Daddy?
Note: If you need to find out more information about self-injury you might like to go to this site. It's called Self-Injury: A Struggle.
Personal Note: This story deals with a serious issue, so be warned that there is material here that may be offensive to some people. And for others, be warned that this is very TRIGGERING.
Drops of blood
dripping from the razor
each drop a scream
of pain so deep.
~Anonymous
Andie felt Pacey's mouth, soft on hers, gently kissing her. She tentatively began kissing him back, her in experience making her hesitant. They had kissed before, their efforts usually resulting in Andie freezing up. None of the forceful, passionate kisses one often sees on television, Pacey had been patient with her. His lips slowly grew more forceful on hers, pressing hard. Andie wanted to tell him to stop, she wasn't ready for this, but the side of her that struggled to please others warned her that he would get tired of her inability to get intimate and dump her. Andie felt the beginnings of a scream building within her as Pacey's lips continued to kiss her forcibly.
She was four years old, terrified. A strong hand was clapped over her face. She couldn't see.
Pacey was still kissing her, not noticing.
Her mouth was being forced open. She could hear heavy panting. Something hot and hard was shoved into her mouth.
Pacey continued to kiss her.
"Suck the lollypop, honey. Suck the lollypop." She obliged, hating this thing. Harsh panting.
Pacey continued to kiss her.
"Yes. God, yes. That's very good, sweetie." A sharp cry came from him. The nasty stuff was in her mouth, the thing grew soft. It was gone.
Pacey continued to kiss her.
"Daddy?"
A scream full of immense shame and grief escaped from her mouth, growing louder and louder. Her arms blindly shoving Pacey back. She felt ugly and dirty, cheap. Her hands came up to her face, her fingernails dug furrows, angry and red, into her cheeks. She needed her razors, she wanted to die.
Strong arms, Pacey's arms, enfolded her. Far away, a voice asks her what is wrong. Everything is far away. Everything is that hot summer afternoon with daddy.
Pain, she needed pain to make it all go away. To make her believe she and daddy were only playing. She struggles out of Pacey's arms. The need to cut, to burn, to slam, to hit, is strong.
The bathroom, the door is locked behind her. She see's her face in the mirror, red scratches run down her cheeks. She wants to destroy that face, destroy that mouth, that dirty, diseased mouth.
She punches her face, her head rocking back. Again. And again. And again. Her skin feels numb, she feels numb. Nothing happened with daddy, she just has an overactive imagination. That afternoon was a lie, it never happened.
Her hand drops to her side, she is calm.
Andie feels the fog lift from her brain. She hears Pacey pounding on the door, calling her name. The skin on her face is sore and red. Andie tries to tidy up her appearance. She is scared that Pacey will think she is crazy.
"I'm all right," she calls out.
***
"Andie, what happened? You totally freaked," Pacey looks at her with concerned eyes.
Her eyes shift down, "Nothing happened." She forces a happy tone into her voice, "I'm perfectly ok."
"Don't tell me nothing happened, McPhee. That was totally crazy!"
Her voice was sharp, "Don't call me crazy, Pacey. Ever."
"I'm just concerned. I care about you, Andie. I want to take away all those demons that are haunting you," his voice was soft.
"What demons?" she feigns ignorance, but her eyes flash a warning at him.
"Do you thing I'm blind? I see you look lost and scared for no reason. I see that haunted look in your eyes," his hand reaches up and softly touches her face.
"Why do you stay with me?" Nobody loves her, Pacey can't love her.
"Andie, I love you. From the first time I saw you, I knew you were the one for me. I want to help you. Inside, you're so beautiful. You just can't see it. I know there's something wrong, but it doesn't make me want to run. It makes me want to wrap you into my arms and hold you until I know that you're ok again. Tell me, what's wrong?" His eyes look deeply into hers, trying to show how much he cares for her.
"I-I can't talk about it right now. I'm sorry, I just can't." Her eyes are full of unshed tears. He cares for her, he wants to help her.
***
Andie opens her eyes, she is alone. Pacey had insisted that he stay with her that night. Not to make out, but to make sure she'll be ok. But, apparently he had left. She felt a sense of loss, maybe he hadn't meant what he had said earlier.
She gropes under the bed for the black towel. She gets the box with her razors. Carefully, she lays them out in a row. They gleam in the moonlight. She rolls up her sleeve, she's wearing a long-sleeved shirt, of course. Then she takes the first razor and presses it against her forearm. Cold metal against warm skin. She presses deep, then drags it across her arm. A neat red line is made. Another slash with her hand and another red line appears. Ruby droplets of blood push up, they trickle down her arm. She watches the blood. It looks different in the moonlight.
Andie hears something move downstairs. Her head snaps up, the razor drops from her hand. She frantically throws her razors back into the box, hearing them clink as they fall. She scrubs at her arm with a towel, then shoves it and the box under her bed. She pulls her sleeve down.
There are steps on the stairs, unfamiliar ones. They head towards her room, the door opens.
"Hey McPhee,. You're awake. I just went down to get a midnight snack. I hope you don't mind," Pacey smiles ruefully at her.
"Of course I don't mind," she forces a smile.
To be continued...
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