	F R E D SCRIPTS
	Home Abode Library Scripts Linkz Help

Furfy's Island

Concept by F J Willett & Kelvin Butcher

This is a 30 min TV pilot that me and Kelvin worked out some time ago.
The idea is to take Gilligan's Island and give it a bit of satiric edge.

FURFY'S ISLAND by F J Willett SCENE 1 TED FURFY How's this for an idea. We start with dancing cows. They come on carrying dog food. Your dog food.. BEN DOONE I dunno. Dancing cows... TED FURFY Followed by dancing girls with butchers knives. They slice steaks off the cows and stuff it into your dog food. Good fresh lean steak. It's a great concept, Ben. Slice of life drama. The stuff of which award winning commercials are made. BEN DOONE I don't want awards I just want to sell my dog food. TED FURFY Of course it'll sell. Think of it, Ben. The dancing cow can be your trade mark. BEN DOONE I've got a trade mark. A tree. TED FURFY A tree. What good's a tree. You know what I think of when I think of a tree. Dogs. Piddling dogs. Is that the sort of image you want your company to project, Ben? No, of course not. (KNOCK AT DOOR) ROBYN FURFY Ted, darling, can I come in? BEN DOONE It's my grandfather's tree. TED FURFY No. I'm pitching to a client. BEN DOONE He founded the company. ROBYN FURFY Excuse me... This is important. BEN DOONE It's planted over his grave. TED FURFY Robyn. I'm... Then there's the jingle. The dog sings; "Steak is good Steak is fine. Steak is wot on us dogs do dine" ROBYN FURFY Excuse us, won't you. TED FURFY I can't see you now..Ben.. ROBYN FURFY You do love me, don't you? TED FURFY Not now. I'm... ROBYN FURFY And anything I do ex-officio doen't mean I love you any the less. BEN DOONE Well, I've got another appointment. TED FURFY No, no. Robyn's just leaving. You have to leave now, don't you darling. ROBYN FURFY No, I can't. Sorry. TED FURFY He..Ben is a very important client. Get out. Come back later. ROBYN FURFY Ted, I am not only your wife, I am a lawyer. it gives me no pleasure to do this, but.. TED FURFY Then the cows sing the chorus; "Doggy dins, Doggy dins, Rah rah rah. Doggy dins, Doggy dins, Here we are. Steak in your caaannnn..." Please don't leave. BEN DOONE I'm a business man. Not a marriage guidance councillor. FIrstly the tree stays on the can... TED FURFY You can keep the tree. BEN DOONE Thank you. And as for the advert. TED FURFY A really professional piece of work. ROBYN FURFY This is business. Listen to me. TED FURFY I won't be a moment. Robyn. Please leave, please. Please. ROBYN FURFY You're fired. TED FURFY What? ROBYN FURFY Sacked. Given the Australian order of the big A. I'm sorry Ted. There's no easy way to say it. You're out of a job. TED FURFY But...how? ROBYN FURFY It's not my fault. One of my clients... Merrik. You know him. TED FURFY Yes. ROBYN FURFY He's taken you over. You no longer own this company. I'm sorry. BEN DOONE Can we concentrate on my ad. I won't have dancing cows. ROBYN FURFY I'd advise you to talk to the new owners first... You have to vacate the office in 30 minutes. TED FURFY But how could he buy me out. This is a family company. Unlisted. The only people that hold shares are me and... ROBYN FURFY I sold my shares. TED FURFY You what? ROBYN FURFY It's perfectly legal. I sold my share of the company. BEN DOONE I do have another appointment. TED FURFY We haven't finished our talk yet, Ben. Bear with me one moment. BEN DOONE Your domestic disputes... TED FURFY This isn't a dispute. Purely business. I'm going to kill her. ROBYN FURFY Yes. No! BEN DOONE That's reasonable. But dancing cows? TED FURFY Forget the cows. You don't like cows that's fine. I'm not particularly fond of milk myself. But I've got this other great concept. (TO ROBYN) If you only sold your share then I still control the company. ROBYN FURFY Afraid not. Remember that court case last year. You payed me in stock. You own 46 percent. I own - owned 54 percent. TED FURFY I'm ruined. How could