but … well, let’s just say that the Bolians aren’t exactly representative of the whole crew.  Still, it *is* a party, and you *are* half-Klingon…

About the second matter: I understand completely.  And whatever it is I was doing at that last party which led to such a display … I *promise* you, I will not be doing it again!

TO: d.troi@enterprise.starfleet.net
FROM: r.barclay@research.starfleet.net
cc: l.zimmerman@jupiterstation.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Voyager

Deanna, Dr Zimmerman,

I’ve been refused permission to contact the Voyager crew, as Admiral Necheyev feels that the Pathfinder project is "irrelevant".  I was hoping that similar requests from Dr Zimmerman and an Enterprise crewmember might prove more effective.  I hate to think that the Voyager crew might be completely isolated from the rest of the Fleet.

Reg

TO: j.picard@enterprise.starfleet.net
FROM: d.troi@enterprise.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Voyager

Captain,

Today I received this message from Reg Barclay:

>Deanna, Dr Zimmerman,
>
>I’ve been refused permission to contact the Voyager crew, as Admiral Necheyev feels that the >Pathfinder project is "irrelevant".  I was hoping that similar requests from Dr Zimmerman and an >Enterprise crewmember might prove more effective.  I hate to think that the Voyager crew might >be completely isolated from the rest of the Fleet.

>Reg

Perhaps *you* could direct the full force of your reputation towards helping the Voyager crew…?

Deanna

TO: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
FROM: j.picard@enterprise.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Voyager

Owen,

I was wondering whether you’d be able to make an exception to the ban on communications with Voyager.  I would welcome the opportunity to communicate with the Borg woman, Seven of Nine, and Captain Janeway herself.  It occurs to me that the crew of Voyager would likely appreciate the contact.

Jean-Luc

TO: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
FROM: l.zimmerman@jupiterstation.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: bureaucratic narrow-mindedness

It seems to have escaped the attention of the pen pushers at command that members of Starfleet – including myself – need to make contact with the Voyager crew.  I would consider it a personal slight if Starfleet failed to move beyond their petty political maneuvering to recognise that *some* of us have important work to do, which depends on the presence of Voyager’s Holographic Doctor.

Of course, not everyone can be gifted with the intelligence to realise this.  After all, *I’m* a holographic engineer, not a tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood.

Lewis Zimmerman

TO: j.picard@enterprise.starfleet.net
FROM: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Voyager

I’ve made a note that you may communicate with Seven of Nine, on condition that Starfleet be allowed to keep records of the exchange.  Kathryn, however, remains under house arrest, although I have hopes that the debriefing process will be over soon.

Owen

TO: l.zimmerman@jupiterstation.starfleet.net
FROM: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: bureaucratic narrow-mindedness

Dear Dr Zimmerman,

Perhaps you should consider re-reading the handbook on communications with superior officers?

Fleet Admiral Alynna Nechayev

TO: 7of9@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: emh@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Where are you?

Seven, you’re late for your weekly maintenance and social lesson.  Are you all right?

The Doctor

TO: emh@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: 7of9@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Where are you?

I have been allowed to communicate with Captain Picard of the Enterprise.  He is an intriguing individual; I intend to forgo other commitments to continue the conversation.

I apologise for neglecting to cancel our appointment.

Seven

TO: all-hands@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: neelix@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT:  Morale booster!!

Good news, everyone!  I just heard from Seven of Nine (who heard it from Captain Picard, who heard it from Admiral Paris himself) that the captain’s debriefing will soon be over!

We’ll all be able to celebrate this wonderful news at tonight’s party.  I look forward to seeing everyone there!

Neelix

TO: neelix@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Still confined to quarters here!!!

Hey Neelix, you forgot that *I* won’t be able to celebrate – our valiant surrogate leaders have confined me to quarters, remember?

Perhaps you could put a good word in for me with Chakotay?

Tom

TO: flyboy@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: neelix@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Still confined to quarters here!!!

Tom, I have absolutely no sympathy at all – it serves you right for introducing ancient computer viruses to Commander Vulcan’s computer.

Neelix

TO: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
FROM: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Captain Janeway

Owen, I’m convinced that Captain Janeway has behaved appropriately through most of her journey, and she seems well aware of her lapses.  I still have some reservations about her relationship with the first officer, but it’s not important – I doubt that anyone would *really* care whether or not they’re involved.  I’ve decided to vote for her release tomorrow.

Alynna

TO: a.nechayev@command.starfleet.net
FROM: o.paris@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: Captain Janeway

I completely agree.  Kathryn’s been through enough.  And I want to see my son.

Owen.

TO: chakotay@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM:  tuvok@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT:  The party

Commander, security reports that the party is not being held in holodeck 1 as originally planned, but Deck 9, Section 12 – specifically Lt Paris’s quarters.  This completely destroys the point of confining him to quarters.  Shall I break up the festivities?

Lieutenant Tuvok

TO: tuvok@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: chakotay@voyager.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Re: The party

Don’t bother, Tuvok – the crew has a right to celebrate.  In fact, I’m going down myself in a little while.

Chakotay

TO: chakotay@voyager.starfleet.net
FROM: k.janeway@command.starfleet.net
SUBJECT: Freedom

Chakotay,

I’ve just been released from house arrest – I can return to Voyager tomorrow morning.

We have a lot to celebrate.  And to talk about.  Join me for dinner tonight? I feel like cooking.  (Don’t look so scared!  I’ve been practicing since New Earth!)  Meet me at the officers quarters at 20:00 hours – and bring an appetite.

Love, Kathryn

END

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Copyright © 2000 Elizabeth M. Barr

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