Note: Original grammar and spelling has been deliberately preserved.

Tatty dreams …

"What is the point of this cat fight?" asked a vanquished Kelly Trucker as she lay on the dusty road, bleeding and naked with vulnerability. Her left eye was black and swollen shut by Tatty's rage. Yet through this violence her voice was resonant and strong. Which only fueled Tatty's fire of vengance.

Tatty hurled her response to Kelly immeadiately. "The point is of no return, and you've reached it." Along with a jaw renching slap accross the face.

With all the strenghth she could musterr, Kelly stood up, teeterd a little, and looked Tatty in the eye. With a steady mezzo piano tone she calmly told Tatty her sad life story.

"Look I'm sorry, that your such a fat, ugly, loser of a malkin. Whose idea of success was following exactly in your sister's footsteps. Which by the way you failed miserably. I'm sorry that your popularity by association lasted until your 8th grade graduation. I'm sorry that the only way you can get off is by fucking your 8th graders. It really breaks my heart."

"You're Lucky it's not your neck!" screamed Tatty. Hitting her head in indignation she further stammered.

"You know what K. Do you think your better than me because you hang out with St. Mary's kids who were the under munchers of Jr. High life, who suddenly, and believe me I ask God why every night at vespers with my mother Martyr, got popular in High school, then even more popular in college, and have succeeded in every aspect of life?"

Kelly only replied, "I am better Tatty. Much Better."

Tatty lunged for her throat, but Kelly kept getting farther away. Farther and farther away, until the blackness before Tatty was the vile blackness of Martyr's kitchen.

Tired, chinn in pain, and a bad salsa hangover to contend with, Tatty crawled to the narrow mirror next to the oven adjacent to the fetid T.V. room. Curiously, above the doorway was a wooden sign with faded gold letters that boldly read:

"THREE'S COMPANY WILL NEVER BE VIEWED IN THIS HOUSEHOLD."

Tatty looked in the mirror. She laughed uncontrollably. Perhaps scoffing Kelly, her lot in life, but no she was laughing because she found herself to be the most beautiful girl in Lincolnwood, and everyone was a fool for thinking the opposite.

Her laughter died down to a mere chuckle that made the flab of her neck vibrate in after schocks. What followed was truly pathetic. She fondles her massive bossom. Since she was a gastronome her infected pink nipples had grown to the size of super-sized thimbles. The mystery was she hadn't had children even. When her nipples were as hard as she desired, her fingeres traveled due south. An area no one had been in years but herself. She writhed in the filth of the kitchen flood. Bucking her hips in a syncopated rythm so that the entire length of her four sausage fingeres could enter her well spoiled black hole of Calcutta. If her clitoris could scream NO it would. Again her clitoris let her have a quick orgasm, but to make sure that she wouldn't want a repeat espsode. Good old Clitoratta made it an earth shattering one. However with each wave of pleasure swept ofer her the Kitchen began to get tidy. For every raspy sigh of ecstasy celestial candelabras appeared already lit. For every turn of her stupid head each item of the Kitchen disappeared. Tatty brought through her disgusting act one disgusting Person from beyond the grave: Jim Welch! (Somewhere a d flat minor chord is booming.) He cut a debonaire figure standing in this nether-room. He exhaled smoke from a clove cigarette then dropped it & stamped on it to put it out.

"Got any Squares Tatty?" asked the spectre.

Instantly Tatty woke from her Euphoria. The only person ever to ask her constantly for squares was Jim Welch. Her eyes stared at him in disbelief. "I've really gone mad now. Kelly Trucker has driven me insane!" screamed the soiled Tatty.

"You're not insane, Tatty. It's me …"

"I know who you are. You're Jim Welch, but you died in the Phillipines in Catty's cat house!" Tatty fought back tears. After she callmed down she asked: "What do you want with me?"

"Much … you're reclamation."

"Reclamation? Am I to be shown my past transgressions, then repent, and be lead into heaven?" asked a hopeful Tatty.

"Why no Tatty. You have been utterly damned since 8th grade. All those inane Questions, and deceit have given you a one way ticket to Hades. I'm here to see you get a cabinet post. Plus I think Mephistofeles has a crush on you … have you ever seen a dick on a devil?"

