An old man and his wife decided to divorce. At the hearing, the magistrate was perplexed. Looking from one to the other in confusion, he said, "Mr. Matthews, you’re ninety-five years old. Mrs. Matthews is 93. You have been married for 74 years. Now, at such a venerable age, you want to divorce? Why? I do not understand." The old man shook his head and said, "That woman and I have loathed each other for 65 years." No less confused, the magistrate asked, "Why did not you divorce earlier, then?" "It was the children, you see," came the reply, "We did not want to hurt them, so we decided to wait until the last one had died."

The term "divorce" has almost become cliché in the fast moving, independent society of today. Divorce in a marriage these days is more common than not, and it is more likely to hear someone marveling at the idea of a couple staying together for fifteen years than at the news of "Bob and Sue getting separated". Statistics say that more than half of all American marriages made in the 1990’s will divorce, and that marriage is no longer viewed as a permanent institution. The number of children involved in divorces and annulments stood at 6.3 per 1,000 children under 18 years of age in 1950, and 7.2 in 1960. By 1970 it had increased to 12.5; by 1975, 16.7; by 1980, the rate stood at 17.3, a 175 percent increase from 1950. Since in 1972, one million American children every year have seen their parents divorce. The lack of a stable family environment is something that the youth of today has to deal with much more severely than the world-wise parents. The result of this is a lack of upbringing and security and therefore weak moral roles. "Virtually every social problem in society has been attributed to the breakdown of basic family values." (Ahrons, 03) It is sad, but a fact of life that it is not the adults who feel the most strain during a divorce, but their children. Children go through such traumatic changes during the breakup of their family that it will change the way they view the world for the rest of their lives, more often than not having a terrible effect on their future mental state. Often, despite the forced consoling and pity the children receive, their true needs are often overlooked and they are used more as pawns than being cared for in such a situation.

Children are often the bonds in the family. Despite marital difficulties between spouses, often they will try to tone down arguing and work things out for the sake of the children. But that may cause more harm than good. When it comes down to it, some marriages unfortunately just can not survive, and an attempt to stay together will, in the long run, result in more fighting and a tenser atmosphere for the maturing individuals who, more than ever these days, need a stable home to come to. "Some days I did not want to go home, and would rather go to [my friend’s] house after school and stay overnight. I did not want them [my parents] to suddenly get mad for some reason and then turn on me." (Brown) In addition to worrying about the stability the children will lose, there are many other factors that parents are concerns about. Custodial issues, loss of parenting rewards and other detrimental effects on parent-child relationships, and "the greater reluctance of others to approve the separation when children are involved" are just a few (Spanier, 73). Parents’ deepest worry was that the divorce would be followed by great remorse many years later, when they would be blamed for their children’s troubles. It is not necessarily blame from outside the family that would be the main concern, but inner guilt and remorse when they look back at what they see as the downfall of their children’s potentially successful lives. One divorced father of interview subject Jenny Fields is said to blame himself unforgivably for the current regrettable status of his middle daughter, who as a result of neglect on the custodial mother’s part is currently in juvenile detention.

In addition to that, a recent concern is the idea that divorce is hereditary. If a parent or some close relative has a divorce, it is 64% more likely that children closely involved will have marital difficulties in the future. "Divorce is often driven by patterns in a family background or by divorce of a person’s parent." (Kaganoff, XIV) Perhaps it is even more so indicated by the growing divorce statistics of today; a lack of perseverance and dedication towards making a marriage work can be simplified as an example of "giving up"; an all too common practice for youth in a society that will sustain them financially in the long run.

When divorce happens it carries along with it strenuous emotional baggage, guilt and animosity. Despite the conception that divorce has weakened in meaning and intention over time, when people endeavor into it they usually bring along ideas and dreams of the rest of their life and goals they intend to accomplish in marrying that individual. When their marriage fails, the feel not only is they have failed at making their life worthwhile, but the other partner has failed them as well. "Most divorces… felt they were losing not only a husband or wife but also the central landmarks of life as they knew it." (Feifer, 01) As an unfortunate emotional result, however, people going into a divorce often turn all their guilt into hatred and a desire to hurt the other party emotionally as severely as they feel they’ve been hurt. "American divorce [is] sharpened by… litigious nature, gender battles and especially [the] adversarial legal system" (Feifer, 10) As a result, the children are often used as weapons in this legal emotional battle. In a particularly close bond between parent and child, a selfish desire to injure the other spouse would often result in the tug-of-war so intense that it would lead to courtroom accusations and counselor evaluations. "My daughter has always been the most important aspect of my entire life," claims divorced father Richard Jones, "[my wife] knew that, and in the courtroom I would literally break down into tears when she would make accusations that threatened my custody of her." The child, stuck in the middle of the battle is often not truly considered for the purposes of "what is best in the long run" for them, but rather as a tool for really getting at the emotional sores of the spouse. It is a greedy, tedious war when the children are used in such a way; when children’s emotional benefits are overlooked for the sake of control. "Their spouses continually threatened to cut them off from the children if they would contest either the divorce of any part of the settlement." (Arendell, 74) This can result in the children ending up with the parent least suited to their needs.

