Stringtown on the Pike

A Novel by John Uri Lloyd

Chapter Eight

THE STORY OF THE COLONEL

New Year's Eve, 1863, had been set apart by the Village Circle as a special holiday, the intention of the members being 'to see the old year out' and listen to the reading of a special paper by the pastor, Mr. Jones, which was to be replied to by Colonel Luridson. The 'Corn Bug' had 'taken sick,' as the doctor expressed it, the morning after the meeting mentioned in the preceding chapter, and his illness proved to be serious. Too obstinate to care for himself, the eccentric fellow neglected medical aid, and acute pneumonia, a common fatality in many parts of Kentucky, had followed, quickly succeeding an ordinary cold.

Thursday, December 31, 1863, dawned warm and sultry. The thermometer registered seventy that morning, and about noon a heavy mist settled over hill and valley. This was followed in the afternoon by a drizzling rain that sifted down in fine particles, which sopped the grass and stuck together the pendent dead leaves always clinging, during soft weather in mid-winter, to the lower beech limbs.

In the evening the members of the Stringtown Circle met according to expectation, but owing to the storm many of them were detained and straggled to their places. The 'Corn Bug' alone was finally absent: as has been said, he lay dangerously ill in his humble cabin. The grocer's boy sat, as usual, behind the counter, ready to take notes in shorthand on a quire of white paper such as is used for wrapping tea, and I sat on a stool beneath the handing lamp, just back of the favored members of the Circle. Silence fell upon the persons who first presented themselves: a shadow seemed to (xxx sic) over the Circle.

The reserve was finally broken by Chinney Bill Smith, a bearded man, who vowed when Fort Sumter was bombarded, never to cut his hair or whiskers until the South was free. This man regaled the Circle by relating the story of 'the mother of Sam Hill's wife's sister,' the story teller being typical of more than one person well known and popular in the commonwealth of Kentucky.1

From the humorous sketch of Chinney Bill Smith it was apparently a long step to the dissertation which followed, an essay on storms, delivered by Prof. Drake. Yet it was characteristic of the Circle that it could pass with relish from one extreme to the other.

At the conclusion of Professor Drake's essay, the evening being not very far advanced, Judge Elford addressed Mr. Jones.

'Pastor, it is your turn now. Let us have your promised essay on Death, to be answered by Colonel Luridson.' The pastor arose, threw his long hair back from his forehead and mildly remarked: 'Before beginning to read I will say that the title does not always clearly define the contents of a book; and while my paper deals with the subject of death, its caption is 'The Life Line (xxx sic).'' Then in a slow, deliberate tone, quite in contrast to that of bald, spectacled Prof. Drake, the essayist read on uninterrupted and without pause until he reached the closing sentence:--

'Let us think, then, of the end point of this drama. Since none can foresee just when the tread on the lifeline will falter, let us accept that it matters little whether in the morning or the evening it be that we take the awful plunge. To-day, never to-morrow, loosens our hold of earthly problems.'

Then raising his eyes from the paper, he glanced first at Judge Elford, who, immovable, made no response, then at Prof. Drake, who, leaning his head on his hands, gazed intently on the floor. Then his questioning look passed without response successively around the circle, from one to the other, and finally rested again on the face of the colonel, whose part it was to answer the essay. Standing alone, gazing intently at the upright colonel, the parson folded his arms across his chest and deliberately said, looking directly into Luridson's eyes: 'Do you know, my friend, you who are to reply to this essay, do you know when you or I will loosen our hold on the life-line' Are you prepared for the end of the game of life''

What play of thought sped from man to man as the eyes of these two met cannot be told in words, but could be felt by those who caught the meeting of those eyes. 'T is not when steel meets steel, nor when flint meets flint that the fire flies, but when steel meets flint. Perhaps none present realized that such opposites were face to face.

For a second neither moved. The parson held the unfinished essay in his hand, while the colonel stoically chewed his quid of tobacco, apparently indifferent to surroundings. Suddenly the latter, looking the tranquil parson in the eye replied as if impelled by a mental question exacted from him by his opponent:

'You can put your paper away, Mr. Jones,' he said. I have heard enough and am ready to say my speech. Pahson, no preacher ever told the truth bettah than you have told it. I look fierce, they tell me, Mr. Jones, but I am very tendah hearted. I would n't cause a shivah of pain to man, woman, or child, and I would n't hahm even a snail. You use words too big for me; I can't answer you aftah the same style, but, as old General 'yadon, of Virginia, used to say: 'It don't mattah much about the grammah so we get the sense.' I reckon, Mr. Jones, that I kin tell a story about as well as you kin, but I can't talk in a general way as you do about unseen things. I must relate something about what my eyes have looked at; I can't sling in high'ned words either: but if any man undertakes to beat me in stating plain facts 'bout what he knows, you kin bet, suh, he has got to speak straight. Folks can undahstand Richard Luridson without a dictionary.

