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The Fly
on the Rose (PublishAmerica $ 21.95 ISBN 1-59129-177-1 265 pp Paper) Purchase Book $21.95 Click here to purchase The Fly on the Rose Publisher's Description And
But
Should she tell Q? He's not
of her faith. He doesn't need to know
she believes that even their children won't belong to him in the
hereafter. Does he? |
|
First Four Chapters
Temple couldn’t have told you the name of the restaurant
that Saturday night, just that it was next on her alphabetical list.
Murphy’s
Corner was a jumble of tables and booths crowded into what used to be a
twostory house with mirror walls to make it look bigger than it was.
The place
had table service in three separate add-ons, as well as a busy takeout
corner
and a counter with a huge samovar, presided over by the man everybody
called
Murph.
Temple first caught the big man looking at her by way of
a mirror. His pinched eyes were such a pale blue beneath the bill of
his Red
Sox cap, she thought at first he must be blind. Then he blinked and
looked down
at his half-empty bowl of soup. The second time she caught him staring
at her,
he grimaced, and his weathered skin reddened.
His heavy, lowering brows, balanced by a jutting red
beard, made his face seem crowded and caved-in. His mouth was so
recessed, she
wondered what it would be like to kiss him.
Hunched over on the stool, with his huge shoulders bunched
up to his ears, he looked like a ruddy Sasquatch trying to camouflage
himself
in damp, stained plaid flannel. Tufts of curls protruded over a khaki
T-shirt,
visible at his throat, and the stubble on the back of his thick neck
ran down
and disappeared under his collar.
Temple didn’t need to catch him staring a third time. She
could feel his eyes on her. She turned sideways to her table,
stretching her
long legs from beneath her clingy black silk, letting her golden hair
fall
forward and sweep across the bulge of her breasts. She crossed her
ankles and
lightly tapped her black and gold platforms to the music vibrating in
her
bones.
Men always wanted what they couldn’t have.
Temple dipped a finger into her mug of cream soda and
languidly sucked it clean, performing for the man, presenting herself
like a
specimen on a microscope’s stage. She could taste his rising passion,
mingled
with the fear of rejection—of humiliation—that kept him glued to his
stool,
furtively stealing glimpses.
He was right to be afraid. Temple never let her game go
any farther than this.
But if he did manage to find the courage, she’d make an
exception for him and try not to be cruel. She could imagine the first
little
girl who’d called him a vicious name—stupid, ugly, an animal. His
massive
calves bulged above the gouged leather of his mud-caked boots. He
looked like a
costumed bear.
Temple easily read his lips in the mirror as he ordered
another drink. The man sitting to his right leaned over and made some
remark
but got no reaction, not even an angry look. Temple wondered whether
the big
man was deaf, like herself.
Tempting the taciturn bear from his hibernation, his
fearful reserve, appealed somehow. Temple stood up, defining her
profile for
him, pretending to search her tiny purse for something, shifting her
weight to
let the light play off her draped curves.
He didn’t pause in his rhythmic feeding. Green and
scarlet serpentine tattoos on his hairy forearms flashed beneath
rolled-up
sleeves each time he raised a disinterested spoon. But his eyes
betrayed him.
Temple slipped her purse over her shoulder and drifted
close along the row of stools on her way to the ladies room, trolling
her
scent, luring him with her gently undulating walk.
There were grease stains on the thighs of his jeans, and
his rear pocket was white around the shape of his wallet. No ring on
his left
hand. Below the dusty, matted hair on the back of his hand, his fingers
were
oddly hairless, his knuckles, scabbed and crusty.
From across the room, she glanced back one last time and
caught him fullface. He looked down and away, smoothing his beard with
his
flat-nailed fingers.
On the way to the bathroom, Temple smiled, savoring the
heat of his wanting her.
Lots of men wanted her, more or less. She’d seen them
huddled
together in twos and threes, deciding who’d get to make the first pass.
These
were the confident ones, the self-assured, the self-absorbed. They
wanted her,
but once she rejected them, they didn’t usually try twice, let alone
three
times.
Three times was her benchmark. She wouldn’t even talk to
anyone who hadn’t approached her at least three times.
Her mother had turned her father down eighteen times
before their first date. He proposed every day after that for four long
years.
