Willett FJ

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Exit Lines

Or the Defenestration of Jeremiah Jones

by F J Willett

Was first broadcast on ABC radio in 1976 as part of the series "13 Black"

CAST:

George Shepley
Sigmund Smith
Jeremiah Jones

THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN SHEPLEY'S OFFICE. STREET TRAFFIC CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY, SWELLING WHEN THE WINDOW IS OPENED. THE DESK AND CHAIRS ARE CLOSE TO THE MICS. THE WINDOW AND CLOSET ARE FAR ENOUGH AWAY TO GIVER SOME SEPARATION WITHOUT MAKING THE OFFICE SOUND SPACIOUS. IT'S NOT. SHEPLEY Good morning F.X. DOOR IS UNLOCKED SMITH (OFF) Good morning. I've been waiting since six. F.X. DOOR OPENS SHEPLEY (FADING UP) Well come in, my dear fellow. F.X. LIGHT SWITCHES ON. SMITH I'm not intruding? SHEPLEY Nonsense. Please sit down. I'm open for business. Just let me hang up my coat. F.X. DROPS HAT ON DESK. MOVES AWAY TO CLOSET. SMITH It's not very big. SHEPLEY Eh? (PUTS COAT IN CLOSET) SMITH Your office. SHEPLEY (COMING BACK TO DESK) Well I don't need much space for my business as I think you'll appreciate. There are no files to keep up. No stock. No inventories. No overheads. Really it's the ideal business. All I need is a sheet of paper and a pencil. SMITH And some talent. SHEPLEY Well all writers need a little of that. However in my line the talent required is minimal. SMITH Sort of like advertising. SHEPLEY Yes. The main requirement here is for clear thinking. No point, however trivial, must be missed. After all I only ever see my customers once. SMITH Yes. There is that. SHEPLEY Yes. A clean and tidy end is something we all want. And that is what I've dedicated my professional life to providing. SMITH Yes. I saw your advertisement in the paper. SHEPLEY The one that goes "For that final note"? SMITH No. SHEPLEY Oh. "Exit Lines." SMITH Yes. You write suicide notes? SHEPLEY I do indeed. If you're planning to do yourself in, and you can't find the right phrase for that final note, or if you want to leave behind a few modestly immortal words, then I can pen them for you. Do you wish me to write you a suicide note? SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY I must warn you, my terms are strictly cash. SMITH Of course. SHEPLEY And you're not going to get cold feet? SMITH No. I'm serious. I'm going to end it all. SHEPLEY It's just that sort of trite phrase I'm in business to combat. First things first. What sort of card would you like. SMITH What? SHEPLEY For the note. I have gilt cards, stippled, plain white, or black edged. Black edged with a small black wreath tucked tastefully in one corner is our most popular line. Very fitting. It gives one a sense of occasion, don't you think? SMITH I'll take it. SHEPLEY Fine. Now for the ink. Personally I prefer the black ink. It's more stark. More final. However some people do prefer the red ink. Especially the shotgun suicides. SMITH Black ink please. SHEPLEY Black ink. At last we come to the note itself. Exactly what sentiments did you have in mind? SMITH I want to end it all. SHEPLEY Yes, of course. But why, and how. SMITH I'm sick of living. Every thing's so futile. There's no reason to existence. My girl stood me up. SHEPLEY Ah. (WRITES) "Without you life is empty, Without you there is only darkness eternal. Farewell. Farewell my sweet ... " what's her name? SMITH I don't know. I never actually met her. She was a blind date. SHEPLEY How exactly are you planning to do yourself in? SMITH I'm going to jump. SHEPLEY Then something like this might do: (WRITES) "Life makes me jumpy." No ... to blah. SMITH I want something more formal. SHEPLEY Dear sir or madam, or: (Writes) "To whom it may concern. Bingo." SMITH Please. This is my life you're joking about. SHEPLEY Yes, of course. I'm sorry. SMITH I'd just as soon take my custom elsewhere if you're going to joke. SHEPLEY I really am sorry. My levity is only an attempt to conceal the real grief within. SMITH Oh. SHEPLEY You don't realise just how depressing it can be sitting here day after day listening to suicides pour out their souls into this, their final epistle. It's heart breaking, soul destroying work. Just last week I had a case. This girl came in. Wanted to end it all. Well she jumped down at The Gap eventually. I had to go down with the