Warning: This started out to be a PWP mushy story and ended up a reflective Janeway piece (it is still a PWP). It deals with a canonical Janeway. (This sounds like a disease.) While I was writing this, I found myself wondering why the crew of Voyager have become unfriendly, and why Janeway has taken to talking only to Seven, and why she no longer asks for input from her crew...
Disclaimer: Paramount abuses, I mean owns the characters...but have no clue who they are.
Kathryn Janeway shifted again in a vain attempt to get comfortable. Finally she gave up. Sitting on the ground, in front of a campfire, under the open sky, was not her style. Their hosts were very generous and seemed not to care that members of her crew and other Xhank were wandering around and chatting. She smiled slightly as she looked around. Chakotay seemed fascinated with the Xhank storyteller. This didn't surprise her at all; Chakotay always seemed to find the cultural aspects of first contact missions fascinating.
She stood silently, hoping no one would be insulted at her departure. But the mud baths she'd been invited to use earlier sounded warm and relaxing. And totally self-indulgent.
She smiled as she navigated the dark path. It had been a very long time since she'd done something for herself and herself alone. She always felt guilty for taking even a few hours for herself. That was why she hadn't visited Da Vinci's studio in the past few months. And if she could be honest with herself, that guilt was why she hadn't acted on her feelings for Chakotay.
She stood by the edge of the mud bath and looked around the rocky surroundings. As promised, there was no one about. She quickly undressed. She carefully folded her clothes and placed them under the dark robe that had been left there for her use. With a contented sigh, she slipped into the dark warm ooze.
#
Kathryn opened her eyes and glanced around warily. The light from the two soon-to-be-eclipsing moons cast a purplish hue over the surrounding rocks, and over the sleek creature that sat on the tallest one.
She studied the creature as intently as it was studying her; noting its feline features and spotted coat. She shifted under the mud, wishing her clothes, and more importantly her phaser, were with in reach. The creature blinked and there was the faintest upturning of its lips.
Then it was gone.
Kathryn stared at the empty rock for several seconds then swam through the thick warm mud to where she'd placed her clothes.
The mud slid slowly off as she clambered out of the pool. She had noticed the waterfall behind her earlier. It was heated by the same thermal activity as the mud. She stepped under it.
It felt absolutely decadent. Real water showers and baths were another luxury on Voyager that she had denied herself. The warm water and moonlight made the whole experience special--and try as she might, she couldn't feel guilty about it.
Perhaps it was Neelix's fault. He had told her that morning about his two days with the Xhank. "Captain," he'd said, "they know how to enjoy life." He'd then smiled at her as only Neelix could. "Perhaps you could learn something from them." Tuvok had said something similar at the beginning of their stay.
She ran her fingers through her hair. Maybe--just maybe--she had forgotten how to live. But as Captain, she had asked her crew to make incredible sacrifices--and she had to set the example.
She frowned. Had giving up all pretense of a life made her a better captain?
She now didn't know. Neelix had reported that morale had actually fallen during the past six or seven months. Her own health was suffering--if the Doctor's concerns were real. Her senior staff seemed more withdrawn. They no longer offered suggestions; and at times seemed downright sullen--even Harry. Sometimes it seemed the only person who would talk to her was Seven.
This thought changed the direction of her contemplations as she went over the past week then past month. "Hell," she whispered. She had talked to Seven more than the rest of the crew combined--and that included Chakotay.
"When did this start?" She asked the eclipsing moons. It wasn't the crew or senior staff--it was her. If this was true, it might explain what was happening on Voyager.
Seven was the only one on Voyager who had benefited from the ship's presence in the Delta-Quadrant. Kathryn didn't feel guilty when she talked with Seven.
Her thoughts touched dangerous ground. Was the crew beginning to doubt her abilities to lead them?
She didn't know, but as the water washed the mud off her, it seemed to clear her vision as well. She suspected this dreadful idea might be true. It would explain the moodiness of the ship and the constant sniping. All the sacrifices she had made had had the opposite effect than what she'd wanted.
