Willett FJ

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Sex Woolly Socks and the Great Bald Eagle

by F J Willett

Cast:
Victoria
Mafilda
Gloria
Emily
Tom
Constable

A HALL. THERE IS A TABLE WITH TEA THINGS, FOUR CHAIRS, A BLACKBOARD EQUIPPED WITH A PULL DOWN PROJECTOR SCREEN AND A LECTERN. FOUR GIRLS. ALL RATHER DOWDY AND OF INDETERMINATE AGE ENTER AND SIT. GLORIA TAKES THE CHAIR CLOSEST TO THE TABLE AND WHEN SHE THINKS THE OTHERS ARE NOT WATCHING SHE STEALS CAKES. THERE IS A PAUSE. VICTORIA GOES TO THE LECTERN. VICTORIA Girls. Girls. Settle down, please. Gloria. GLARES AT GLORIA WHO HAS BEEN CAUGHT LIFTING A TART. GLORIA Oh Victoria. GLORIA MOVES TO VICTORIA'S CHAIR. VICTORIA Thank you Gloria. Ladies. Welcome to this evening's meeting. We have the internationally renowned ornithologist and bird lover, Doctor Theodore Llewllyn Benning Smythe as our guest speaker this evening. Mafinda! (MAFILDA ADJUSTS HER BRA. VICTORIA GLARES AT HER.) His lecture will be entitled "The mating calls.. (WRITES ON THE BLACKBOARD.) ...of the wild bald North American ... The mating calls of the wild bald North American eagle. MAFILDA That will be nice. VICTORIA I haven't finished yet Mafilda dear. MAFILDA PULLS A FACE. GLORIA Do get on Victoria. I'm hungry. VICTORIA Well I shall if you will just pay attention. EMILY I so enjoyed the last meeting. Professor Moab was such a gentleman. VICTORIA It is unfortunate that Doctor Benning Smythe has only so short a time in Australia. We must count ourselves lucky indeed to have secured the time of such a distinguished member of the American Audibon society. I'm sure we all extend to him our warmest welcome. THEY ALL CLAP POLITELY VICTORIA SITS. PAUSE. VICTORIA RETURNS TO THE LECTERN. VICTORIA I forgot. EMILY You are silly dear. GLORIA I'm famished. VICTORIA Dear Doctor Theodore Llewllyn Benning Smythe called to say he would be a few moments late. After traveling half way around the world I'm sure we can not begrudge him a few minutes, for it is quite possible that his baggage has been lost in Bangalore, Karmaresh, or some other exotic port. But we do expect him instantly, and I'm sure we are all happy to wait. SHE SITS. THEY WAIT. GLORIA REMOVES A SMALL TART FROM HER BOSOM AND EATS IT. EMILY KNITS. MAFILDA FIXES HER LIPSTICK WITH AN INCREDIBLE TONGUE. ALL IS AUSTRALIAN VULGAR. TOM EVENTUALLY ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE LECTERN BEFORE HE IS SPOTTED. HE IS VERY SHY TO BEGIN WITH AND SEEMS TO WANT TO DIVE INTO ONE OF HIS GREATCOAT POCKETS. VICTORIA Dear Doctor Benning Smythe. TOM Just Smythe, Smith. It's pronounced Smith. Tom Smith. Have I got the right place? VICTORIA Of course you have. We've been so looking forward to your visit Smythe pronounced Smith. No Benning? TOM Smith pronounced Smith. No Benning. VICTORIA It's nice to meet someone with true humility. TOM You're sure I've got the right place? VICTORIA Yes, dear doctor Smythe...Smith. We have all been waiting for you. MAFILDA I'll say. TOM This is the "Sons of the Founding Fathers Institute?" VICTORIA That is correct. TOM And are you ladies just...ladies? VICTORIA Yes. This is Mafilda, Gloria.. TOM I sort of expected more men. All men, in fact. VICTORIA We have no..We could never have male members. MAFILDA We are all spinsters, you see. TOM But your title "Sons of the Founding Fathers"? VICTORIA That is just to show we're not prejudiced. TOM But you don't have any male...men. VICTORIA. No. We couldn't let any men into our membership. MAFILDA (WISTFULLY) You never know what might happen. TOM Oh well, I'd better... HE BREAKS FOR THE DOOR. EMILE INTERCEPTS HIM. EMILY We are so looking forward to your lecture, Dear Doctor Benning Smythe. You are such a gentleman. TOM My name is not... EMILY We are all so interested in the courtship rituals of stick insects. VICTORIA That's next week Emily. TOM You don't understand. I'm not really what you think I am. VICTORIA This week is the mating calls of the wild Bald North American Eagle. MAFILDA WE find all sorts of mating calls terribly interesting. TOM There's been a terrible mix up. GLORIA And after your lecture we've arranged a wonderful meal of scones and tea. I could eat a horse. Would you like one? TOM A horse? GLORIA A scone. TOM Thanks, but... HE SEES A CHANCE TO ESCAPE, BUT HIS NERVE FAILS HIM. ...I only take coffee. VICTORIA Please resume your seats girls. (THE GIRLS ALL SIT EXCEPT VICTORIA. SHE LEADS TOM TO THE LECTERN.) Gloria. (GLORIA IS AT THE CAKES AGAIN.) I'm sure you want to begin Doctor Smythe. TOM It's Smith. Tom Smith. VICTORIA Oh I haven't introduced Emily yet. Doctor Smith. This is Emily. EMILY Such a pleasure. THEY SHAKE HANDS. TOM WINDS