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my rant on love



all right. its about time to update this stupid thing. i was gonna read through and edit it but i can't even bear to read it, its so boring! and goes on and on and on geez i was a nut at the time. ive stacked up a few ideas... im tired right now but here's one concrete one:

1) if you're not sure you like someone, like sometimes you feel like you don't, then you really don't. and get the hell out of there before it becomes drawn out and confuses you. its not worth it.

2)love has no concrete meaning. you can love a person but its different than the cheesy coined "true" love i think. i still don't think the word love has any actual definition.

and wow. i just read through all that crap below and i just really want to delete it. yuck. maybe i will. g'night for now.

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i don't understand love, or what people call love when they're 17. like, what the hell, how is everyone "in love" at 17? there is of course that huge question 'how do you know when you're in love' which is always followed by 'you just know'... but , whatever. how can people go out, then 3 weeks later say 'i love you' to eachother, but also 'love' another guy, then stop loving the other guy, and say they still love him but are more in love with the first... aahh!! is it really love? or just strong affection and caring and attachment? can you be completely in love with two people? is that possible? how can you stand to be away from someone you're in love with?

and what's the deal with finding someone right for you? is it someone just right for you at that part in your life, or is there actually a person that is perfectly right for you for whenever you find them in life, or are you supposed to find them at a certain time in life... what if they die, is there another to take the place? are there a few of them scattered around?

and if you meet someone and know they're not right for you, why should you bother going out with them? of course its always gonna end in heartbreak. so many times i'd rather be friends with someone instead of getting involved cause many times when it ends, you don't really wanna even be around that person anymore. i wish i could live in the present and not always worry about the future, but i can't. stupid virgo traits hehe. like, right now, if i know someone is not the right perfect one, i can't seem to let myself be happy. or have i just not found anyone perfect enough ever, even someone perfect for a few months instead of a whole lifetime? agh!

and what about when people tell you that you are perfect and right for them. what the hell is rightness anyway now? if you think you've found someone "right" for you, but they don't want you back, that's horrible! then whats the point of even finding someone right for you? life sucks! hehe.

i don't know if this part even belongs here, but oh well. like, i can't imagine myself ever even saying "i love you" to a guy. i can say it to my sisters, or any sort of friend, or any relatives, yada yada, but i can't even imagine myself ever looking deep into someone's eyes that i am in love with and saying it. first, i guess i suck at keeping eye contact with people for that kind of reason anyway. also, i can't even imagine myself ever being able to stare into someone's eyes with that feeling of trust and security and complete love, believing that the person is the only one i need, no worries at all about what they think, or if i'm interpreting my heart and mind right, no worries that that person is right for me or not... lol. i guess those people who say it at 17 just either don't think about all that stuff, or actually believe they are in love, or maybe its just easy to say for them.

grr.

and its always just hard to find a good area between the right thing to do, what you want to do, what you should do, and all that. i'm always so unsure of everything, and my feelings seem to change from day to day. its ridiculous. it makes me feel like such a horrible person.

and i get so mad because for some reason, i do and think whatever people tell me to. they tell me who i like, who i don't like, who i should and should not be with, and it convinces me. then later i think, hey, that's not right. but its already too late, or then even the idea is implanted in my head and every few days i wonder if that person was right and i just can't seen things from an objective point of view... but it shouldn't be objective! it should just be my own feelings, right? well, why is that so fucking hard sometimes? agh! i'm so young. heh. it'll get better, and then i'll update this page with knowledge and confidence. hopefully. :o) i just wish i could figure stuff out in my head and not have to ask others, because i always just... listen to people and take what they think. erk.