you do this. ROBYN FURFY He offered me a brilliant price. TED FURFY Judas. ROBYN FURFY You always said when it comes to business use your head. TED FURFY Ruined. There's nothing else for it. I'll throw myself out the window. ROBYN FURFY Don't be silly Ted. We're on the ground floor. F.X. PHONE RINGS. ROBYN PICKS UP PHONE ROBYN FURFY (ON PHONE) Furfy Advertising? BEN DOONE This is not a good day. I'll come back later. TED FURFY No. Ben Ben Ben, picture this. Green pastures. Frolicking labradors. We close in on a can nestled in the grass. A can. Your can, Ben. Doggy Dins. What am I doing. I'm ruined. ROBYN FURFY Thanks very much I'll tell him. F.X. HANGS UP PHONE. BEN DOONE No, I like it. ROBYN FURFY Ted. I'm afraid it's bad news. TED FURFY What have we been dealing with. The good news? ROBYN FURFY Someone's stolen your porsche. TED FURFY Oh no. Not the porsche. ROBYN FURFY I'm sorry to rush you darling, but you have to be out of the building in...fifteen minutes. BEN DOONE My ad. TED FURFY No. That's it. Be right with you, Ben. I'm going to stay. I'm going to fight. I built this company from the ground up. Everything it is is because of my sweat. My toil. My blood. I'm not going to let it all slip away. I'm going to stay and I'm going to fight. On the beaches, in the hills in the streets. I shall never surrender. And if England and her Commonwealth... ROBYN FURFY Darling, I'm right with you. I know how you feel. I know how much of yourself you've invested in this company. And I knew you'd want to do something about it. To stay and fight for all the years of toil, all the years you struggled night and day to build up this firm. Believe me, darling I know how much this business means to you. That's why, regretfully, I brought him. F.X. DOOR OPENS WITH A RESOUNDING SLAM. THERE IS THE CRUNCH CRUNCH OF EARTH SHAKING FOOTSTEPS AS GODZILLA WALKS INTO THE ROOM. TED FURFY My god what is that? ROBYN FURFY My security guard. TED FURFY Is it human? ROBYN FURFY You've got ten minutes to clean out your desk darling. TED FURFY How could you do it. How could you give away my lifetimes work. BEN DOONE Eh hem. TED FURFY My god, are you still here. BEN DOONE Yes. TED FURFY Don't go. I want to talk to you. BEN DOONE I'm not sure I want to talk to you. ROBYN FURFY You've got five minutes left and you haven't started on your desk yet. TED FURFY Everything I've got done, achieved is here. How could you destroy all that? ROBYN FURFY For the money. You always said money was the only thing in life that mattered. TED FURFY And you believed me? ROBYN FURFY Darling, it was my job to shaft you. I'm truely sorry, but I had to do it. TED FURFY Why. ROBYN FURFY For money. TED FURFY You didn't have to accept it. ROBYN FURFY I'm a lawyer. Taking money off people is my job. TED FURFY Your're good at it. ROBYN FURFY I know. But Ted, my heart was with you. When Merrick asked me to purchase your company for him I resigned as his attorney. TED FURFY But not till you shafted me. ROBYN FURFY Of course not, Ted. I hope I'm a professional about my work. TED FURFY Thank you. ROBYN FURFY But Ted, I will stand by you through thick and not quite so thick. TED FURFY Not thin? ROBYN FURFY Forget thin. TED FURFY And my Porsche is gone. What else could go wrong? F.X. THE FRONT DOOR IS BROKEN DOWN WITH CONSIDERABLE FORCE AND MUCH SHATTERING OF GLASS. STAR FORCE OFFICERS STORM INTO THE ROOM GOING.. OFFICERS Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, THEY THROW TED FURFY TO THE FLOOR. TED FURFY Hey! Watch it. Help! F.X. 50 GUNS ARE COCKED. SWAT OFFICER Alright Jenkins. One move and we'll blow your head off. TED FURFY I'm not Jenkins. SWAT OFFICER Not Jenkins? TED FURFY No. SWAT OFFICER Oh. TED FURFY He's the next office. Down the corridor. SWAT OFFICER Sorry. O.K. men. F.X. 50 GUNS ARE MADE SAFE. SWAT OFFICER Let's go. THEY LEAVE. OFFICERS Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, (RECEDING) TED