UP WITH EMILY'S KNITTING WHICH HE HANDS TO GLORIA WHO PUTS IT ON EMILY'S CHAIR. VICTORIA Emily has established a world record for bulky knit woolly sox. Last year she knitted over five hundred and sixty pairs. EMILY No dear. Actually it was one thousand one hundred and twenty eight individual left hand sox. I'm afraid I don't do right hand knitting. I'm left handed, you see. TOM Oh. What can you do with one thousand one hundred and what ever... EMILY Twenty eight. TOM ...left hand woolly sox? EMILY Sell them to the army. The army takes all the left hand woolly sox I can knit. VICTORIA We must not take up Doctor Smith's time. Emily. I'm sure he wants to get on with his lecture. TOM No. No. I mean tell me, where do the army get the right hand sox? EMILY I don't know. But you see it doesn't matter. TOM No? EMILY My father was a general during the war and he told me that all soldiers have two left feet. Do you think he could be right? TOM I wouldn't know about that. GLORIA Perhaps they give them to soldiers with one wooden leg. EMILY What's that Gloria dear? GLORIA The socks, dear. Perhaps the soldiers have wooden legs. EMILY Then why would they need socks at all? GLORIA No, dear. If only one leg were wooden the they would only need one sock. EMILY But the wooden leg could be either leg. Some soldiers would require a left hand sock and others would want a right hand sock. GLORIA Well perhaps that is what the other person is doing. EMILY What other person Gloria? GLORIA The one knitting right hand socks for soldiers with wooden left legs. EMILY I wonder if I watered the roses? VICTORIA Would you like to start your lecture Doctor Smythe. GLORIA Last week Professor Moab gave us such an interesting talk. (EMILY SITS ON HER KNITTING. SHE JUMPS UP, RECOVERS HER KNITTING THEN SETTLES BACK DOWN. He told us how the European rabbit became established in Australia. EMILY I don't think I watered the roses. MAFILDA They breed so fast. GLORIA And eat so much. TOM Did he go into the care of domestic rabbits. VICTORIA In fine detail. EMILY I didn't water the roses. VICTORIA He began by describing the dietary requirements of the common rabbit, then went on to describe how they organize their social environment. EMILY I watered the zinnias. TOM Just a second, Miss Victoria. If you.. (TAKE THE LECTERN) ...and I (SIT DOWN) VICTORIA Of course. VICTORIA GOES THE LECTERN. TOM SITS. MAFILDA You'll enjoy this. She's an excellent speaker. VICTORIA The old world, or European rabbit, Cryotolagus Cuniculus, was introduced into Australia by the first settlers. Within the space of fifty years it had spread across the continent. Where-ever white men settled they found the rabbit already in occupation. Indeed you could say that Australia was explored and settled, not by the English, but by the rabbits. At 25 to 45 centimetres in length... MAFILDA Tell us about their mating habits. VICTORIA Really Mafilda we have heard it all before. GLORIA Would you like a cream cake? They really are excellent. (EATS IT HERSELF) MAFILDA Still I do so like the salacious bits. Even if it is only rabbits. TOM They are a world of their own. MAFILDA Of course I realize their is more to life than rabbits. TOM There is? MAFILDA Only the other day... (TAKES TOM ASIDE) ...I was reading all about it. TOM It? MAFILDA It this book. "Lucy's Lustful Life" TOM Can I read it? MAFILDA It's sort of like a mystery story. TOM A who-dun-it? VICTORIA I'm sure Doctor Smith would like to tell us about the American Bald Eagle. After all he is our guest. TOM. Oh no. I mean... VICTORIA You're so kind, Doctor Smith. TOM IS ESCORTED TO THE LECTERN. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. TOM Ladies... there is something I really ought to tell you.... (BUT HE CAN'T) The American Bald Eagle... The American Bald Eagle... The American Bald Eagle... is a bird.. As birds go it's pretty big. ...and bald. And it has... wings. It has two wings. One on each side. Most people wouldn't stop to count the number of wings on an American Bald Eagle, and it's this that distinguishes the true orno... ornorh.. That distinguishes the true bird watcher from the amateur. The truly dedicated bird watcher takes nothing for granted and counts the number of wings on the American Bald Eagle every time. It can be very important. If, for instance, the American Bald Eagle had only one wing it would only be able to fly in circles. EMILY Isn't that amazing. TOM The American Bald Eagle also... flaps. It flaps its wings when it flies along. Most birds flap their wings. MAFILDA Tell us about their mating habits, Doctor. TOM Oh, normal... you know. MAFILDA How do they do it? TOM Normally. (PAUSE) The female