Beware of the Pony

The Evil Pony Plot! - The Interlude

The Great Barbie Horse, Western Fun Sunrunner, has left Spare Oom to search for allies in the hope that together they might defeat Buzzer, the Evil Pony Nast-E Professor. Buzzer's Plot was originally an attempt to simply take over Spare Oom, but now it would seem that she has designs on the rest of the How-se.
Will nothing end her Rein - er, I mean Reign - of Terror???

Sunrunner:
Can you see them? Are they gone?

Koala:
Yes, I think so, your Serene Horsenessness. I heard the evil stealth cowboys go that-away...

Sunrunner:
Pity. I could have kicked them all into hypothetical constructs if they'd got close enough without their damn jet.

Koala:
Errrr...

Sunrunner:
Sorry. Darn jet. Happy now?

Koala:
I beam at the delight of your presence, your Ponyosityship.

Sunrunner:
Riiiight.

Sunrunner:
Look at that! Disgraceful! He's passed out from all the chocolate!

Koala:
I'm afraid all the Transformers have completely given in to their baser desires, Horsenessness. You wanna trample him to death? Huh huh?

Sunrunner:
No, no, I'm sure he'll see the error of his ways when the diet starts to set in. Then he'll beg to be trampled on, I'm sure.

Koala:
You have a surprisingly ruthless and mean frame of mind for someone ostensibly on the side of Good...

Sunrunner:
My Barbies always said that, too. But I can't help it. It must be Mattel's manufacturing process. I go to anger-management now, though. And I can look at sparkly shiny twinkly pink things without screaming.

Koala:
Well done, Ma'am!

Sunrunner:
You can stop winding me up now, you little . . . er, creep.

Sunrunner:
All right, we made it out of Spare Oom. Can you get back by yourself? I must continue my search for a rider now, so I'll need you to keep an eye on things back home. If all else fails, hide in the Rocking Chair above Buzzer's palace where the Kitty Cat sometimes sleeps, and make notes. If I can figure out how to split Buzzer's coalition into its various factions before I attack, I'll be that much more assured of victory.

Koala:
Your wish is my command, Ponyship. Here, I made you a packed lunch.

Sunrunner:
Oh! Thanks. It's rather large. I'll . . . eat all of it eventually, I hope.

Meanwhile, back in Spare Oom:

Buzzer:
Wow, it's truly amazing what you can accomplish with a little chocolate and some double-crossing a la Survivor. I knew watching every episode of that programme would be useful; now I just have to figure out how to capture Jeff Probst so that I can teach him a lesson... eh, Tulip?

Tulip:
---ing right. I'll ---ing teach him to be so ---ing snooty.

Buzzer:
Language, Tulip, really! What I find the most amazing, of course, is how you can pronounce all those dashes. And I could never figure out the meaning of the word "ing".

Tulip:
Just because you're so ---ing smart, doesn't mean you can be ---ing condescending, Nast-E.
Buzzer:
Ing ing ing!! Yes. Of course, if you aren't a Terry Pratchett fan, this whole long tribute to The Truth will mean absolutely nothing whatsoever. But back to the plot...

Tulip: The Evil Pony Plot!
Buzzer:
Thank-you, Tulip. Where was I? Ah yes - what Jeff Probst's dumbed-down version of the Art of War has taught me. I will be very careful to keep the members of my alliance happy; I will eat as much secret food as I can possibly stash away without being caught; and never, ever, will I try to light a fire with two sticks. Especially when the idiot standing next to me is wearing concave reading-glasses, which everyone with three brain cells knows will focus light-rays and light a fire. Presto! No sweat!

Tulip:
We don't need to light ---ing fires around here, Nast-E Professor. Of course, toys don't actually need ---ing warmth...

Buzzer:
Nevertheless it is a valid point. I'm almost ready for Phase Two: Retirement From Public Life. I have my memoirs to write, and I must try to master the joys of oil painting and sculpture and calligraphy and all the other things one does when one is rich and famous. Maybe I'll write a History of the World. I'll certainly go in for a Wild phase, with mad orgies and champagne-drinking, followed by a thoughtful phase involving philosophy...

