You can read the books, but for god's sake don't leave them all dog-eared and littered all over the floor so I've got to come around after you and pick them all up. Put them back on the shelves when you're finished with them. Is that too much to ask? Didn't your mother teach you anything?

I know, I know. Mother's are like that...Well yours might be. Mine isn't. She's very well behaved. We keep her in the hall closet. I never did think it right the way Norman Bates treated his mum when I was younger but as I've grown older I've come to see the error of my ways and I've begun to appreciate the value of a parent who doesn't answer back. Taxidermy is an undervalued art in our society and it's so much cheaper than cremation. Anyway we only let mummy out on Halloween. The kids who come to the door never bother us again, which is a blessing in it's own right and also keeps the freezer full for another twelve months.

Who says parents aren't useful?