Eighth grade. I see it as, one more year until we are in high school. Five more years until I’m out of this hell! See I just came back from my vacay (you know the new cool word) from London. London, that’s where my grandparents are, I love my grandparents. They’re they best. Really. They buy me whatever I want. They even got me; get this, leather boots. I was so happy. And today, for the first day of Eighth grade I’m going to wear my new blue tight shirt, because I can wear it now. I lost 20 pounds. Go Buffy! I even got some light highlights. Yes, I’m still brunette but the blondeness is so getting there.
I got these cool jeans with little slits at the bottom. Totally awesome! And I’m wearing my new and improved boots, well not really improved but new. I bet no one in my school got cool boots… from London! Who’s laughing now?
“Buffy!”
I groan and look one more time in the mirror. Eyeliner check. Lip gloss check. Bronzer Check. Mascara Check. Okay… breathe, breathe, breathe and breathe. I slid my arm down my hair and smile in happiness. When I was in London, my grandmother took me to this hairdresser and he straightened my hair. As in permanently for a whole year!
I take hold of my new purple bag pack and walk slowly down the stairs until I see my parents and Dawn at the table. My father looks up and whistles and even Dawn says I look good. I must really look good.
And then once I sit in my dad’s Volvo that’s when the panic sits in. My heart is beating a million miles per hour. And I swear it’s really beating through my chest… My new skinny chest! We drop Dawn off at the Lower School and I start to take deep (painful) breathes. My dad looks at me like I’m crazy and just maybe, I am.
Once we reach the Upper School and my dad pulls into the second lane, he stops the car once it reaches the sidewalk to cross into the school; I climb slowly out of my dad’s car and take hold of my bag. I slowly pass the guard and this feeling is starting to build inside of me. But I know it’s not panic. It’s excitement… I’m excited to go to school?
I flash my ID to the black guy who is the new security guard. It’s funny because I go to a private school and I don’t really associate with other people. Everyone I know is white and Christian. I don’t know any Spanish people if that’s what you even call them, I don’t know Islamic people or Arabic people or is it the same thing?
I shake my head and start turning to the left into the seventh grade hallway when it finally hits me… I’m not a sevie anymore. I’m an eighth grader. When it finally hits me it’s like getting banged against the wall. Like a ton of bricks falling on your head… just it didn’t hurt as much as that possibly does. I turn to the right and walk down the five steps. I slowly walk into the Eighth grade hallway. And I swear to god it went silent. Or maybe it’s my own imagination… I hope not. I walk in with a confident smile. I look so much better than Darla and Cordelia.
No body is running up to me and saying how much they missed me but I don’t really care. I didn’t really stay in touch with anyone during the summer. Not even Willow and Xander. Not even Angel. Not that I would talk to Angel over summer. Cause I don’t like him. My locker number is 415. My code… I look at the pink sheet they had sent to me during the summer. 30-33-31. Wow that’s a hard code to remember. I lay my bag on the floor and start spinning the small black dial to the correct numbers. I feel someone staring at my back and turn around and there standing across from me is Percy, Penn, Hogan, Groo and Ford… checking my ass out!
I smirk at them and turn back around to my locker and put all my books in them. I start putting the pictures of 7th Heaven and ER on my locker. There is going to be a new show the WB. Someone’s creek. Sounds cool… and of course I’ll check it out. Like I have something better to do.
My homeroom is in room 204 and I hope this year I’m going to have friends in my homeroom just like I had last year. I turn around and the guys are still staring at me. I want to stick my tong out at all those people that told me I was ugly. See… I’m not. I laugh in my head and look for Willow or Xander or someone. But I don’t see anyone. All I see is this girl in tight blue jeans leaning against the locker at the way end of the hall. The fact that I see her is amazing. And here was me thinking I needed glasses.
I see another new kid and he has brown hair and is leaning just like the other kid against the locker. There leaning together and maybe they know each other. I shrug my shoulders and look way but the five minute bell rings and I start walking out of the eighth grade hallway and towards the homeroom.
I smile inwardly… meet the new and improved Buffy Summers. The hot one.
I walk into the homeroom and site myself in the back. I see Sunday at the other side and I don’t even say hi to her. Or pay attention to her presence. I see some people walk in. Dorks like Jonathan and Andrew. Freaks like Warren and Fred. Amy and Jesse walk in and I smile at them as they sit down. I see Percy walk in and sit in the front. I watch as Larry sits near him. I see the new kids walk and how they site near Sunday but just like me don’t even look at her. And then my heart stops dead in my tracks. Darla, Drusilla and Cordelia all walk into the homeroom. Great…
Darla looks me up and down and then looks at Cordelia and then the impossible happens. “Hey Buffy.”
I try to act all cool and everything but inside I was thinking… OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE IS TALKING TO ME! “Hey Darla.”
“Why don’t you come and sit with us?” She says and the moves forward towards where Percy and Larry where sitting. I site frozen in my seat and look at Amy and Jesse who are looking at me with a funny look on their face.
“What?” I ask them but all they do is shrug and look at me expectantly. Like I know what to do!
Darla looks at me with her perfect eyebrows rose, “Are you coming?”
I look at Amy and Jesse and they shrug at me again and I slowly get up from the chair that I am sitting in and walk towards where the people who I had cursed at all summer. Once I sit down in one the blue chairs I look back at Amy and she has disappointment in her eyes. I look away and then see the face of the new kids. They are looking at me funny and I smile weakly at them. They look at me and then they look at each other and smile at me. My eyes widen and I hear them chuckle and then I look back at the popular kids.
“…freaks. Just look at what they are wearing. Don’t they have any respect for school policy,” Darla was saying.
