home
me
the other me
stuff
hear this
gone forever
links
photos
sign gbook
view gbook
comment box
email me!




my thoughts on life



updated again:

this dude, won't say his name in case he cares, and i'm sure he'll know i'm referring to him if he reads this, told me his idea on life. he thinks that maybe we're living the same lives over and over again. it would explain the de ja vu. and you know how sometimes it really does feel like the matrix... feels kinda weird and fake. so... you'd keep meeting the same people over and over again, your life is always basically the same. i dont know. its kinda interesting to think about.

------------------------

so many confusing thoughts... why is god number one. that doesn't make sense. and if you're a decent human being, you don't steal or murder or whatever, you appreciate nature, help others, find joy, create, yada yada, why is it so important you say "i believe in god." you're not good enough until you do? why should people have to spend their whole lives thinking about "him?" isn't it enough to be a good person?

its terrible when life sucks, but what is death? its incomprehensible to think about being dead. but sometimes you have to wonder... what's the big deal about death?? you stay alive so people aren't miserable, so they dont feel their own insignificance....

i miss being a kid, when all you thought about was getting more mint chocolate chip ice cream than your sisters, when it was amazing to be able to stay up late on new years and wished we were there in times square with some handsome guy... oh, i'm going to be a painter when i grow up. i'm going to france. i'm going to have 5 kids and 2 dogs. are we there yet?
never questioning life or anything like that. but then you start to wonder about it... sad things happen and you ponder everything...

its interesting thinking about the future though. what will i be like in my 20's? who will i have kept in touch with? what job will i have, where will i be going? what's it like to get married, have kids....grow old?

------------------------

i'm finding more reasons for living lately. i always figured love was my basic goal since i never felt it wholly but i've been thinking that life is more about interactions with people. metting interesting people and learning from them. it goes along with my idea that people are here for a purpose. its really funny to me when i meet someone new and learn something from them right away or learn something about myself from being around them, its like they're a teacher, and i just laugh cause it goes with my philosophy. so its interesting to me to be able to keep on meeting people and discovering ideas and having those self realizations. :o)

------------------------

i was in the car ridin along, and just looking at all the stores and people everywhere, just everything, and realized... its all a huge ghost town. or, at least it will be. everyone you see will be dead in like 100 years, there'll just be a whole new set of people around. everyone you fucking know will be gone... a million people will have forgotten you ever existed, who your friends were, what you did, what you said... your life didn't matter. or at least a good 96% of people's lives don't matter.... isn't that scary? i never really thought like that before... so really, does anything you do matter? who cares if someone hates you or likes you? what's good and bad, we're all leaving soon anyway...

i used to believe that there was "something" else out there, cause sometimes at night it seems so magical outside, and of course weird things happen in life... but why would that something be there if we're here for nothing?

the only thing i believe in right now is something cheesy, and that is that it seems more and more to me that the people i meet have some kind of purpose. everyone changes you in someway and makes you look at the world differently of course, and sometimes you end up being friends with them... but every once in a while you meet someone that opens up new outlooks on everything and expands your mind, and you follow that person like a kind of guide, and then you move on when you've collected all the knowledge you can from that person. that probably didn't make much sense, but its some of what i've been thinking about lately.

ok so i've decided that i really don't believe in any of that stuff anymore. its impossible to talk to my dad about it... my sister once told him she didn't believe in that stuff and next time he went to visit her he brought a book that proved that god really did exist. that would be interesting to read. actually, if he saw i wrote this he'd probably get really mad. but maybe it'd start a family "discussion." nice.

i was in the car with my mom and... i forgot how it came up. i think we were talking about friends and the good times you have with them and how it makes people feel good... but so i asked "what's life for anyway? the world is going to end in a couple trillion years" and she's like, "well, you don't know if there is a greater goal for everything, maybe there are other worlds out there and each one puts in a a little..." and i'm like, "i stopped believing in all that stuff" and she said, "well, this is only one stage of our existance, maybe there are other stages..." or something like that. hmm. it was weird tho because i didn't think she believed in all that. but then you think about how billions of people do. how odd.

my friend said he knows the meaning of life. yet he never will explain it to me. how can someone know the meaning of life? i told vanessa this and she's like "aah! i wanna punch him! that's so dumb!"

i guess my philosiphy is well, if you're not living then you're dead. heh. vanessa told me a good quote from her friend uhm david i think, that "i was dead for 9 billion years, i did that already. living is like a really good party that no one wants to leave." yup yup.