| PART 17 School is the last thing on my mind these days. I haven’t been sleeping and I know my appearance is a wreck. I’ve been avoiding Liz because I know she’ll worry and start asking questions. I smile at the thought that someone would actually worry about me. I’m staring up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what is triggering my nightmares. They’d stopped when we moved to Roswell, so I don’t understand why they’re starting again. I wonder if it’s because it’s been a year since his death or is it because she is here in town. Why did she have to enter my life again? If Liz finds out I’ll…… A light tapping at my door disrupts my thoughts. “Go away,” I yell to the person on the other side of the door. The knocking grows louder and more persistent. I try to ignore it; maybe they’ll get the hint. When the knocking doesn’t halt, I stomp to the door yelling, “What the hell do you want?” I swing the door open and take in an angry Liz standing in the doorway. Liz gives me a quizzical look. I smirk and ask, “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” I walk away. I don’t want her to view me like this and I definitely don’t want her to be around me when I’m in this frame of mind. I wish with everything in me that I could tell her about my life. I want her to know me but I’m too terrified she’ll leave me. Now that she is here, my fears are suffocating me. Isabel thinks Liz has the right to know about her. After all, she is attending our school now. Isabel is right. I know in my heart if Liz finds out from someone other than me my life will be over, because she won’t be in it. “Well it’s nice to see you too.” I can hear the anger and hurt lace in her voice. I hear her backpack drop to the floor and she stomps toward me. I grin at her actions. She’s sexy when she’s mad, but she can also be a handful. I normally love teasing her when she’s like this, but today I’m just not in the mood. When I don’t hear any movement or sound coming from her, I glance over my shoulder and she’s giving me that same questioning look I've seen before. I face her and pat my bed for her to sit down with me. She hesitates for a few seconds before she seats herself besides me. “When did you start cutting classes?” I ask playfully poking her side trying to lighten the mood, trying to improve my disposition. “I’m not, it's lunchtime and you know I have a free period afterwards. I just wanted to come by and see how you’re doing. I also have your homework assignments.” She points to her backpack. “If you want I can come by after school, but if you just want to be alone, I’ll understand.” She stands up and slowly advances to the door. I think she’s waiting for me to stop her. I don’t want her to leave. For the length of time I’ve known her, she means the world to me. She always makes me feel at peace. With her help, I’m beginning to like the person I’ve become. She stops suddenly and quietly says, “If you don’t want to be with me just tell me.” Her words are piercing my heart. How can she think that? I love being around her, she keeps me smiling and laughing. She makes me feel special and wanted, how can she doubt that? Not that I blame her, this past week I have been distant. My best friend haunts me in my dreams. How can I be happy when Nick can never be? The guilt I feel for my best friend and my girlfriend is overpowering. I’ll be sure to make it my first priority to tell Liz about her. I dart to her and put my arms around her. “Baby, how can you think that?” I ask. My grip tightens around her for fear of her slipping away. I can’t lose her, not when I just found her. “For the past few days you’ve been distant. If you’re tired of me just tell me.” I carefully turn her around so she’s facing me. Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears. She averts her eyes and again my heart tightens. This is your fault, Evans. I’m always screwing things up. “Look at me, please.” When she meets my gaze I say, “Don’t ever think I don’t want you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happen to me. I don’t want to lose that or you. I just have a lot on my mind.” A tear slides down her cheek. She looks down and says, “Then why are you pushing me away?” Her voice gives away all her hurt and vulnerability. I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tight. I never noticed how insecure she was before. I wish I could dissolve her insecurities away. I stroke her hair until she calms down. “I’m not pushing you away.” I cautiously walk back pulling her along with me until I feel the edge of my bed at the back of my knees and sit down settling her on my lap. “I’ve been having nightmares, so I haven’t been sleeping at night. I tend to be grouchy with lack of sleep. I don’t want to take it out on you, you don’t deserve that.” She caresses my cheek. I close my eyes reveling in the feel of her touch. I feel her thumb trace under my eyes. I open my eyes and watch how her eyebrows knit together with concern. “What are they about?” she asks with concern. I stand up and gently place her back on the floor. I snatch up her backpack and carry it over to the bed. I dump the books out, picking each one up. “Are you going to come by after school to help me sort through this stuff?” I say pointing to the pile of books on my bed. She chuckles and softly sings, “Whenever you need me I’ll be there.” I smile and say, “You better go I don’t want you to be late for class because of me.” She nods and gives me a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll see you later. Okay?” “I better,” I say as tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She quickly kisses me before she dashes off to class. ************************************************************************ I arrive at school just in time for my next class. Good thing I brought my books with me. I rush to my class just as the late bell rings. I can’t wait for this day to be over. I hustle to my locker when the last bell rings. I’m elated because this is my opportunity to see Michael again. I have to find out what’s bothering him. Each day that passes, I feel him slipping away. I’m starting to think it’s because of me. He doesn’t call me as much as he used to. When I visit him, it’s like he’s somewhere else. I wish he would talk to me. As I draw near to my locker, I see Maria talking to that new girl. I frown. Even though I don’t know her I don’t like her. There are rumors circulating that the new girl has her sights set on Michael. The idea of Maria and her becoming friends doesn’t sit well with me. We aren’t as close as we were before, but we did restore some of our friendship. It took two weeks of Maria not talking to me and me finally swallowing my pride