I wanted to tell her ‘don’t you’ but all I did was laugh. And then I guess even for everyone deep down all anyone wants to be is popular even if it means… I look out the door which is still open and I see Willow and Xander pass and look at me confused. I shrug my shoulders at them and I turned my head to hear what Percy had to say about Jonathan and then when I turned back to the door I see Angel walk and my eyes widen. Angel…
He smiles at Jonathan and Andrew and slaps them high five and then walks towards us. Us? He sits himself between Percy and Drusilla. I forgot that Angel was so popular.
“Hey Buffy,” he says. I smile at him and then I see Darla look at me funny. They start talking about something and I look at me nails. Cordelia looks at me and to give her the benefit of the doubt she was always nice to me.
“Did you hear about the new show on WB?” she asks me.
I nod my head and smile. “Yeah. It sounds really good.”
“That guy looks really hot, don’t you think?” she says as she crosses her legs.
“But the girl in the commercial doesn’t look that pretty,” I respond.
“I know… both the blonde and the brunette.”
“Buffy,” Darla snaps and I turn my head towards her.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you think Willow and Xander are the biggest geeks ever?” she says smiling at me slyly.
I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights. I see Angel look at me with his eyebrows scrunched and then everyone around me waiting for my answer. “Yeah, huge geeks.”
Angel looks at me with a disappointed look and I just looked away. How could I have just said that! The best thing that ever happened to me… expect maybe my weight lost and my new hair and clothes and… Everyone gives up the only thing they have to be popular. I feel tears well up in my eyes and excuse myself to the bathroom.
I wipe my eyes with a napkin I found in my pocket and look in the mirror at the new and improved Buffy. What a joke. The door opens and the new girl walks in and smiles at me. “Hi, I’m Faith.”
“Buffy.”
***
*THREE WEEKS LATER*
***
I walk down the main school hallway in my new Seven jeans and my Michael Stars shirt and my Juicy jacket that I had bought with Darla when we went shopping last weekend.
“Hey Buffy,” someone shouts in the hall.
“Hey Buffy,” someone else shouts.
I walk down the hallway with my head held high when I hear a small sound behind me, “Hey Buffy.”
I turn my head and see Willow behind me. “Hi.”
I smile tightly at her and we walk down the hallway. “So what’s up?”
I look over at her and shrug. “The sky.”
“Buffy!” I turn around and see Drusilla walking towards me and I look at Willow.
“I guess I’ll talk to you later.” And I walk off.
8th Grade- Trimester Two- December, 1998
WARNING: Slight B/F, marked with a *
My jeans were just a bit tight on me, and my shirt was just a bit high, but I looked good, and that’s what matters. I sat down in History, really Civics because we were learning no History whatsoever. Just government stuff, but some reason they still called it History. Weird really…
I sit in the back and wait for my friends to come. My heart sinks a little and I can’t explain why, I’m popular now, and that is what essential, right? I scratch my head and suddenly the seat next to me fills up and I look up and see Cordelia picking up her notebook and opening her book. Darla and Eve sitting in front of us.
They turned around and started to talk about something that happened on Dawson’s Creek and I nod, laugh, and sigh at the right moments but for some reason, I just wasn’t there. The teacher came in and Darla and Eve turned around in their seats and pulled out their laptops. I roll my eyes every time I see them. Darla couldn’t help but show off she was rich. I look over at Cordelia and she looks over at me, and we snickered lightly at each other. We both are rich but we didn’t show it off purposely.
I start dozing off in class, like always, when I see a red head walking out of another class and all I can think at that moment is Willow. I shut my eyes quickly but it was there, that little ache in my heart. I remember how last Friday, Darla’s mom was driving us to their home to get ready for some kind of party when we passed the sidewalk and I saw Xander and Willow got off the Ride On and start walking towards the mall. It felt like my heart was going to break. It did. I wasn’t part of that group anymore, and it was all my fault, I did it to myself.
Cordelia pocked me and I shot her a glare when she motioned to the front of the room. I snapped up to the front of the room and Mrs. Laurence was waiting for my answer. Shit… I look over at Cordelia in sheer desperation and she shrugs her shoulders at me. At least someone else was dozing off too.
I hear Darla and Eve snicker and I glare at them from behind. I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the question, Mrs. Laurence.”
Mrs. Laurence looks up at the ceiling and then gives me a sort of glare look. “Miss Summers can you explain what a Local court is?”
What the hell is a local court? My heart starts to beat and I think my hands are sweating. Shit, shit, shit, shit… I’m so screwed. “It’s uh… a court,” I say slowly and I hear a chuckle go around the classroom.
“Yes, Miss Summers. It is a court,” the teacher says exasperated. “Care to explain further?”
“It’s local, like in the county. And uh, uh umm Oh! Were the first cases are held. Like were the first ones start out and then once a decision is made in other courts, not the local courts, you can appeal and uh everything.” See stupid teacher, I’m not that much of an idiot. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo.
“Thank you Miss Summers for that explanation, now would anyone like to explain that again with a lot less ums and likes?” the teacher said, this time glaring.
I scowl at her and look at Cordelia who is just rolling her eyes at the stupid history teacher. Bitch, she mouths at me, and I nod my head furiously in agreement.
***
When the class was finally over, and I walked out of the room to the hallway, it felt nice when people started looking at me, and not for bad reasons. Well, not just me, but us, Cordelia, and Darla, and Eve but still… it felt nice. I was one with the in crowd. It was a different feeling. It was like people would just move out of their for us and stare, like we are something special. And we are. I am.
It’s nice, when juniors like Wesley Price check you out. It was a pride thing. I was never the pretty, I was always in-between, pretty and cute, but never gorgeous and hot. Now I was asked out more times this year then all my years together. It was different, and just amazing.
“Earth to Buffy Summers, were are you?” Darla said as she snapped her fingers in my face.
I blink at her and then sort of shake my head. “Yes Darla?”
“Are you coming?” she said raising her eyebrows as we reached my locker.
“Uh… where?”
“To Dru’s? You know her party?” She says raising her eyebrows expectantly.
“Oh yeah. I’m coming. Probably, I mean it is tonight, right?” As I twist my lock to open.
