Willett FJ

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Thales

by F J Willett

was judged Best Unproduced Script in the
South Australian One Act Play Festival
at the
Adelaide Fringe Festival 1994.
The One Act Play Festival was organised and presented by The South
Australian Writers' Theatre with the support of Foundation SA

CAST:

Thales
Oestrogen
Anopholes
Pyrites
Alyates
Prolaxis
Cyaxares
Hitaxes

A FIELD IN ASIA MINOR AROUND 590 B.C. THERE IS A SMALL HUT, AND A WELL. THE STARS EMERGE. THALES ENTERS. HE IS ABOUT 30, GANGLY, POSSIBLY SHORT SIGHTED. THALES The problem is there are so many things to do. So much to study. The problem is where to begin. The stars? What is their nature? PICKS UP A CLOD OF EARTH. Or here? What is this? I divide it. It is still earth. Halve it again. Earth. Is there a point where it ceases to be earth. Divides, perhaps into some fundamental substance or substances. Something not earth. Something indivisible. Some essence? Perhaps the fundamental substance is earth. Something that lies dull in the hand, unsuspected. Or air. Who can deny the importance of air. Stop up the mouth and nose and death follows. Important yes. But fundamental? Or the fire that shines pure in the stars? THALES FALLS DOWN A WELL. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh! F.X. SPLASH. PAUSE. Or water. Water is a good candidate. It leaps from the earth. It pours from the air. Water gives life to plants and slakes your thirst. Of course, too much water and you drown. PAUSE. Help! Help! OESTROGEN COMES OUT OF THE HUT. OESTROGEN Who's there? THALES Help. OESTROGEN Who's that? THALES Me. I'm in the well. OESTROGEN Are you an evil spirit? THALES No. OESTROGEN Then what are you doing in my well? THALES I was looking at the stars. OESTROGEN You won't find many down there. THALES I was looking at the stars and I fell down your well. OESTROGEN That wasn't very bright, was it. I thought only philosophers were that stupid. THALES I am a philosopher. OESTROGEN Thought so. Thales, is it? THALES Get me out. OESTROGEN I'll get you out... For a fee. THALES You want me to pay? OESTROGEN Cash. In advance. THALES Pay to be rescued. That's immoral. It goes against every civilised precept. Why should I pay? OESTROGEN I'm up here. You're down there. THALES Get me out now. OESTROGEN Pay, or stay. THALES I have no money. OESTROGEN Then no one will miss you, will they. THALES You can't leave me here. I'm the most intelligent man in the world OESTROGEN So what are you doing in my well? THALES Damn it woman. I was thinking. OESTROGEN Then think your way out. PAUSE THALES You're right. I am a philosopher. A moments thought convinces me that you will help me escape from the well. OESTROGEN For a fee. THALES No. For free. OESTROGEN Never. THALES Within the next few minutes you will lower a rope and free me from this prison. OESTROGEN Yea. And pigs'll fly. THALES If you don't I shall poison this well. OESTROGEN Poison? What with? THALES With bodily excretions of the most vile sort. I'll pollute your well and render the water undrinkable. CRONESTES You wouldn't dare. THALES I will. CRONESTES Not my well. THALES Pull me up. CRONESTES No. THALES Just imagine. You're getting thirsty. The water tastes...different. OESTROGEN No. THALES The matter is becoming a trifle urgent. OESTROGEN Wait a minute. Don't rush me. THALES I should mention I have a bowel disorder. OESTROGEN Alright, damn you. SHE THROWS DOWN A ROPE. There' s no justice in the world. When a poor old woman can't make a few coins out of someone elses misfortune then what's the world coming too. THALES CLIMBS OUT. THALES Let this be a lesson to you, Oestrogen. Never tangle with a philosopher. OESTROGEN Bah. You're worse than a beggar. A penniless beggar. If you're so smart why aren't you rich? Tell me that, beggar. OESTROGEN EXITS. THE LIGHTS GRADUALLY RISE ON A NEW DAY. THALES She does have a point. People respect money, not knowledge. And few see the real glories of philosophy. What philosophy needs is some good advertising. ANOPHOLES AND PYRITES WALK PAST. PYRITES What the country needs is some rain. ANOPHOLES Lots of rain. PYRITES It will be a bad season again this year. ANOPHOLES A terrible season. PYRITES The olive harvest is bound to fail. ANOPHOLES Bound to. PYRITES No doubt about it. ANOPHOLES