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Joy! The world's least famous horoscope writer, Time Obsessed Man, finally got around to writing up some horoscopes for us! Yahoo! The first three will be posted today, but more will follow!
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Aquarius: Eat a mince meat pie, it will lead you to your secret lover. Expect fear in your life as your secret lover becomes known to you.
Pisces: Check flyers and posters for line dancing lessons and prepare yourself for an old-fashioned hootenanny. All these lessons will come in handy if you’re captured by country dancing rebel aliens who force you to dance.
Aries: This is a good time for you to throw a party. More guests will come than expected. They’ll be nice people, but at least 2 of them will have a hardcore crush on one of your siblings or a family pet.
Taurus: Avoid oncoming traffic and porridge! We urge you to write your will quickly before a mishap sends your story to "Dear Abby" and your employer reads her response. Look on the bright side; at least you'll be the center of attention when people everywhere enjoy a laugh at your expense.
Gemini: We recommend that you over overfeed your goldfish. If you don't have a goldfish, buy one and overfeed it. This will show all other goldfish that you mean business. Now is a bad to go cod fishing.
Cancer: Now is a good time for you to learn a foreign language. People from far away are going to be receptive to you and pity your poor grammar. Expect hospitality from people you don't know. It won't hurt a bit.
Leo: Be nice to elderly relatives, lest they leave you nothing but their favourite wheelbarrow in their wills. Avoid your friends, as they will be tempted to push you down a hill in a rickety shopping cart. Expect your relationship with these friends to go downhill after you wake up from your coma. Now is a good time to buy a dictionary.
Virgo; Beware of ice! It will only bring sore, useless toes into your life. We recommend that you start growing radishes in a pot of dirt to keep in your pockets. This will lead to good luck and radish-fresh pants.
Libra: If you aren't careful, the people close to you will start to doubt your voodoo powers. Buy another beaded necklace and make a voodoo doll of yourself. Remember to do to yourself what ever they do to the doll. If this means cutting off your own hand, go with it. You don't use your hands that much, and besides, you wouldn't want them calling you a liar, would you?
Scorpio: To determine what this month will hold, go stargazing. If a star falls and crushes you, brace yourself to another month of failure and disappointment. If you aren't hit by a shooting star, the heaven's aim is off. Take advantage of this as a chance to catch up on some reading.
Sagittarius: Cats are in the stars this month! Cats will bring you luck and, potentially, income. Grow catnip in your garden and capture all the neighborhood cats. You now have the ability to hold these cats for ransom, or sell them to the pet store. If all else fails, at least you don't need to worry about making dinner!
Capricorn: This month is a good time to avoid all humanity. Interacting with the human race will only lead to the discovery of your long lost twin. This twin will steal all your money and your car. As well, when you try to explain this to your girlfriend/boyfriend, your twin will drive through the front window of your house/apartment building/shack, proving you right.
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