'I agree with you, Reverend, when you say that no fellah knows just when he is going to hand in his tickets, and to all of us the thought of death is damnably unpleasant. My heart is tendah, I'll swear to it gentlemen; I ain't to blame if my beard is stiff. The heart ' a hand-shelled turtle is as soft to the touch as that of ' mouse, suh. Once when I shot a wild pigeon, an innocent little bird, and picked the creature up, it turned ' little head towards me and looked me in the eye. What cause had I to take that small life' a life sacrificed for a mouthful of black meat' Pahson, you may believe me or not, but that was a cruelty my tendah heart throbs over yet. But I ain't a coward, Mr. Jones; 'ere is a distinction between brutality and bravery, and when it comes to a fight I am always on hand. I have seen pious-like men of the church, more cruel than I am. I have known deacons who kneel in the 'Amen' corner, hunt all day Saturday with a gun, seeking a covey of harmless quail, and shoot them down like flies, --take the lives of these helpless creatures that nevah insulted any man; and the next Sabbath these same pious fellahs sit in church trying to look like angels while the preacher reads out of the Good Book, 'Thou shalt not kill!' I am a consistent man, Judge,' continued the colonel, 'I don't pertend to be religious, but I do claim that I am consistent: and while my heart is very tendah, as I have admitted, yet no man dare insult me.'

'While you were reading your sober rigmarole, Pahson, I wah thinking off and on of a case in which I wah consarned in ole Virginia, and jest when you stopped and looked up I had reached the p'int where I seized the gullet of the critter; and as you lowered the papah and looked me in the eye, it seemed as though that same young fellow's face rose up befoah me. But pshaw! What's the use of thinking about things that hev passed away' That fellow brought his punishment on his own head.'

The colonel lapsed into silence and stared at the stove.

'Tell us about it, or let Mr. Jones finish his essay,' requested the clerk. 'Go on with your story,: urged a chorus of voices. 'I relinquish the field and beg you to oblige us,' added the parson, in a slightly ironical tone.

'Wall, since that day I hev n't talked about the episode, fer, as I hev already told you, there ain't no use in worrying over the troubles of another fellah, especially if the other fellah is dead, and it don't do no good, either, to think about the mistakes that other people hev made, and that there fellah made the mistake of his life then and there. The blunders of dead people should be forgotten.'

Again the speaker paused. The eyes of the judge and the teacher were fastened inquiringly upon the parson, who now seemed out of place, yet preternaturally calm. 'Continue your narrative, Colonel Luridson,' he said coldly; 'you have said that you are not a coward.'

'I hev kindah gloomy feelings to-night and can't tell a story quite as well as I should,' resumed Luridson, casting a black look at the parson. 'Once, ovah in ole Virginia, I wah walking along a meadow path smoking a cigar, thinking of nothin', as most people so when they are smoking, when suddenly I stopped just as I was about to step on a great black snake stretched in the walk. I raised my heel and stamped the head of that sarepent in to the earth. I am sech a soft-hearted fool, that I can't look back at the display of brutality without shuddering. Not fer the snake; no, I hev killed hundreds of sech varmints, bur fer a little baby snake that I then saw stretched beside the mothah'a little innocent snake not longah than a pencil. That night there was a rain-storm, and I lay awake an hour thinking of the poor critter perishing. I am a very tendah-hearted man and am not to blame if my cheek is rough.'

Evidently the vain braggart was loth to describe the event of 'honour' that he had unwittingly introduced.

'The story, please,' quietly insisted the parson.

'Wall, it is not much of a story, aftah all, and I kin give it in a few words. I s'pose you admit, Pahson, that back in ole Virginia there is more honah among gentlemen than there is in other places, and begging pahdon of the persons present, more gentlemen to the acre. It don't require book learning in ole Virginia to make a gentleman, neithah does book learning make a gentleman anywhere, 'though, as a rule, it does no harm; but, as you know, ole Virginia turns out gentlemen of both kinds, gentleman bohn and gentlemen learned. I b'long to the first class of gents, which, begging pahdon of some of the persons present, I considah the highah class.'

'The under class,' remarked the parson drily, 'know something about your type of gentlemen. But we are all impatient to hear your 'episode,' as you call it. We know you are a gentleman, but are waiting for the story.'

