This morning I had a dream that made me wake up rather upset, but as I laid back and thought about what it had been like, I realized that it was symbolic and was very applicable in my life at this point. It gave me a new overview and a pleasant insight into how men and women are supposed to relate to each other.

In the dream I was in an attic (furnished like any area of a house which one keeps using and not like a storage room that attics often are used for). I was about to collect my son and put him to bed when my husband pulled out a gun and aimed at him. I said "if you shoot him I'll kill you!", but I knew I wouldn't, and so did he. He shot the boy and hit him next to his heart. I tried to escape clutching my son in my arms. At one point I thought of putting my body between father and son, but then I thought of the fact that I couldn't protect him if I was dead. If I had had a broad back like a man my shoulder could have covered him, but I was too narrow.

Next, my son was left injured but not dying in the attic, and I was in the kitchen when my husband came down. This time he was holding a broad knife (the kind that resembles an axe) in his hand. I wasn't quite as afraid, and he let me have the knife. Then I started launching at him because I was afraid he would take it back, and use it against me. I thought about killing him, but then I realised that if I did, I would not only be lonely, but it would be a great tragedy. Something precious would be lost forever. Instead I started breaking some of the cups and glasses in the kitchen with the knife to remain in control, but I didn't do it because I wished to, only because I thought it was necessary.

After a short time, I wasn't afraid any longer. I gave the knife back. I knew he could kill me, yet believed that he wouldn't. He didn't. He said that if we destroyed each other, none of us would live eternally. He also gave me the reason why he had attacked our son - which had been a mystery to me. I had unknowingly interrupted his male reprimanding and disciplining. I knew our son would live and that things were ok. Then I woke up.

As I said, I was shocked by this dream - it was not even close to the way my husband is. But then I thought of some of the symbols, and saw that it was related to a recent experience I have had, and that it reveals what I was actually doing at that time.

I have a sister in Christ who has recently been divorced from a man that she was married to for many years. It was a result of her getting to know how he had mistreated her (at least emotionally) during their marriage, which she hadn't had a clue about. She knows my husband too and when we spoke on the 'phone once related to me many things that the her former and my husband have in common, and I started to doubt my husbands love for me.

I had a few days where I feared him and tested him, though I didn't want to. Then I decided that if he wasn't capable of loving me, I still knew that if he could have, he would. With that in mind I trusted that the Lord would fill in the gap, so that I wouldn't starve. This gave me peace.

The dream, illustrated this very clearly, and I think it also gave me a solid argument for keeping my trust in my husband (though it doesn't present him very beautifully at first sight). Parallel to the doubt I had for while, I was also faced with not being shown the respect I had expected from a teenage boy, and seeing how helpless I was in budging him without him giving me that respect scared me.

Now I will give my interpretation of the dream: The fact that we were in the attic, means that it was located in my mind. My son is the fruit of my relationship to my husband (babies are often symbols of relationships in dreams). In my mind I felt that he threatened that (by aiming his gun at him). I decided to counter it by threatening to kill my husband (wipe him out of my life), yet I knew that was insane. My relationship was damaged by my husband (our son was shot) - but remember that was how I perceived it in my own mind (the attic). I wished I could be a man and take care of the relationship (son) without getting killed but that was impossible as I am a woman (too narrow across my back).

Awake I have realised that none of the threat I felt was there at all. It was all in my mind and I acted on it in fear and desperation. Caused by the doubt I had let enter it.

The next part was in my heart (the kitchen). Here I wasn't quite as scared (my heart knows my husband better and fears him less). He was holding a butchers knife (an instrument that could kill me, the woman) and he was in control. Then he gave the knife to me. Now I was in control and could kill him, the man. I didn't want to, but I wanted to stay in control out of fear. As a result I hurt him a little and damaged some of the breakables in my heart (cups and glasses in the kitchen) to try to make sure I wouldn't get hurt (interesting to note that cups and glasses are vessels or containers - in this context probably of love for my husband) - In fact I was only hurting myself. Then I gave the weapon back to him (Yielded the control), and he told me that if we ruined each other (male and female) none would last eternally.

I remember that when I dreamt that, I thought it a bit unfair, as he had been the threat in the first place and I couldn't see that I was to blame. But afterwards I have realised that it was only my doubt that saw him as a threat - I acted on fiction, and actually it was only me who had been damaging both him and myself!

Our relationship (son) survived. And the reason I had perceived him as a threat was that I had entered forbidden ground (I had stepped into a man's world - the male way of reprimanding and disciplining). In fact I had acted as his husband!

I am aware that my husband can abuse his power over me, but I know that if I abuse and destroy him out from fear, the eternal aspect get's lost. I want my husband to keep his God given rôle, and I want to stay in mine. I cannot be a man - I will only destroy both if I do, because the only reason for me to wish to be male, is doubt and fear.

Here I'd like to add that this sisters husband had abused her, yet she has also related to me that she cannot see what good would come from her beginning to doubt, she has no option but to be just as trusting again if she is to be happy, content and fulfill her purpose.

When I love and are at peace, I can rest happily in the Lord, and the relationship will grow and flourish. I will try to clarify this principle a bit further in the second part.