He always told Temple, “Only two things are important: God and the Family”—emphasizing
with his broad-chested body. He’d have said it in heroic couplets if he
could
have. It wasn’t just a platitude with him. He almost died of grief when
Temple’s mother abandoned him.
Somewhere, Temple
thought, there’s
a man who’ll love me
enough to want to die.
But she’d rarely met anyone who was even willing to
suffer so much as her scorn. She freshened her makeup, checked her
watch,
waited another five minutes, then headed back out.
She glanced at the counter. He was gone.
Humph.
She didn’t often let vanity cloud her judgment of men.
The intensity of her disappointment surprised her.
Then she spotted him, sitting at the table where her
half-full glass still stood before an empty chair. He’d taken off his
hat, but
he was as intent as ever on his drink. Well, she thought, for a
man like him, I’d count this little ploy as one. She took his
former seat at the counter and ordered a
piece of chocolate cheesecake. From there she could watch the bear man
in the
mirror, seeing him as he’d formerly viewed her.
His ugliness fascinated her. His bulbous cheeks gave his
face a Santa Claus cheeriness that was at odds with his concentrated
scowl.
From beneath the ledge of bone that formed his Neanderthal forehead,
his eyes
flitted like a child’s, checking to see if his mother’s watching.
She arched her back. His gaze was almost tangible enough
to rub against, like a cat.
A hot, foul breath rained onto Temple’s right ear. She
turned toward it, and the man beside her bent closer. In the mirror,
she’d
noticed him talking, but she hadn’t bothered to watch what he was
saying. He
was so close now, she couldn’t see his mouth. He laid his hand heavily
on her
wrist, and she snatched her hand away.
The man tumbled drunkenly off balance. He disgusted her.
She slid away from him, onto the next stool, not deigning to look, even
obliquely through the mirror, at him.
Murph took a step in her direction and muttered something
through tight lips. Temple couldn’t decipher the words, but the drunk
backed
off. She could feel her heart beating. Gradually it slowed. She paid
for the
pie she’d ordered, and the rush was over.
Temple took her dessert to a table from which she could
see the hulking bear-man. He was no longer trying to hide his interest.
What
was he looking for? Some reaction in her to what had just happened? Was
he
concerned for her safety? If she’d needed to feel safe, she’d have
stayed at
home.
But surprises made her angry. She seldom ran into drunks
in restaurants that served only beer and wine. But the drunk had
reminded her
of her limitations. She hadn’t noticed his growing ardor. She’d been
concentrating on the big man, whose eyes, as clear as ice, stared
unabashedly
now. When he blinked, it was as if the electricity had flickered.
Temple didn’t
blink. She opened her mouth and enveloped her fork, drawing the sweet
pastry
off with her lips. His eyes followed the arc of her hand down to her
plate and
then slid slowly back to her face.
Without faltering, he picked up her soda, which she’d
left behind, and drank it down in one gulp. He looked into the glass,
as if to
be certain he’d downed it all, and the ghost of a triumphant smile
crept onto
his lips.
There was something violating and preemptive in his
taking possession of what had once been hers. Something daring. Two, she thought.
There would not be a three.
Hunting was always risky or it wouldn’t be sporting, but
she liked to think she wasn’t foolhardy, that she knew her game’s
predilections, that she knew when to take cover. She wasn’t looking for
real
danger, only thrills.
Temple rose without finishing her pie, grabbed her bag,
and strode resolutely past the man, toward the exit. As she swept by,
he put
his hands on the table and seemed to be trying to stand up, but she
shot him a
disinterested look, and he turned away before she had to change it to
one of
scathing disdain.
Once outside, Temple slowed, pulled her loose hair back
from her face into a tight knot, breathed deeply of the drizzly autumn
night,
and, with a last sigh as Temple, morphed back into Mary Jane Bell. ♥
Q Kauffmann looked straight ahead, his teeth clenched,
his face bricked up, long after the golden woman was gone.
When would he ever learn that romance wasn’t for him?
Little children cried and hid in their mothers’ skirts.
Women crossed the street when they saw him coming. Men avoided kidding
him
about his looks.