FURFY It's just one of those days. That's all it is. I'll be right tomorrow. ROBYN FURFY Ted. Don't you ever go through your in tray. TED FURFY Hardly ever. Why. ROBYN FURFY There's a letter here from the public Trustee. TED FURFY Probably a bill. F.X. TEARS OPEN LETTER. ROBYN FURFY No. It's good news. F.X. MACHINE GUNS DOWN THE HALL. TED FURFY What? ROBYN FURFY Ted. Your Aunt Beryl has died. TED FURFY That is good news? ROBYN FURFY Yes, Ted, she has left you a tropical island. A tropical island with tourist complex, golden beaches. The whole thing. Ted, you own a tropical island. You're rich. TED FURFY I'm rich. I'm rich. Poor Aunt Berly. I'm rich. Robyn, we're ri... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SENTENCE CUT TO... SCENE 2 A QANTAS FLIGHT. F.X. THE ROAR OF A PLANE TAKING OFF. QUICKLY CROSS FADE TO CABIN HISS CAPTAIN (V.O.) This is flight 312 to London via Singapore, and Bahrain. We hope you have a comfortable flight. Will passengers for Paradise Island please report to the stewardess. TED FURFY Paradise Island. That's us. Stewardess. STEWARDESS Mr and Ms. Furfy? TED FURFY Yes. STEWARDESS You're getting off at Paradise Island, aren't you. ROBYN FURFY That's right. STEWARDESS Follow me please. TED FURFY Paradise Island. What do you say we rename it Beryl Island in honour of dear departed Aunt Beryl. ROBYN FURFY Where would you rather holiday? Paradise Island or Beryl Island? TED FURFY Of course it was Aunt Beryl who named the island Paradise. I think we should respect her wishes, don't you? ROBYN FURFY Yes, Ted. TED FURFY Hang on. We're over the Indian Ocean, surely. STEWARDESS Would you like to put these on. TED FURFY Parachutes? Parachutes? But why? STEWARDESS You see the plane doesn't actually stop at Paradise Island. TED FURFY And aren't we over the wrong Ocean? Shouldn't we be landing on the Barrier Reef somewhere? STEWARDESS Oh we don't land. ROBYN FURFY Stop asking inane question, Ted. TED FURFY Well how do we get off the plane if the plane doesn't land. I wouldn't have thought that was an inane question. ROBYN FURFY Ted, if the plane doesn't land and they're giving us parachutes then it certainly is an inane question. STEWARDESS Just step this way please. F.X. THE DOOR OPENS. THE WIND BECOMES A ROAR. TED Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!!!! CROSS FADE TO... SCENE 3 THE JUNGLE TED DESCENDS INTO THE JUNGLE SCREAMING. TED FURFY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!!!! F.X. TED CRASHES THROUGH THE FOLIAGE. TED FURFY I wasn't scared. Hello? Hello? I wasn't scared. Not for a minute. The primordial jungle. Unchanged since the Cretaceous. The domain of primitive man. I climbed down from some tree like this. Gradually forced myself erect. Man. King of beasts. Lord of all I survey. I wonder if there any leeches.. Snakes.. Scorpions... Robyn! Robyn! ROBYN FURFY Up here. TED FURFY Where? ROBYN FURFY Up. Look up. TED FURFY Hello. Just hanging around, are we? ROBYN FURFY Get me down. TED FURFY Ah. ROBYN FURFY You can get me down. TED FURFY Yes. See that large red button on the front of the parachute? ROBYN FURFY This one? TED FURFY Yes. What ever you do don't push that yet. ROBYN FURFY Aaaaaaugh!!! F.X. SHE CRASHES THROUGH THE FOLIAGE. TED FURFY I told you not to press it. ROBYN FURFY Oh Ted. You broke my fall. You saved my life. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. TED FURFY Hang on. Hang on. Everything's wrong. We're in the wrong ocean. Who ever heard of a tropical island resort in the Indian Ocean. ROBYN FURFY Why not? TED FURFY Why not? Don't make me laugh. Where's the golden beaches. And where's the tourist complex. ROBYN FURFY It's got to be around here somewhere. Listen. F.X. DRUMS START. ROBYN FURFY Those drums. Those native drums. Will they never stop. They're driving me mad. I tell you. Mad! Mad!! TED FURFY What? ROBYN FURFY This way, Ted. F.X. QUICK BRIDGE. PUSHING THROUGH JUNGLE. SCENE 