More importantly, during this time of great emotional turmoil, the children are also often neglected. What increased alongside the nation's divorce rate was the number of children involved in divorce. Today, children are increasingly seen as secondary to the perceived personal needs of the spouses. While younger children might feel lonely, pre-adolescents who are just forming their ideas about adulthood and morality have no guidelines and therefore acting out in subtle ways becomes all too common. "[My sister] would go off wearing ‘skanky’ clothes and do drugs with her friends, and they [my parents] never said anything. When the police brought her home from a gang bust, it was as if she[mother] was too busy and only sent her to her room. [My sister] just crawled out of her window fifteen minutes later and went to her friend’s anyway as if nothing happened." (Fields)

Though neglect is common, not all parents do so. Often the situation is quite the opposite; the parents smother their children with attention; in some cases to the worse effect. As a result of guilt or personal need of emotional support, parents often tend to smother their children one way or another; either bombarding them with attention and apologetic love or ignoring them and subliminally turning them against the "other" parent. Parents often find that older children can be great emotional support during such times. "One of the pluses of this experience has been my relationship with my children," says one father, "Their behavior has been admirable. They have been available, supportive, and caring towards their mother and me without intruding in our marital problems and without being judgmental. Their adjustment and maturity in handling their own lives during this time has been very freeing for both of us." (Spanier, 80) In the case mentioned above, the children in question were "older" and one can assume that their understanding is a result of society’s recently more accepting nature of divorce in general. In fact, in some cases, there have been claims that divorce actually strengthens a child personality. "There is evidence… that thoughtful nurturing during the awful experience and the availability of a parent role-model who copes well with great emotional hardship can leave children stronger in the end." (Feifer, 10) However, does it really mean strengthening, or desensitizing? Naturally desensitization to divorce can be claimed as the reason why so many marriages fail today; it is "not such a big deal".

The biggest problem, I think, in divorce and custody battles is simply the hatred each spouse shows each other and the ways they use the children against each other; not legally, but mentally. Often a parent will literally turn their children against the other parent by making claims which are generally malicious lies, not just to the children, but the authorities in charge of custody decisions, as well. "She [my mother] would tell me that Dad hated me, and that he was only being nice to me so I would like him better than her. But I like both my parents, and I knew then as well as now that it was not true," says Paul Brown, a boy experiencing a divorce at the age of fourteen. But some children were not so discerning. How can a child really know what is going on when only subjected to one side of the story? "[At first] I was afraid to meet him [my father], since they had a divorce when I was very young and I didn’t really remember. But when I met him for the first time I was surprised; none of the things my mom had said were true," claims Jenny Fields, whose parents were divorced when she was nine years old after a long separation during which she had not seen her father often. The parents telling the stories do not usually mean to hurt the children, they simply use them as the scapegoat for letting out all their anger and frustration at the other party. When two people hate each other with a passion strong enough to desire to never see each other again, it is sometimes difficult to justify anger and as a result, the deliberating parties need to justify to themselves why they hate each other so much. If you can make an idea believable to someone else, it has in effect become a fact. The unfortunate reality of the situation is the children, being the closest recipients of anger and frustration and in addition to asking the question "where’s daddy/mommy?" with a need for explanation, often get the short end of the stick.

These are the various types of custody:

Sole custody - The custodial parent has both physical and legal custody of the child. This means that this parent has both possession of the child (the child lives with them) and sole authority to make all decisions concerning the child. The non-custodial parent only has visitation rights. This is the most common arrangement. Shared or joint custody - In this arrangement both parents have legal custody of the child, that is, they both have a say in all decisions concerning the children. One parent may still have sole physical custody. Shared physical custody - Under this type of custody, each parent has exclusive physical custody for alternating periods. These periods could vary from days of the week to months of the year. This may seem like a fair arrangement, however, the courts frown on this arrangement because many psychologists believe that this is harmful to the stability of the child who no longer has a sense of where his or her "home" is. Split Custody - In this arrangement, each parent gains custody of one or more of the children. Again, the courts tend to frown on this type of custody, because not only are the children separated from a parent, but they are also separated from their siblings.