Q left Murph’s without speaking to anyone. Alone, inside
his truck, he leaned his misshapen forehead on the steering wheel. It
was a
while before he could face going home alone. ♥
Mary Jane didn’t want the Sunday morning’s huge
conference of the Church to end. Her pocket sagged, full of hard knots
of
wadded blue tissue. Her face felt tight, as if she’d just scrubbed it
with
soap. On the big screens hanging from the ceiling of Worcester’s
Centrum, she
thought she could see tears standing in President Hinckley’s eyes, too,
as he
blessed the tri-regional gathering of the faithful. His words, repeated
in sign
below, bored through her. Her throat ached, and her heart was brimming.
The thrum of seven thousand voices raised together
rumbled through her: “The Spirit of God, Like a Fire Is Burning.”
Around her, a
hundred pairs of hands around her signed the century-old lyrics that,
like the
national anthem, had everyone in the arena on their feet. A closing
prayer
petitioned that Father in Heaven would grant the righteous desires in
the
hearts of the Saints present.
It didn’t seem that Mary Jane’s righteous desire would be
granted today, but she was resigned, almost soothed. Before the meeting
began, she’d
ranged around the enormous enclosure, scanning faces in the crowd that
had
gathered from all over New England.
She’d hoped for more than just a guarded, distant glimpse
of her own daughters, such as she sometimes got after driving two hours
from
Springfield, Massachusetts, to their school in Nashua, New Hampshire.
Two weeks
ago, she’d flouted the odious restraining order yet again and left a
message
for Isolde and Gwyneth, under a loosened brick just outside the school
fence,
where Isolde could reach it without leaving the grounds.
In the note, She told Izzy the conference would be
announced in the Boston
Globe. Izzy
should innocently show the paper to her father and plead to go. It
might be as
much as another decade before a prophet visited again. If Charles
wouldn’t
bring the girls himself, they could arrange for a ride with members by
calling
their bishop. His number was in the phone book.
Mary Jane instructed Izzy to sit in the fourth section
from the front, on the left as you face the stand, but only if she
could manage
it without causing suspicion.
The following week, when Mary Jane checked what they
called their “mailbox,” she found notes from both girls.
“I love you, Mommy.” Signed “GWYNETH BELL,” as if Mary
Jane might not recognize her daughter from just her first name. The
signature
letters were huge and uneven. Isolde had obviously guided her sister’s
hand for
only the first four words. Mary Jane imagined her younger daughter
pulling
away. “I can do it. I can do it.” Gwyn was only in kindergarten, but
Izzy, now
in sixth grade, reported that a year of pre-school had made Gwyn
fiercely
independent.
Izzy wrote, “I’ll try to get to conference, but Dad’s
still touchy about the Church.”
It had been two years since the messy civil divorce. But
until the Church issued a “cancellation of sealing,” Mary Jane was
still
married “for time and all eternity” to Charles and they’d be a family
forever.
But the court had issued a restraining order, and since then, Charles
had done
everything possible to shut Mary Jane out of her children’s lives. He
refused
even to acknowledge her except through his lawyer. He ridiculed her
offer of
child support, calling it “a pitiful ruse” to get access. Dismissing
Izzy’s
embarrassed protests that she was too old for a baby-sitter, he still
insisted
that his new wife walk the girls to school and back, in case Mary Jane
tried to
intercept them, or even see them from a distance. He was doing his best
to
poison them against her and against the Church, but his efforts seemed
to be
having the opposite effect—making Mary Jane and the Church all the more
attractive to them, a sort of forbidden-fruit reaction.
Charles would expect Mary Jane to be at the conference,
but she had to keep trying. He might relent. Evidently this wasn’t that
time.
Probably because of what Temple had done the night before. The thoughts
she’d
entertained. The vain desires.
Every Sunday morning Mary Jane promised herself she’d
never do that again. By Tuesday she couldn’t see what was so awful
about just
going to a restaurant. She didn’t drink, after all. There wasn’t even
any
secondhand smoke to inhale. She dressed modestly, almost bundled—not
even
anything sleeveless. It wasn’t her fault that men lusted after her. By
Friday
she’d convinced herself that after working hard all week, she deserved
a break
from her lonely routine, from her isolation, from the inadequate meals
she
cooked for herself. By Saturday she saw no reason why she shouldn’t try
to meet
new friends. She was an adult, and she was legally divorced. She might
even
stumble onto a missionary opportunity. But she always ranged far enough
away
from home that she wasn’t likely to run into people who knew her from
church.
