The Last Taboo

Now put on your memory cap. Think back, way back. When's the last time you sang God Save the Queen? When's the last time you swore an oath to Lizzy? Yes, we're a constitutional monarchy, but except during the odd royal visit, we really couldn't care less. I guess you could say we're a monarchy the same way that Vatican City is a country. We all know that Vatican City is a country as long as Italy allows Vatican City to be a country. It's not like they've got hoards of cardinals in there packing AK-47's or anything. And you're not likely to see the pope calling up the Dali Lhama to get some backup, either. That's the way it is here: Canada is a monarchy as long as Canada wants it to be.

So when Foreign Affairs Minister John Manley came out of the Republican closet and said he was in favour of abolishing the monarchy, I didn't really think much of it. So what do I see a couple of days later? Why, there's Rex Murphy on the news telling me the guy is nuts. What's the problem? The last time I checked, this was not ancient Rome, and Jean Chretien was not our Emperor.

So why is the word "republican" so taboo? Last time I checked the Queen wasn't shuttering every time someone brought up the US. Would Canada be a different place if we called it "Hangover Day" instead of Victoria Day? Rex Murphy has argued up and down for common sense in government, but he's saying Manley is a madman because Ottawa might be deprived of Adrienne Clarkson's parties! Oh, and even worse, he betrayed the oath he swore when he became an MP. Did the oath say anything about keeping his political views a secret? Did it say anything about doing what he thinks is best for the country?

But I know what you're thinking Rex, if we let MP's get away with breaking their oath to the Queen, what's next?! Lawyers could start showing up in court without those big ugly cape things with the tie sticking way out! Those pictures of Queen Elizabeth could be taken out of schools to be replaced with !!GASP!! a Canadian! Get real! The monarchy came into question the day we stopped flying the Union Jack and started singing O' Canada.

What's the worst that could happen? Thousands of teenage girls rioting because William is no longer "their Prince?" Fine, I know, they had a referendum in Australia and they kept the monarchy. But you know what I just realized? There are no kangaroos, dingoes, or giant beers outside my window. I guess we're not in Australia. Why should the fate of Canada be predetermined because of Australians? It doesn't make any sense.

Please, Mr. Manley, don't let Rex get you down. You wanna give Lizzy a couple good kicks in the political rump, you go right ahead. As for you Rex, you'd better get your act together. We know you like schmoozing with Adrienne Clarkson, so how about we buy you two a nice deserted island on the cheap. Maybe one of those ones the US used to test A-bombs. Then Adrienne can be Governor General, you can be Prime Minister, and Radiationland can take Canada's seat in the commonwealth. I know it doesn't sound very democratic, but we polled the Australians, and they're in favour of it.