Foolz Gold. As one critic wrote, "Holy shit, these guys are good -- if
only they would take my hot daughter on the road!" Never in the entire
history of mankind has one band so thoroughly dominated the hearts and
souls of the collective Weltanschauung. Taking their inspiration in equal
parts from religious iconography, reproductive biology, and the fine art
of defecation, Foolz Gold has achieved nothing less than a mind-bending
reinvention of kickass, goodtime rock'n'roll.
The band's true origins are lost in the mists of time, but legend has it
that twin guitar founders Jack Mama and CJ Michaels suckled at the teats
of Rorgrath, the mythical Viking she-wolf, in northern Scandinavia.
Found prowling around naked by a wandering minstrel shepherd and relocated
to Prague, Czechoslovakia for an only-partially-successful indoctrination
into cultured society, they were soon shipped off to San Francisco for
both delousing and a 12-step program designed to cure them of their
propensity for fine textiles. En route, the boat docked in Munich,
Germany, where an underground lederhosen distributor, "drunk as hell but
ain't no throwin' up", loaded his cows on deck to refuel the milk-powered
engines, but was unable to get them off (no pun intended) in time for
departure. Figuring that he was "screwed anyway", Armageddon decided to
work for his passage to San Francisco as a solo Viennese bass player, and
entertained the crew with ribald stories of highland Alpine seamstresses
cadged from "The Sound of Music".
On arrival in San Francisco, the 3 realized that their best hopes for the
future lay in the profound art of "drunken party rock'n'roll music", to
quote Julie Andrews, and they quickly settled behind a big mound of dirt
and used condoms near the soccer fields in Golden Gate Park. It was here
that they first met Francis, a social worker & drummer who specialized in
helping out-of-work, formerly-she-wolf-suckled Czechoslovakian guitarists.
Unfortunately, because of their Scandinavian origins, Jack & CJ did not
qualify for his attentions, and it was only after "gobs of heroin", along
with liberal helpings of Armageddon's rendition of "The Hills are alive
with Francis", that he agreed to pound the skins for the band that
would later become Foolz Gold.
In the years since, their meteoric ascent to the highest pinnacles of
rock'n'roll superstardom has been overshadowed only by their commitment to
bringing about world peace and a better future for all mankind. As the
band has made plain in statements through their lawyers and publicists,
"We will never forget that we owe it all to our fans." I'm sure I speak
for all of us when I say, "God bless you, Foolz Gold."
-Jesse James DeMaio
