Feb. 22, 2003
ROHAN, Middle-earth—The Caribou rowdied up the Rohan Rodeo and started their road trip with a grunt, beating the Rohan Riders 3-1. Although the score was close throughout, everything eventually devolved into a penalty clinic.
"That was probably the most normal hockey we've played yet," said an upbeat Legolas who sustained a slight bruise on his wrist when a Rider chopped him on the arm with his stick. The slash was just one of many penalties that sent a stream of Riders and Caribou to the sin bin.
Rider Eowyn started the penalty-palooza when she took a boarding double-minor in the second period by slamming her brother-in-law, Boromir, headfirst into the glass. She later stated that she thought Boromir's comments concerning his brother were unprofessional. The league will review the hit.
Boromir was unavailable for comment. He's fine, though, in case anyone wanted to know. Christmas at the Steward of Gondor's will be strained this year. It may even be called off.
Merry was so upset at the penalty, he took a retaliation penalty for slashing randomly at the Riders. "I had an Amon Hen flashback," he said. "Sorry." He didn't hit Eowyn, though, just in case anyone wondered. She was already in the box.
Eomer received a retaliation penalty for high sticking Merry. The Rider captain argued vehemently, saying it was inevitable with the height discrepancy, and that his stick never left the ice. Merry sustained a slight cut to the chin.
Pippin took (no pun intended) a tripping penalty as Eomer skated to the penalty box. The Caribou left wing was so upset about the whole sequence of events that when the subject was brought up, no one could understand what he said.
The two teams proceded to skate three-on-three. Head coach Elrond yelled that the next 'Bou to take a penalty in the period would be forced to watch dialogue sequences from Attack of the Clones until he threw up.
The 'Bou responded by saving seven roughing penalties for the third period. Frodo was assessed an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for repeatedly screaming, "Dumb dumb" at the referee. He sustained a bruise on his forehead when he had to be physically placed inside the penalty box.
"Oh, I'll show you 'abuse of officials,'" he said later.
The only 'Bou not to take a penalty was Gandalf who finally got the "Gel-to-Beard" ratio correct. The league has met with Gandalf and they have agreed on a ratio that prevents pucks from becoming lodged in his beard while not transforming it into another piece of equipment. The formula is too complex to be explained since it involves math.
Not unsurprisingly, all the scoring was either on the power play or shorthanded. Gimli netted his second shorthanded goal of the season off a Frodo pass. Sam and Legolas scored power play goals.
Eomer had the lone tally for the Riders.
Team trainer Bubbles tended to every Caribou injury, real and imagined. The "injuries" multiplied when it was discovered the "injured" received candy. Band-aids, M & Ms and Pez were handed out liberally.
Next up for the 'Bou are the Moria Orcs in the league's darkest arena.
"You
call that roughing? If I gave you a dime, could you buy a clue?"
Legolas argues with officials in the third period. Original Leggie Head from elfpornshack.com
~~~
First there was a tie. Then there were two. The Dom Land Caribou arena will be named...The Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing where A Penguin Plays a Banjo.
"All three choices were close in voting througout the duration of the poll," said Caribou website manager Bubbles, "and "Rink...Thing" and "Penguin" were tied when the poll was initially to be closed." The poll was left up a while longer to break the tie. "But then "Merry-Go-Round" caught up," she said, shaking her head.
After considerable yelling, rock throwing and some rather embarassing whining, Caribou officials decided to morph all the names in a pathetic attempt to assuage fans...again.
The team had mixed feelings about the whole idea.
"How'm I supposed to remember all that?" said a concerned Sam.
Center Strider was more diplomatic. "I believe it is a name with a lot of hope," he said.
Merry and Pippin were understandably pleased. "I like it!" said Pippin. "What is it called again?"
"The Merry-Go-Peguin-Round a-Rink-Banjo-Thing-Penguin," said Merry.
"The Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing where A Penguin Plays a Banjo" is officially the longest arena name in the league.
Web manager Bubbles was last seen sitting in the corner, poking herself in the eye, wailing "whyyyyyy can't we ever have a NORMAL poll..." Nonetheles, the Caribou thank everyone who voted.
See the results here. See the messed up results of the first poll here.
~~~