4 ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE. TED FURFY What's this? ROBYN FURFY Somebody's house. TED FURFY Somebody's dugout. It looks like a military camp. F.X. A VINTAGE GRAMAPHONE IS PLAYING. THE DRUMS, CLEARLY COMING FROM THE RECORD, RESOLVE INTO BENNY GOODMAN'S "SING SING SING (WITH A SWING)" WITH A FAIR AMMOUND OF SURFACE NOISE. THE RECORDS ARE OLD AND HAVE BEEN USED A LOT. ROBYN FURFY We've stumbled into world war two. Look. A piece of steel from a world war two tank. TED FURFY Iron rations. ROBYN LIFTS NEEDLE OFF RECORD. MUSIC STOPS. ROBYN FURFY Hello? TED FURFY You know this is a piece of history. The lean-to. The hammoch. The primus stove. The records. The Betty Grabble pictures on the wall. People lived like this during the war. Fought. Died. Listening to Tokyo Violet. ROBYN FURFY Rose. TED FURFY Playing the records of Benny Miller, Glen Goodman. ROBYN FURFY Benny Goodman. Glen... TED FURFY It's what we can do with this island, Robyn. The hook to drag in the tourists. Look. Re-experience world war two. Re-live the Kodak trail. Trenches in the jungle. Tanks choked with vines. Plane wrecks. Explosions. Skeletons skewered on bamboo stakes. Dead bodies. Special effects. We can build a tourist's dream here. The ultimate theme park. We'll have to do it two ways, of course. Brave diggers versus the yellow peril for the RSL and noble Imperial warriors heroically fighting a lost cause for the Japanese tourist trade. HARRY KOORIE You are dead man. ROBYN FURFY Ted. It's a japanese soldier. TED FURFY More like a refugee from an old age home. HARRY KOORIE This my abode. ROBYN FURFY We're sorry. We had no idea. HARRY KOORIE I am Japanese warrior. TED FURFY You can't be. You're a senior citizen. HARRY KOORIE I am soldier. I never surrender. ROBYN FURFY He thinks the war is still going on. TED FURFY And this your house. HARRY KOORIE No. This Imperial Japanese Army Headquarters. TED FURFY But you don't actually live here. Do you? HARRY KOORIE I am an old man. My needs are simple. I live in hotel on island. TED FURFY My hotel. HARRY KOORIE Ah. You Missie Berly cousin. I call you boss. TED FURFY What? HARRY KOORIE I am your cook. TED FURFY A senile cook. Trust aunt Beryl. ROBYN FURFY Tell me, what wages do you get? HARRY KOORIE Wages? ROBYN FURFY Money. You do get payed. TED FURFY Robyn, what do you think you're doing? ROBYN FURFY This man is my client. TED FURFY Your client. Since when? HARRY KOORIE You will have tea. ROBYN FURFY Well we haven't actually sat down and worked out a schedule of fees or anything like that, but this little old guy clearly requires someone to protect his interests. Me. TED FURFY You're my wife. You're supposed to be on my side, not drumming up clients to sue me. ROBYN FURFY Could you honestly walk away and let a nice little old man like that get taken advantage of? TED FURFY When I'm the one doing the taking advantage of, yes. HARRY KOORIE You will have saki, and then I will kill you. TED FURFY What did you say? HARRY KOORIE You will have saki. TED FURFY I got that bit. The next bit. HARRY KOORIE And then I will kill you. TED FURFY Are you kidding? I'm your boss. Your employer. You can't kill me. Robyn, would you like to talk to your client. ROBYN FURFY Oh, he's my client now. TED FURFY Of course he's your client. Sort him out. Tell him it's not polite to go around doing what he proposes to do. ROBYN FURFY He wouldn't. Would you? HARRY KOORIE I am warrior. ROBYN FURFY He would. HARRY KOORIE No. I am old. I have no strength. TED FURFY Thank God for that. HARRY KOORIE But I try. I have sword of Imperial Japanese officer. Now If I just...lift... sword... TED FURFY Robyn will you take the sword before he gives himself a hernia? What's with this guy. What nursing home did you escape from, grandpa. ROBYN FURFY Leave him alone, Ted. HARRY KOORIE (CRIES) Is no use. I fail again. Every evening I sit, face the sun and try to perform honorable