WHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE THINK OF THE DIARIES:

  IAIN SINCLAIR

         Portrait of Iain Sinclair by Maggi Hambling

  I attended a meeting of the Accrington Literary Club in October of last year and gave a reading from a forthcoming novel called THE BLIND OCEAN. During the tea break, as I found out in the Diaries, Alistair Ffitz took a copy of my reading notes and shortly afterwards printed it in full in his Diary. Now I would be the first to confess that this is not an acceptable practice under any circumstances, however I have to state that he didn't print the exact transcript that I had prepared but spiced it up at suitable moments with an almost intuitive feeling for the spirit of my prose style. Since I was so impressed by his alterations I have declined to take any legal action against him, extracting my dues from the improvement he has made to the novel.              READ THE  TRANSCRIPT                                                                                 Duncan, who crops up in the Diaries quite a lot, hasn't left me alone since my visit, constantly bombarding me with his Poetry. I've explained to him repeatedly that I've absolutely no influence in getting him published, but it makes little difference to him.

 ALFRED MULREADY (MICHAEL CAINE'S AGENT)

 Yes, Michael DOES read the Ffitz Diaries!

 LORD MAYOR OF ACCRINGTON, WILLIAM BUTTIGOE

 He's single-handedly put Accrington on the map.

 JACK CAINE (MICHAEL CAINE'S BROTHER)

 Lovely, just Lovely.

 JOHN MAJOR

 He has a fine prose style. His wit is a little baffling but I put that down to problems in his childhood.

 CLORY PUSE

 I met him at a party I gave in Cleethorpes. He struck me as indistinguishable from all the other minnows of Literature. I only remember him because he dug up a beloved pet in the back garden. It was a mistake apparently. He was rooting around for mushrooms and got a little carried away.

 DR. JOHNSON (Courtesy of DOROTHY GIDDOES, Spiritualist)

 I believe he has read my LIVES OF THE POETS and several of my RAMBLERS. Of his work I cannot tell, it is of a different era, Godless and witless. My time is short and I have a meeting with Boswell at noon so I bid you farewell. Martha should continue seeing Rupert for at least another month. Something unexpected may occur in Milton Keynes on Michaelmas Eve.

 STEPHEN FRY

 Am I in the Diary? No? Tut-tut! I'm sure I've met him somewhere, someplace, somehow? Ah well.............

 LORD CLITHEROE

 Decent sort. Likes HAM. Horrible stuff!

 TANYA OXELES

 I only cut his hair luv, don't ask me!

 PROFESSOR RAMASES FITZGERALD (Tutor at Oxford)

 Thought he would do something significant. I was QUITE WRONG! QUITE WRONG! Great waste of a good education. I don't hold grudges though.

 DR. HARDY HANS (Liggylip Specialist)

 He has a medical condition that is responding to treatment. If it doesn't clear up entirely, well, one has tried one's best. Think his DIET exacerbates the problem - too many Restaurant dishes with damn silly names.

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