Pooky:
But Professor! You've only just conquered Spare Oom! We're wiping out the last pockets of resistance as we speak!

Buzzer:
No no, Pooky. I have been "Neutralising the Clear and Present Danger". Then I've been busy "Pacifying the Ultra-Right", and soon I'll "Have Consensus". I think I'll hereby make you my Vice-Premier in charge of Spin... Of course I'll be President-for-Life, but I expect you two to develop your own political agendas. It may be good if you seem to oppose each other. Once I've set up my Ministry of Information, Tulip, you'll be in charge of Social Wellness and even Arts and Culture, if you like. I'll declare general elections in May, and you can both run for Prime Minister... whoever wins can form a government to run Spare Oom "On Behalf of the People".

Tulip:
You're ---ing telling me that I'll still be in charge of torturing dissidents, while Pooky will be in charge of ---ing government propaganda?

Buzzer:
Mmmm, Tulip, you are a dark horse... Exactly. We'll have all the outward show of democracy - or "toonocracy" as these other stupid toys call it - but in reality I will merely have consolidated my grip on power. Pooky will teach my beloved subjects to adore me, while Tulip will remove those who misguidedly oppose my policies. Pooky looks confused! See? It's all in what you choose to call things. Change the name, change the thing. I shall rename Spare Oom the "Glorious People's Republic", and speak of a "Reign of Peace to Last a Thousand Years"! I'll be an Acknowledged Elder Statespony, able to influence policy at the highest level.

Tulip:
What about the other R'Ooms in the How-se? How will they react to you seizing power?

Buzzer:
I'll be Someone They Can Work With; I'll have a Harsh Attitude towards Disagreement with my Forward-thinking Policies, but at the same time, be Willing to Make Concessions and See Reason when it comes to Agreeing To Disagree. Freedom is so messy. They can understand the Iron Fist in the Velvet Glove, and anyway, I'll invite their leaders to Tea. It never fails.

Tulip:
And something ---ing tells me that Pooky and I will be the only candidates for office in your ---ing much-vaunted elections.

Buzzer:
I think you should be my Minister of Information and Premier of the Proper Use of Spin, Tulip. Pooky will just have to get good at forcing confessions out of Rebel Dissidents and the Intelligentsia. But enough Idle Conversation To Fill In Plot Points! It's time for Limbo!

Home Part One Part 2 Part 4 L-Space Cartoons The Discworld Feedback

Sunrunner:	Can you see them? Are they gone?
Koala:	Yes, I think so, your Serene Horsenessness. I heard the evil stealth cowboys go that-away...

Sunrunner:	Pity. I could have kicked them all into hypothetical constructs if they'd got close enough without their damn jet.
Koala:	Errrr...
Sunrunner:	Sorry. Darn jet. Happy now?
Koala:	I beam at the delight of your presence, your Ponyosityship.
Sunrunner:	Riiiight.

Sunrunner:	Look at that! Disgraceful! He's passed out from all the chocolate!
Koala:	I'm afraid all the Transformers have completely given in to their baser desires, Horsenessness. You wanna trample him to death? Huh huh?
Sunrunner:	No, no, I'm sure he'll see the error of his ways when the diet starts to set in. Then he'll beg to be trampled on, I'm sure.

Koala:	You have a surprisingly ruthless and mean frame of mind for someone ostensibly on the side of Good...
Sunrunner:	My Barbies always said that, too. But I can't help it. It must be Mattel's manufacturing process. I go to anger-management now, though. And I can look at sparkly shiny twinkly pink things without screaming.
Koala:	Well done, Ma'am!
Sunrunner:	You can stop winding me up now, you little . . . er, creep.

Koala:	Your wish is my command, Ponyship. Here, I made you a packed lunch.
Sunrunner:	Oh! Thanks. It's rather large. I'll . . . eat all of it eventually, I hope.

