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Diplomatsby F J Willett
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Diplomatsby F J Willett
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When the history of the glorious game of football is finally written there is one incident that will occasion more comment than any other. One incident where the game of Aussie Rules ceased to be the fine example of skill and sportsmanship that is it's usual hallmark and became instead a charnel house of thuggery and violence that carried the entire world to the brink of nuclear war. The incident is not generally known outside the diplomatic community. It seems that back in 19__ at the height of the cold war, the Australian Ambassador at the B________ embassy organised a social footy match amongst the various legations and embassies in the city. All the diplomatic community in B________ turned out for the game. The weather was fine, the ground was in good condition. Goal posts were improvised from a batch of 58 flagpoles that had been inadvertently ordered by the New Zealand embassy and for which no other use had been found. Then all was ready for the big game. It was then that the problems started to emerge. Just who should play on each team. The Russians didn't want to play with the Americians, of course. Because of their differences over the EEC the English didn't want to be on the same team as the French. The Egyptian Ambassador didn't want to play with the Israelis and so on. In the end the game was abandoned and the various Ambassadors enjoyed the rest of the afternoon in convivial arguement about who's fault it was, and whether there was any chance of the game being resumed. It might all have ended there if it hadn't been for an unfortunate personal clash between the Russian and US Ambassadors. The Russian Ambassador, (pictured here) was a career politician. He began his career as a stand-in for the gorilla with the Moscow State circus - a common starting point for a political career in many countries - and worked his way up. He was newly appointed to B______ (indeed this was his first posting as Ambassador) and he desperately wanted to make a good impression and the best way to make a good impression was surely by standing up to the chief lackey imperialist and bourgeois running dog. The chief lackey imperialist bourgeois running dog was, of course, the Americian Ambassador. Unlike the ambassadors from most other countries the Americian Ambassador had never been a stand-in for a gorilla (though physically he could easily have got the job), nor did he have any experience at circus work. In spite of these obvious draw backs the US Ambassador had proved himself eminently qualified for ambassadorial appointment by the size of his donation to the winning party at the previous US presidential election. He too had just taken up his post. In fact both men took up their posts on the same day, and both men hated each other intensly. Inspite of their mutual antipathy the two ambassadors had a lot in common. Both (unlike most ambassadors) believed unquestioningly the ideological rubbish disseminated by their respective governments, both had the proportions and intellectual capacity of a brick out house, and both loved sport. It was inevitable that they would, in this one area at least, work together to ensure the match was rescheduled. Nor was the Australian Ambassador blameless in this. He worked tirelessly, as did many of his staff, to ensure that the game of Australian Rules went ahead. And go ahead it did. Agreement was reached. The match was on. The flagpoles were rescued from storage once more. The teams, comprising the ambassadorial staff from over thirty countries were assembled. The game began. Unfortunately the particular incident that occured during the game which brought the world to the brink of nuclear war remains classified, and far from accepting any blame for the incident the Australian Government claimed to have pulled off a masterly piece of cold war diplomacy and promptly promoted all the embassy staff. The other nations involved, (over 30 of them) all maintain a discrete silence on the issue. In the several years that have elapsed since the incident not one diplomat has broken the veil of silence that has descended over that football match. The closest I have been able to come to an official comment was from the otherwise voluble Israeli Ambassador who's only comment was "Very unfortunate". All we can do now is wait till the relevant documents are declassified in about 30 years. |
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