It has not been long since Buzzer, aka Professor Nast-E, outraged the entire population of Spare Oom by her dastardly destruction of the perfectly law-abiding Ninja Turtles, as well as their nemesis and the all-round naughty boy of the How-se, the Shredder. In spite of their prowess in battle, the Turtles were no match for the Pony-rian's stealth-cowboys and -indians. Trapped between the kitty-litter tray and the old Toy-box, (uber-prison and place of incarceration over the years for everything from schoolbooks to the Pony-rians themselves), the turtles went down to a decisive defeat.
Now all that remains between Buzzer and world-domination are a few demoralised GI Joes, a rogue cajun alligator, the odd disloyal transformer with a sweet tooth, and a bizarre cult of Monchichi-followers, whose idea of having a good time has more to do with cheese and fondue than the Art of War.
But the Toys of the How-se have found an unlooked-for ally in the deep unexplored caverns of the Upper Storage Closets. The Great Barbie Horse has risen from her slumbers and, having combed her perfect hair and donned her perfect magic horse-shoes, has sallied forth to call forgotten heroes from the mists of 1986 to the cause of Freedom....
| Buzzer: | This is more like it!! I just knew if I enslaved enough toys I could get my palace finished on schedule, am I not right, weird pony with gemstone eyes whose name I forget? What was it, "Rocky Road"? |
| Weird orange pony: | Something like that. I must have gone senile in the last ten years, cos I don't remember. You could always call me "Shiny". |
Buzzer: No, that doesn't sound preppy enough. It's almost as bad as "Bling". We never had gangsters when I was manufactured. Mafia, yes. Gangsters, no. Hmmmm. I'll call you Pooky. I've always wanted a henchpony named Pooky.
Pooky: Why Pooky?
Buzzer: Dammit, I'm a toy version of Mussolini. Humour me!
Pooky: O-kaaaaay, then. Anything you say, Buzzer....
Buzzer: I keep telling you, call me Professor Nast-E. It adds that extra sense of terror.
Pooky: Why "Professor Nast-E"?
Buzzer: "Dr Evil" was taken. Anyway, villians need a title - somehow I doubt 'Ms' Nast-E would cut it.
Pooky: What's with the Tyco Dreambuilders' eagle and ...dog?
Buzzer: Oh, so I can't be a creative representation of a toy Evil Emperor? I had extra blocks and... *ahem* my art teacher always hated me...
Pooky: Erm, lovely. Genius. I've never seen such technique, such style, such amazing detail... You're brilliant. Keep it up.
Buzzer: You really {*sniff*} think so?
Pooky: Definitely.
"Elsewhere" in Spare Oom:
Sunrunner: Oooh, this mane must have 15 years of tangles in it! Arrgh! And I've got some muscle cramps that are older than that New Kids on the Block tape I destroyed yesterday. Hmmmmm. And I think I'm going lame in the off hind leg, whichever one that is.
Koala Clip-on Souvenir from Australia: Aaah, your Supreme Horsyship! How we have missed your guidance and protection... We could never forget how you rescued us from the Tyranny of the Barbie Dolls by trampling them to death in their own Barbie Summer Funtime Sauna and Jacuzzi Play Set. But since then, Buzzer, aka Professor Nast-E, has overthrown the peace of Spare Oom and killed the Turtles and - for some reason - her erstwhile ally, the Shredder. She bribed the Transformers to look the other way.
Sunrunner: How did she manage that? Wait, I know. Milkduds, am I right? You just can't trust those machines.
Koala: Your perception astonishes us. We kept every smidgeon of your tack, your Horseness, against the day of your return. We are sorry to have woken you, but we were in dire straights.
Sunrunner: Dire Straights are still around?!! Oh, you mean "in deep trouble". Right. Sorry. Closet-lag.
Koala: Buzzer has built herself a palace and is gradually gathering to herself all the reins of power. We must warn you, your Ponyosity, that Buzzer's Stealth Cowboys and Indians are highly dangerous. What will you do?
Sunrunner: I must travel beyond the Rooms We Know, in order to find allies who will join me in rescuing those who cannot speak for themselves...
Koala: Oh, I read about that. You're talking about those little plastic thingys that are really badly made.
Sunrunner: No, I mean all the little harmless denizens of the Toy Cupboard, whom Buzzer is torturing and destroying, you pompous little dumbass. (*Oops, did I say that out loud?*)
Sunrunner: You don't think all these fringe-y things are too much, do you? AND CALL ME "YOUR SERENE HORSENESS" ONE MORE TIME AND BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN, DAMMIT!" I'm sorry. I've had a bad decade, too much sleeping with my mouth open, you know how it is.
Koala: It's quite all right ma'am. We servile butler-types adore being yelled at. It gives us an excuse to ask for a raise.
Sunrunner: Serfs are never paid in a feudal system. In the old days they were jolly grateful if they got strange cast-off clothing and the cuts of roast chicken no-one else wanted.
Sunrunner: Well, I'm ready. Is there anything else you should tell me?
Koala: Well, yes, your... Sunrunnerness, there's this thing we learned - a new word, called "toonocracy". It's the Cartoon Democracy. One Toy One Vote. We elect whatever leaders we want. It's progress.
Sunrunner: *Ahem*, "I've seen that in an egg. We call it 'going bad' in Narnia". I've been reading C.S Lewis in my spare time. Quite a lot of spare time.
Koala: Very ...nice, but eggs aside, we feel...
Sunrunner: Aha. Yes. I ride out and defeat Buzzer, then you elect her as Supreme President of Spare Oom. Extremely clever.
Koala: A constitutional monarchy then? A parliamentary democracy?
Sunrunner: All right. We'll work something out. But now I need a rider. I just hope I find one in time... And it's "Your Ponyosity" to you.
Koala: Excellent, Ma'am! I just knew you'd come round to our way of looking at things!
Sunrunner: Er... Huh?