harakiri. But I have no strength. Look. Not even a scar. ROBYN FURFY Why? HARRY KOORIE I'm old and feeble. ROBYN FURFY No, why try and kill yourself. TED FURFY Why try and kill me. HARRY KOORIE I try to kill you because I am a warrior. I try to kill myself because I am a failure. I come to this island to seek and destroy the enemies of my emperor. But the island is deserted. So. So I wait. When the enemy came I will destroy them. For forty years I wait, and no one came. ROBYN FURFY But the war ended in 1945. You could have gone home. HARRY KOORIE Defeated? Disgraced? Rather I would die in battle. ROBYN FURFY Nobody is going to fight you. HARRY KOORIE Then all that is left is honorable suicide. TED FURFY You could try sharpening the blade. HARRY KOORIE I have not the strength. (CRIES) TED FURFY Want me to give you a hand? ROBYN FURFY Ted! We've got to get some help. TED FURFY Alright. I'll carry him. You bring the Ben Miller records. F.X. QUICK BRIDGE. PUSHING THROUGH JUNGLE. SCENE 5 ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE. ROBYN FURFY Come on Ted. TED FURFY It's no use. I can't go on. We're lost in this hellish jungle. We'll never find the tourist complex. Will we ever see civilization again? ROBYN FURFY The complex is just through this next bit. Wait here. I'll get help. F.X. SHE MOVES OFF PUSHING THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH. TED FURFY Wait, Robyn don't leave me. Gone. I'm all alone in the jungle. HARRY KOORIE Soon you die. TED FURFY With a senile senior citizen. I'm not cut out for this. Give me Pitt Street any day. Even in peak hour. Damn the jungle. They can log the lot of it for all I care. I'd give a fortune to see a housing development. Or hear the sound of a lawn mower. You won't even get me in the Domain after this. CORA ENTERS. CORA Hello, what are you doing here you white heap of dung. TED FURFY Thank god. A fellow human being. CORA Get away from me whitey. Who knows where you been. TED FURFY Help me please. You've got to get me out of this jungle. CORA You've got to be kidding. There wouldn't be an acre of jungle on the whole island. TED FURFY Oh. Well it seems a lot. CORA You're a city fella, aren't cha. TED FURFY What of it. CORA It explains a lot. Us Koorie know something you white fellas have just about forgotten. TED FURFY What? CORA See those long white things hanging under your arse? They're for walking. TED FURFY Legs? I know that. CORA You want to get out of the jungle. You just walk. TED FURFY Yes, but which way? CORA Any way you like. TED FURFY This way? CORA You could go that way. I wouldn't. TED FURFY Why not? CORA That end of the island is a toxic dump. You wouldn't last five minutes there. TED FURFY Well that way. CORA You could go that way. I wouldn't. TED FURFY Why not? CORA That's down to the beach. TED FURFY That sounds alright to me. Golden sands. Sparkling tropic waters. CORA The beach is covered in tar from the oil spills. TED FURFY I could swim. CORA If the stone fish don't get you the box jelly fish will. TED FURFY Well we're gradually narrowing it down. How about this way? CORA You could go that way. I wouldn't. TED FURFY Why not? No don't tell me. I don't want to know. I go this way, right? CORA You could go that way. TED FURFY What's wrong with that way. CORA Nothin' much. Scorpions, spiders. That's about all. It's your best bet. TED FURFY The tourist complex is this way, right? CORA I wouldn't exactly call it a complex. More of a simplex. TED FURFY It had to be too good to be true. I've inherited a lemon. CORA No lemons down there, mate. Just turkeys. SCENE 6 THE TOURIST COMPLEX. TED FURFY Thank god. Civilization at last. Three days in the jungle. Berri Berri. Malaria. Foot rot. Bombay bum. ROBYN FURFY Hello darling. Finally found your way here, you poor dear. TED FURFY So this is the tourist complex. Not exactly the Hilton, is it? ROBYN FURFY Not exactly. TED FURFY No. Not