police and identify the body. Very gruesome. That's where I met her husband. He was quite a nice bloke on the surface. The kind you take an instant liking to. Except that he used to beat up his wife. Evidently she couldn't take it any longer and took her life. Now her husband has got no one to beat up but his children. Sometimes the wrong people suicide. That's depressing too. SMITH I'm sorry. I'll go elsewhere. SHEPLEY No, don't. You see there's one thing that makes it all worthwhile, and that's the satisfaction of seeing a suicide such as yourself leave behind in that final note a little gem of immortality. It's my joy to know that I have contributed, however slightly, to that persons immortality. You wouldn't deprive me - and yourself - of that remembrance would you? SMITH Well no. I want to be remembered, of course. SHEPLEY Everyone does. SMITH I could have been somebody important if I'd wanted to, Don't think I couldn't. I could have been ... almost anything. If I'd wanted to. SHEPLEY I'm sure you could. SMITH It's just that there didn't seem to be any good reason to ... to strive. Should I have? What for? SHEPLEY About the note? SMITH Address it to my mum. "Dear mum. I'm sorry." SHEPLEY (Writes) "Dear mum. I'm sorry." Is that all? SMITH That's all. SHEPLEY It's touching. It says a lot. Just pin it onto your coat where it's easy to see. There. That will be five dollars. The pin is free. SMITH Thank you. You've given me the courage to go on. (Moves away to the window) You have a nice view SHEPLEY Yes. When the smog clears you can see the harbour. SMITH Well I'll be going then. F.X. Opens the window. Traffic noises swell. SHEPLEY Shouldn't you use the door? SMITH No thanks. I'd rather jump. SHEPLEY It's fourteen floors down. SMITH That should do the trick. Goodbye then. SHEPLEY Wait! At least let me shake your hand. To wish you goodbye. You're a brave man, you know. SMITH Do you think so? SHEPLEY I'm certain of it. Will you shake hands? SMITH All right. Goodbye then. SHEPLEY Goodbye then. No. I'm sorry I can't let you do it. It would be bad for business. SMITH (Struggling) Let go of my hand. SHEPLEY (Struggling) Come away from the window. SMITH (Struggling) Please let me jump. SHEPLEY (Struggling) Come away. SMITH (Struggling) Please let me jump. It would be good for business. SHEPLEY (Struggling) Policemen everywhere that's good for business? SMITH (Struggling) Think of the publicity. You'd be famous. SHEPLEY (Stops struggling)Famous? SMITH (Still puffing) People would trek for miles to see your window. This window. This window could become as famous as The Gap. As well known as the Golden Gate Bridge. SHEPLEY I could charge admission. SMITH There'd be lots of money in it. SHEPLEY By George you're right. I should have known better than to stand between a suicide and his window. SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY I'll just turn my back, Mr Smith, and you do what you have to do. SMITH Yes, well .. goodbye. SHEPLEY Goodbye. SMITH Goodbye ... I'll be going then. SHEPLEY Yes. Goodbye. (Pause) SHEPLEY Are you gone yet? SMITH It seems I've gone off the boil. SHEPLEY You can't do that. SMITH I think I want to live. SHEPLEY But what about my tourist trade? SMITH Never mind. Someone else will come along. SHEPLEY But I won't be able to charge them, will I? Damn it, haven't you got any guts? SMITH Guts? Believe me it takes a lot more guts to go on living on this sod of a planet. SHEPLEY (Grabs Smith) Get over to that window and bloody well jump. SMITH (Struggling) No. I'm leaving by the stairs. SHEPLEY (Struggling) No you're not. SMITH (Struggling) Let me go. What are you doing? SHEPLEY (Struggling) Defenestration. SMITH (Struggling) Defena ... what? SHEPLEY (Struggling) Defenestration. It means I'm going to chuck you out the window. SMITH (Struggling) Over my dead body. F.X. (The struggle ends in a heap on the floor) SHEPLEY (Breathless)I take it you won't jump voluntarily? SMITH (Breathless) Yes. That's right. I'm not jumping. SHEPLEY Well there is another way. F.X. (Gets up, Shuts window. Traffic fades.) SMITH What do you mean? SHEPLEY Never mind. Sit down, dear boy. Sit down. Now let's look at this situation rationally. When you came in here just a few minutes ago you were intent on committing suicide? SMITH That's right. SHEPLEY And now you