“Yes, were have you been?” Darla said as she looked at her nails. “Anyways, do you need a ride again? Cause I don’t think my mother-”
“I don’t. I’m going with Spike and Faith,” I say as I get my books for the next class.
“I don’t understand how you can stand to be around that girl. I mean she is just so… She dresses like a slut, Buffy.”
“Darla,” I sigh at her.
“Anyways, Spike is cool. He and Dru seem to be getting closer, you think we have a matching?”
I scrunch my nose like I was trying to remember something and then take my Math folder. I look over at Darla as I close my locker. “I think he is into Faith,” I say nonchalant.
“God, who would be into that freak,” she says as we walk to her locker. I just roll my eyes.
***
“Jeez, Buff, make your mind up already,” Faith said as she lay on her back on my bed.
“It’s not easy. I have to look perfect!” I say, as I threw yet another pair of jeans into the pile of jeans that would just not fit to be worn for the party tonight.
“Whatever,” Faith said as she rolls her eyes.
The door suddenly opens and Spike comes into the room, “How are my girls?”
“Spike!” I yell horrified, standing in the middle of the room with only my shirt and thong on. “Get the hell out of here!”
Faith laughed as Spike went quickly out of the room and I turned quickly and glared at her. “That so wasn’t funny!”
Faith shook her head. “It was, just a little bit.” She replies as she starts sniggering. I just glare at her.
***
We all climbed up slowly towards Drusilla’s giant house. The stone stairs lead us to double doors were two huge guards stood. Walkie-talkie and everything. When we finally got through Spike turned to us and said, “She told me her mom works for the FBI or something. Cool, huh?”
“Whatever,” Faith replies as we pounded down to the basement were we could hear the music blaring. I looked over at both my friends before we walked in.
“Buffy!” Darla said as she started to walk towards me. I smile tightly at her as she pulls me towards were she is hanging out. I look back at Spike and Faith, but Spike was being dragged away by Drusilla and Faith was left to herself.
I bit my lip before turning back towards Darla and all my other friends. Darla and Cordelia started talking about some hot seniors. Getting bored quickly, I scanned the room to see who was there. Percy, Larry, Graham and Hogan were all laughing at something, sitting on the couches. Penn, James, Spike and Dru were leaning against the bar Dru had in the basement, drinking something out of a red cup. Nina, Kathy and Sam watched as Riley and Forest were having a knuckle fights.
“Is Angel coming?” I ask, as I look around again. He had to be invited, Angel, was Angel. Everyone new Angel.
“He is behind you, you idiot,” Darla said rolling her eyes.
I turn slowly around and I feel a huge smile grace my face. “Angel!”
“Hey,” he smiles.
We leave the group and start walking towards the deserted part of the basement and sat on the couches, which were white leather. The coffee table in front was full of candies that Angel was already devouring.
“Watcha ya doing this weekend?” he asked as he opened another Milky Way.
“I don’t know, Dad said he might take me to a movie. Why? Want to do something?” I ask, as I allow myself to take a Kit-Kat.
“Sure, that new Bruis Willis movie is coming out, wanna see it?”
“No! Nothing with dying. How about that movie with Carmen Diaz?”
“Okay,” he said. “Anything with her in it.”
I chuckled. “I heard she was nude or something. Or just wiggling her butt a lot.”
“Probably,” he said as he shoved more candy in his mouth.
I look around the room when I see someone start to come down the stairs. I nudge Angel to look over and he rolls his eyes. “He is a freak.”
“Angel!” I whisper, but grinning foolishly at the comment anyways.
“He was like depressed at his old school or something. He cut himself,” Angel explained.
I make a face of disgust and sort of scrunch my shoulders up. Depressed he might be, but he still held a lot of interest to everyone. No one really knew him. Everyone in the party, though, was looking at him. He was pale, and simply gorgeous. Dark brown hair, and eyes like a dark ocean; no one could deny that he was attractive.
Ford. That’s what people called him. He came from another school, but rumors were already flying about who he was and what had happened. I take Angel hands in mine and ignore him when he holds on tighter then he should when he sees were we are heading.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” He says as he follows me to the direction of Ford.
“Lets just go say hi,” I say.
“What? No!”
But we were already there. “Hey Ford.”
He looks me over, up and down and I feel Angel squeeze my hand tighter. Oww, and it hurt. “Hey.”
Angel sort of nods his head before letting go of my hand and whispers in my ear that he is going to hang out with Percy and those people. I shrug my shoulders and smile at Ford. “Two is merrier.”
He rolls his eyes a bit and then looks down. “So… I didn’t now you were invited. You friends with Dru or something?”
He looks at me and his stare is so intense I start to feel uncomfortable. “We used to go to the same school.”
“Oh,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he says. The silence starts to elapse and my head starts to pound.
“Everyone circle!” Darla yells. My savor.
Me and Ford start walking towards were Darla is and were everyone was forming a circle. I sit next to Angel and Cordelia and can’t help but thinking we are in third grade about to play a game of Truth and Dare. But I never played Truth and Dare with boys before.
“Seven Minutes in Heaven,” Darla says, as if she reads my thoughts. She holds up a bottle and my heart starts to beat. Yes, I have become one of the most popular girls in our school. Yes, I went on my dates. No, I haven’t kissed a boy yet.
“Darla, that is so childish,” Cordelia says, rolling her eyes.
“Childish yes, but are we in fifth grade? No, in eighth. And if you refuse to do it, then there will be a truth. And you have to answer it,” Darla said spinning the bottle in her arms.
People gulp. Darla might be in eighth grade but when she talks like that, you know she means it. My breath starts to grow deeper and I think I might choke, on what, I don’t know yet. I start to chew at my lip and then look at everyone around me. No one seems so freaked out. Relaxed. Has everyone else kissed someone already? Willow hasn’t kissed anyone! Neither has Xander.
