"The Oz Files,"
by Capt. Janeway
SUMMARY: X-Files meets "The Wizard of Oz" . . . Written and directed by yours truly to ensure its insanity!!
RATING: G
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Nothing, really, although you should realize that this is the first of many chapters to come, therefore nothing is written in stone; suggestions as to how I ought to proceed will receive attention (I can't guarantee that they'll be used, but I will consider them.) Feedback is always strongly encouraged!!
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(Setting: On a dirt road in Kansas near Dorothy's house. Everything is filmed in black-and-white. We see SCULLY
SCULLY (in her own version of that famous "Distressed-Young-Judy-Garland" voice): Oh, Queequeg!
Are you all right? Did she hurt you?
(QUEEQUEG growls as ferociously as a poofy little Pomeranian can.)
SCULLY: Oh, that's right. I'm supposed to call you "Toto," aren't I? (muttering under her breath:) Stupid author had to change all the names . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a menacing voice from somewhere off-camera): Scully . . .
SCULLY (defensively): Well, it *is* confusing!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (again from somewhere off-camera): Okay, let's try that again. Remember,Scully, you DO NOT call him "Queequeg." It's "Toto."
SCULLY (walking back to where she started from): Yeah, yeah, whatever.
CAPT. JANEWAY (still off-camera): Okay, one-two-three . . . aaaaaand ACTION!
(SCULLY runs once more up the road, but QUEEQUEG decides to take a break and remain sitting on the side of the road, licking his right front paw.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera, very annoyed): Queequeg, tell me, who is the one who has the power to have a crocodile eat you again? (a slight pause, then:) Never mind . . . You are a dog, and therefore you cannot talk.
QUEEQUEG (in a little Pomeranian voice
CAPT. JANEWAY & SCULLY: WHAT?!?!
QUEEQUEG: You heard me the first time! And, anyway, Capt. Janeway, you are NOT as almighty
as you say you are . . . If you were, I wouldn't be mouthing-off at you right now!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, my dear Queequeg, you should not have done that . . .
(Suddenly, a crocodile lumbers onto the set. Both SCULLY and QUEEQUEG are trembling. The camera goes dark. Five minutes later, the camera flicks back on to reveal SCULLY and a Pomeranian
SCULLY (again with the "Distressed-Young-Judy-Garland" voice): Oh, Toto! Are you all right? Did she hurt you?
(SCULLY runs her hand along QUEEQUEG's back.)
SCULLY: No, but she tried to, didn't she?
(SCULLY pats QUEEQUEG's head for a few minutes, then:)
SCULLY: Come on, Toto! (she glances nervously over her shoulder:) Let's go tell Aunty Em and Uncle Henry!
(SCULLY runs the rest of the way up the road with QUEEQUEG right at her heels.)
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(Setting: At Aunty Em and Uncle Henry's farm. We see SCULLY and QUEEQUEG run up past the gate:)
SCULLY (calling): Aunty Em!! Uncle Henry!!
(The camera follows her to where "Aunty Em" and "Uncle Henry" are.
JIMMY: Why are they cheeping so much?
YVES (glaring at one chick perched on her wrist): I don't know, Jimmy er, Henry.
JIMMY: Maybe they want something to eat.
YVES (rolling her eyes with annoyance): We *already* tried to feed them, remember?
JIMMY: Maybe they want their mom.
YVES: Perhaps . . .
SCULLY (running up to them, breathless): Aunty Em! Aunty Em!! Do you know what Miss Gulch tried to do to Toto?!
YVES (muttering under her breath): I can't believe I'm doing this. (to SCULLY:) Dorothy, help us with these chicks.
SCULLY: But . . . but, Miss Gulch said she was--
YVES (in a tired voice): Dorothy, be quiet.
SCULLY (trying to get the point across that this is a life-or-death situation): But Toto doesn't *always* turn into an alien hybrid--uh, I mean, chase Miss Gulch's cat. Only once or twice or fifteen times a week!!
YVES (putting the chicks into the chicken coop): Dorothy, I really don't care about Toto or Miss Gulch, all right?
SCULLY: But-but--
YVES (angrily as she grabs JIMMY's chicks): Shut-up, Dorothy!!