American Bald Eagle lies on her back with her wings apart and the male... It's perfectly normal. MAFILDA What sort of eggs does the hen lay? TOM Oh... egg shaped? VICTORIA Do they have speckles? TOM Only on the top of their heads... where it's bald. VICTORIA On the eggs? TOM Yes... er... no. It's more of a checkered pattern. VICTORIA Checkered eggs? TOM You can get all sorts of patterns on eggs. Sometimes even messages. MAFILDA Messages? TOM Yes. I found one the other day. It said "C0-op eggs". (HE SMILES TIMIDLY BUT THE JOKE DIES. HE THROWS HIMSELF ON THE MERCY OF THE COURT.) I... I can't hide the truth any longer. The fact is I'm not... I'm not a bird watcher. At least not strictly speaking. VICTORIA But Doctor Smith you came to us with such high recommendations. TOM The fact is I'm not a doctor of anything. VICTORIA But you did come to lecture? TOM Yes. But not about birds... At least different birds. MAFILDA What do you mean? TOM The fact is... I'm a peeping tom. MAFILDA No! (IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE) TOM Yes. But that's not all. I'm also a perverted peeping tom. Just last year I was elected President of the Association for the Advancement of Peeping Toms and Perverts. EMILY No. TOM Oh yes. EMILY You naughty man. MAFILDA We don't know that. For all we know he may be a perfectly decent pervert. TOM I am. I wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact I'm rather attracted to them, if you know what I mean. EMILY Get out. Get out, you naughty man. PUSHES TOM. VICTORIA Now Emily EMILY He does naughty things. MAFILDA How wonderful. TOM Let go. EMILY PUSHES A SMALL TART INTO TOM'S FACE. VICTORIA Emily, you're lowering the tone of the club. TOM Leave me alone you silly old biddy. EMILY Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, SHE MOVES AWAY AND TAKES UP THE BLACKBOARD INTENDING TO SMITE SMITH WITH IT, BUT THE BOARD IS BIGGER THAN SHE IS. SHE STAGGERS ABOUT HOLDING THE BOARD ABOVE HER HEAD. THE QUESTION IS WILL SHE GET TO TOM BEFORE HER LEGS GIVE OUT OR SOMEONE ACTUALLY NOTICES HER. VICTORIA Mr Benning Smythe. TOM It's Smith. No Benning. VICTORIA I can forgive your being a... TOM Peeping tom. VICTORIA And I can forgive your being a... TOM Pervert. VICTORIA But that does not excuse your language. How dare you call Emily a name like that? How do you think she feels? How do you think she'll react? TOM All I said was biddy. VICTORIA SLAPS HIS FACE. VICTORIA Oh I'm sorry. No. I can't be. TOM It's all right. It was the wrong thing to say. I'm very sorry. VICTORIA So you should be. I can quite understand the provocation you were under, but a true gentleman would still manage to control himself. TOM I quite agree with you. It's this sort of thing that starts the worst international conflicts. I may be perverted and perhaps a trifle queer, but may I be stricken down dead if I ever use such language again. EMILY STAGGERS WITHIN RANGE. VICTORIA You're such a noble... TOM Pervert VICTORIA Yes. TOM I'll try to make amends. VICTORIA I'm sure the best thing we could do is try and forget the whole incident. TOM Miss Victoria, the matter is completely erased from my mind. EMILY STRIKES AND LAYS TOM OUT COLD. EMILY Got him. SHE COLLAPSES INTO A CHAIR. GLORIA Well done. VICTORIA Oh Emily. GLORIA Have a lamington. (EATS IT HERSELF) MAFILDA What a waste. VICTORIA We must help him. MAFILDA Mouth to mouth resuscitation. VICTORIA Loosen his tie. MAFILDA Loosen his belt. GLORIA Call an ambulance. EMILY I didn't mean to kill him. GLORIA Is he dead? MAFILDA No. His heart is still beating. I think. GLORIA I've got a recipe for lemon tea that is excellent for consumption. MAFILDA Has he got consumption? EMILY I'll go for a doctor. TOM RECOVERS AND SHOOTS HIS HAND UP EMILY'S DRESS. MAFILDA No wait. He's recovered. F.X. Snap!!! TOM Ow!!! TOM PULLS OUT HIS HAND WITH A RAT TRAP AFFIXED. EMILY Help! Police! Rape! Murder! VICTORIA Now Emily. It's not as bad as that. (TO TOM) I'm shocked. I really don't know what to think. EMILY Murder! TOM I was dazed. That's it. I wasn't quite myself. EMILY Rape! Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! VICTORIA Do be quiet Emily. EMILY KEEPS OoooING. VICTORIA I hope this isn't your normal behavior, Mr Smith. EMILY Police! TOM No. Not normally. MAFILDA You're quite recovered? EMILY Police! TOM Yes thanks. MAFILDA Oh. Would you like a lamington? GLORIA Yes thanks. (TAKES IT) Shall we have tea? EMILY Policeee! A POLICEMAN POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR. CONSTABLE Hello hello hello. What's going on here then? EMILY Murder! Rape! GLORIA We're about to have tea. Would you like a lamington? CONSTABLE Don't mind if I do. (REACHES FOR IT, BUT GLORIA'S EATEN IT) GLORIA Would you like the recipe. They're excellent. CONSTABLE No thanks. To insubstantial for my taste. Now what's this about murder and rape, eh? EMILY Murder and rape. VICTORIA Really Emily. CONSTABLE And who might you be madam? VICTORIA I am not a madam. CONSTABLE I should hope net. I would have to run you in, wouldn't I? TOM I did it. CONSTABLE Did what? TOM I'm not sure. I was unconscious at the time. CONSTABLE Well then, how do you know you did it? TOM I demand to see my lawyer. EMILY This man is a lecher and a pervert. TOM That's not true. I'm a peeping tom and a pervert. CONSTABLE Is that so? Well come along. I've got a place for you down the station. VICTORIA You're going to take him away? MAFILDA Poor man. VICTORIA What crime has he committed? CONSTABLE Well when you put it like that. MAFILDA Have mercy on the poor man. CONSTABLE Mercy is not the business of the arresting officer. The person you want to see about that is the judge, madam. EMILY I want to see him persecuted to the last letter of the law. He's a naughty man. CONSTABLE Well if this lady is going to bring charges then there is nothing I can do but carry out my appointed duties. Come along. VICTORIA But what is the charge? CONSTABLE Good question that. Very good question. In fact it's the best question I've heard all day. VICTORIA You do have a charge. CONSTABLE Well if you put it like that... no. TOM I'm free. (KISSES THE CONSTABLE) CONSTABLE (WRITES IN NOTEBOOK) Kissing a police officer in the performance of his duties. VICTORIA Any complaint - if there is a complaint - must come from one of us girls. Is that correct? CONSTABLE I wouldn't exactly call you lot girls, however that is in essence a correct summation. EMILY I'll lodge a complaint. VICTORIA What? VICTORIA GLARES AT EMILY. EMILY WILTS. EMILY Well perhaps not. CONSTABLE Did this fellow actually murder one of you ladies? THEY ALL LOOK AT MAFILDA. MAFILDA I think he might have raped me. CONSTABLE Look, missus... MAFILDA Miss. CONSTABLE Either he did or he didn't. MAFILDA The thing is... (TAKES CONSTABLE ASIDE) ... I'm not quite sure what the word actually means. CONSTABLE What word miss? MAFILDA R...a...(LOOKS AROUND) p... E. PAUSE CONSTABLE Well I'll be on my way. GLORIA Have a lamington. EMILY You can't let him get away with it. What ever it was. CONSTABLE Have a lamington. CONSTABLE EXITS. EMILY Help! Police! Murder! Rape! Police! THE CONSTABLE RETURNS CONSTABLE If I have to come back again I'll put the lot of you in the boob. THE CONSTABLE EXITS. VICTORIA Really Emily Why are you so upset about Mr Smith. EMILY (IN TEARS) I did it for you Victoria. VICTORIA Why? EMILY After all the trouble your father caused you. VICTORIA But what has this poor man got to do with my father? EMILY I know he was your father, and he couldn't help it, and he did try so hard to be nice, but even so I know it pained you to have a pervert for a father, VICTORIA, No dear. My father wasn't a pervert. EMILY But you always said he was a pervert. A methodic pervert. VICTORIA I always said he was a parson. A Methodist Parson. EMILY Oh. That's not the same thing? VICTORIA No dear. It might be best if you leave Mr Smith. TOM Yes. It might be best. VICTORIA I'm dreadfully sorry about the mix-up. TOM It was unfortunate. VICTORIA But you can see how embarrassing the subject would be for us. TOM In some respects I suppose. VICTORIA I don't suppose you can help being what you are. TOM You make me sound like a leper. VICTORIA Perhaps in a better world. TOM Thank you. VICTORIA Oh it's not your fault. TOM But I don't consider myself sick. Certainly my attitudes are not shared by the population at large, but that doesn't mean that my being perverted is perverted. VICTORIA You must admit that it is not normal. TOM What is normal. Three quarters of the earth's surface is covered in water. Does that mean we are all fish? VICTORIA Of course not, but... TOM There are lots of prejudices against peeping toms and perverts, but how many people do we hurt? None. What damage do we do? None. People are quick to criticize and so overlook the positive side of peeping. MAFILDA Surely not. TOM Yes. Peeping tomism can have positive social benefits. Perversions can have therapeutic value MAFILDA How? TOM Well... fitness. GLORIA (SHUDDERS) Fitness? TOM There is nothing like a brisk walk through someone's geraniums on a frosty night to tone up the system. Standing among the zinnias and watching the carnal activities of your neighbours causes the adrenaline to start flowing in a most beneficial manner One returns home fresh, invigorated and crawls into bed with a great feeling of relief.. MAFILDA