'Wall, suh, a gentleman of old Virginia, of the first class can't be insulted. If a fellah attempts to insult him, either the fellah dies or the gentleman dies. In either case no dirt sticks to the gentleman, fer his boots air on. You see, pahson, there is another phase of the mattah when it comes to the question of honah, a phase that common people, low-bohn people, cannot raise themselves into. The highah strung the gentleman, the easiah it is to affect his honah, and to a high-strung man the smallah the reflection the greatah is the insult. Only persons of the highah order can comprehend this fact. Now, up North,' and Luridson turned directly upon Mr. Jones, 'where the finah qualities do no appeah, where a gentleman is nevah bohn a gentleman, insults air taken that in ole Virginia would be remembered to the third generation. Colonel Clough of my county killed the grandson of the man who insulted his grandfathah. Not that the colonel's grandfather did not kill his man (fer he did), not that the colonel's father did not kill the man's son (fer he did), not that the son of the man the colonel's father killed had done anything personally to injure the colonel (fer he had not), but because ' very killing of that family done by his descendants 'ised the honah of the old colonel. There hev been twelve men shot with their boots on by the descendants of Colonel Clough, and I saw four of 'em bite the dust. You bet that family proposes to keep untarnished the honah of the great colonel.'

Once more the equivocating speaker faltered, and once more Mr. Jones, as though determined to compel the delivery of the promised narrative, said in a low, insistent voice:

'Your own story, colonel, your own story.'

'Wall, it ain't a long story, and it ain't the only episode of the kind I hev experienced. I can't see why ' think of this one jest now, either, fer I hev been engaged in others more exciting, but you seem to drive me 'o it. There wah, fer example, jest aftah I became of age, a disturbing character in our parts who went around insulting persons generally by asking questions about their affairs, but he knew well enough who not to insult. He nevah but once touched one of the bohn gentlemen of our county, and nevah again did his tongue wag about any one. This is how it wah: one day he met one of our niggahs, and in an impudent sort of way asked a question concerning our family. Now, Pahson, our family affairs air not the public's property, and when that niggah told me of the impudence of the inquisitive person, it meant pistols, and it wah pistols. It wah n't my fault that he would n't shoot, and stood like a mummy with his pistol in his hand looking at me when ole Tim Warman counted three; and I guess as he felt the sting of the bullet that let out his heart's blood, that he wished he had n't asked the niggah of a bohn gentleman whether his young mastah had reached home safely the night he drank too much licker and raised hell in the village. It ain't safe to question niggahs about their mastah's affairs.'

The Virginian here turned his eyes away from the parson, who no stood as if he were an antagonist, determined not to let him escape.

'Why do you evade your duty'' he asked lowering his voice. 'Are you a coward, Mr. Luridson' Your last episode, not your first.'

Fire flashed from the colonel's eye; he cast a quick glance at the parson, who with folded arms stood facing him, and then, as if respecting the cloth of the man of God, or subdued by that placid gaze, he turned his eyes toward the ceiling.

The last affair to this date you mean, Pahson, not necessarily the last one. No man knows when he may strike a quarrel, any more than he knows jest when he may slip off the tight-rope your were preaching of,' he replied, leering in a sinister way at the parson. 'You want my episode, and you seem to want it bad. Now you shall hev it, and I call these gentlemen to witness that you forced me to relate it. I'm not ashamed of my record, nor afraid to make a clean breast of it, but I hev done all a gentleman can do to save trouble, and if trouble comes it ain't my fault.

'This is the way it happened:

'I hain't much schooling, but I hev enough to ansah all the use a bohn gentleman has fer book learning. I went to school until I could read the newspapah and write a fair letter, and then I found it useless to spend more time with books. I did n't intend to write a novel or edit a dictionary, and I didn't propose to fool away my time on matters that were of no particular value to a gentleman of leisure, so I dropped school and turned my attention to foxes and dogs.

'Wall, that ole schoolhouse stood until this war of secession came, honorable as a schoolhouse should stand; but aftah our forces retired and the Yankee lines were advanced beyond us, the house was disgraced by this damn Freedman's Bureau.1 You would n't believe it if a gentleman like myself did n't certify to the fact, but a Yankee wah sent to our section and a niggah school wah started in the very house where I had carved my name on the bench. Gentlemen, a niggah school.'

'Well,' said Mr. Jones, 'tell us about the 'niggah' school.'

