Razors
Note: If you need to find out more information about self-injury this is a website you might like to go to. It's called Self-Injury: A Struggle.
Personal Note: This story deals with a serious issue, so be warned that there is material here that may be offensive to some people. And for others, be warned that this is TRIGGERING.
Drops of blood
dripping from the razor
each drop a scream
of pain so deep.
~Anonymous
Andie studied her nails, now clipped brutally short. It was funny how something as common as fingernails could be so destructive. She knew she could never keep them long, at least not now. They were too tempting in a way most people would never imagine them to be: a pinch, digging them into her arm, scratching deep, angry furrows into her skin...
She sighed, disgusted with herself. She could never seem to stop thinking about how she could hurt herself; it was always a thought in the back of her mind. A thought that would take over if a particularly stressful situation came up and she could feel anxiety creeping up on her or if she was trapped in the black hole of depression. Andie chided herself. She had to stop thinking about this!
The shrill ring of the telephone invaded her thoughts, causing her to jump slightly. She picked it up, holding it to her ear, and tentatively asked, "Hello?"
"Andie! It's Pacey," he said. Then, without waiting for her to say anything he asked, "Would you like to go to the movies? Dawson asked if we wanted to go with him and Joey. I told him I'd tell him once I asked you."
The movies? Anything to drag her away from her disturbing thoughts. "Sure. When is it? I'm not doing much." Andie kept her voice light, she didn't want Pacey to hear how anxious she was.
"Well, uh, it's today at around six. I could come and pick you up at five thirty. How does that sound?" he sounded calm and relaxed.
"That's fine. Well, Pacey, I have to go get ready. See you later. Bye!" she forced herself to sound happy.
"Bye, Andie." He hung up, leaving the sound of the dial tone in her ear.
Andie stood there for a minute, staring blankly into space. Finally, there was something to do, something to keep her busy so she didn't have to think so much. Pacey seemed to think it was insane for her to try to get all those medals, all those perfect grades; he didn't understand that it was a way of surviving.
***
Andie uncomfortably sat in a seat in the back of the movie theater. Every so often her eyes would flick to the exit door. Pacey sat next to her, oblivious to her anxiety. Of course, this was because of the darkness of the theater and the deafening sound. She looked up at the screen, wondering why had to watch 'Stigmata' of all movies. Andie's anxiety crested as she watched the "possessed" woman on the screen take a knife to her arm, making deep slashes. She had to get out of here.
Getting up and taking her purse with her, Andie stumbled past Dawson and Joey towards the exit. She mumbled something to Pacey about having to go to the bathroom. Then, on unsteady legs she walked out of the theater, heading towards the restroom. Once inside, she stepped into the last stall, locking the door behind her.
Tears came, stinging her eyes. Andie furiously blinked them away. She shouldn't cry, if she had ever learned anything from her father it was that: she shouldn't cry. As a child her father had always gotten furious at her if she had cried, yelling at her that she was trying to manipulate him. Andie stared at the wall with dead eyes, she knew what she wanted...had to do. Otherwise it would get worse, she knew from experience.
She had an emergency razor, set aside for times like these when she couldn't get to the ones at home. Against her will, she could feel the anticipation. Andie reached into her purse and dug beneath all her cosmetics and lotion. Her fingers touched the plastic bag at the bottom, then she pulled it out. It was a simple makeup bag, black, shiny. The zipper rasped as she opened it and took out the silver razor blade.
Andie stared at it, her eyes inspecting its metal edges. She felt the sudden urge to put it away, but she banished the thought. This was the only thing that could help her, the only thing that could make her feel better, the only thing that made her able to function. Her hand moved of its own volition.
Three gashes appeared on her upper arm, beads of blood already appearing. Andie took comfort from this sight, she could feel the anxiety going down. Already, the overwhelming feelings were beginning to recede. She inspected her upper arm, searching for a piece of skin that was free of scars. When she did, she took the razor to her arm again. The blood ran down her arm in a red stream, warm on her cold skin. It dripped down onto the white tile of the bathroom floor. Andie watched it for a moment then looked back at her arm.
Suddenly the door to the bathroom banged open with a thud. She could hear the sounds of someone's shoes scraping the floor as they walked in. Andie froze, listening.
"Andie, are you in here?" Joey asked in a concerned tone of voice. "Pacey was worried about you when you didn't come back."
Andie felt the razor blade slip out of her hands, falling to the floor with a small metallic clink. With horrified eyes Andie stared down at it, furtively wondering if Joey could see it. She felt a huge wave of relief when she saw that it was hidden from Joey's view by her feet.
Andie called out, "Joey, I'm here. I'm sorry that you guys got worried about me. I didn't like the movie much so I didn't want to go back." A lame excuse, but nobody had ever questioned past excuses she had made up.
"Ok, Andie. I'll tell Pacey you're all right," Joey paused, "I understand about the movie. It was so weird when that possessed lady cut herself. I mean, what sort of person would do that?"
"Yeah," Andie said in a low voice, not meaning it.
"Well, see you later Andie," Joey said. Andie heard her retreating footsteps, then a bang as the door opened then shut again.
"Weird," Andie mumbled to herself. Strangely, she felt hurt by Joey's comments even if they had not been directed at her. She wondered how Joey would react if she told the brunette that she hurt herself, cut herself with razors. Andie could almost see the look of disgust on Joey's face, and could see her turning away. Andie shuddered, this only confirmed her belief that no one ever could ever understand.
She bent down and picked up the razor blade, being careful to not cut her fingers. Then she flung it into the toilet and flushed it away. Andie then cleaned herself up. Wiping and washing the blood away. She was thoroughly engrossed in this cleaning ritual.
Afterwards, Andie looked at herself in the mirror. She had brushed her blond hair, her long-sleeved shirt covered her new wounds. She had wrapped gauze she kept in her purse, not something that was typical of most teenage girls, around her arm. Andie smiled bravely at her reflection, and walked out the door.
To be continued...
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