I didn't know it could be so rewarding. TOM I'm fully confident that sex will become the worlds next great spectator sport. EMILY Doctor Smith. TOM Mr Smith. EMILY Mr. Smith/ I... I want to apologize. TOM What for, EMILY For what I called you. And for hitting you. TOM That's all right You were quite justified. EMILY No. I must tell you. I misjudged you. VICTORIA Emily, what brought on this change? EMILY Victoria, I've seen the error of my ways. VICTORIA Oh? EMILY As soon as I realized he was a sporting man my heart softened. VICTORIA Emily he is not a sporting man. He does not play sport. EMILY No, Victoria, I knew he was a gentleman the moment he mentioned spectator sports. My dear lamented papa was just such a man. VICTORIA Emily. EMILY Killed in the pursuit of his one great passion by an inaccurately thrown been can during the Sturt versus Port Adelaide semifinal in 1826. VICTORIA Emily dear, Adelaide wasn't founded until 1836. EMILY He was an explorer (DEFIANT) And a sportsman. VICTORIA It's not that sort if sport. EMILY I know a gentleman when I see one. You poor dear man. TOM Thank you. EMILY Tell me do you play by yourself. TOM No. I play with myself. That's another problem. EMILY (LOST) Oh. TOM You see when it comes to bedroom sports I'm strictly a spectator. EMILY A True gentleman. VICTORIA Emily. MAFILDA He can't be as bad as he's painted. EMILY Oh no. VICTORIA A gentleman would not engage in those sort of activities at all. EMILY Victoria how can you say that about poor dear Mister Smith. VICTORIA Because it's true. EMILY Don't you dare attack Mister Smith, Victoria. I'll cry. VICTORIA Emily, get a hold of yourself. EMILY (WITH DIGNITY) There's nothing to get hold of. GLORIA Can we have tea now? MAFILDA Do stay for tea Mr. Smith. VICTORIA Really girls, we can't have a man like this in the club rooms of the Sons of the Founding Fathers Institute/ Mr. Smith. You'll have to leave. TOM I suppose you're right. MAFILDA That's too bad. TOM It was nice to meet you, ladies. For a few minutes there has been four bright rays of sunshine in my life. (BRUSHES AWAY A TEAR, THEN KISSES MAFILDA'S HAND) Adieu fair lady. (KISSES EMILY'S HAND) Think of me next time you eat a gingerbread man. (GLORIA EATS A TART SADLY) MAFILDA Emily, are we going to allow this poor man to be expelled? EMILY What can we do? MAFILDA We can fight. EMILY How? MAFILDA Put it to a vote. EMILY Yes. But Victoria won't like it. MAFILDA We need an overwhelming majority. There's our third vote. EMILY Gloria? MAFILDA Gloria. We can over rule Victoria. EMILY Gloria Will she stand with us? Can she stand at all? MAFILDA I think I can persuade her of the worth of our cause. EMILY Gloria? MAFILDA Gloria? (CALLING) GLORIA Mmmmmughfpt? MAFILDA Gloria, Emily and I want you to vote with us to allow dear Mr. Smith to give us his lecture. GLORIA I think we should have tea. MAFILDA Gloria this is important. GLORIA It's almost dinner time. (EATS NERVOUSLY) MAFILDA If you don't support us Gloria I'll take away all the fruit buns. GLORIA No not that. (EATS TWICE AS FAST) MAFILDA (SNATCHES AWAY THE TRAY) I'll hide them. You'll never find them. EMILY Oh dead. GLORIA My fruit buns. Give them back. MAFILDA All you have top do is vote for us. GLORIA Give them back. MAFILDA Will you? GLORIA Well. (MAKES A FINAL LUNGE) MAFILDA I might eat them myself. GLORIA No No. I'll vote for you. MAFILDA Good. GLORIA I'm not greedy, after all. MAFILDA Victoria? TOM I'll say good bye then. VICTORIA Excuse me. Yes, Mafilda? EMILY (TO TOM WHO'S LEAVING) No, don't go. VICTORIA Emily! MAFILDA Victoria, we want to put it to a vote. EMILY Yes. VICTORIA A what? EMILY A vote? Please? VICTORIA Very well. I thought that this was so obviously in the best interests of the club that it would not need discussion, much less a vote. I see I was mistaken. MAFILDA Dear Mr. Smith. Could you turn your back please. TOM OF course. Why? MAFILDA Our vote must be a secret ballot. EMILY Oh yes. MAFILDA And could you stop listening Mr. Smith? We'll have to put something in his ears EMILY We could turn off his hearing aid. TOM I don't have a hearing aid. EMILY You poor man. You can borrow mine. VICTORIA Put handkerchiefs in his ears. EMILY Yes. (SHE BLOWS IN HERS RATHER NOISILY. VICTORIA WON'T TAKE IT) MAFILDA I Have it. (SHE TAKES A LAMINGTON FROM GLORIA) GLORIA My lamington (...AND RAMS IT INTO TOM'S EAR) TOM My ear. MAFILDA There. EMILY What about his other ear. TOM It's all right. I'm deaf in that ear. EMILY Then how did you hear what I just said? TOM What? EMILY Are you sure you can't hear? TOM Quite sure. VICTORIA Girls we are voting on whether or not we should allow a self confessed... Uhm.. Peeping