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You don't have to think about it... Just join! |
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You don't have to think about it... Just join! |
FLA Declares Victory!Urges Everyone to "Wang Chung Tonight"!Results are in: the Columbia University Graduate
Students and Coal-Miners Assocation, Amalgamated, has completed their
vote, and with an unprecedented
107% of the oppressed worker-class turning out to vote, the
Fayerweather Liberation Army has received
107.334% support from the student coal-miner body! The FLA's Minister
P was too drunk to comment, but his spokesman had this to say: "We are one
mind. We are one body! The liberation of Fayerweather is nearly complete!"
Not everyone was satisfied with the vote, however. One FLA minister commented
off the record: "What about that other 0.663%? I'm sure if I could just touch
them and rub them, everything would be okay..." History Department officials
raved about the FLA's success, attributing the opposition's failure to their
dumb-ass campaigning tactics and ugly posters. Alan Brinkley had this to
say: "We da union? Man, dat shit's wack!"
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We Are The Union!
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FLA Ministers Seized in a UAW/GSEU Special Forces Raid!Minister of Information and Minister of Defense appear before the University Senate Committee on Uncolumbian Activities!In a daring covert operation members of the UAW/GSEU elite operations force—codenamed the “Leeches”—sank their teeth into the leadership of the Fayerweather Liberation Army, and drained the life-blood of the militarized wing of the FLA. The Ministers of Information and Defense were seized after serious scuffle with the “Leeches” at the What Bar? A high- ranking official in the UAW/GSEU calls the capture “justified. These two individuals represented a serious threat to the legitimate unionization effort here on campus. Can you imagine satirizing something as serious as what is happening here on campus? Making fun of our efforts to provide the clerical staff, uh, I mean graduate students with bargaining power over is a serious offense, which we, uh, graduate students take seriously.” When pressed for his identity and affiliation with the University, this UAW/GSEU official mumbled something inaudible, and scurried away. The two ministers, now known to be graduate students in the history department here at Columbia, appeared defiant as they were led, handcuffed, into the Low Library Rotunda where the University Senate Committee on Uncolumbian Activities was to conduct a inquest into the “FLA problem.” The UAW/GSEU pseudo-leadership have formerly accused both Ministers of seditious activities, including, but not limited to, “conspiring to inspire graduate students to think about the utility of the UAW representing graduate students on campus, publication of incendiary materials designed solely for the purpose of ridiculing the legitimate problems on Columbia’s Morningside Campus, meddling, trafficking in anti-union paraphernalia, failure to include dependents in the health care plan, and using university facilities and equipment without being a recognized group on campus.” The UAW/GSEU had packed the rotunda gallery with plumbers, janitors, office staff, and undergraduates to influence the outcome of the inquest—we only counted five graduate students in attendance. We have eliminated their catcalls, whistles, cheers, and other non-pertinent outbursts from the following transcript. History Department Chair: My understanding is that you two gentlemen are responsible for several very serious incidents here on campus. Minister of Information: What do you mean by responsible? HDC: On your website you claim responsibility for the abuse of library condiments, panty raids at Barnard college, and various other clearly seditious activities. Furthermore, I am convinced that you are seriously undermining legitimate attempts to unionize here on campus. (The Minister of Defense grumbles something inaudible, and scowls at the UAW/GSEU pseudo-leadership) MOI: I would question your definition of “legitimate,” sir. Is it “legitimate” practice to trick, or harass potential “union members” into signing cards or petitions without fully explaining the implications of this act? Is it legitimate to prey upon unsuspecting Teaching Assistants in the classroom, either before or after they have completed their teaching assignments? What about these “recruiters” who aren’t even affiliated with our University—who aren’t grad students here—but who seem to be playing major roles in the organizing—“ HDC: “That’s enough! This inquest is not a soapbox for you to stand upon and, uh, elaborate your views—“ Minister of Defense: “--Let my associate finish, please. He’s making a valid point about “our” union. WE are theoretically the union, but WE have not been included in the decision making process. WE are only part of this process, will only be part of this process, from a financial standpoint. Since WE have no other outlet to express our unpopular opinion, WE have committed all of the acts of which we are accused.” MOI: “Mister Chairman, I believe in a graduate program where a critical opinion, even if it is unpopular, is freely expressed. I believe in a graduate program where the relationship between my advisor and me is shaped by my research and not by some pushy bitch