feel that suicide's out. You want to go on living. SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY Yes. Ah, Would you say that you are slightly mercurial in temperament. Given to sudden, violent swings of emotion? SMITH I suppose I am. SHEPLEY (Sympathetic) You get depressed easily. SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY That's really very interesting. Can you recall the exact events of last night that made you want to commit suicide? SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY Can you recall each detail as it happened? SMITH Yes. Why? SHEPLEY Ah. I don't often have the chance to discuss their motivations with my clients. Let's just call it market research. SMITH Well, anything I can do to help. SHEPLEY Very kind. I was thinking that if you were to reenact the events of last night you might be able to recapture your suicidal mood. SMITH So you can get me to jump out your bloody window. SHEPLEY Not at all. Not at all. This is purely for market research. Believe me I only have your best interests at heart. Listen. You told me you were volatile, didn't you? SMITH (CAUTIOUSLY) Yes. SHEPLEY Well just ask ourself this: what's going to happen next time you get depressed. What's going to happen then, eh? There might not be someone like me around to save you. You might very well end up down on the pavement, flat out like a pancake ... dead. SMITH You'd like that wouldn't you. SHEPLEY Not at all. SMITH You've already tried to push me out once. SHEPLEY Nonsense. I was trying to help. SMITH Ha! SHEPLEY I genuinely believed you wished to end it all. Now I realise you wish to go on living and I am prepared to respect that attitude. Far be it from me to interfere with another person's Karma. SMITH Well ... SHEPLEY Believe me. I was only trying to help. SMITH Yes, well ... SHEPLEY Of course if you don't want my help I won't force it on you. SMITH It's not that I don't want your help. I think I need help, don't you? SHEPLEY Quite probably. SMITH To do what I almost did. I must have been pretty desperate. SHEPLEY I'd say so. SMITH O. K. SHEPLEY What? SMITH O. K. Will you help me? SHEPLEY If you're sure that's what you want. SMITH Yes. Well. Where do I begin? SHEPLEY This girl that stood you up. She precipitated your troubles> SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY Well start before that. In the afternoon. SMITH I was at work. SHEPLEY Where do you work? SMITH In the city. In an office. I sit at a desk in a room with twenty other people and check invoices. SHEPLEY Is that all? SMITH Yes. It's not a bad sort of job. Some of the things people can do with the humble invoice are pretty amazing. People fill them out incorrectly, or leave bits out and you have to make sense of these few brief squiggles. It's sort of like code breaking. Most of the time though it's pretty boring. SHEPLEY What about the blind date. SMITH Bert. One of the blokes there. Bert set me up with this date, you see. SHEPLEY But she didn't show up. SMITH No. I don't think that it was Bert's fault though SHEPLEY What sort of bloke is this Bert SMITH Bert's a good type really. Always joking with the others. He did me a good turn setting me up with this date. That surprised me a bit. I never expected him to do anything like that. I didn't think he could be so considerate. SHEPLEY He's usually flippant? SMITH Yes. Always joking. SHEPLEY A practical joker. SMITH I suppose so. SHEPLEY You don't get on with your work mates very well. SMITH No. I'm not a mixer. I can't always see their jokes. I suppose I've always been an outsider like that. I don't know why. They get in a group and do things together. Go to the pub. Play footy. They get together and talk about cars, where they're going on holidays this christmas; how to put down brick paving and railway sleeper retaining walls. They all seem to marry the same sort of girls. ... I just want to be left alone to daydream. Think. SHEPLEY What happened to your date? SMITH I made a mess of it. SHEPLEY The girl didn't turn up? SMITH Oh I didn't mind that so much. It was the rest of it. You see I told my landlady I was going out with this girl. I told my neighbour about it. Everyone at work. It was a big deal. I felt really good, you know. I felt like I was someone who might amount to something one day, not just a rotten little