tom and... So on to continue to be present in these club rooms. Personally I'm against it and will vote accordingly. MAFILDA You didn't say that when you first found out he was a peeping tom. VICTORIA Naturally I thought we were all sufficiently adult to remain untainted by his influence. However later events showed that he was having an effect on some of our members. Emily for one. We all know that her understanding is something less than ideal. So when I saw her moving under the influence of that self confessed lecher... EMILY No dear. He's a pervert. A methodic pervert. VICTORIA Emily you have beenb a great dissapointment to me. EMILY But Victoria... VICTORIA Emily do you realize where an association with a character of this sort can lead? A man devoid of all sensibility. A man of unbridled lusts and foul corruptions? (EMILY SHAKES HER HEAD) He will lead you into all the worst evils and debaucheries. MAFILDA I've never been debauched. VICTORIA You will become a fallen woman. A creature of the night. An outcast. It might even lead to drink. EMILY (SNIVELING) But he seems such a nice man. VICTORIA No woman can feel safe with this monster about. MAFILDA Yes. EMILY But Victoria... VICTORIA Emily, you must vote to expel him. What would your mother think of you if he stayed? (EMILY CRIES ALL STOPS OUT) I call for a vote. MAFILDA Now just a... VICTORIA The question is... MAFILDA Emily... VICTORIA ...shall Mr. Smith be expelled from the club rooms? The ayes? VICTORIA AND EMILY PUT THEIR HANDS UP. MAFILDA AND VICTORIA GLOWER AT GLORIA. GLORIA What? MAFILDA Emily, who's side are you on? VICTORIA Gloria. Put you hand up. SLOWLY GLORIA'S HAND STARTS UP. MAFILDA Don't you dare. (GLORIA'S HAND DARTS DOWN) (TO EMILY) Take your hand down. (EMILY'S HAND STARTS SLOWLY DOWN) VICTORIA If you don't put your hand up I'll take all the lamingtons. GLORIA'S HAND SHOOTS UP. MAFILDA I'll take all your fruit buns. (TO EMILY) Don't you want to save him? GLORIA'S HAND COMES DOWN THEN OSCILLATES HALF UP AND DOWN ASA SHE LOOKS FROM VICTORIA TO MAFILDA. VICTORIA Gloria if you don't put your hand up this instant I will take away all of the trays. You will have no tea. GLORIA CAUTIOUSLY PUTS HER HAND UP. MAFILDA Gloria dear, if you don't put your hand down I will see you go on a diet. GLORIA Not that. (THE HAND COMES DOWN) MAFILDA A strict bread and water diet. VICTORIA Gloria... GLORIA It's not fair to crab at me like this. I don't know what you want. MAFILDA Yes Victoria. Leave her alone. VICTORIA Very well. I'll give you Gloria's vote. But it's still a tied vote. The chair decides. MAFILDA You haven't called out the no's yet. VICTORIA All those voting no. MAFILDA DIGS EMILY MAFILDA Emily, put you hand up. EMILY PUTS HER HAND UP WITH MAFILDA AND A STILL APPREHENSIVE GLORIA. VICTORIA Emily you can't vote on both sides. EMILY Well I... VICTORIA Aye it is. I'll put you down with the ayes. MAFILDA You'll do no such thing. Emily. PUSHES HER FORWARD. EMILY I... VICTORIA I'm sorry Emily voting for the ayes twice is not allowed. MAFILDA Tell her which side you're on. EMILY I... VICTORIA Yes Emily. Think very carefully what you're going to say. EMILY I'm voting no, Victoria. VICTORIA Very well. (PAUSE) EMILY Victoria? VICTORIA Sit down Emily. Mr. Smith is going to give us his lecture. THE FOUR LADIES SIT IN A ROW. PAUSE. VICTORIA MAKES NO MOVE TO LET TOM KNOW THE VOTING IS OVER, AND THE OTHERS, HAVING WON THEIR SMALL VICTORY ARE UNWILLING TO PUSH THEIR LUCK. THE PAUSE CONTINUES. FINALLY TOM STIRS AND REMOVES HIS LAMINGTON. TOM It's beginning to melt. (PAUSE) Can I turn around now? VICTORIA Yes, Mr. Smith. We are ready to hear your lecture. TOM My lecture. Yes. Well. I've started it, haven't I. I've told you some of the advantages of being a Peeping tom. Let me tell you some of the risks. MAFILDA The police? TOM No. Generally we perverts have quite a good relationship with the police force. In fact they provide some of our most loyal members. No. I'm talking of the real dangers that beset the path of the Peeping Tom, and the equipment that must be carried to combat these hazards. EMILY Tell me, Dear Mr. Smith, what are these hazards. TOM Well, for a start, rose bushes. MAFILDA Rose bushes? TOM Rose bushes. People put them in the most unexpected places and believe me, there is nothing more deflating that to blunder in among the roses in the dark and catch your,,, and find yourself caught. The pain can be quite excruciating. EMILY You poor thing. TOM It doesn't do it much good. So the first thing the professional peeping tom always carries is a pair of garden shears. Most essential. They free your extremities in extremities, EMILY (TAKING