'Thee ain't much to tell, fer it did n't last long. A meeting of neighborhood gentlemen followed, and I wah delegated to direct that Yankee to close the doors and leave the country.'

'Well''

'I laid the case befoah the young man who taught the school, and one word led to anothah until, finding that he wah determined to persist in his offensive course, I told him that he must either close that school or fight.'

'And he fought you''

'No. The long-haired varmint had n't spunk enough to fight; he turned his back, said insolently: ' 'Scuse me, please, but I hev this duty to perform,' and shut the doah in my face. '

'And you ''

'Kicked the doah down, seized the stripling by the throat and squeezed his life out. I did n't intend to kill the boy, fer he wahn't moh'n half grown; but aftah I got my clutches on his throat and thought of the insult he had given me and saw a niggah's face behind my ole disk, I grew desperate, and when I threw him onto the floor his face was as black as the skin of the niggahs around him.'

'And then..'

'Nothin'. I wiped my hands on my kerchief, called my dogs and left the fool niggahs and their cowardly teachah. I had done my duty. I had given the Yankee and the niggahs a lesson, and I don't hev no squeams now over the episode. If he had been a bohn gentleman I would hev shot him in his tracks; but as it wah, I choked him as I would a varmint. Nothin' but a coward is ever choked to death. Perish me, if any damn, long-haired Yankee shall insult Colonel Luridson.'

'What was the man's name''

'Jones, suh, Jones. Same name as youhself, Pahson, a very common name,' he said with a sneer, 'and a very ordinary man, suh.' Mr. Jones stood for a moment as if unconcerned: no change of facial expression, no movement bespeaking unusual interest in the subject so abruptly ended. Then he spoke in a soft, low tone, so sweet and mild that it is strange his voice could be heard through the roaring of the storm that now suddenly flared up ' as if the closing of the story had been the signal for its tumultuous onslaught. 'See,' he said, 'the clock points to twelve. The New Year is upon us;' and as we turned our gaze upon the face of the clock, one by one the husky gong struck, each note of the asthmatic cry quivering hoarsely until the next peal came. At the last stroke the parson dropped upon his knees. 'Let us pray,' he murmured. The building trembled in the tempest, the hanging sign squeaked and cried as it flapped back and forth, the wind moaned and sung through the stove pipe, the shutters banged to and fro, but all were unheard by those who unexpectedly were called to listen to the sweet, solemn prayer of the man of God.

He prayed for his suffering country, now in the throes of civil war; for the people of the colonel in Virginia; and his brave countrymen in the Southern army; he asked blessings on the community in which he, a man of the North, then chanced to dwell; also on his own people at home, and prayed for his own brethren in the trenches. Before closing he asked God to forgive the last speaker, who, a self-confessed murderer, stood unrepentant; and finally he murmured a prayer for the soul of the unsuspecting boy-teacher who, in cold blood, had lost his life by the hand of the murderous colonel.

Then, without rising, Mr. Jones took his note-book and pencil from his pocket, and, resting his hand on the soft cushion of his vacant chair, carefully wrote a few sentences in it. Rising, he tore out the leaf and handed it to the village clerk, who was also secretary of the church. 'Read,' he said solemnly, 'read aloud, and then present it to the trustees.'

'To the Officers of the Stringtown Methodist Episcopal Church.

'This, my resignation, is to take effect at once. No longer a teacher of the Word, no longer a mediator for others, I must ask others to pray for me, a sinning suppliant.
'OSMOND JONES'

Then, standing erect, he faced Colonel Luridson, who, undaunted, returned his look with a defiant scowl.

'Pahson,' said Luridson, 'Pahson Jones, were it not fer youah cloth I would make you eat the insult you hev jest given me ' me, a Virginia gentleman. At youah request, I told this story to please this company. You hev called me a murderah, suh ' me, a gentleman of honah, suh. I will not stand the insult, pahson or no pahson ' prayer or no prayer. You took advantage of youah cloth, and you shall eat youah words, or by the bones of my grandfather you will sing youah next song and breathe youah next insulting prayer in ''

'Check your wrath,' interrupted the parson, without the least excitement. 'Listen to me. You have told your story; now I shall tell mine. If you are a brave man you will not flinch. I have heard your words, and you are bound to listen to what I am bound to relate, and which, notwithstanding the task you have imposed upon me, I shall tell as deliberately as you have spoken.'


Typed by Sharon Franklin, M. L. S., Boone County Public Library; Manager, Walton Branch

1.This story was a monstrous exaggeration, quite humorous and yet threaded with satire and irony. Although a welcome diversion in its place the author believes it better to exclude it from this book.

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