Don't Let Grandpa Near the Ammo

People normally go a little nuts near the end of their lives. They talk to invisible people, they get a few dozen cats, they drive backwards on the 401, whatever. Well, when Bill Clinton's political life neared its constitutionally mandated end, he went a little Waco, too. He stole the W's from the keyboards, he flipped the furniture upside down, he slept with Janet Reno.

But there's one important difference between grandpa and Bill: when grandpa went off his nut he didn't take an AK-47 down to the mall to let everyone know he was still alive. Bill, however, in a last ditch effort to remind everyone he was still up in Washington sexing up a storm, pardoned one hundred forty convicted felons and commuted the sentences of thirty-six others. Why doesn't he just let a couple hundred Iraqis loose in New York and declare that yankee season has begun? Better yet, equip them all with cameras and boom! you've got the most successful TV show in Canadian history. You could even offer a bonus every time they knock off a former president; god knows we're all waiting for someone to put a bullet in Jimmy Carter.

But maybe we're not giving Bill enough credit here. Maybe he was doing what was best for America. I mean, think about it. You've got all these murderers just rotting in jail, and Bush, in his infinite wisdom, decides to fry 'em all at once so he can afford to move the Texas Rangers to Camp David, and maybe a defribulator for Dick. Next thing you know, the power's out nationwide and they're burning unsold copies of Gary Coleman's autobiography for warmth.

Don't worry Bill, we all know what you're going through. Your career has peaked, your daughter's moved away, and your wife's ready to dump you for Larry King. But please, next time you're feeling down, do what we all expect you to do and hire yourself a whore. Then when you look back four years from now at the wreck America has become, you can tell the twenty-something you just slept with that Bill Clinton was what made America great. And isn't that the most important thing?