NOTES) Garden shears. TOM The second item that is always carried is a can of Pal dog food. You want to be quick with a can opener too, because some dogs get pretty hungry and if he's not eating Pal he might be eating you. MAFILDA How horrible. TOM It's surprising how fast some dogs can eat. EMILY ...can opener. TOM Another essential is a pressure pack can of window defroster. It's very handy on icy nights when I also carry a hot water bottle. (TOM PRODUCES EACH ITEM FROM HIS COAT AS HE TALKS ABOUT IT) MAFILDA Tell us about your perversion Mr. Smith. TOM You don't want to hear about that. EMILY Yes, dear Mr. Smith. Tell us about your conversion. TOM Our club also publishes a guide to all the best windows in Adelaide. It's very cheap Would you like to subscribe? MAFILDA What is your particular perversion Mr. Smith? TOM I'm sure you don't want to know that. MAFILDA Is it something terrible? EMILY Victoria's father was a pervert you know. TOM I really would prefer not to talk about it. MAFILDA Oh do tell us. EMILY I'm sure it's something nice. TOM Do you think so? I suppose it's how you look at it. MAFILDA Do tell us. TOM Well... EMILY Do tell us. TOM Very well. I'll show you. You'll have to stand over there. MAFILDA This is exciting. TOM Are you ready? MAFILDA Yes. Ready/ EMILY Yes. TOM FLASHES. HE IS BETWEEN THE COAT AND THE COAT LINING SO THAT WHEN HE FLASHES THE COAT APPEARS EMPTY. EMILY Eeeeeeeee!!! MAFILDA Eeeeeeeee!!! THEY RUN ABOUT. TOM FLASHES GLORIA. GLORIA Eeeeeeeee!!! TOM FLASHES THE AUDIENCE THEN VICTORIA AS THE OTHER THREE GIRLS RUN OFF VICTORIA DOES NOT REACT. TOM BEGINS TO REALIZE HE IS NOT FUNNY OR DARING, MERELY SILLY. HE DROOPS. VICTORIA That was childish. TOM I'm sorry. VICTORIA When I first met you I felt I was in the presence of a gentleman. I was wrong. TOM They did ask. VICTORIA You should have resisted the temptation. TOM Will you call the police? VICTORIA No. I bear you no malice. Please go. TOM GATHERS HIS THINGS. TOM Have you ever wondered why I do it? (PAUSE) I'm lonely. (PAUSE) It's no fun to be alone. VICTORIA So you terrorize women. TOM No. I only do it in the park. There's an old lady who walks her dog there. A Pekinese. I scare her out of her mind. But she keeps coming back for more. VICTORIA And she's the only one you've done it too? TOM Yes. Even that started accidentally I got caught short in the park on the way home from the pub and retired behind a tree when this old duck walked past. She saw everything and ran off screaming and dragging her little dog. VICTORIA Why did you continue to do it? TOM I wouldn't have. But the following night she was there again. VICTORIA You were ...er ...caught short again? TOM No. I was on my way home again and she was there waiting for me. She had her dog in her arms and she was all ready to run, and so help me, she looked at me so expectantly I didn't have the heart to disappoint her. VICTORIA So you... TOM So I flashed. And I've been doing it ever since. That's how I started as a peeping tom too. Looking through her window. But she never invited me in. I think she's a bit queer, you know? VICTORIA Didn't you ever think of marrying and settling down? TOM I tried. But what woman will tolerate a window between her and the man she loves? VICTORIA You didn't try hard enough. TOM Oh I did. But you can't take a woman dancing in a greatcoat and the waiters throw me out when I take it off. VICTORIA Haven't you go anything else to wear. TOM I've got a raincoat. THE CONSTABLE PEERS IN. CONSTABLE Good evening mam. I've received complaints of another disturbance. VICTORIA Yes. He went that way. CONSTABLE Right you are, mam. (PAUSE) Are you sure this is not the gentleman causing the disturbance? VICTORIA No. He's perfectly peaceful as you can see. CONSTABLE He seems to fit the description I was given. VICTORIA It must have been his twin brother. CONSTABLE Twin brother, eh? Have you got a twin brother sir? TOM Yes. He's my... Twin brother. CONSTABLE What's his name, may I ask, sir? TOM Ah... Smith CONSTABLE That's a common name. TOM It's my mother's name. CONSTABLE Busy woman, was she? VICTORIA If you hurry you can catch him constable. CONSTABLE Oh ho! Are you running away? TOM I think she means my brother. The twin brother. VICTORIA Yes. CONSTABLE Ah. The wheels of the law grind slowly, mam, but they grind exceedingly fine. He'll not escape me. There's ANZAC blood in these veins, and steel in this heart. Remorseless criminals tremble when confronted by this rock steady hand. (DIRECTS TRAFFIC) If you will indicate the direction in which the villain fled I will commence my pursuit. VICTORIA That way. TOM That way. (THEY