All the signs point to it. PYRITES All the signs. ANOPHOLES We had a chicken for supper last evening. The entrails told the story. PYRITES A bad harvest? ANOPHOLES The worst. PYRITES And no harvest means my olive press will be standing idle again. ANOPHOLES And mine. PYRITES It's a waste of capital. I'd sell it but there's no market. ANOPHOLES Sell your olive press? PYRITES Yes. What good is it just sitting there rotting. But then, who in their right minds would buy it? ANOPHOLES Yes. ANOPHOLES AND PYRITES EXIT. THALES You know, knowledge is all around you just waiting to be picked up. The weather for instance. I've kept a detailed record of how much it's rained every day, every month, every year for as long as I can remember. I must say there are times when it seemed to be a particularly useless kind of knowledge. But who's to say? Who's to say? OESTROGEN ENTERS Good day to you widow Oestrogen. OESTROGEN So how is the philosophy business doing, Thales. Well? THALES Frankly terrible. Few students. Less coin. I may have to get a job. OESTROGEN Work? Thales the great philosopher. Work? I don't believe it. THALES I may be great one day, after all who can fortell the future. But I am, for the moment, in need of a job. OESTROGEN Actually, Thales, what you really need is an investment more than a job. THALES An investment? OESTROGEN Definately. And I know the very thing. THALES Oh? OESTROGEN A business where there's not too much to do. Where there's plenty of time to think. THALES Sounds ideal. OESTROGEN In season it will generate you an income. The rest of the year you can devote to your studies. To thought. To contemplating the... the mysteries of the universe. THALES Widow Oestrogen, just what is this business? OESTROGEN The olive pressing business, Thales. Think of it. The olives are harvested. Four to six weeks work pressing the harvest then you're free to do as you like for the rest of the year. THALES You know, an olive press may be just what I need. OESTROGEN Exactly so. We'll find you a press and set you up in your own little olive pressing business. All we've got to do...Thales. I just had a brain wave Thales. Wait here. Don't go away. OESTROGEN GOES BEHIND HUT AND PUSHES OUT A VAT. I forgot I had this old olive press. I don't really need. I could let you have it. THALES You could? OESTROGEN For you, Thales, anything. I 'll let you have it for...two fifty. THALES Two fifty? OESTROGEN That's a bargain. THALES I could get a brand new press for half that. OESTROGEN Half that, maybe. But it wouldn't be run in, would it. THALES Run in? OESTROGEN Very important with olive presses. But I'll tell you what I'll do. Just for you. Seeing as how you're a philosopher, and an impoverished one at that, I'll give it away at... one seventy five. And that's a real bargain. THALES Well, I wouldn't know, of course. OESTROGEN Take my word for it. Thales, have I got an honest face? THALES Of course, dear lady. It's just that I seem to recall that last year wasn't too good for olives. Nor was the year before that. Nor.. OESTROGEN Which mean that next year will be great, right? THALES And I hear there are too many olive presses in the city. OESTROGEN Too many. Who's been telling you that cods wallop. Look. I'm not going to hide the truth from you. There are a few presses around. But that's an advantage. More presses sharing the load. You don't want to have to work too hard, do you. Are you with me Thales? THALES In a manner of speaking. OESTROGEN You sound doubtful. It's a big decision, and I can understand your hesitation. But this just the thing for you. Here. Let me sweeten the deal. One fifty and that's flat. I'm taking a loss doing it, but we'll call it a donation to the cause of philosophy. What do you say? THALES You think it's a good investment? OESTROGEN You can't go wrong. THALES Alright. I'll buy it. OESTROGEN You're a wise man Thales. THALES If you think I'm doing the right thing. OESTROGEN I'm sure of it. THALES I'll send for the press tomorrow. Good day widow Oestrogen. OESTROGEN Good on you Thales. It's a pleasure doing business with you. THALES EXITS. Sucker. ANOPHOLES AND PYRITES ENTER. ANOPHOLES Stuff me it's the widder Oestrogen. PYRITES Good day widow Oestrogen. ANOPHOLES You look happy, widder Oestrogen. Had your finger in the butter? OESTROGEN