They doubted her. It might even be tearing the crew apart.
She glanced upward. Somewhere up there was her ship. Her attention was captured by the two moons. The eclipse of the second and smaller moon was almost complete--the purple light bathing the planet was dimmer.
A noise from the pool attracted her attention away from the moons. She quickly slipped the robe on and picked up her phaser. Silently she made her way toward the intruder, phaser set on stun. She watched as the shadow slipped under the mud. It wasn't the cat-like creature--the shape had been humanoid. She put the phaser away; whoever it was didn't seem very dangerous.
She waited until the back of the head reappeared. "You are trespassing in my mud."
The answering laugh was both familiar and comforting yet disconcerting. "I didn't know you were here--should I leave?" Chakotay turned to face her.
She pulled the robe tighter. "I was finished. Do enjoy yourself, Commander."
"Kathryn?" His voice was quiet. She stopped by the rock tunnel that lead away from the mud bath.
"I can't," she replied.
"Why?"
She stood there, no longer sure why she insisted on maintaining the charade, no longer sure why it seemed important. Or if it even was.
"Dantra told a story..." Dantra had been the storyteller she'd walked out on. His voice was low.
"Another ancient legend?"
He chuckled. "Yes, but not of my people." She could hear him shift under the mud. "It's a story about the two moons. And why tonight is such a special time." She waited for him to continue. "The eclipse of the moons occurs approximately every twenty-five years. It is a joyous occasion--a celebration of life...and love." She wasn't sure if she'd heard the last two words, but opted not to interrupt him.
He continued speaking. "Many years ago, when the winds were fresh and the air was new, the Xhank were divided. Peace was difficult, and war was easy. Many times they fought.
"After one of many fierce battles, a young woman of the Ranta Clans found an unconscious man and decided to save his life, even though his clothing told that he was of Janlar Clans. She risked her life to save his...and they fell in love." He paused again. Kathryn remained silent, not sure of what answer to give or even what to say. Eventually Chakotay started speaking again.
"They fell in love and were secretly married. They moved to a distant valley to live by themselves, but refugees from the constant warfare found their way to the lonely hamlet. People from all sides worked and lived together, putting aside their differences. Together they found peace.
"Eventually the armies came to the hamlet to destroy it and the inhabitants, especially the young couple. The survivors pleaded with their god, Xhankar, to save them and to stop the endless fighting.
"That night two moons appeared in the sky where none had been seen before. Xhankar spoke to his people and told them that moons represented peace and love. He could no longer watch his people destroy themselves."
"That's a typical story..." Kathryn started to say, but Chakotay continued, almost as if he hadn't heard her.
"It took time, but the Xhank did learn to live together; to put aside their differences and to find reasons to live together peacefully. When the moons are together, like tonight, it is believed that those two lovers from the past are once again together. It is a night to declare and renew vows of peace and love..."
She couldn't. That love was one of the many sacrifices she'd made in atonement to stranding almost one-hundred-and-fifty people out here in the middle of no where.
Except she hadn't...the Caretaker had with the Kazons' help...
"Do you truly want to spend the rest of your life alone?" Chakotay asked. She could hear the sadness in his voice.
"I..." She stopped and turned to face him. "No. But I don't..."
She felt rather than saw the warm smile on his face. "Don't what? Know how? Know where to begin?" He laughed. "That's easy. First, you walk over here and join me..."
"In the mud?" She slipped off the robe and slid into the mud, sitting about a meter from him. They sat there in silence. Kathryn wondering just why she had stayed. Her thoughts trailed off as she closed her eyes and wondered what now.
"Why?" Chakotay asked after a long silence. She jumped slightly at the sound of his voice.
"Why? Why what?" She asked softly.
She heard him take a deep breath. "Why now?"
She knew exactly what he was talking about, she just wasn't sure she was ready to discuss why.* "I..." She scooped some mud in her right hand and watched it dribble back. Chakotay waited; they both knew eventually she would talk. "I discovered I'd lost my way...I'm not sure how or when, but I need help finding my way back."