And that is when it sort of dawns on me, we aren’t together anymore. We are totally in different groups. Me in this group with people who don’t mind playing seven minutes in heaven and them in the innocent group, who would never play seven minutes in heaven. I shut my eyes tightly.
This couldn’t happen. I don’t want my first kiss to be in a freaking closet with some random guy. I want to have a date, and dinner. Possibly a movie. And then we are on the doorstop and Angel kiss-
My brain freezes and thinks one thing: Angel. Now I really am hyperventilating. Oh no, not Angel. Can’t be Angel. I don’t like Angel. He is one of those non-boyfriend friends. He is my friend! But he is sort of cute, high voice and all. And he is always there for me. But he is ANGEL!
I see the bottle spinning and feel choked up. It lands on me. My eyes grow wide and I look at Angel frantically. He sort of shrugs his arms at me and I want to slap him. He should do something! My hearts starts beating wildly and I can’t calm myself down.
Darla smiles slyly at me when she spins the bottle again and I watch as it moves slowly around the circle. The blue haze of the bottle starts to creep slowly before it lands on… I look up and see Fords dark blue eyes piercing at me. No…
“What’s uh my dare?” I whisper.
Darla looks at me and smirks. “If you could choose anyone here to go in the room with you, who would it be?”
I shut me eyes and look back at Angel. I can’t tell everyone I like Angel! But I don’t like him! I slowly climb up and stand and people start jeering. This so wasn’t happing. This couldn’t happen. I’m only thirteen!
*Me and Ford slowly walk into the bathroom and watch as the door closes in our face. My heart starts beating wildly and it won’t stop. Ford closes the light and starts coming towards me. He stands in front of me, to close to me. Angel. Angel. Angel. Angel. My eyes shut tight and I feel his lips against mine. It’s funny and weird and disturbing. I try not to scrunch up but I start kissing back best I know, and I feel his tongue pushing my teeth and I’m about to tell him the tongue is in the way when he starts sticking it down my mouth. French kissing.
I start to do it back to him, and I feel his hands reach across my back and pull at my shirt. He stops kissing me and I feel his hands climb my back under my white Michael Star shirt and pull at my black Victoria Secret bra. He pulls my shirt up and he looks at my breast for a second before cupping them both in his pale hands. He starts rubbing his hands around them and all I feel is myself want to barf.
I don’t feel any pleasure at all. All I feel is sickness. He unzips his pants and that’s when I see it. Bumpy, vainly and ugly. I look up at him in horror. It’s hairy too. He brings my hands to it and he starts making me rub it up and down. I sort of get the feel of it when I feel it grow into a straight line. I look down at for a second and see something yellow at the tip of it. I look up to see him look at me eagerly. He kisses me again and this time I’m more relaxed. When he starts to reach further down my pants I pull away. Hiding myself from him.
My heart is pounding and tears are burning to come out of my eyes but all I can see is Ford with his smirk. And Darla with her smirk. He zips his pants up and helps me strap my bra back on and then he pulls me into his arms. Like he cares or something.
He pulls my chin up and kisses me. I kiss him back and feel his hand tangle in my hair. He cups my breast through my shirt. And I shut my eyes tightly. He looks at me when he pulls away and I feel my throat tighten up. He lets go and I move away from him and all we do is gaze at each other. *
The door to the bathroom flings open and Darla is their, bottle once again in her hands, her eyebrows raised. She smirks when she sees our flushed appearances and leads us back to the circle. This time I sit next to Faith, who looks at me weirdly before looking away. I pull my knees to my chest and look up to see Angel staring at me. His dark eyes broken.
Tears start to well in my eyes, and I can’t make any thought clear in my head. All I can see is Ford touching me. Me touching him. Everything is blurred and muddy and all I see is him, touching me. But I know one thing. One thing is clear in my muddled mine.
“I’m going to the kitchen for a second,” I say. I get up and I see everyone’s eyes on me. I climb the stares slowly and see Dru’s parents talking in the kitchen.
“Hi,” I say quietly. “Can I borrow your phone?”
“Sure, honey,” her mom says handing me the portable phone.
I smile at them gratefully and start dialing the number I know by heart.
The phone picks up and I hear Mrs. Rosenberg’s voice echo into the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi, it’s Buffy. Can I talk to Willow?”
I here her call Willow’s name to tell her to pick up the phone and I hear her giggling as she says hello. Xander must be there to.
“Wi-Willow?” I say, trying hard not to sob.
Her giggling stops and I hear her take a sharp breath. “Buffy?”
“Willow, can you come pick me up?” I whispered.
“Buffy, what’s wrong? Where are you?” she says frantically into the phone.
“At Drusilla’s house. Can you just come? Please?” I cry silently.
“Of course but-” I hang up before she can ask me any questions. I can’t handle anything right now.
I hand Dru’s phone back to her parents and climb back down the stairs. “My mom is making me go home early. Parents…” I say.
“I thought you are sleeping over?” Faith said.
“My mom said we have this thing tomorrow. I hate how they just change their decisions like that.”
I grab my stuff and go quickly up the stairs. I go outside and feel the cool rush go to my cheeks. Tears start streaming down my cheeks. I feel the door open behind me I turn quickly around and come face to face with my worst nightmare.
“What’s going on, Buffy?” Angel says coming towards me.
I move away. “Nothing.”
“What happened?”
I glare at him. “None of your business.”
“It is my business. You’re my best friend.”
My heart jumps and I try to smile but more tears just come down. I come closer to him and hug him. But he doesn’t hug me back. “That means a lot. But really, nothing.” He slowly brings his hands around my waist and hugs me tight.
He looks done at me, and he knows that something did happen. But he doesn’t say anything. I pull away when I hear a car come and I look up into his eyes. He lets go and I walk slowly towards the car and I look at him once more before turning my gaze to the car.