remotely. Still it's got a certain something, don't you think? ROBYN FURFY Yes. Wood rot. TED FURFY No. It's got character. This is your typical oldy worldy colonial architecture. Banjo Patterson probably slept here. ROBYN FURFY ...and nothing's been touched since. TED FURFY Alright, it's a bit daggy. What's it like inside. ROBYN FURFY Ah. That's a problem. TED FURFY Not good, hu? ROBYN FURFY Worse. TED FURFY That bad. But we can make this place into something, Robyn. It's a foundation. Empires have been built on less. F.X. DOOR OPENS. ROBYN FURFY Ted, don't go inside. F.X. SOMETHING INSIDE COLLAPSES WITH A CRASH. TED FURFY I can see this place needs a lot of work. ROBYN FURFY The place really is a death trap. TED FURFY Nonsense. It can't be. * THE THROWS A STICK INTO THE BUILDING. SOMETHING ELSE INSIDE COLLAPSES AND ANOTHER CLOUD OF DUST DECIDES IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. ROBYN FURFY The place is full of wood rot. Absolutely chockers. TED FURFY It can't be. I've got plans for this place. ROBYN FURFY It is. Face it Ted. If your Aunt Beryl had offered you a choice of this island or a paper bag full of rancid alligator dung you would have been better off with the paper bag. TED FURFY You're right. CRIES. ROBYN FURFY Dry up, Ted. TED FURFY CRIES. Everything up in smoke. All my hopes. All my dreams. Poof. TED BLUBBERS. ROBYN FURFY Are you quite finished. TED FURFY You're right. I'm fine. I'm a modern man. I'm not ashamed to cry. But not to excess. I'm alright now. ROBYN FURFY Did you see the oil slick all over the beach? TED FURFY CRIES TED FURFY Im alright. I'm alright. I'd kill for a drink. ROBYN FURFY Inside. TED OPENS THE DOOR. THINGS CRASH. MORE DUST CHASES TED OUT OF THE BUILDING. ROBYN FURFY Use this. ROBYN HANDS TED THE SNAGGING POLE. IT'S A LENGTH OF PIPE WITH A LOOP OF WIRE PASSED THROUGH IT, AND A HANDLE ATTATCHED TO THE ENDS OF THE WIRE. PUT THE LOOP OVER THE NECK OF THE BOTTLE, PULL THE HANDLE SO THE WIRE TIGHTENS AROUND THE NECK, THEN PULL THE BOTTLE IN. TED FISHES A BOTTLE OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW. TED FURFY Uzo. I wanted beer. ROBYN FURFY Try the cellar. TED NOTICES THE DOOR TO THE CELLAR FOR THE FIRST TIME. TED FURFY Oh. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND INSERTS THE SNAGGING POLE. HE PULLS OUT A BEER BOTTLE. ELAINE (OFF) Wait wait wait wait wait. ELAINE EMERGES FROM THE CELLAR AND RESCUES THE BOTTLE FROM THE SNAGGING POLE. ELAINE You can't have this. TAKES BOTTLE. TED FURFY Why not? ELAINE Trinitrotoluene. TED FURFY What? ELAINE CH3C6H2 and 3NO2's. You've got to treat this stuff with a little respect. ROBYN FURFY I think she means TNT. TED FURFY As in bang? ROBYN FURFY As in Ker-boom. ELAINE I don't want to be stuffy, but stay out of my lab. TED FURFY Your lab. My cellar. I own this hotel. ELAINE Then you're Ted Furfy, the capitalist pig. You expect staff to work in conditions like this. TED FURFY The topic is; What are you doing with explosives in my cellar. ELAINE Never mind that. PUTS BOTTLE DOWN. Where's my back pay. TED FURFY Ay? ELAINE I haven't been payed since your Aunt died. Neither have any of the other staff. TED FURFY What other staff? ELAINE Me mum and dad. TED FURFY Who? ROBYN FURFY I'm afraid she's right, Ted. TED FURFY Don't buy into this, Robyn. ROBYN FURFY I've been reading the will. TED FURFY Oh no. ROBYN FURFY And it definately mentions staff employed on Aunty Beryl's island. Staff you now employ. TED FURFY Alright. ROBYN FURFY So why haven't my clients been payed in six months. TED FURFY Robyn will you stop looking to attack me all the time. ROBYN FURFY I'm not attacking you Ted. TED FURFY You are. You are. Every time I turn around you're trying to sue me. My own wife. ROBYN FURFY You can hardly expect me to stop practicing law just to massage your ego. TED FURFY My ego! ELAINE Excuse me. Can we concentrate on my back pay. ROBYN FURFY There are two other