clerk. I put on my best suit. Got some flowers and a box of chocolates. Then went to meet her. SHEPLEY Where was this meeting going to be? SMITH By the fountain in Kings Cross. You know the one that looks like a ball. SHEPLEY Yes. SMITH Well I sat there and waited. I watched the people going past. And when the seat got to hard I walked around the fountain and sat on the edge. Once I walked over and read the notices on the library door. SHEPLEY When did you realise she wasn't going to turn up? SMITH I didn't want to let myself face that possibility. I was too tense. I just waited and tried not to think. Finally I walked across the road to a snack bar for a chocolate. This man behind the counter asked me why I didn't eat the chocolates I was holding. I told him: "These are for my girl." He said "What's she like?" I said "I don't know. I haven't met her yet." He pointed across the road and said. "Perhaps that's her." And there was this girl there. Tall and cool looking, wearing a sweater and hot pants. She was standing beside the fountain just like I'd pictured her. so I walked across the road and went up to her and said. "Are you my date?" And she said "Sure honey." So I gave her the chocolates and flowers and I said. "Shall we go somewhere." And she said "Sure baby." And we walked along the footpath for about a block whole I tried to think of something to say. And then she said "This is my apartment house." And I knew I had made an awful mistake. I wasn't talking to my date. I was talking to a prostitute, and I'd never talked to a prostitute before. I ... I couldn't talk. I couldn't say anything. I ... I wanted her as a woman, but not as a ... a ... I just couldn't say anything. I stood there and gibbered. And she laughed. So I ran. And she kept on laughing. I could hear her laughing at me. The people in the street were laughing. Everyone laughing. I had to get away. I had to get out. I ran and ran. Then I walked. Then I san some more. And gradually burnt out the fear, the embarrassment. That was it. More than anything else. The embarrassment. I was embarrassed at my own reaction. It was so stupid. I just wanted to run away from this stupid idiot: myself. So I walked and walked until I was empty. Just cold and desperate. I wrote a letter quitting nmy job. Payed up my rent. Then I came here. SHEPLEY What's his name ... Bert. Bert set you up with this date. What if there was no girl. What if it was all just an elaborate practical joke? They could all be sitting back in the office today laughing themselves silly about how gullible you are. Just spin a yarn and in he comes. The office dill. The office half-wit. I suppose Bert told you this girl was shy? SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY The sensitive type. Needs companionship. SMITH Yes. SHEPLEY You're a sap. You're never going to live this down. They'll be talking about this for years. "See that dill over there? We sent him down the Cross one night. Talk about laugh ..." SMITH Shut up. I'll show them. I'll show the lot of them. They can't push me around all the time. (Retreats to window. Opens it. Traffic sound swells) I don't want to be pushed around. I want to be left alone. SHEPLEY Go on you poor little sook. Why don't you jump? People will leave you alone then. Just step out the window and end it all. Go on. Jump! Jump! SMITH (Realising) You want to kill me. SHEPLEY (Grabs Smith) Jump! SMITH (Struggling) Let me go. Help! SHEPLEY (Struggling) Jump! Jump!! F. X. (A fight. ending in a heap on the floor. There is a pause while the two protagonists regain their breath.) SMITH You can't trust anybody. (They slowly get up) SHEPLEY I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. F. X. (The window is closed. The traffic noise fades) SMITH That's all right. SHEPLEY I just wanted to make a success of the business. I've had failures before, you see. Not that I let it get to me. On the contrary. I try to bee philosophical about life's little miseries. I thought this time it might be different though. After all it's not everybody who's got the nerve to make a career of failure. SMITH No. SHEPLEY In fact I think I've done some very good work here. (takes papers from a drawer) These are some of my best suicide notes. Listen: "Goodbye Muriel. I won't be home for tea." Isn't that good. I designed