Foolz Gold. As one critic wrote, "Holy shit, these guys are good -- if only they would take my hot daughter on the road!" Never in the entire history of mankind has one band so thoroughly dominated the hearts and souls of the collective Weltanschauung. Taking their inspiration in equal parts from religious iconography, reproductive biology, and the fine art of defecation, Foolz Gold has achieved nothing less than a mind-bending reinvention of kickass, goodtime rock'n'roll.

The band's true origins are lost in the mists of time, but legend has it that twin guitar founders Jack Mama and CJ Michaels suckled at the teats of Rorgrath, the mythical Viking she-wolf, in northern Scandinavia. Found prowling around naked by a wandering minstrel shepherd and relocated to Prague, Czechoslovakia for an only-partially-successful indoctrination into cultured society, they were soon shipped off to San Francisco for both delousing and a 12-step program designed to cure them of their propensity for fine textiles. En route, the boat docked in Munich, Germany, where an underground lederhosen distributor, "drunk as hell but ain't no throwin' up", loaded his cows on deck to refuel the milk-powered engines, but was unable to get them off (no pun intended) in time for departure. Figuring that he was "screwed anyway", Armageddon decided to work for his passage to San Francisco as a solo Viennese bass player, and entertained the crew with ribald stories of highland Alpine seamstresses cadged from "The Sound of Music".

On arrival in San Francisco, the 3 realized that their best hopes for the future lay in the profound art of "drunken party rock'n'roll music", to quote Julie Andrews, and they quickly settled behind a big mound of dirt and used condoms near the soccer fields in Golden Gate Park. It was here that they first met Francis, a social worker & drummer who specialized in helping out-of-work, formerly-she-wolf-suckled Czechoslovakian guitarists. Unfortunately, because of their Scandinavian origins, Jack & CJ did not qualify for his attentions, and it was only after "gobs of heroin", along with liberal helpings of Armageddon's rendition of "The Hills are alive with Francis", that he agreed to pound the skins for the band that would later become Foolz Gold.

In the years since, their meteoric ascent to the highest pinnacles of rock'n'roll superstardom has been overshadowed only by their commitment to bringing about world peace and a better future for all mankind. As the band has made plain in statements through their lawyers and publicists, "We will never forget that we owe it all to our fans." I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, "God bless you, Foolz Gold."

-Jesse James DeMaio