A crowd was pooling around the prophet and his
dark-suited cadre—two apostles, the area representative, an assortment
of stake
presidents, patriarchs, bishops, mission presidents, and what appeared
to be a
handful of security people. Parents pushed their small children forward
to be
touched, to have their hands shaken, to have a memorable word spoken to
them by
the prophet. The parents, if not their little ones, would remember the
experience for the rest of their lives.
Mary Jane remembered seeing President Kimball in Largo,
Maryland, when she was only eight years old, a week after she was
baptized. He
told her she should always make her father as happy with her as he was
that
day.
Her father literally beamed, as if to illustrate the
prophet’s pronouncement. Mary Jane thought her father hadn’t looked
that happy
since her mother left them.
It was her mother, though, that Mary Jane most wanted to
make happy that day—make her happy enough that she’d want to come back
from
wherever she’d gone. The trouble was, her mother didn’t care to be made
happy.
Mary Jane, however, wanted to show her pleasure at
everything her children did, but they didn’t seem to have the same
craving for
her approval as she’d had for her absent mother’s. They didn’t tell her
nearly
enough, and she was constantly surprised when she discovered each new
and
terrifying thing they tried. Gwyn was young; she had an excuse, but
Izzy’s
notes sometimes seemed to Mary Jane like telegrams from an explorer at
the
stationary center of the galaxy, where some kind of perverse relativity
made
them age at twice or three times the rate she expected. She worried she
wouldn’t recognize them when she saw them again. If she saw them
again.
She was still methodically scanning faces, but with
fading hope. The people at both ends of Mary Jane’s row had moved out
into the
aisles as the crowd milling past them thinned.
Mary Jane turned at the touch of a hand on her arm and
was immediately fused in an exuberant hug.
“Tina! You’re back!” she squealed when they finally broke
apart. In a frenzied burst of church activity, designed to numb her
mind after
the divorce, Mary Jane had introduced Tina to the church. They’d
written one
another often that first semester Tina spent at the Y. But as Tina’s
social
life expanded, her letters came less frequently, filled with apologies
for
neglecting her beloved mentor, until, inevitably, they stopped.
“I leave in January,” Tina said, surprising Mary Jane by
signing at the same time. Tina hadn’t been able to sign last time
they’d seen
one another.
Mary Jane recognized the gleeful smile. “A mission call?”
Tina nodded. “A signing mission. Guess where.”
Mary Jane had no idea. Did they have signing missions
outside the U.S.? “Russia?”
Tina laughed. “Close. Georgia. Atlanta.”
“I’m thrilled for you.” She hadn’t thought of Tina in
months. “You look so happy.”
“You’ll never believe who I ran into.”
Mary Jane’s stomach tightened automatically. “Charles?”
“Close.” Tina moved to let someone pass down the aisle.
“His mother.”
“Florence?”
Tina nodded. “She showed me pictures of the girls. They
look just like— Just beautiful.”
Florence used to post pictures of her twenty-three
grandchildren on a home page that Mary Jane could access at the
library. Then
suddenly Izzy and Gwyn’s pictures disappeared. Charles’ doing, no
doubt. “What
did she tell you about them?”
Mary Jane saw her friend’s face sober in an instant.
“Just that they were ten and five now.” There was an awkward lull. “I
should
have asked her more.”
Mary Jane shrugged. “Where did you see her?”
“At the temple.” Tina didn’t sign the words—the
equivalent of muttering, hoping Mary Jane would misunderstand. It would
have
been Tina’s first time going to temple, to receive her own endowment.
She
obviously hadn’t thought to invite—
“Who went with
you?” Mary Jane hoped the catch in her throat wasn’t audible.
“My mother’s sister.” The joy turned back on in Tina’s
eyes, as if a circuit breaker had been restored. “Didn’t I tell you?
She joined
while I was at school. You and I will have to go together as soon as I
get
back. You and I will have to go, too. By that time the Boston temple
should be
built.”