Just about. Just sold my olive press to that dill Thales for twice what it's worth. PYRITES Hang on. You sold Thales your olive press? OESTROGEN Yes. PYRITES That's funny. OESTROGEN Why? PYRITES I just sold Thales my olive press. ANOPHOLES And I mine. OESTROGEN \ PYRITES \ The bastard's cornered the market in ANOPHOLES / olive presses. THALES ENTERS. OESTROGEN Thales, you rogue. PYRITES What do you think you're trying to pull, Thales. ANOPHOLES You've got some explaining to do. OESTROGEN Why did you buy our olive presses. THALES I thought you didn't want them. OESTROGEN But you've bought every press in the city. THALES Oh no. You sold every press in the city. ANOPHOLES It's immoral, that's what it is. OESTROGEN Just what are you up to Thales? THALES Have you ever studied the pattern of the weather. No, of course not. You're not philosophers. PYRITES What are you saying. THALES There will be a record harvest next year. PYRITES Aaaah! ANOPHOLES How are we supposed to press the flamin' olives? THALES You can use my presses. ANOPHOLES Thales you're a life saver. THALES For a fee. A quite substantial fee, I think, don't you? Quite substantial. OESTROGEN You wouldn't, Thales, would you? THALES I would. PYRITES That's highway robbery, you unprincipled dog. THALES Think of it as a contribution to philosophy. ANOPHOLES I won't pay. THALES Then get your olives pressed somewhere else. ANOPHOLES There is no where else, you thief. THALES That's right, isn't it? ANOPHOLES I've half a mind to job you. THALES Would I rent you a press then? OESTROGEN Gentlemen, I see no alternative but to pay up. PYRITES I'm afraid so. I'll pay. (PAYS & EXITS.) ANOPHOLES Grudgingly but. (PAYS & EXITS.) OESTROGEN Thales, you got us over a barrel. (PAYS.) THALES An olive barrel, actually. OESTROGEN One thing, Thales. THALES Yes? OESTROGEN Do us all a favour. Stick to philosophising. OESTROGEN EXITS. THALES I intend too, widow Oestrogen. I shall found a school. (THALES PUTS A SIGN UP OVER THE DOOR.) Here the sharpest minds shall gather. Here we shall procede with the examination of the natural order. We shall learn from life's wondrous encyclopaedia. We shall consider the flight of the dove. The growth of a blade of grass. The course of the stars. All nature, all knowledge shall be our province. ALYATTES AND PROLAXIS ENTER. ALYATTES This philosopher... PROLAXIS Thales. ALYATTES Yes, Thales. He lives in this squalor? PROLAXIS It's a school. ALYATTES It's a pig sty. With a wine vat? PROLAXIS Olives, your majesty... ALYATTES I don't care who's it is. THALES Yes? Who is it? ALYATTES I am the king. THALES Which king? ALYATTES The king. Alyattes. King of the Lydian Empire. Fourth ruler of the house of Mermnad. Son of Sadyattes. THALES If you're king as you say, what are you doing in a pig sty like this? ALYATTES My wife said I'd do better to divine the entrails of a chicken. PROLAXIS I am Prolaxis, His majesty's general. Are you Thales the philosopher? THALES I am. PROLAXIS His majesty wishes to consult you about the forthcoming battle. THALES Ah!...What battle? ALYATTES The Medes under Cyaxares. They'll be here next Thursday. THALES How many men do you have. PROLAXIS About 8,000 by the time battle is joined. We weren't expecting them this year, you see. THALES And the Medes? PROLAXIS We estimate they have some 30,000 men. THALES And what do you wish to know? ALYATTES Can we win? THALES Probably not. No. Their troops, I take it, are battle hardened, well armed, highly trained seasoned campaigners. PROLAXIS Yes. THALES And yours are not. ALYATTES My soldiers are extremely loyal. The best in the world. PROLAXIS You're a philosopher, Thales. A thinker and a man of some practical skill in the design of unique instruments. Could you not turn your mind to the problem of war? THALES What? Make you a better sword? A longer spear? A bigger siege engine? PROLAXIS Something, anything to give us an edge. ALYATTES By next thursday. THALES I'm not a soldier. Do you think you snap your fingers to get knowledge? Do you think you laze under a tree and wait for apples of wisdom to fall on your head? No. You study. And study. And study. Long hours of close observation, of hard thought, of checking to see you've got it right. And at the end of it you get a little pearl of truth, maybe. And even then you have no