from the UAW local office. I believe that my work here is training, that each year I teach, this experience makes me more marketable. I believe that we have problems here at Columbia. I want more money; I want increased library hours; I want a workspace of my own; I want my own 2 bedroom 1900 square foot luxury apartment and I want to pay $400 a month for it! I know that the Union has promised the sciences that it can give them the formula to turn lead into gold. It has promised the humanities office space and this amorphous voice “in their working conditions.” It has promised we historians everything from increased housing to summer fellowships. All we have done is to exaggerate these promises into a form so ludicrous that individuals reading our missives will stop and think about the reality of our situation.” HDC: “Mr. Minister of Information, I have had enough of your—“ MOD: “--And we have had enough of you. We have had enough of the UAW/GSEU’s Fantasyland promises. The bottom line, Mr. Chairman, is that no matter what you do to us; no matter how many inaccurate flyers the UAW/GSEU “organizers;” no matter how many times “graduate students” from UC Berkeley invade our graduate student community, infecting it with UAW misinformation from the west coast; our fist will be emblazoned somewhere on campus. The Minister of Information and I are easy targets—we’re visible. Out there, in the graduate student community, our supporters remain vigilant. We have penetrated each department on campus. Our ministers will quietly watch for the day when this contest will be decided. And then, Mr. Chairman, Distinguished Faculty, and Unruly Mob, our loyal Fayerweatherites will lay down their books and rise to resist the UAW hordes. Rise!--” A scuffle ensued at this point in the inquest, when the Minister of Defense launched himself at the UAW/GSEU pseudo leadership. Order was eventually restored, and both ministers were escorted to an undisclosed location. |
The Ballad of the FLASung to the Tune of "Fighting scholars stand high Angry grads who fight the lie Grads who mean just what they say The brave grads of the FLA A black fist upon a red crest These are grads—some of the best-- 100 students laughed that day But only three were FLA Trained to defend your stipend Trained in combat, hand to hand Grads who fight by night and day Learn the truth from the FLA A blue button upon their chest These are liars—some of the best-- 100 organizers came out that day But they did not fool the FLA Outside your class the UAW waits Their promises sound really great They claim that we are so oppressed, That the Dean ignores our requests Place a blue button upon your chest Sign the card, don’t think-- join the rest Fund the UAW! Get your voice! Sign away your freedom of choice! A black fist upon a red crest These are grads—some of the best-- 100 students laughed that day But only three were FLA Freethinking scholars stand high Don’t believe the UAW lie Vote No on Election Day Vote for Choice with the FLA (If you support our cause, print out our logo and wear it proudly!) Great News!!!FLA Liberates Lion's Court!!!Comrades! The armed radical militant wing of
the graduate student
slave-workers revolutionary movement has struck! In a daring mid- night raid into the heart of the Evil Empire's cozy little golf course, a boldly re-armed shock-troop of the Demilitarized Fayerweather Liberation Army assaulted the vile counter-revolutionary UAW defensive positions guarding the Columbia University Lion's Court, and routed them in an unprecedented victory. UAW members fought to the death, refusing our merciful offers of surrender. Our glorious revolutionary army killed all two of them. Reported FLA casualties were low, one member reporting a "sticky eyebrow" when he "shot himself in the face". (What's that about?!?) Minister 743, code-named the "One-Eyed Wonder Worm," gave a press briefing immediately after the raid, and was jubilant about the results. "Friends, Comrades, Sex-Kittens! This is only a sign of things to come! That ugly, wretched, revolting and oppressive tin can that has blighted and marred the Columbia Campus for too long has at long last been removed from our sight! We have removed that shack from our midst like picking a pock-marked pimple from our post- pubescent prosopons! Wang!" GSEU Compares Graduate
School to "Slavery",
Jimmy the Greek to Endorse UAW. The FLA's Minister of Propaganda was laughing
himself silly as he
ran this one to the bank. Sometimes we can't even make this stuff up! Last week, the Tyrants of the Evil Empire released a statement to the Graduate History and Steel-Mill Workers Association which contained the anti-FLA counter-revolutionary sentiments of many of their faceless minions, including the following statement from an un- known Harvard fugitive: "As a historian of slavery and abolition, I can't help but see the connection between the things I study and the reality of my experience as a Columbia graduate student." Indeed! We could not have said it better ourselves! The Minister of Propaganda told the press, "As I sit in Starbuck's sipping my iced tall mochalattachino, pondering the meaning of Kierkegaard's defecation upon the post-Nicene Fathers, I often sigh to myself and whisper in soft nostalgia about the good old days, when the blood ran freely from the open and naked stripes massa put on my back." Solidarity! |
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