employees. Your mum and dad? TED FURFY And that's all. There's nobody else going to pop out of the woodwork I owe money to. ELAINE How should I know. Do you pay your bills? ROBYN FURFY Your mum and dad are? TED FURFY Yea. Who's your dad? HARRY KOORIE Hello. TED FURFY Oh no. ELAINE My dad. TED FURFY That'd be right. TED FURFY What's your name? Samurai Sam? ELAINE This is Harry Koorie. TED FURFY Harry Koorie? Why Harry Koorie. ELAINE Because he's an honorary brother. Anybody who want's to wipe out whitey can't be all bad. TED FURFY And I'm paying him? ELAINE He's the cook. TED FURFY You're kidding. He'll poison us all. HARRY KOORIE Say. That is excellent idea. ELAINE Yes. TED FURFY Who's your mother, Typhoid Mary? ELAINE Me mum. Cora. She's a full blood. You're not a racist scum, are you? TED FURFY Me? ELAINE Yes. TED FURFY Never. ELAINE Ha. TED FURFY It's true. I haven't got a racist bone in my body. HARRY KOORIE PICKS UP THE BOTTLE. ELAINE You look like a racist. You think like a racist. HARRY KOORIE TAKES A DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE. TED FURFY Hang on. Hang on. Let's wind the conversation back about three topics. Explosives. TNT. My basement. What were you doing with that stuff down there. ELAINE You see. You're persecuting me. TED FURFY Don't drink that. HARRY KOORIE Ah Saki. ELAINE Harry. How many times have I told you not to drink my TNT. CORA ENTERS. CORA You stirrin' again Elaine. ELAINE Just getting what's owed to us, mum. ROBYN FURFY It seems my husband owes you 6 months back pay. CORA Not me. You don't owe me nothing. TED FURFY Good. ROBYN FURFY But... CORA When I didn't get payed I sold all the furniture. TED FURFY What? RACES TO DOOR. OPENS IT. THINGS INSIDE COLLAPSE. A GALE OF DUST SWEEPS PAST HIM OUT THE DOOR. CORA I reckon we'd be just about even. TED FURFY Talk about asset stripping. Who said you could sell all my assets. CORA The manager. TED FURFY Oh did he. I want to meet this manager. CORA Hello. TED FURFY Oh god. CRIES. ROBYN FURFY Well things could be worse. TED FURFY How? ROBYN FURFY You only owe two lots of wages. SCENE 12 THE PUB VERANDAH. TED IS IN THE HAMMOCH. LISTLESS. UNSHAVEN. TORN SINGLET. SHAPELESS SHORTS. THONGS. BEER IN FOAM HOLDER. THE EPITOME OF A BEACH BUM. ROBYN FURFY When are you going to get off your fat... TED FURFY Forget it. ROBYN FURFY Ted. TED FURFY What's the use. ROBYN FURFY Every use. If you give up now you'll kick yourself. TED FURFY Anatomically impossible. ROBYN FURFY If anyone can make a go of this island, you can Ted. Ted. Think of the triumphs you've had in the past. The humanise Keating campaign. TED FURFY Yea. It almost worked, too. ROBYN FURFY You can do it again, Ted. TED FURFY Yea. Why not. What is this island after all but a marketing opportunity. PULLS ON SHIRT, TROUSERS, CLIP ON TIE. A marketing opportunity of unparalleled dimentions. A marketing opportunity just waiting for someone like me. Someone with my dynamic go-getter skills to come along and take it by the throat. I can do it. I can do it. ROBYN FURFY Of course you can, Ted. TED FURFY How. Look at this place. Toxic waste everywhere. The beach is covered with oil. The island's in the wrong ocean. CORA Half the island's radioactive. TED FURFY CRIES. It's hopeless. CORA I dunno. It looks kinda nice at night. Everything glows in the dark. TED FURFY CRIES, BUT STOPS IN MID CRY. Glows in the dark? CORA Yea. A lovely green colour. TED FURFY I can market that. I can market that. Robyn, our troubles are over. In no time at all we'll be rolling in dough. ROBYN FURFY Ataboy, Ted. TED FURFY It'll take a bit of doing. It'll take a bit of planning. But I've got it all worked out. I've got this fantastic idea. THE END

For any further information about this site, the plays, or anything else Fred, he can be E-Mailed @

willettfj@hotmail.com

Furfy's Island

Concept by F J Willett & Kelvin Butcher

copyright © 18-4-2001 Fred Willett