Buzzer:	Wow, it's truly amazing what you can accomplish with a little chocolate and some double-crossing a la Survivor. I knew watching every episode of that programme would be useful; now I just have to figure out how to capture Jeff Probst so that I can teach him a lesson... eh, Tulip?
Tulip:	---ing right. I'll ---ing teach him to be so ---ing snooty.
Buzzer:	Language, Tulip, really! What I find the most amazing, of course, is how you can pronounce all those dashes. And I could never figure out the meaning of the word "ing".

Tulip:	Just because you're so ---ing smart, doesn't mean you can be ---ing condescending, Nast-E.
Buzzer:	Ing ing ing!! Yes. Of course, if you aren't a Terry Pratchett fan, this whole long tribute to The Truth will mean absolutely nothing whatsoever. But back to the plot...
Tulip:	The Evil Pony Plot!
Buzzer:	Thank-you, Tulip. Where was I? Ah yes - what Jeff Probst's dumbed-down version of the Art of War has taught me. I will be very careful to keep the members of my alliance happy; I will eat as much secret food as I can possibly stash away without being caught; and never, ever, will I try to light a fire with two sticks. Especially when the idiot standing next to me is wearing concave reading-glasses, which everyone with three brain cells knows will focus light-rays and light a fire. Presto! No sweat!

Tulip:	We don't need to light ---ing fires around here, Nast-E Professor. Of course, toys don't actually need ---ing warmth...
Buzzer:	Nevertheless it is a valid point. I'm almost ready for Phase Two: Retirement From Public Life. I have my memoirs to write, and I must try to master the joys of oil painting and sculpture and calligraphy and all the other things one does when one is rich and famous. Maybe I'll write a History of the World. I'll certainly go in for a Wild phase, with mad orgies and champagne-drinking, followed by a thoughtful phase involving philosophy...
Pooky:	But Professor! You've only just conquered Spare Oom! We're wiping out the last pockets of resistance as we speak!

Buzzer:	No no, Pooky. I have been "Neutralising the Clear and Present Danger". Then I've been busy "Pacifying the Ultra-Right", and soon I'll "Have Consensus". I think I'll hereby make you my Vice-Premier in charge of Spin... Of course I'll be President-for-Life, but I expect you two to develop your own political agendas. It may be good if you seem to oppose each other. Once I've set up my Ministry of Information, Tulip, you'll be in charge of Social Wellness and even Arts and Culture, if you like. I'll declare general elections in May, and you can both run for Prime Minister... whoever wins can form a government to run Spare Oom "On Behalf of the People".
Tulip:	You're ---ing telling me that I'll still be in charge of torturing dissidents, while Pooky will be in charge of ---ing government propaganda?
Buzzer:	Mmmm, Tulip, you are a dark horse... Exactly. We'll have all the outward show of democracy - or "toonocracy" as these other stupid toys call it - but in reality I will merely have consolidated my grip on power. Pooky will teach my beloved subjects to adore me, while Tulip will remove those who misguidedly oppose my policies. Pooky looks confused! See? It's all in what you choose to call things. Change the name, change the thing. I shall rename Spare Oom the "Glorious People's Republic", and speak of a "Reign of Peace to Last a Thousand Years"! I'll be an Acknowledged Elder Statespony, able to influence policy at the highest level.

Tulip:	What about the other R'Ooms in the How-se? How will they react to you seizing power?
Buzzer:	I'll be Someone They Can Work With; I'll have a Harsh Attitude towards Disagreement with my Forward-thinking Policies, but at the same time, be Willing to Make Concessions and See Reason when it comes to Agreeing To Disagree. Freedom is so messy. They can understand the Iron Fist in the Velvet Glove, and anyway, I'll invite their leaders to Tea. It never fails.
Tulip:	And something ---ing tells me that Pooky and I will be the only candidates for office in your ---ing much-vaunted elections.
Buzzer:	I think you should be my Minister of Information and Premier of the Proper Use of Spin, Tulip. Pooky will just have to get good at forcing confessions out of Rebel Dissidents and the Intelligentsia. But enough Idle Conversation To Fill In Plot Points! It's time for Limbo!