"Lost?" He chuckled, then his voice grew serious. "You let your guilt and doubts take control. You forgot to live."
"It's not that easy. One hundred-and-forty-seven people depend on me--they are here because..."
"Kathryn, we've had this discussion before. Of all the things you can rightly claim responsibility for, the Caretaker's actions are not one of them. And who takes care of you? Who do you depend on?"
"I don't have that luxury." She wondered why she was still fighting; why she even needed to.
"Silk sheets, silver spoons, a maid are luxuries. A friend--" He hesitated for a minute and she almost smiled at what she thought he hadn't said. "--Is a basic necessity."
"Just a friend?" She was startled at her own boldness.
He coughed. "That depends." During the long silence that followed, she listened to the steady sound of his breathing, wondering just what he was thinking.
"And what do you think I should do?" She smiled at the sound of his startled gasp.
"Do? Start talking to your crew again--not just Seven. Maybe even attend one of Neelix's events and enjoy yourself."
"And?"
"And? Umm...Listen to your senior staff, they would appreciate it..."
"And?" This time as she spoke, she moved closer until she was only a foot from him.
"Kathryn...Don't..."
She smiled at him, enjoying the look of confusion on his face. "Don't what?"
He was breathing erratically now. "Don't do anything you'll regret in the morning."
"Regrets in the morning--I've had those for far too long." She reached up and touched his cheek.
"You don't know how long I've waited." He took her hand and stood, pulling her with him. She laughed as he picked her up and carried her to the waterfall. "You are far too dirty to kiss..."
"So are you."
For the second time that evening she found herself under the water, this time somebody else was wiping the mud off her body. Her hands wandered over him, using the dirt as an excuse to touch him. "I'm clean now," she whispered, completely intoxicated by his closeness.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I think you are clean enough now too," he whispered just before kissing her. She closed her eyes and let herself revel in the intense feelings that coursed through her, that caused her legs to weaken.
She pulled back slightly and glanced upward. The eclipse was now total. "A night to declare love?" She smiled at him. "But not here..." She reached up and traced his lips with her fingers. "And we need to thank the mayor and Dantra for everything." The Xhank had been responsible for a lot more than they would ever know.
#
Dantra grinned at her as she thanked the Xhank mayor for allowing the crew shoreleave and for the supplies. Kathryn turned several times during the speeches of farewell to study the short story teller. Dantra had this knowing smile on his face--almost as if he knew exactly what had happened.
Dantra's smile grew bigger every time she looked his direction--he reminded her of this cat in a story her mother had read to her as a child. She wondered if he would disappear and leave only a smile.
Dantra limped over and bowed. "Captain Janeway, I hope you enjoyed the mud."
"Yes, it was very relaxing."
"Good, good." He pointed toward the moons. The smaller moon was just beginning to reappear. "You picked an auspicious night to find your way to our humble home. May your journey be more than you find." He clasped his hands together and bowed. "I hope Commander Chakotay tells you the story I was telling. He looked like it meant something to him..."
She glanced at her First Officer and grinned. "I wouldn't be at all surprised." She bowed. "A cat...Well, there was a spotted creature there. What was it?"
Dantra bowed again. "The spirit of Xhankar watches over those who have been chosen."
"Chosen?" She asked, but Dantra was limping away, faster than she could imagine.
Chakotay touched his commbadge and ordered their transport back to the ship.
#
Kathryn continued to stare at the ceiling of her quarters long after Chakotay had fallen asleep, pondering just how he'd ended up in her quarters and in her bed. The events of the night brought a smile to her lips; and for the first time in she didn't know how long, she felt alive and that they would be successful.
"You should be asleep." His voice was warm, but still managed to convey his concern.
"I was just thinking..." She laughed. "I think this might be one of the best shoreleaves in the Delta Quadrant in a long time."
"I agree. Definitely." He yawned. "Now, sleep..." He pulled her closer to his side and she snuggled against him.
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