and apologizing to her. I don’t think she fully forgives me, but it’s a start. The two of them are deep in conversation when I reach my locker. They’re whispering amongst themselves. I try to tune in at least some of the words, because I’m curious to know what they would have to discuss. What can be so secretive? When I can’t hear a word of what they are saying I decide to make my presence known and say, “Hey Maria.” She jumps and turns towards me. “Hey Liz. How’s it going? I missed you in lunch today.” She looks startled. Or is it guilty? I think it's guilt because she resembles a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar. “What’s going on?” I ask sounding blasé. I don’t want to seem nosy, but them being together bothers me Out of the corner of my eye, I see her look over to the new girl. She smiles at her. Maria says, “Have you met each other yet?” I turn towards them and look at the girl. I shake my head and say, “I don’t believe we have.” Maria smiles and says, “Liz, this is Tess Harding. Tess, this is Liz Parker.” Tess extends her hand and I take it. “Nice to meet you, Liz,” she says. I plaster a fake smile on. This girl is giving off bad vibes. Her smile seems bogus and she looks like she’s up to no good. Then it dawns on me, she wants Michael. Of course, that’s why she’s acting phony towards me. In her eyes, I’m the obstacle to her desire. I close my locker and say, “I hope you like Roswell so far. I would love to stay and chat, but my boyfriend is expecting me. Maybe we could talk some other time.” Tess smiles and says, “I would really like that.” I turn away to leave, but before I’m too far Tess yells, “Oh, could you please tell Michael that I would really like to see him again and for him to give me a call?” I spin around not believing what I heard. Before I can say anything, she and Maria are gone. What could she mean by that? When did Michael see her? That’s why he’s pulling away from me; it’s all making sense. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing in the middle of the hallway. Everything I believed in is crumbling right in front of me. I rush home instead of going to Michael’s. I don’t want to see him, not when my heart feels like it’s breaking. My parents are arguing in the living room as usual and I rush past them without a word. I slam the door to my room and look at myself in my full-length mirror not fond of what I see. I’m way too skinny, have no cleavage. I turn sideways to see my profile to show myself I have no ass. No wonder he’d choose her over me. She has everything I don’t, blond hair, big boobs and probably a round ass. I pace my room and the more I do the angrier I become. I walk to my dresser and look at the sketch Michael drew of me. I was so amazed by it I had it framed. I kept it on my dresser where it was visible from all angles of my room. I pick it up and throw it at the mirror. I continue to pace, urging the tears not to fall. My body starts to feel weak so I sit on my bed and place my head in my hands. Alex barges in asking, “What happened? What was all that noise?” I look up at him and he’s looking at the mirror with shock on his face. He looks back at me and asks, “Are you okay?” I still don’t respond. I’m afraid if I open my mouth to speak the tears I’m desperately trying to hold in will fall. He points to the mirror and asks, “What happened?” I just shrug my shoulders. He leaves. I curl up into the fetal position. I’m not going to cry. This was bound to happen. It was stupid of me to think he actually cares about me, to actually follow my heart. I hear the door open. I don’t bother to see who it is, I already know. I hear Alex sweep up the glass. I hear him approach and the bed’s protest as he lies next to me. He reaches over and places the drawing in front of me. The glass is cracked making the picture seem distorted. I chuckle. It looks more like me now. He snatches the picture back and I roll over to face him. “This has something to do with Michael doesn’t it?” he asks keeping his eyes on the picture. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I say nearly yelling at him. “He places my sketch on the night table. He rolls to his side facing me and says, “I thought you said you were going to Michael’s after school?” I slide up into a sitting position and say, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it.” He furrows his eyebrows and says, “What did he do?” I bring my knees up to my chest to hug them. “He’s cheating on me,” I choke out. He pulls me to him in a hug and says, “Michael adores you. What makes you think he’d do something like that?” I exhale noisily and lean into my brother. I feel like I don’t have anyone. What am I going to do when he leaves? I’ll be utterly alone. “Don’t you trust him?” he says as he tightens his hold on me. I scoff and say, “Trust. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t talk about themselves, who doesn’t talk to me.” I bury my face in his chest and say, “He’s been pulling away from me and by coincidence it started happen when she arrived in town. Then she told me today to tell Michael that she can’t wait to see him again and to call her. Why would she say that?” “You have to ask him that. He’s the only one who can answer those questions,” he says soothingly. I take a deep breath to keep from crying and say, “I wish it were that simple. He doesn’t tell me anything. Why doesn’t he confide in me about anything?” Alex lifts my chin up and says, “Do you?” That’s when the tears fall. I can’t hold them back any longer. I’ve never hurt this much, I’ve never allowed myself to hurt like this. Why did he do this to me? I try to calm down, but I can’t. Alex holds me and says, “I guess you have. I really liked the closeness between the two of you, because he seems to make you happy. I still think you should talk to him when you calm down.” “I can’t,” I say in between sobbing. “Oh Lizzie, the only thing I can tell you is to have faith in him. It may not be what it seems,” he whispers to me. I lay my head in his lap. I can’t believe how pathetic I’ve become. I told myself not to cry. Why am I crying? “I don’t care. He can have her if that's what he wants,” I say hoarsely. Alex strokes my back and says, “I know you don’t mean that. Talk to him.” I close my eyes trying to block out my heartache. Maybe this is all just a bad dream. The pain I’m feeling is all just part of a nightmare. I can deny it all I want, but I know I want Michael. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t want me. I guess I’ll have to live my life like before. Now knowing there is no such thing as love. I don’t even know why I even thought someone would actually love me. I cry myself to sleep on Alex’s lap. |