I come up into the car and I see Willow’s dad in his pajamas and Willow and Xander in the backseat. The tears start to rush up into my eyes and I remember Ford rubbing himself against me and the sticky feel of his penis. Willow rushes out and I feel my face crumple.
“Buffy what’s wrong?” she whispers.
All I do is cry as she pulls me into the car and holds me. We get to her house and I silently go up the familiar yet no so unknown stairs. Her mom left another sleeping bag but Willow brought me to her bed. I lay there and I here Xander and Willow but all I see and hear are visions. Visions, of me and Ford.
“Buffy?”
I look over at them and they come over. Willow sits next to Xander stands close to the bed but stands far enough to show he doesn’t trust me. My heart clenches and I feel another sob take over me. “I’m sorry.”
“Buffy,” Willow said ignoring my apology. “What happened?”
But I stay silent. Willow starts to move her hand up and down my hair but I flinch, remembering Ford. His hands in my hair. His hands smoothing my hair. His hands on my breast. His tongue in my mouth. I shiver. I look up at Willow and I get up but she lays my down again.
She smoothes my hair until I fall into a troubled sleep. My dreams are filled with Ford touching me and looking at me with his slimy eyes, but when I his hands start to touch me again, it’s Angel. His hands softly touching my breast. His hands stroking my hair. But when I look up again it’s Ford.
When Willow and Xander woke up, I was gone.
8th Grade- Trimester Three- March, 1999
I rolled my eyes at me teacher, who was insisting that I buy a binder for his class, but why should I, there is only like three months of school left! Teachers. I look to my left and I see Cordelia cracking up and watching her crack up makes me want to crack up to. So, I start to crack up. Not the best thing.
“What is so amusing, Buffy?” The stupid teacher asks me.
Just looking at his face makes me crack up more. I mean he is so large and funny looking! “Buffy, go to the Discipline Office!”
“What!” I yell at him in shock. I mean I know laughing isn’t the best thing to do to a teacher, but the Discipline Office! So not fair.
“Please, take your books and go ahead. I trust you know were it is?”
“But, that is not fair! I didn’t do anything! I just laughed!” I yell at him but he sort of smirks at me in that way that teachers do when they shouldn’t be doing something but do it anyways. I scowl at him and all I feel like doing is taking my freakin’ book and throwing it at him.
“Do you want to add a detention to that?”
I glare at him as I pick up my books and start to head out. Once my back is to the door, I make sure the door slams before heading to the stupid Discipline Office! Yes, there is such an office. Because there were, so many people being sent to different people of authority last year they decided to make an office just for being in trouble. Brilliant really. Last time I was there, which was two days ago, they made me write repeatedly that I will not talk during class again. My bloody brilliant school, I solute them.
As I walk towards the office, I pass a bunch of people but when I look ahead in the distance, I see someone I really don’t want to see. He notices me, and starts to comes towards me and I try to look for an escape route but I just can’t find one. My heart starts to hammer against my chest and I feel like I’m walking towards a chamber full of everything I didn’t like. I really didn’t want to talk to him right now. But I did.
“Hey,” I say, putting a fake smile on my face.
“Watsup?” he says coming way inside my comfort zone.
I take a step back and look into Ford’s eyes, there is something deep in them that sort of draws me to him, but something so chilling that pulls me away. After that night, were I had hooked up for the first time, we started to spend a lot of time together. I remember coming to his house, soon after that, and we would be able to talk for hours. Still, as much time I spent with him, I wasn’t even sure if I liked him. But I couldn’t stay away from him. I was drawn to him. He was different from everyone else. He wasn’t afraid to be different, and listen to loud music and wear nail polish. He didn’t care.
“Nothing, I just got to sent to the discipline office. You?” I say.
“I hate Spanish,” he says plainly and I laugh at his response at a lack of what to say.
Whenever Ford would say something like that, I was never sure if he was serious or not. His gaze always stayed the same way. He never changed and that is what scares me about him. He would say something like ‘That girl, I hate her, I wish she would die’ and I wouldn’t be sure if he was serious or not. He told me once that he wanted to have sex, and he didn’t care with who. He just wanted to. That sort of freaked me out because we were just hooking up a few minutes ago.
We weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but we weren’t friends either and that was clear to everyone. The first time I gave him a blowjob, it was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. And disgusting. I felt like I was sticking my toothbrush deep in my throat, the only difference now was that it was thicker. When he came, it splashed all over my stomach and his shirt that it was pretty embarrassing. Since then we learned to make sure it didn’t happen again. His mom keeps asking what happened to that shirt.
“Well, I better go, before you know, the teacher comes looking for me,” I say as I move away from him.
“Want to hang out Friday?” he says, his eyes giving the true intentions of his words. Want to hook up Friday?
“I can’t. Me and Angel are going to see a movie, maybe Sunday or something,” I say, trying to ignore the look of hate that crosses his face when I mention Angel’s name.
Him and Angel totally hate each other. Angel doesn’t care that we got close, all he sees is the boy that uses me. I keep telling him he doesn’t use me but he never listens. It’s the one thing me and Angel don’t get along about. He hates when I mention Ford and he hates when I tell him that I was with him. He gets this look in his eyes. Sometimes I think it’s jealousy and other times I truly think Angel hates him. But the difference between him and Ford, and I like this, is that Angel never has this dangerous look that Ford has.
Ford told me once how he used to cut himself at his old school. I told him I didn’t believe him, and he pulled up his long shirt and showed me. I remember tracing them and how he looked up into my eyes and he pulled me close to him and kissed me. It was then that I understood that he was closer to me than anyone else. It sort of broke my heart that he didn’t have any friends. Not that I had so many close friends either.
“Sunday then,” Ford says and gives me his smile, that I only get.
***
On Friday me and Angel went to go see the movie when we decided to ditch it and go get ice cream instead. We sit at the table, and he keeps looking at me funny, and now I can’t handle it anymore. What is he looking at?!
“Do I have something on my face?” I question, smiling at him happily.