idea if it is useful or not. I am not a soldier. Tonight I am studying the heavens. See that line of sticks on the horizon? There's another set over there. ALYATTES Sticks? THALES It is my observatory. With simple sticks you can measure the movement of the sun and moon with incredible accuracy. Did you know that? In fact with just these simple sticks I have been able to predict... to predict... ALYATTES The mans mad. Totally useless. I shall sacrifice a cow and have the priest divine the entrails. Perhaps that will tell us something. THALES Your majesty, perhaps I can help you after all. ALYATTES You? THALES Could you bring the battle forward. PROLAXIS Forward? We are ill enough prepared as it is. THALES March towards the enemy. Force battle, Not on Thursday, but on Tuesday next and the Gods themselves will fight on your side. PROLAXIS The man's mad. Mad as a march hare. THALES You sought me out, did you not? You sought some edge. Some advantage that would serve you in the coming battle, did you not? ALYATTES The kingdom depends on it. THALES I can give you such an advantage. But only on Tuesday. Only on Tuesday. ALYATTES AND PROLAXIS EXIT. OESTROGEN ENTERS. OESTROGEN You, Thales, getting involved in war? Somehow I can't see you as the brawny man at arms. THALES I'm not. No sane mad would chance his life on something so uncertain as the outcome of a battle. OESTROGEN Yet many men do. THALES From which we may conclude sanity is a rare commodity indeed. OESTROGEN And yet you side with Alyattes against the Medes. THALES You may be sure, then, I am as insane as the rest. Besides... OESTROGEN Besides? THALES As kings go Alyattes is a mild mannered meglomaniac. Cyaxares, on the other hand, is a professional tyrant. All he knows is hack and slash. All he can do is kill. You see, there's always a choice between bad and worse. OESTROGEN But what good will you be in the battle, Thales. When the enemy attacks and the spears are flying all around you, what are you going to do? Write the Medes a stern letter? OESTROGEN EXITS. ALYATTES AND PROLAXIS ENTER. ALYATTES Here is the place we will make our stand. Gather the army and form the phalanx. PROLAXIS As you command, Alyattes. ALYATTES It is the Tuesday you requested, Thales. Battle will be joined before mid morning. THALES Good. ALYATTES We should give a good account of ourselves. PROLAXIS The Medes have a mighty army. ALYATTES Mightier armies have taken the field and lost. If the philosopher is right, we have the Medes by the family jewels. PROLAXIS Philosophers are not soldiers, Alyattes. ALYATTES What say you, Thales? THALES Heed me and you will destroy the Medes. PROLAXIS The Gods preserve us. THALES At the height of the battle the forces of nature will intervene. We need only stand ready. ALYATTES We shall be ready. PROLAXIS Alyattes. Cyaxares, king of the Medes approaches. CYAXARES AND HIS GENERAL HITAXES, ENTER. CYAXARES Alyattes. ALYATTES Yes? CYAXARES I am Cyaxares. King of the Medes . Conqueror of Mannai, Urartu and Assyria and Destroyer of Nineveh. Deliver yourself to my hands or I shall leave your guts all over the field. ALYATTES While I live I bow to no man. CYAXARES You will bow to me. ALYATTES I doubt it. CYAXARES I will destroy your crops. I will burn your cities. I will slaughter every last woman and child of your miserable tribe. I will disembowel you and eat your entrails. ALYATTES Is your army that short of supplies? CYAXARES Nothing will save you, ALyattes. Not your old woman general. Not your great savant Thales. ALYATTES Perhaps. CYAXARES Look at your general, Prolaxis. That is not a warrior. I've seen more muscle on some of my wives. He's an old man. Senile. Give yourself a chance, Alyattes. Pension him off. Get him a white cane and a bath chair. Find yourself a real general. A warrior worthy of my spear. And this. The great Thales. What's he going to do? Throw books at my army? THALES If it will help. CYAXARES Never. (HOLDS ALOFT HIS SPEAR.) This wins battles. This drives the spear home. The force of arms is the basic law of nature. If you doubt it you will soon have your demonstration. THALES What good is a spear. It can only strike down the body. But the weapons of the mind remain. CYRAXES Bah! Kill the body and you kill the mind. I've yet to meet the man who can hold an intelligent