it for the thoughtful husband. SMITH It's not bad. Did you ever find a thoughtful husband. SHEPLEY Well actually no. Suicide notes are rather individual things. But I like to be prepared. Here's a good one. "As I am falling though the air, Still I will think you fair. Will you love me when I'm dead, Though I land upon my head?" That's more for the jilted lover. I should have offered it to you. SMITH Not quite my case. Is it? SHEPLEY No. Where did I go wrong with you? Don't tell me, I know. I rushed the defenestration. My nerves are shot you see. SMITH You're over worked, I suppose. SHEPLEY Something like that. Here's one for the business man. "What have I achieved with my life? Fat feet. Is that any return on life's investment?" SMITH Did a businessman with fat feet ever come in here? SHEPLEY No. (Pause) I haven't achieved much with my life. I'm over forty now. Ah well, here's another card. "I'm too old. Who will employ an aging executive? Not many. And then it's a token job. Something trivial just to show the company doesn't discriminate against the elderly. That's not for me." (Pause) It's true you know. This was my last chance to make something of myself. I can't expect much out of life now. I can't get back into industry. I gambled starting this business. Now I've lost. I might as well go out gracefully. In the words of possibly my greatest suicide note - designed for a disgruntled highway surveyor - "Life is a dead-end road. The time has come to hang up my trusty theodolite, and head for that final benchmark in the sky. Farewell." SMITH Look I wouldn't do anything stupid if I were you. SHEPLEY I never realised before just how applicable some of my own words were to myself. F. X. (Window opens. Traffic sounds swell) SHEPLEY (cont) I intend to jump. SMITH Shake hands? SHEPLEY Ah ha! Let's say farewell from a distance. What a waste life is. SMITH What about your business? SHEPLEY It's yours. You can have it. SMITH Is that legal? SHEPLEY I don't suppose it is. Give me a card and I'll write my will. This is the first one I've ever written, you know. Somehow you assume you'll live forever, and it comes as a jolt to face your own mortality. (Scribbles will) Is that legal? SMITH It'll do. I don't think you quite realise what a gold mine you're leaving behind. SHEPLEY Gold mine? SMITH Never mind. I'm sure you're doing the right thing. SHEPLEY I'm not so sure. I think I'll stay for a bit. SMITH Don't fool around. Jump while you've got the urge. SHEPLEY You're trying to get rid of me. SMITH No I'm not. SHEPLEY Yes you are. You're planning something. SMITH Look. If you don't want to jump then don't. I don't care. (Moves away to window) SHEPLEY Yes, well. F. X. (Puts away suicide notes. Drawer opens. Closes) SMITH (At the window)There's been an accident down on the corner. SHEPLEY It's a bad corner. SMITH It looks like someone's hurt. It's pretty bad. Could it be someone from this building? SHEPLEY Let's see. (Goes to the window) F. X. (Opens window. Traffic noises swell) SHEPLEY (continued)I can't see anything. SMITH If you lean further out. Good. F. X. Smith tackles Shepley and tries to throw him out the window. There's a struggle. SHEPLEY (struggling) What are you doing? SMITH (struggling) Defenestration SHEPLEY (struggling) Cut that out. F. X. (Struggle. Both fall. There is a pause while they try to recover their breath.) SMITH I didn't really want to defenestrate you. SHEPLEY Ha. Let's be civilised about this. I'm prepared to make you an offer. F. X. (Window is closed. Traffic noises fade.) SMITH What sort of an offer. SHEPLEY That depends. You seem to think you could make a go of this business. SMITH I've got a few ideas. SHEPLEY If your ideas work out I'll make you a partner. SMITH You're on. What I was going to do was diversify. SHEPLEY Diversify. SMITH Something like this; we bring out a whole range of suicide cards and put them into department stores across the country. We'll get the mass suicide market. SHEPLEY It's a great idea. We could run a national advertising campaign. SMITH In five years we could double the suicide rate. SHEPLEY Form a company. SMITH A corporation. SHEPLEY A conglomerate. SMITH And we'll own it all., Partner. SHEPLEY Partner. You know, I don;t even know your name? SMITH Sigmund Smith. What's your name? SHEPLEY Shepley. George