“Nope, I was just thinking about things,” he replies as he takes a lick of his ice cream on his cone.
“Like what? And you have to share because we are best friends,” I say as I take his cone and hand him mine.
“Hey!” he replies but starts eating mine anyways.
“Well, what were you thinking?”
“About how things have changed and then not,” he said.
I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. “Huh?”
“Well you know, you being friends with Darla and everything. But then your still same old Buffy.”
“I hope that is a good thing,” I say looking at him with happy curiosity.
“Old Buffy is a good Buffy.”
I decide I don’t even want to now his thoughts on the new Buffy and decide not to mention it. I take his hand in mine and I can’t help but feel those feelings. Like the electricity, like I want to flinch but I don’t. It stings but it feels good. He twines my finger through his and I smile at him. We do this sometime, hold hands. It’s nice.
***
It’s late when I finally get home and I hear the yelling in the house already and I flinch. My parents yell all the time at each other lately. I hear a bang and then a shatter and I know my dad just threw something at the wall. I hear my mom screech at him and I quickly climb the stairs. I close my door shut and stair at my wall with pictures of *NYSYC and Backstreet Boys on my wall. I lay quietly on my bed and try to pretend not to hear the yelling downstairs.
I hear my mom climb the stairs and I know she is going to come into my room and fight with me. She does this when her and dad fight. Every time they fight she looks to fight some more with whoever is around and she usually chooses me just because we never agree on anything.
The door opens and she walks into my room, her face angry. “Buffy, why did you come home so late?”
“I was out with Angel, remember?”
“Are you telling me I don’t remember things?” she says glaring at me and I don’t understand how parents can change one subject to another so quickly.
“Huh? What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I am talking! Now stop changing the subject and answer the question!” Mom yells.
I have no idea what she is talking about. “What question?” I say raising my eyes in expectation.
Mom looks at me and for some reason she seems to get madded. Shit. “Buffy, stop pretending that you know everything! I’m sick of it! You don’t know anything. You are to young to know as much as I know.”
I looked at my mom in shock. Weren’t we talking about how I was coming home late? “Mom, I never said that I knew anything!” God what the hell is her problem! She gets so PMSey sometimes. I roll me eyes and I shrink when I see mom see that.
“Don’t roll you eyes at me, young lady. Who do you think you are, acting like this is nothing. I need you to lose the attitude!”
Now I’m pissed. I wasn’t even doing anything! “What was I doing? I was sitting here and you come and here and start yelling at me! I didn’t do anything! “
“Don’t yell at me!” Mom said as she started walking towards the door.
“Mom, I wasn’t yelling,” I say frustrated. What does she want from me! I don’t understand!
“Yes you were. Buffy Summers you stay here and you don’t leave this room.”
“What! That is so not fair!” And now I scream. I swear, my mom is going through menopause or something.
“When you act like this anything is fair.”
“Mom, your are so overreacting!”
“No computer,” my mom said as she opened the door and started out.
“Mom, this is so not fair! What is going on with you!”
“This is fair when you act like this, keep going like this you aren’t going to have any computer for the week,” the evil bitch from hell said.
I glare at her as she leaves my room and I want to just yell after her how much I hate her, how much I love Dad more than her. I go over to my bed, yell into my pillow, and try to calm down. I hate her so much, damnit I hate her more than anything.
I just want to call someone to complain, anyone but I can’t think of anyone I want to call. I pick my cell phone up and dial Cordelia’s number.
“Hey,” she says happily.
“Hey,” I say, best I can, but I just seem to feel a sob come into my throat as I hear Mom and Dad start to argue, about me, again, like always.
“You know, I’ll call you back later,” I whisper before hanging up and calling someone I know I shouldn’t but have to call.
“Hello?”
I sob into the phone and suddenly all the tears start coming out.
“Hello!” The voice says worried.
“Wi- Willow?” I sob as I fall onto my bed.
“Buffy?” she questions in a way to silent voice.
I start to sob some more, and I fall onto my bed and sob into my pillow. Everything seemed to fall apart slowly, everything seemed to be going away. I cry harder and slowly I start to unravel the story to Willow as she comforts me. I cry, for the first time since I can remember. I let all those tears fall out and the anguish that has seeped into me since the begging of the year, since I wasn’t best friends with my best friends anymore.
“Are you okay?” Willow says, as my sobs start to end slowly.
“No.”
“Can you explain it better now?” Her voice is so nice and welcoming that my tears start to fall again. I was so mean to her? How can she like me even.
“My mom is such a bitch,” I whimper into the phone. “She doesn’t give a shit about me.”
“Buffy… She loves you,” Willow says, and I can tell she was confused in how I can call my mom a bitch.
“Everyone hates me!” I finally say as the silence expands.
I can feel like she is rolling her eyes and I felt more tears well up. “Nobody hates you.”
I sniffle a little and I feel my heart give a tiny pinch. “You and X-Xander hate me.”
“We don’t hate you,” Willow says, she sounds annoyed, and I feel my throat quench up.
“Yes you do.” And it was the sentence I never liked to think, but was always their in my head. Haunting me with its thought. The only people I trusted, the only people who were ever there for me, hated me. Suddenly things were dizzy and I didn’t know what to do. Were was I? Who was I? What was I doing? And those were the million dollar questions.
“Buffy, we don’t hate you… we’re just- confused,” Willow replies to my statement. “Disappointed.”
I gulp and my throat tightens. “I didn’t now what I was doing. It suddenly what I wanted seemed in reach and I took it, I didn’t know I was going to screw everything up.”
“Buffy, you don’t need to explain it to me.”
“And I know I disappointed you,” Ignoring what she said. “I turned into this freak, this spoiled rich girl even though I didn’t flaunt it. I was rude and mean and I know that.