conversation two minutes after he's dead. THALES But can you kill an idea? In which body does the idea reside? Or does it flit from body to body forever beyond the reach of your spear, until in the end the idea shafts even you. What good then has all your struggle accomplished? CYAXARES How would you like this rammed up your quoit? I see now the true worth of your sage. He seeks to bore me to death. I shall seek you out, Thales, in the aftermath of the battle and stake you out on an ant hill. That is a suitable end for a philosopher. Now, Alyattes. Your last word. Yield or fight. ALYATTES There is no chance of peace? CYAXARES None. ALYATTES Then let our armies meet upon the field. CYAXARES Excellent. To the battle. It's a nice day for it. CYAXARES AND HIS GENERAL EXIT. A LARGE SUN HOVERS OVER THE FIELD. SHOUTING OFF AS THE BATTLE IS JOINED. PROLAXIS Cyaxares attacks. ALYATTES Then we will defend. His army will break upon our phalanx like a wave upon the shore. Look. The phalanx holds. PROLAXIS The phalanx holds, Alyattes, but I fear we have lost many men. Our best among them. ALYATTES But Cyaxares suffers more. The field is littered with the corpses of his troops. We won that battle, Prolaxis. PROLAXIS Yet Cyaxares can afford the losses. We can not. Another victory like that and we'll win our way to defeat. ALYATTES Oh don't be such a sourpuss. Look. Cyaxares attacks again. PROLAXIS The phalanx holds. No. Yes. ALYATTES Can we re-enforce them? PROLAXIS With what? These men are all we have. We stand or fall with them. Cyaxares attacks again. ALYATTES The phalanx breaks. CYAXARES AND HIS GENERAL ENTER. CYAXARES Alyattes, you are defeated. ALYATTES Cyaxares, you do not have victory yet. CYAXARES I will have victory when I sever the head from your corpse. ALYATTES Yet I live. CYAXARES For the Medes! THEY FIGHT. THE SUN BEGINS TO ECLIPSE. GRADUALLY THEY BECOME AWARE OF THE CHANGE IN THE LIGHT. CYAXARES My eyes are failing me. HITAXES Look. The eye of heaven itself is closing. We are damned. ALYATTES Thales has invoked the presence of the Gods. Their wrath will fall upon you. CYAXARES Me? Why me? ALYATTES You have angered the gods with your assult upon us. THE ECLIPSE BECOMES TOTAL. CYAXARES But I serve the gods always. I never sought this war. I'm a peace loving man. ALYATTES You attacked me. CYAXARES I had no choice. You wouldn't surrender. ALYATTES And now the Gods will destroy you. CYAXARES Gods! Turn your anger from me your servant. ALYATTES Only peace will appease them. CYAXARES I seek only peace. I crave peace. I will give you peace. Do you think they can hear me? ALYATTES Look. THE SUN PEEKS OUT FROM BEHIND THE MOON. ALYATTES The gods approve. CYAXARES The Gods are content. There is to be peace between us. THEY CLASP HANDS. Pity. I could have beaten the crap out of you. ALYATTES Take the thought for the deed. Remember the wrath of the Gods. CYAXARES Yea. It's a damn shame though. I like a good fight. CYAXARES AND HIS GENERAL EXIT. ALYATTES Citizens. To fight a more powerful adversary to a stand still is a victory indeed. And much of the glory must go to Thales of Miletus. THALES IS FETED AND STOOD ON A BOX. THALES Thank you. Predicting the eclipse wasn't that difficult. ALYATTES You gave us peace. THALES Anybody could have done it. There is no monopoly on brains. There is no monopoly on intelligence. Knowledge is there, all around you just waiting to be picked up. Knowledge that imparts power. Knowledge that imparts wisdom. Of all the paths of human endevour the path of the philosopher is the most rewarding. In his hand the dust, the seed and the water are brought together to grow and flower down the ages. OESTROGEN Give it a rest, Thales. MOST OF THE CROWD HAVE WANDERED AWAY. OESTROGEN LEAVES TOO. THALES FINDS HIMSELF ALONE. HE TALKS ON. THALES And above us always are the stars. The earth. The stars. The earth. The stars. There are so many things to do. So much to study. Perhaps the best we can hope to achieve is to begin. The task is before us. Who knows what we may acomplish in generations to come. THALES EXITS. THE STARS REMAIN. END copyright (c) 1979 & 1999 F.J. Willett 49 Metala Rd Paralowie South Australia 5108 ph 08 8281 2524

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Thales

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