April 12, 2003

MORDOR, Middle Earth—The Caribou and the Ringwraiths are building quite the rivalry–one knee replacement at a time.

'Bou right-wing Sam featured spectacularly again as the plucky forward frightened the willies out of the Ringwraiths, who remembered all too clearly what he did to their goalie's knees.

"That's the first time anyone's been afraid of me!" said Sam who enjoyed chasing the wraiths around the ice yelling "booga booga booga!"

Sam's linemates Frodo and Strider took advantage of the wraiths' discombobluation to score one goal each in the first period.

"I don't know what we'd do without Sam," said Frodo after some light post-game Pilates. "We wouldn't get far without him."

"He gives us a lot of hope," said Strider.

The Caribou won the game easily 1-4. Legolas and Merry scored the other 'Bou goals. Ringwraith #8 scored the only Wraith goal.

The situation changed, however, when the Caribou travelled to The One Rink in Mordor. Apparently, Wraith coach Sauron (who communicates via satellite during their away games) read his team the riot act and threatened them with dialogue sequences from Man in the Iron Mask.

The team's response was a little lukewarm until Ringwraith #4 attempted to kick Frodo's helmet into the goal–with Frodo's head still in it. Fortunately, the 'Bou left-wing had extra padding installed in his helmet after his slight concussion earlier this season. Frodo was unharmed and punched Wraith #4 in the shins.

Sam skated in, did what he does best, and Ringwraith #4 was dragged off to the locker room to receive his new knees.

Sam was ejected from the game, and the Wraiths redisovered their...nerve, scoring on the ensuing powerplay.

Apparently, Sauron re-read the riot act to his team between the second and third periods and threatened them with trigonometry, which everyone knows is the most painful torture in all the world.

The Ringwraiths responded by playing the dirtiest 20 minutes the league has seen this season.

They yanked Gimli's beard, mussed Legolas' hair, pinched Pippin's ears, told Merry no one loved him, mocked Frodo's missing finger, gave Strider a wedgie, repeatedly yelled "you are the weakest link, goodbye!" at Boromir and called Gandalf "Mr. Dodgy Eyebrows."

The fight that ensued made the War of the Ring look like toddler thumb-wrestling. Head Coach Elrond had to put all the non-Hobbits on the ice and there was quite a knock-down-drag-out donnybrook. The three hobbits had burst into tears.

"There was a firefight!" yelled defence-elf Legolas.* Indeed, security had to be called in to break up the fracas.

The officials decided to call the game rather than let the two teams back on the same ice, and the lone Wraith power play goal ended up as the game winner. The Caribou are preparing a formal protest.

"It was the most blatant psychological poisoning I've ever seen!" said Gandalf who was still fuming after the game. "They even told Pippin it was all his fault I died in Moria! And I do not have dodgy eyebrows!"

The league is looking into multiple suspensions.

"They started it," said Legolas. "They should get even more suspended, those dirty ba-- um, bathtub heads."

Team trainer Bubbles gave the Caribou extra helpings of berry crumble with vanilla ice cream. Pippin needed sevenths.

This was the last regular season meeting between the two teams who may meet in the playoffs.

"I'll kill them!" declared Sam. "Saying those nasty things to Mr. Frodo and Mr. Gandalf and the rest. Folks shouldn't be saying those kinds of things!"

Next week the 'Bou host the Moria Orcs at the Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing Where a Penguin Plays a Banjo.

Notes: Website manager Bubbles apologizes somewhat profusely for the lack of updates on the stats. Once her last hat is finished, she will be a bit less delinquent.

Notes II: Read about the aftermath of the Elfhead concert at the Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing Where a Penguin Plays a Banjo here.

Notes III: View all the Dom-Land pictures and how they came to be here.

*That was for you, Lani.

Sam plots his course.

The Ringwraiths about to get hit with a high-sticking penalty.

~~~

Final Expansion Team Chosen... Sort of

The votes have been tallied and the Kegs of the Shire have been chosen as the second expansion team to go along with The Elf Expansion Team, which has yet to be named.

The Kegs of the Shire narrowly beat the Ents on Ice by only 3 votes.

On somewhat of a surprising note, the Suicidal Denethors came in third with 35 votes.

"On behalf of my father, I thank each and every one of you who voted for the Suicidal Denethors," said Boromir.

The voting was so close that the MEHA has decided to put it to the fans if they would like to merge the Ents on Ice and the Kegs of the Shire into one team named "Talking Trees and Furry Feet" or something like that. Commissioner Bubbles is eager to hear suggestions on the name. Email her at sotto-voce@yahoo.com or sign the guestbook. See the result of the poll here.

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