March 24, 2003

DOM-LAND, Middle-Earth—When the music's over, turn out the lights...and pick up a broom. After the prince of Mirkwood and his band Elfhead christened the Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing Where a Penguin Plays a Banjo, the arena was—in short—a right royal mess.

"I'm not in charge of this clean up!" said Strider. "There's always hope, but this is just bonkers!"

After the game, the hobbits, always ready for a party, broke out the food and drink. Frodo even skipped his post-game yoga to stuff his face. Sam's whole family, from the Gaffer to Frodo Jr. joined in the fun. Apparantly they each brought a keg or two, which greatly contributed to the enthusiasm of the celebrants.

Merry and Pippin really got things going by driving the zamboni into the locker room.

"Yee-haw!" yelled Pippin. "I'm John Wayne!"

Merry yelled something unintelligible.

At the same time, Boromir and Rohan Rider Eowyn had gotten into a nasty food fight.

"She throws a mean cheesecake," said Boromir of his sister-in-law.

The Rohan Riders had (with some trepidation) been invited to the after-game party. Eomer, because of his broken jaw, drank a triple-espresso through a straw, which of course offset the sedatives he's taken earlier. It wasn't pretty.

"Izzle, shizzle. ZZZZZZZZLE!!!" he said.

And then there was the dwarf tossing.

"Yippie-kai-yay, motherfwaaaaaa!!!!" said Gimli in midair.

However, most of the breakage occurred when Legolas and Haldir got into a "hardest, most accurate shot" contest. Al MacInnis, Raymond Borque and Demolition Derby would be proud. The noise was terrible.

"I'm just as good as he is," said Haldir, who, in fact did his fair share of damage and who therefore did his fair share of the clean up. "He said I skated like a girl--"

"You should all be so lucky!" shouted a food-covered Eowyn at this point.

"Anyway," continued Haldir, "so I grabbed a stick and shot a puck at him. Made a nice size dent in a locker. He said he could do better and it was on."

When they had run out of targets, Legolas and Haldir were a bit surprised at the utter carnage they'd caused.

"Oops," said Legolas.

"I don't care if you're the Prince of Mirkwood!" said exhausted special event coordinator Bubbles. "You broke it, you clean it up!"

In the spirit of peace, love and all that good stuff, Elfhead and the 'Bou joined together to fix the locker room and make it nice.

The highlight of the cleanup was Sam chasing Celeborn around with the HEPA-filter vaccum cleaner. Aparantly the Lord of Lorien was unfamiliar with cleaning equipment.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" he said.

At one point, 78 Elfhead groupies/Caribou puckbunnies/tabloid reporters were discovered and firmly escorted out of the shower facilites by Gwaihir.

"They're fiesty," said Gwaihir. Another 37 groupies fled when when Gandalf began to remove the gel from his beard.

"No, I don't have a mobile phone," said Gandalf who was still deaf from the concert. "This gel is so gross!"

By the time everything was repaired, cleaned or bodged back together, arena manager Bubbles was twitching uncontrollably. "Y'all owe me some serious therapy!" she screamed. Frodo responded by handing her a sedative-laced strawberry Icee.

Aren't any floors for me to sweep, not in my castle on a cloud... Legolas helps tidy up. (original Leggie head from elfpornshack.com, original locker room from pyramidfit.com, original broom from...forgot.)

"What? No, 'me fus battu' is the passé antérieur of se battre," said Gandalf. "I'm old. Why do I have to mop? Can't I just supervise??" (original goalie from Hockey Chicas)

~~~

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