“And I, Willow, I don’t know what I am doing anymore,” and the sob reaches my throat and I start sobbing for a totally different reason now. The reason that should have come first, the reason that knew but ignored. Something that I did to myself. “I’m so lost, and so afraid. All I want are to people to love me. I just want someone to take care of me! And I know I’m spoiled for thinking that and a bitch but I can’t help it… I’m so alone and all I think about is how I wish I can just come over to your table and sit there, and just not be afraid anymore. “
By the end of my long babble I’m sobbing on the floor, crying my heart out and I feel so lost. And all I want is for someone to come and hug me. But no one does.
***
I sit at the table at school and I know Cordelia is staring at me funny and I know my eyes are red and vainy, and I look tired, but I am. I sit at the table with the French fries and Mac and Cheese they served today at lunch and the smell sort of stinks and I’m really tired.
“Earth to Buffy!”
I jump in my chair and almost the whole table is staring at me. I rub my eyes and look at them. My eyes wide, and tired. I know I don’t look good today, and I know I look drowsy but hey doesn’t everyone have the excuse to wear sweats once in a while?
“Huh?”
Darla rolls her eyes at me, and I sit sort of hunchbacked in my chair. I’m just so depressed. Angel is looking over at me, worry in his eyes, like always. It’s getting really annoying I’m not a baby and he doesn’t need to treat me like one. I roll me eyes at him and my eyes land on one of the bench tables.
I look at one of the tables closely and see Willow, Xander, Anya, and a few others talking really seriously about something and I feel my stomach sort of quench. I look away quickly before staring into the eyes of Spike who is looking at me curiously, his smirk large.
“Nothing,” I say as I eat a French fry and shake my head. “Nothing, I’m fine.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
But all the while my heart is sobbing inside of me.
And Spike knows that.
8th Grade- Trimester Four- June, 1999
Zoning out is something I learned can be very useful. Especially when Darla and Drusilla can't seem to shut up! Half an hour I am here, at the mall, listening to them yap and yap and yap away with nothing in their brain! I am bitter, I know. No one needs to tell me. I'm almost falling asleep, almost but they just seem to need me in their conversation. Jesus. I finally make some excuse about needing to go to the bathroom and I run away. I as I am walking, I run right into someone. Shit.
"I'm so ssss-" and then I stop because right now I really don't need to face the people who I have once again abandoned. And if I finally face both Willow and Xander, it will finally occur to me that I have abandoned them even after they saved my life once again.
"Buffy," Xander says surprised. Well, he shouldn't be that surprised, I mean I am always here. Shopping, because my life is sad.
"Hey!" I say, trying to act all upbeat, when inside I'm scared they are going to come at me with beating clubs. Which can’t be possible because they don’t have any, but still… I’m a chicken.
Willow looks at me for a second, like she is judging me and I feel my inside fall; she never judged me before. "How are you feeling?" she finally asks.
I scrunch my eyebrows a little and sort of wiggle my noise and out of the corner of my eye I see Xander sort of laugh. "Good, better, I mean, you know."
"That's good," Willow replies.
And now we find ourselves in the tense moment of silence. I always wanted to know how they feel like, and now I wished I never felt them. They aren't fun, at all. I look down at my watch and then back at them and I try to think of anything to say but my mind sort of draws a blank. Great, when I need my brain to work it just doesn't. Fucking brain.
"SO, me and Will are going to go. See you around, maybe," Xander says as he and Willow are about to turn around.
My eyes widen and I think fast (woah, I can think, finally). "Hey, why don't you guys join us?"
That stops them. "Join you?" Xander asks.
"Uh yeah, why not?" A million reasons you idiot. Darla, Drusilla, Xander hates them, Xander, little Willow.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Willow says and my heart sort of sinks. "But thanks for the offer."
I smile at that and think. "Hey, can I join you guys?"
They stare sort of blankly at me like I said something crazy. "If you want but aren't-"
"They'll get over it," I say.
We start walking and the tense silence sort of falls again, but not so tense. "So what have you guys been up to."
"Oh you know, the usual, smoking, sex, dope," Xander says and I laugh. I missed Xander… I’m such a bad person. How can I miss him when I am the one that abandoned him?
"Do you know why they call it dope?" I ask.
"Why?"
"Cause you turn into a dope," and I start laughing at my own joke, which I think is funny and true, but the important thing is that Willow and Xander are also laughing.
Once we reach the eatery and get our food, and sit down I start asking questions. "So you guys get your report card yet?"
"Nope, but then again I don't want it," Xander says.
"Aren't we supposed to get them in July?" Willow asks.
"Probably… but you probably have nothing to worry about," I say to her as I eat a French fry.
"Maybe… you never know," she says.
"Don't listen to her, she is lying, she got straight As," Xander says pointing a French fry in her face.
"Xander, you can't just assume-"
"I'm not assuming, we got our little cards that show us your grades and I didn't see A- or B+ or C. All I saw was that stupid letter."
I roll my eyes at him. "A isn't bad thing, Xander."
"Shut up, Buffy," but he is smiling when he says it and I laugh.
***
"It was weird and not," I say on the phone as I speak with Angel.
"Weird?" Angel's voice sounds on the phone.
I smile and I think he knows I am smiling. I love talking to Angel. "Yeah, I mean I totally ditched them and they were nice to me."
"Maybe they like you, Buffy?' Angel asks in a joking voice.
"Maybe," I reply.
"So what are doing tomorrow?" he asks.
"I don't know, now that school is over I have nothing to do," I say as I pull my pink nail polish out of make- up closet.
"We should do something," he says it so casually that I laugh.
"If you insist, Angel," I laugh at him and he laughs back.
"I really insist that you come with me, I mean I am only here for a week and then I leave," he says and then I gasp.
"NO! Angel! You can't leave me!" I say as I start polishing my toes.
"I have to. Camp is the number one most important thing to me," he says with false seriousness.
"I thought I was number one!"
He laughs at that and I hear him moving around and suddenly I feel my heart drop. I don't want him to leave, who am I going to call all summer when I am bored or when I need to complain or… just to be with?