Mary Jane only smiled. Tina hadn’t thought to invite her
to D.C., and she evidently didn’t feel the need to apologize. They’d
grown
worlds apart. They wouldn’t write while she was gone, and the next time
they
accidentally met, Tina would probably have a husband and three
children. Mary
Jane had lost hundreds of friends since she went deaf the year after
Izzy was
born. Some people simply didn’t know how to deal with the “tragedy.”
For
others, it was just too awkward to phone her, and nobody wrote letters
anymore,
it seemed. E-mail was the thing now, she heard, but she wasn’t plugged
in to
that.
Mary Jane glanced over Tina’s shoulder. For an instant,
she thought her heart had stopped.
Tina turned. Nothing but a
sister waving up at them from the floor
below. She had two
girls with her.
“I thought—” Mary Jane said, putting her hands in her
pockets. “I was wrong.” It wasn’t Izzy and Gwyn.
A shadow passed over Tina’s features, and Mary Jane
immediately regretted making yet another reference to her lost
children. It
wasn’t a loss people knew how to deal with. There were no comfortable
Hallmark
sentiments for such occasions. “Well,” Tina said. “My ride’s waiting.
Good to
see you.” Another hug, and Tina was gone—leaving Mary Jane to wonder
how such a
strong friendship could have slipped. How no one seemed to stick to her
anymore. Look at Charles. Look at Izzy and Gwyn.
Mary Jane watched in silence, as the hall slowly cleared
out. She had virtually no hope left of finding her girls, but the small
fellowships she’d shared today were some small comfort. Other people
were worse
off, she told herself. Everyone had his or her private wounds and
dreariness,
their hidden lives beyond closed doors. Their secret selves. Their
Temples.
A pacifier lay on the floor. Someone would cry all the
way home over that.
A souvenir program covered with purple crayon scrawls was
left behind and spoiled by a shoe print.
A long-legged boy strode up the ranks of seats,
high-stepping over the backs, racing his sister who stumbled up the
shallow
concrete stairs. ♥
Q tapped a brick with the butt of his trowel and checked
it with his plumb rule again. Now the line was out the other way. Q
sighed.
He’d been working all day, but he might as well have stayed at home for
all the
good he’d done, muttering and growling to himself.
Sly was on the roof singing love songs. Full-throated, he
usually sang all day. Blues, country-western, rock, gospel—it was all
music to
him. Pounding work songs for when the sun got hot. Opera—but only with
people
who’d known him forever. And often, late in the day, he’d indulge in
these
dreamy, sensuous, yearning love songs.
If Q had a wife like Philemina at home, he might have
something to sing about, too. If anybody’d ever looked twice at him, Q
might be
the one working himself up for his nightly homecoming and spending all
his
money on silk teddies and parochial schools for six little ones.
But nobody’d ever looked twice at Q. At least, not in
that way. He’d made a blame fool of himself last night, thinking that’s
what
the golden woman was doing.
He pointed up yet another stubborn brick. The only thing
that kept him from quitting was that Sly had shown up with the Tromblay
boy. Q
pried the brick loose again from the mortar with a sucking sound,
stabbed his
trowel into the mud pan, and took his smoldering misery for a walk.
The sky was a roiling, plush pink as the sun went down.
It was time to think about turning on the spotlights. Instead, Q
climbed the
ladder. Maybe he could keep Sly from singing by making him talk.
“Hey.” He sat down on the roof.
“Getting dark,” Sly responded. “Morris promised we’d have
power to the spots tonight.”
“Hmm,” Q said. He could hear the new electrician still
rattling around in the cavernous house below. Q had resisted telling
the man
not to bore such big holes in the struts, but it hadn’t been easy. A
state
license didn’t guarantee he was any good, but Sly said the man knew his
business.
“Then we can get rid of that tone-deaf generator.” Sly’s
hammer punctuated his talk the way it accompanied his songs. “D’ja
hear?
There’s a cold front coming down from Canada.”
Q nodded. They watched the weather every day now, racing
to get the outside work done before winter set in. Q toed a roof tile.
He’d
wanted slate, with copper flashing. But this was his first house. He
was spread
pretty thin—both in money and time. He was working too fast. And he
worried
that he wasn’t doing his absolute best here after ten hours a day on a
road
crew. It hadn’t been so hard when daylight lasted longer. Q let his
eyes wander
over the rapidly coloring trees that nearly hid the house from the
washboard
dirt road at the foot of the still unpaved driveway.