"Well there was this one time I slept with Mr. Mascara in the consecion stand of the gym …"

"See what I mean by inane Tatty? Now let me do all the talking." After his much needed command to shut Tatty up he snapped his fingers. Where upon a pack of squares and chair materialized. [Oh by the way dear readers if you are aghast at Tatty's & Jim's increased vocabulary, fear not since they are in a netherworld Beelzabub has given their tongues the power of the English language. However their vocabularies are not as large as Marrie's. (She knows such charming ananchanisms!) I'm afraid Beelzabub would have it no other way! Back to Jim.]

After getting comfortable in his chair, he gave yet another disapproving glance at Tatty. "You know if I am to speak to you any further I'm gonna need something ½ way decent to look at. Hmmmm … I know!" He graphed his crotch 3 times because apparently magic from the devel's domain is channeled through the crotch. With every tug of his testes Tatty turned. She spun at such a velocity that all the celulite burned right out of her. After the spinning stopped she looked like Jessica Rabbit sans the voice. However the oily curly hair remained. Pleased with his work Jim produced a mirror so that Tatty could see.

"I've never looked this good in my life," sighed a raptuous Tatty.

"You'll be able to look like this for eternity my un-porcine child. You'll be able to fuck any 8th grader, gremlin, food item you like."

"Totally?"

"Totally."

"What do I have to do?" asked Tatty with a shit eating grin.

"What does your heart tell you?"

"My heart say's nothing, my feelings tell me TO KILL KELLY TRUCKER!!!"

"Um, isn't your heart just a metaphor for your feelings? Uh, never mind I'm dealing with a moron who thought that by just going to high school she'd get pregnant." Tatty was so caught up in a rage that she didn't hear his remark. Clearing his throat Jim regained Tatty's attention. "What you have to do is simple … carry out my plan." said Jim in a measured tone.

"What's the plan? Whatever it is I'll do!"

"Kelly Trucker shall not have the last laugh by having the perfect carrer, the perfect friends, or play with Burt's perfect penis all day! We will make it possible that her nightmare of nightmares will come true."

"Being forced into a gangbang with the female cast of V.I.P.?" shrieked a gleeful Tatty.

"No. Being forced into marriage with Kandy Kanocrisco."

"Oh Marrie your apartment is so elegant, I had no idea you were so into Art Nevou?" squilled a resplendant Kelly entering Marries Apt.

Marries apt was a fin de secla dream come true. Countless prints and originals of Gustav Klimt. The Kunstwerk Foundation of Vienna bestowed the original Kiss painting to Marrie for her research into the true way the painting should be hung.

Burt noticed something odd by the windows that gave a view of the skyline. "Marrie when did you become a music lover?"

Marrie blushed like the shrinking violet that she is and responded meekly, "Well Burt, that's my Steinway, and all my Mozart, Verdi, & Puccini scores littered about. I'm preparing for a vocal recital at Orchestra Hall."

After a period of stunned silence Burt & Kelly barely let a "What?" out of their beautifully sculpted lips.

"Yes Mr. Grillin is my accomp. I'll be singing some high colorotura pieces followed by an encor of St. Mary's May Crowning hits!" said a now exultant Marrie.

"Can I accompany you with my vituosic accordian playing?" asked a never boastful Burt.

"BURT, how many times have I told you never to offer your services, they must ask you—no—beg you! Talent like yours is worth a king's ransom. It is not to be squandered on a neophyte like Marrie." commanded Kelly with a disdaninful glance at Marrie. Kelly quickly mused to herself, "Why if Marrie gets an iota of Burt's attention I'll go pea green with envy. Oh but to think how I can take it out on him later tonight in the bedroom." Marrie was answering back sheepishly "Um-em Kelly's right Burt, I am unworthy of golden talent like yourself." Marrie thought "I'm so happy to see my succefull friends, but golly Kelly irks me sometimes. Just because Burt is nice to me she snaps like the venomous python that she is. If it weren't for me she never would've met Burt. God! And Burt is always so sincere and brutally honest. Would never do anything to hurt us. Like Bele I shall chant this fervent prayer:

"O man in the moon my God, Please let Burt like me, I mean really like me."

Burt irritated greatly at these women's [unintelligible] took it upon himself to interject: "Enough bickering gammines this will silence your wagging tongues!" At that point Burt litterally ripped off his shirt to reveal his nipple piercing. He loved the ooo-ing and ahing of Marrie, as well as the shimmy and wink from Kelly.