INDICATE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS) CONSTABLE Thank you madam. Thank you sir. I'll be off. Duty becons as the saying goes. Ta-run, ta-ra, Ta-run, ta-ra. EXITS HUMMING TOM You saved my life. VICTORIA You need someone to take you in hand. TOM No. I'm used to my condition now. I don't think I could change. VICTORIA You owe it to society to try. You could be quite respectable if you just make the effort. TOM I couldn't do it on my own. VICTORIA You'd need someone to help you. TOM It would be difficult t reform me because I'm so set in my ways. It would take a woman of immense character and devotion. Even then it might be beyond her capacity. VICTORIA I'm convinced you can be saved Mr. Smith. We'll find you a woman with just such principles. A woman who is not afraid to tackle a hopeless case. A woman who will make a new man of you. TOM But think of the problems. I mean, I like you plan, I really do. I would like to reform my ways, but is it possible to find a woman with such strength of character. I really doubt it. It's impossible. I'll have to remain as I am. A hopeless lost cause. Alone. Forever. VICTORIA Wait, Mr. Smith. Women of real character are rare. Extremely rare. But your case is not hopeless. I do know of one woman. A woman of real character. An upright noble woman who might just be suitable. TOM Who? VICTORIA Myself. TOM Oh no. I mean I can't let you make such a sacrifice. I'm not worth it. But thank you very much. I'll be off. Good-bye. VICTORIA STOPS HIM VICTORIA It is a sacrifice. But I am determined to make it. I will reform you. TOM Thank you. But won't your friends object to me? I couldn't come between you and your friends. VICTORIA I think I can persuade them to accept you. TOM Oh. (DEFEATED) VICTORIA We might as well begin at once. I am your wife. TOM Oughtn't we to be married first? VICTORIA Dear Mr. Smith I have no intention of marrying you. TOM Oh. VICTORIA I could never marry a pervert. Perhaps when you're cured you might care to ask me again. TOM May I ask how you intend to reform me? VICTORIA I intend to show you the joys that a normal and healthy marital existence can bring. When you have experienced these joys I'm sure you'll never visit the park to air your short comings again. TOM Oh. VICTORIA Imagine the joys of the breakfast table. I have prepared your breakfast while you read the morning paper and now you are about to start on your corn flakes. THEY ACT THIS OUT MIMING THE BREAKFAST SCENE. TOM I don't like corn flakes. VICTORIA Nonsense. They're good for you. TOM I hate them. VICTORIA Dear, stop behaving like a child and eat your corn flakes. TOM No. Why should I eat something I don't like? VICTORIA Is this a criticism of my cooking. TOM I can't stand your cooking. VICTORIA So that's it is it? How dare you criticize my cooking. TOM Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I haven't tasted your cooking. VICTORIA You would have if we were married. TOM If these are the joys of a married life I don't want them. I'll stay an honest pervert. VICTORIA It's not always like that. Think of the joys of kissing your wife good bye as you go off to work in the morning. TOM I don't work. VICTORIA You would. TOM We are talking about the joys of marriage? VICToRIA Imagine you are kissing me good-bye in the morning. TOM I can't VICTORIA Well then try it. TOM What? VICTORIA Kiss me. TOM Do I have to? VICTORIA Yes. I insist. THEY KISS TOES TOGETHER, BODIES APART FORMING A DIAMOND. VICTORIA Didn't that make you feel... TOM What? VICTORIA You know. TOM No. VICTORIA You didn't feel anything? TOM No. VICTORIA Try again. (THEY KISS) (TOM CHECKS HIS POCKET.) TOM Nothing is happening. VICTORIA You must have felt it that time. TOM No. VICTORIA We are not going to give up. (THEY KISS) Sooner or later you're bound to feel something. (THEY KISS) It's not going to work. (SHE GIVES UP) TOM It might.. if we use this as a window. (HE PICKS UP THE BLACKBOARD FRAME AND HOLDS IT BETWEEN THEM. THEY KISS) Oh yes. I can feel it happening. It's a lot better. It's good. I can really feel it. My emotions are rising. My feelings are beginning to stir. Oh Victoria. It's good. It's wonderful. Yes. Yes. Take it off. Take it all off. DURING ALL THIS VICTORIA BECOMES INCREASINGLY ALIENATED, FINALLY SHE CAN NOT ENDURE IT ANY LONGER. SHE PULLS DOWN THE PROJECTION SCREEN/BLIND OB THE FRAME/WINDOW AND STALKS OFF. VICTORIA Sex maniac. TOM TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE. ON THE SCREEN ARE PRINTED THE WORDS. THE END (c) 25/9/87 All rights reserved in all media F J Willett 49 Metala Rd Paralowie South Australia Australia 5108 ph +61 8 8281 2524

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