"Angel, please don't go," I say quietly and for a moment I think he doesn't hear me and of course I am glad ‘cause I am more or less begging him not to leave me.
"Buffy…" he says and I wish I hadn't said that.
"I was just kidding," I say, but I don't feel like I was kidding. Why can't I just tell him the truth?
"Buffy, what-"
"Can I write you?"
He is quite for a moment and then suddenly I wish I had never talked and opened my big mouth. "If you don't, I think I might cry."
I laugh and I sort of feel my heart jump. "Then I guess I have to," I sigh and I hear him laugh.
"And send me Playboy. Mom said she wouldn't."
"Haha," I say with no laughter in my voice.
***
Me and all my friends are at the mall, saying goodbye to each other, because almost every single one of us are going to camp or some weird country tomorrow. I’m going to England, were Mom finally gave me her permission to be able to do whatever I want with my hair, even if I want dye to it black (not that I would, cause, eww goth). I am sitting next to Angel who has his hand around me, and is playing with the strap of my shirt. It feels nice. He is talking to Percy about something but I look up at him and he looks down at me before looking back at Percy. A second later he looks down at me, stopping in the middle of his sentence. I smile up at him and he smiles back down and then looks back at Percy who has a grin like no tomorrow on his face.
“Aww, look at Angel and Buffy,” he says with a fake sugary voice.
I roll me eyes at him. “Shove it up your ass, Percy,” Angel says, but laughing to the joke anyways.
If only Angel didn’t think of me as a sister. If only. That should be the title to the book of my life. IF ONLY! If only I could not be a chicken, if only I could be brave and tell Angel he belongs with me, if only I didn’t follow Darla around, if only I could just go to Willow and beg her for forgiveness, if fucking only. I start to zone out like I always do when I hear Darla’s squeaky voice call my name. I tense up and Angel feels this and grins down at me. I glare at him.
“Yeah?”
“When are you coming back?” she says, while looking at her nails.
I think for a second. “I don’t know.”
“Well, if you did I thought we could get together,” she says, finally looking at me.
v “Huh?” I really am lost to the conversation. I think I need to go back on my ADHD pills.
She huffs and then starts to talk to Dru. I look at Angel. “Did I miss something?”
Before he could answer I hear Larry shouting, “GEEK ALERT!”
We all turn and see Willow, and Xander walking towards us. I gulp, this cannot end will in any way, shape or form. I am such a wimp. God please help me. Have mercy, I swear I won’t do anything bad for as long as I live. Well, you know, if I can help it. Like lusting after Angel, I can’t help that-
Larry yelling breaks my indoor praying. “What brings you nerds to this side of the mall?” he says in a not so nice voice. I gulp, I am such a bad chicken. Chicken, Buffy you are a chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken.
They look petrified and for a second Willow looks at me, and she looks at me with such disappoint it sort of breaks my heart. I think I feel it cracking. I’m am such a bad friend, and person. I look away before I do something stupid like cry and I hear Larry start mocking them. I turn red and try to look anywhere but where Willow and Xander are standing. I hear Angel tell Larry to back off but he ignores him.
“And you, Harris, you are such a faget!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP LARRY!”
I think I am in shock of myself. I am standing, puffing, at Larry. Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, I think I am going to die!
Everyone’s head turns to look at me, and I know it is a bit shocking. I mean, me, Buffy, is sticking up for dorks. Omigod, and I didn’t even see myself standing. But everyone is glaring at me, or looking a bit… shocked. Don’t I know any other words?!?! I look over at Willow and she is sort of… Well she is grinning, and that’s a good thing. I think. Big grinning. Very good thing. And Xander is… well shocked.
“What did you say Buffy?” Larry says, his eyes I think are turning red…
I take a deep calming breath. Now or never. “You heard me. What right do you have to talk to them like that? They never did anything to you!”
I look over at Darla, and she has this smirk on her face, like she knew I was going to screw up eventually. Well, maybe I wasn’t cut up to be popular. I take hold of my bag and climb my way out of where I was sitting and move towards Willow and Xander. I start to walk away from who I was before, and towards who I promise myself I will become. Xander and Willow behind me smiling like idiots. I just need one more look, and as I do I see Larry seething at being told at, and Cordelia being sort of shocked, but having a small smile on her face. Darla is just glaring, and everyone else sort of seems confused.
My heart sort of explodes, in a not so good way and I need to take deep breath but it’s okay. Cause just as I was about to cry, Xander puts his hand around my shoulder and hugs me to him and Willow has this huge happy grin on her face and I just looking at how innocent and happy she looks makes me so happy.
We are just about to walk out of the mall when I hear someone calling my name. “Buffy!”
I turn around and I see Angel running towards us. Big grin on his face. “Wait up!”
Of course, I grow roots to the place I am standing. He finally gets to me and gives me this huge smile. I bite my lip but I have a smile on my face, still. It is starting to hurt.
Angel looks over at Xander as he pulls me to his chest and says, “You are going to have to move over. She is my best friend.”
My heart flip flops as he pushes Xander lightly and pulls me closer to him.
“Hey! She is my best friend,” Xander says as he pulls me back, and I can’t stop the big grin that forms on my face.
“No, she is mine!” Angel says and just when he is about to pull me back, I pull out of both them and put my arms around Willow.
“Nope, I’m Willow’s best friend.”
Willow smiles at me and I smile back and I hear both the guys laughing in the background. I should have done this a lot sooner. As we walk out the mall I feel this feeling of accomplishment. I was finally popular, and I got my taste of it, and it showed me that it wasn’t pretty and fun. It hurt and its pressuring and when I look back and look at Angel’s face, and he smiles at me with so much pride, I see that finally, I’m happy. Which is sort of weird, I haven’t felt it in so long… Oh well.
TBC in 9th Grade... and 9th Grade to me seems like the year of Angel