"Well that's what I like to see a man with great tits and a gem to go with 'em," exclaimed a sultry Kelly. Since the news of Jim Welch didn't phase her at all she decided to one up Burt and grabbed his crocth twice each time saying, "Honk-honk."

"Oh! It's so scrumdilliumptious seeing us all together without any acrimonious barrages."

Kelly and Burt exchanged a Knowing glance, and a generous goose.

Suddenly with out warning the telephone erupted with a calvacade of bliss.

"I'll get it!" sang Marrie as she ran into the other room.

Burt turned to Kelly and whispered, "I haven't heard a tone like that since Julie Andrews!"

"I hate to admit, but you're right." agreed Kelly with her smile as wide as the amazon.

Just then Marrie emerged.

"Kelly its your Momma, Marlena!"

"My momma, shit I love hearing from her, she is totally like my best friend next to you guys!"

"I wish I had that kind of Bond with my mom," sighed Burt.

"It comes with time and patience, don't fret … Just believe it can happen."

Burt collapsed into Marrie's heaving double D Bosom and began to weep with all gusto.

"Oh Marrie," he sobbed, "If it wasn't for your optimism and encouraging words my hopes would surely be torn asunder by ghosts of the past. My heart is so heavy with a transgression … I must tell you."

Just then Kelly burst in the room doing a cart-wheel.

"Gaul did it! He discovered Atlantis right of the coast of Moory England! However he and Kim Fields broke up, she apparently ran off with Mindy Cohn, but he is rich beyond his wildest dreams!"

"And he did it all with my help!"

"Mitzie!!" our beloved trio said gleefully.

"No, no I do not go by that moniker anymore. Behold I am Bele the brave."

"Mother of shit how'd you even get in here?" said a curious Kelly.

"Aw I just hitched my rope on the gargoyle & climed up the side of the bldg. Look who is here with me, Claudious, my man of men."

Burt immeadiately patted Bele on the shoulder, and then jumped into Claudius' lap.

"O Claud it has been too long!" They exchanged a firm manly embrace.

"O men & their fancies what will they think of next?" said Bele.

"Um … Bele why the change? You were a proper clerk in a tea shoppe now you look like something out of She-ra." said a bewildered Marrie.

"Glad you asked. Gaul needed some cash for his expidition. Naturally I dipped into my brother Fluke's trust fund. I only had one request. Find me the Trimeralo dagger, and you need not pay off the stolen debt."

"The Trimeralo dagger? The one that can destroy all evil? The one that slew Pummice?" asked Burt.

"That's the one, and it's mine. And I have just the person to use it on … Tatty Trenchmouth."

"But she's nothing but a gastronome who likes 8th graders," laughed Kelly.

"Laugh now, but I have come to warn you. I saw Tatty consorting with the devil's stooge … Jim Welch. He's returned from purgatory, and enlisted Tatty in a revenge I dare not speak."

"Tell me now!" demanded Kelly.

"He & Tatty are going to put a spell on you, so that you will marry … Kandy Kanocrisco. They went to the withes coven by Mather and got a potion that they plan to put on food stuffs. Where upon you'll eat it, see Kandy, become a dullard and marry him (gulp) then become best friends with his mother."

For the first time in Kell's life she was afraid. Thank God Bele has become a fantastical barbarian so she could warn me, she thought.

"When?"

"Marrie's recital," said Bele with down cast eye.

"We'll be ready," exclaimed Kelly with a voice suffused with Hot tears. The tears trickled down to places men only dream about.

"Your damn right we'll be ready," said Burt.

"Me & Claud shall embark to this Witches coven. No dobt memberd with Lucy Hysteria & Penny Malhoney, and the Flashiest of the Trash Aurora Porkroast."

Marrie fainted at the name, but came to as Bele slapped her across the face.

"Pull your self together, your such … a … girl!"

"I know, I can't help it, my daintainess is my best quality."

"Put a cork in it Marrie," said Claud full of piph & vinegar, "It's high time me and Burt got together … um to the whiches coven."

"Only we shall not seal this pact as Jim & Tatty did by fucking, we shall shimmy!"

After Shimming they left Marrie's apartment. May Ganesha guide them.