The actual determining of custodial issues can also be a touchy subject. As far as parents are concerned, custodial tendencies have seemingly taken a one-sided path one way or another throughout history; at the turn of the century children were awarded to the fathers in most cases, who generally could supply the children with better financial support and opportunity. But after the liberation movement and the progress of urbanization from industrialization, there was a "shift from the instrumental to compassionate notion of marriage and its emphasis on the importance of motherhood, [and] maternal custody became the presumption of the courts. …It was only in rare cases, when the mother was proven to be ‘unfit’ due to mental illness or adultery, that custody was awarded to the fathers." (Ahrons, 16) This trend continued for many years and even tends to continue today; although slowly changing, it is difficult for fathers to have complete custody of their children. In 73% of divorces, the custody was awarded to the mothers. In 19% of cases, the custody is joint and in six percent, custody had been awarded to the fathers. The remaining two percent was listed as miscellaneous; that is, neither parent, but perhaps a close relative or the state was fit to care for the children.

In the cases where single parent custody is awarded, the parents find themselves having a greater difficulty caring for the children. Whether child support is awarded or not, the parents must deal with supporting the children with food, clothes and a place to live, which means spending a great deal of time at work away from the children. In that case, the children do not often have the guidance that the availability of a second parent would offer. It also becomes a greater difficulty when younger children, who are incapable of caring for themselves in everyday life for a few hours, are involved. "I hate feeling totally responsible for the kids. They’re mine completely. At least when I was married, I could mentally not feel responsible at times… it gets lonely with the kids in bed by 8:00. It’s an ambiguous role. I want to go out but I don’t want the kids to be stuck with a babysitter three or four nights a week." (Spanier, 79) Having a babysitter or nanny at these times can be useful, but the fact remains that the children’s time spent with their parent will most likely decrease. In some cases, the other parent not awarded custody would not be allowed to see the children at all. This may be for reasons of abuse or neglect (in such cases the likely reason for divorce and custody award) but it also may be fuelled by the custodial parent’s ongoing desire to hurt or control the spouse.

Sometimes, however, parents are awarded joint custody or visitation rights. The parents will continue to divide the duties of child-rearing, with attention and financial care. This may mean that a child would remain with one parent at a time, and move back and forth, sometimes for extended stays and sometimes for only a period of a few hours. In this situation, statistics taken in 1990 on the matter say that of the parents, 85% of fathers and 38% of mothers would like to spend more time with their children. The time spent with the children tends, on average, to vary anywhere from seeing a child a couple times a week to once a month or even once every few months. Time spent with the children depends usually on the relationship the spouses have; if they are both secure with the divorce, the family bond may still remain while the couple simply leads separate lives. But if the atmosphere is hostile, naturally a meeting would be avoided, and the children are the only ones who suffer from the absence of the other parent.

One of the many difficulties in joint custody living situations, aside from having to move back and forth, is the inevitable favoring of one parent’s rearing techniques and therefore the parent as a whole. Usually it is the laxer, less constraining parent which is favored, and often one parent will take the role of "Santa Claus", in effect, and the other will be the one who takes the responsibility of telling them to clean their room and perform well academically. While both aspects for are needed in a child’s life the pampering and the guidelines, when they are divided like that there is little balance in a child’s life and world. "[What] aggravates me a lot is that now my wife sees the kids during all the nice and fun times and I have to be the one who makes them clean their rooms and do their homework, etc. I have to be the disciplinarian. I know I can’t let that alter the way I treat them because they do need discipline, but sometimes I don’t think it’s fair… Too often when I say something they’ll say, ‘but mother said the opposite’."(Kaganoff, 146) A desire to avoid communication and contact prevents parents from discussing and agreeing on parenting issues, which leads to a conflict of interest and mixed messages for the child.

At first, society was extremely compassionate and pitying of children involved in a divorce, but since the spread of commonality regarding it, it is no longer treated as an uncommon event. Children are getting less attention, less support and less emotional guidance through these times, and individual needs are now being grouped into generalizations that are used for the whole situation. It is so common in everyday life that now there seems to be social norms, proper phrases and actions associated with dealing with people involved in divorce. Personal needs are getting overlooked, and though divorce is more common and socially accepted than it used to be in the past, separation in a family can be just as traumatic for children who ask why their parents can not be perfect and live together in an ideal world. There may be no solution to divorce in today’s society, but perhaps with a little more education on the now common subject involving children and not just personal needs, more consideration can be taken on how the divorce of a person’s parents can affect a child’s life.

Bibliography can be found here.