Q loved heights. He’d had his eye on this ridge plot ever
since high school. He’d grown more ambitious and more sophisticated
with his dream
floor plan over the years, but he’d yet to find a better site. In the
back of
his mind he kept thinking he’d buy the house back one day—his first
house, like
the family homestead—so he resented every compromise he had to make,
like the
roof. He refused to work on it himself.
“Ya gonna sit there till the stars come out, big guy?”
Sly prodded.
Q levered himself up. “Okay, boss,” he chided Sly and
swung himself out onto the ladder. Down below, the Tromblay boy sat
chugging a
soda by the truck’s tailgate.
Sly looked down, too. “You’re the one paying him, not
me.”
Q winced. Since before they were half grown, they’d
planned to build this house together. But then Sly let his mother talk
him into
taking chemistry at MIT, while Q took carpentry with Uncle Ralph and
masonry
with his dad, and was doing drywall and interiors with Sly’s father.
Sly
finally came back to earth and joined his father’s business after only
a year
of lab work for some New Jersey outfit. “Couldn’t sing there,” was all
he said.
Then he found Mina, and that was the end of any spare cash.
“Sing that Fun-ick-u-lee song, will ya?” Q said as he
descended to the ground. If Sly wouldn’t stop singing, at least Q
wouldn’t be
have to listen to the words.
“What am I, a request line?” Sly laughed, throwing his
head back, his black eyes flashing. He bellowed the words in time with
his
hammer, “Fenicule, fenicula!” and segued into an Italian aria.
Q turned on the generator and the lights. He pounded some
nails out of a dusty cement form and tossed the boards on a heap. The
clatter
punctuated a glance that sent the Tromblay boy shambling back to work
without a
word having to be spoken.
The boy was related to Q in some convoluted way that
their mothers had explained and Q hadn’t followed and wasn’t about to
ask to
have repeated. It was enough recommendation that the boy had learned
under
Uncle Ralph, who’d been taught by Q’s grandfather. Q often found his
grandfather’s initials scrawled on the beams of old houses, when he
pulled out
the lathplaster construction on a winter remodeling job.
Q hunched back over his bricks, carefully raking the
cement from the grooves with a grapevine jointer. He’d had to settle
for a
silvered black and gray-flashed, red brick, not the medium gray with
white
accents that he could just imagine catching the hilltop sunlight. He
tried not
to think about it. He laid the next line of brick more easily, mulling
over his
family’s long tradition of building solid homes in these hills. His own
initials would be found one day by his grand . . . nephews.
Q sighed.
She was beautiful, that golden woman. He kept thinking he
should recognize her from the movies. He wasn’t the only one in Murph’s
staring
at her. He thought some of the other guys might have been working up
the
courage to ask for an autograph. Then he caught her looking at him in
the
mirror. Not that horrified look that made him turn away. Nor the frank
curiosity of a child, which he tolerated the way a mother tolerates a
toddler’s
pokes and pinches.
No. Her look was something like he imagined his own must
be, gauging and cataloging other people’s reactions to what they were
seeing.
But, of course, she should be flattered by the appreciative glances Q
saw
directed her way. Flattered even by the jealous peeks of the women.
Had she noticed that girl in the corner, talking too
loud, too insistently, trying to position herself between her date and
the
golden woman? Q sympathized with the girl’s desperation all the more
because he
understood her date’s lewd longing. Q’s own longing, however, was not
lewd. He
wanted to marry the golden woman.
Far from undressing her with his eyes, he imagined her
clothed in white satin. She might hate his idealizing her as much as
the other
men’s debasing, but for Q there was no in-between, no equality, no
casual
flirtation, no possibility of mutual desire. Women were utterly
unattainable.
He sometimes wondered how much of an effort it was for
his own mother to love him.
But if the golden woman could just see his house. He’d
shaped it first in his mind. Then he saved the money—one dollar after
another—until he had the land. All alone, he reverently turned the
first
shovelful of dirt. Brick by brick, board by board, he was transforming
a heap
of hardware and a hole in the ground into a luxury mansion.
If she only knew what he could create, she’d have to
respect him. She could be happy living in that house. Their children
could be
happy.