Shepley. Hello Sigmund. SMITH Hello George. You know I don't think we ought to abandon that idea of chucking somebody out the window, SHEPLEY Defenestration. I have a confession to make Sigmund. I lied when I told you I had other clients. You are my first customer. SMITH You mean there is no business. SHEPLEY Well I'm optimistic. The fact that I've had one customer - yourself - indicates that there is a market here. It just needs development. SMITH How long have you been open for business? SHEPLEY About two years. SMITH And in all that time I'm your only customer? SHEPLEY Now Sigmund, it's not that bad. Things will pick up. SMITH George, how much longer are you going to kid yourself? You're not getting any return here. You're just throwing your money down the drain. How much longer do you think you can do that? SHEPLEY Well to tell the truth my rent's overdue now. I thought you might help out Sigmund. SMITH I gave you my last five dollars. It's hopeless, isn't it. SHEPLEY I suppose it is. There really isn't any point in carrying on, is there. SMITH No. Bloody pointless. I've got nowhere to go. SHEPLEY Neither have I. This office is all I've got. I had to give up my apartment. I sleep here until about four A. M. then sneak out the back way and sit in the park until it's time to come to work. Then I walk in the front door. It's just an illusion, After next week I won't even have that. SMITH I think we've got to face the fact that we're two of life's failures. We add nothing to society. We drag it down. No, we don't even do that. We're not even a negative influence. We're nothing. When I was younger the aggressive power hungry types would cultivate me just to be on the safe side. They didn't want me stabbing them in the back. Now they don't even bother. They just ignore me. They know I don't count. SHEPLEY The most depressing thing is all the effort I've put in to getting where I am. I can't count the years of study I put in as a child. As a young man starting out in the business world. Where did it get me? Am I any better off for all that effort? No. I'm not. I just don't want to try any more. I'm too old. SMITH I see the power hungry young me clawing their way to the top of the pile. But what for? You limb to the top of the mountain and what's there? Instead of looking at one small patch of dirt you're looking at a big patch of dirt. It's the same thing. I'm just fed up. SHEPLEY I haven't got anything to live for. SMITH Neither have I F. X. (Window opens. Traffic noises swell) SHEPLEY After you. SMITH No, after you. SHEPLEY Let's both jump together. SMITH Fine. F. X. (There's a knock at the door) SMITH Who's that? SHEPLEY I don't know. You don't think it could be a customer? SMITH It could be. F. X. (Knock at the door) SHEPLEY Well, I'd better answer it I suppose. F. X. (Closes the window. Door opens) JONES (Off) Do you write suicide notes? SHEPLEY (Fading up) Of course dear fellow. Come in. JONES My name is Jeremiah Jones. I want to commit suicide. SHEPLEY Of course Mr Jones. SMITH As a matter of fact we have just been composing our latest - and if I may say so - our best note. Would you like to read it? JONES "Dear mum, I'm sorry." (starts to snivel) That's beautiful. Can I have it? SHEPLEY That will be five dollars. The pin is free. JONES I'm going to jump, you know. SMITH Perhaps you'd care to use our window? JONES (unsure) Thank you. SHEPLEY We're glad to be of assistance. F. X. (Window opens. Traffic noises swell) JONES Aren't you going to stop me? Call the police or something? SHEPLEY We don't want to infringe your civil rights, Mr Jones. JONES Oh. (pause) I'm not sure I've got the nerve. SMITH Defenestration, Mr. Shepley? SHEPLEY Defenestration, Mr. Smith. F. X. (Smith and Shepley pick up Jones) JONES Hey. Put me down. What are you doing? Stop. Don't throw me out. F. X. (Scream quickly fading into the distance as Jones is defenestrated) SHEPLEY Well business is looking up, Sigmund. SMITH It certainly is, George. F. X. (Window closes) END Copyright � 1976 & 2001 F J WIllett 49 Metala Rd Paralowie South Australia Australia 5108 ph (61) 8 82812524

For any further information about this site, the plays, or anything else Fred, he can be E-Mailed @

willettfj@hotmail.com

Exit Lines

Or the Defenestration of Jeremiah Jones

copyright © 18-4-2001 Fred Willett