Last night at Murph’s he’d been dreaming about their
conversations, fantasizing his proposal, their marriage, their eldest
son’s
wedding, a monthlong vacation on a sunny cruise ship. Then that
disgusting
drunk next to him at the counter ruined everything with his coarse
remark, loud
enough for everybody in the room to hear. Q wanted to shove the
filthy-minded
old lecher off his stool, but the lady was watching, and her calm said
she was
above insults. With a gut-wrenching effort, he tried to ignore the
abuse for
her sake. He continued to eat, refused to react, even though his
insides were
churning with indignation for her. She was totally serene. Amazed at
her poise,
her control and assurance, he was thinking how alike they were in
having to
bear with indignities and affronts. He wished he could always act like
her,
ignoring sneering people who judged only the surface, not caring to
know the
heart. A woman like her would never lie awake nights replaying the
day’s
humiliations, plotting impossible revenge, and cursing fate.
She acted as if she hadn’t heard. She simply checked her
purse and strolled out of the room, as unhurried as a summer breeze.
When she
turned and caught Q staring after her across the room, he looked away.
She must
have thought he was no better than the other oglers, as he
self-consciously
stroked his beard in a futile effort to hide his misshapen face. When
he looked
again she was gone. He guessed she must have slipped out the back way.
He felt
her loss like the end of a beautiful song he’d never hear sung again.
He wanted
somehow to linger in her resonance. He moved to sit opposite where her
scent still
lingered, imagining himself waiting there for her to rejoin him.
Then she froze him by her magical reappearance. He
scowled. He blanched. He couldn’t find a resting-place for his eyes.
They were
drawn compulsively to her. But she didn’t flinch. For a panicky moment
he
thought she was going to sit back down there. She’d be looking straight
at him.
He’d have to say something.
But then she passed him by and he could breath again.
He was stunned, though, when she sat down at the counter,
right next to that drunken pig. She was a cool one. How could she
ignore what
the man had said about her before?
Then the imbecile touched her, and she cringed.
Q’s enormous hands crashed palm down onto the table. He
was half out of his seat. He felt everyone in the room turn expectantly
toward
him at the sound. But she simply whorled away from the drunk in a
fluid,
dance-like motion that left the man off balance, foolishly clutching at
the
air. Murph called out Q’s name, warning him not to interfere, and Q
reluctantly
sat back down. At the same time Murph took a protective step between
the woman
and the drunk, and said, with a forced chuckle, “When you fall off your
stool,
Jerry, it’s time to go home.”
The drunk let out a stream of unimaginative expletives
under his breath, but he staggered off, and the incident was over in
seconds.
In a moment, the golden woman was once more as
unperturbed as the Buddha. She glided with her cheesecake to a nearby
table and
seductively parted her shimmering lips.
Mesmerized by her compelling gaze, her silky movements,
her perfect composure, Q could feel his own pulse pounding in his
forehead. He
was conscious of every contorted feature of his own hideous face. But
she
didn’t turn away in disgust. He knew it was irrational, but he was
convinced
that if he looked away the vision would disappear again.
Murph’s place suddenly felt overheated. Q imagined that
downy cheek, fresh under his fingertips. A bead of sweat rolled down
his neck.
Her fork glittered, as did the fiery opal on her right hand, her
incandescent
hair, her mahogany eyes.
He reached for his drink and tossed it down. It tasted
strange.
Strawberries. Her drink. A
sheepish
half-smile. He could feel the heat rising to his face. She’d think he
was a
fool.
She opened her mouth as if about to speak.
Then she reached for her purse.
Q looked away. He couldn’t force himself to look at her
again, not even when she paused as she squeezed past him. He pulled his
feet
under his chair, hunched into his shoulders, like a turtle, trying to
become
invisible.
She swept on, and when this third act ended, the curtain
fell as well. He should have turned around. He should have spoken up.
He should
have said, “Can I buy you a another drink?” He should have said, “Can I
walk
you to your car?” Should have said, “Do you have to go so soon?” No
matter how
banal, he should have stopped her. Said anything.
Sly’s new song was slow and sad, again: “Oh, Shenandoah,
I love your daughter.”
Q looked at his work. It seemed some machine must have
laid these tiers. He ached all over, but not from exertion. |