(YVES drops the chicks into the coop, slams the door shut, and goes inside the house, with JIMMY following after her. SCULLY scoops QUEEQUEG up in her arms.)
SCULLY (holding QUEEQUEG very tightly): Oh, Toto, don't worry! I won't let Miss Gulch take you away.
(SCULLY wanders around the corner of the house to where the hogs are kept. There, we see MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER trying to fix a wagon. MULDER is under the wagon trying to look at something, SKINNER is eagerly looking down on the top of the wagon, and DOGGETT is chewing on a piece of straw as he replaces a wheel. All three are dressed as the three farmhands from the real "Wizard of Oz.")
DOGGETT (tightening a large bolt on the wheel): Okay . . . Almost got it . . .
SKINNER (eagerly): Now?
MULDER (urgently from beneath the wagon): No!!
SKINNER: Now?
MULDER: No!!
SKINNER: Now?
MULDER: No!!
SKINNER: Now?
DOGGETT (finished with the wheel): Sure, go ahead.
MULDER: NO!!!
(MULDER, unfortunately, is too late. SKINNER pushes very hard on the top of the wagon, and it comes down on the frame where MULDER's hand is. DOGGETT tries to stifle his laughter as
MULDER tries to free his hand, which MULDER eventually does and quickly rolls out from under the wagon.)
MULDER (angrily to SKINNER as he cradles his damaged hand): You idiot!! Couldn't you have waited TWO SECONDS?! You set that thing down right on my hand!!
DOGGETT (still chewing on his straw): Well, you should've got your hand out of the way.
(DOGGETT and SKINNER laugh and walk away to do something else. MULDER glares at them, and then does something else to the top of the wagon. SCULLY rushes up to him.)
SCULLY (hoping that if she sounds distressed enough, somebody will listen to her wail about what Miss Gulch threatened to do to Toto): Oh, Hunk! Miss Gulch said she was going to take Toto away!
MULDER: Hunk?
SCULLY (distracted): What?
MULDER (giving her an odd look): My name is "Hunk"?
SCULLY: Right, and Doggett's "Hickory" and Skinner's "Zeke."
MULDER: Doggett? "Hickory"?
(MULDER bursts into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (warning from somewhere off camera): Don't make fun of other people's names,
Mulder.
MULDER (trying very hard to stifle his malevolent laughter): Doggett?! "Hickory"?! This is one for the books!!
(SCULLY starts to laugh.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (still off-camera): Cut it out, both of you!!
MULDER & SCULLY (annoyed): Yeah, yeah, whatever.
MULDER (getting back into character): Dorothy, you're acting like you don't have brains.
SCULLY: I have too got brains!
MULDER: No you don't.
SCULLY: Yes, I do.
MULDER: Do not.
SCULLY: Do too.
MULDER: Do not!
SCULLY: Do too!
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from somewhere off-camera): Guys, cut it out!! That's not in the script!!
MULDER (glaring at someone off-camera, presumably CAPT. JANEWAY): If you had any brains at all, Dorothy you'd just stop walking by Miss Gulch's house. That way, Toto won't get into her garden, and you won't get into trouble.
SCULLY (frustrated): Oh, you just won't listen, that's all.
(SCULLY marches away with QUEEQUEG in her arms while MULDER works some more on the wagon. She sees SKINNER pouring some feed into the trough for the hogs, and she tries to get him on her side:)
SCULLY (whining): Oh, Miss Gulch is so mean!
SKINNER (confidently): Come on, Dorothy! You have to have a little courage.
SCULLY (doubtfully as she sets QUEEQUEG down on the ground): Courage?
SKINNER: Courage. The next time she gives you a hard time, just order an investigation uh, I mean, spit in her face . . . That's what I'd do!
SCULLY (getting up on the fence by the hogs and trying to walk across it): Hmmmm . . .
SKINNER: You just have to have courage. That's all.
(Suddenly, SCULLY falls into the hog pen and starts screaming as the hungry hogs surround her. SKINNER leaps over the fence to save her, but MULDER gets there first and shoves him out of the way. DOGGETT suddenly runs up and climbs over the fence; MULDER and DOGGETT start wrestling each other over who gets to save SCULLY. Finally, SKINNER gets back on his feet and picks up SCULLY, passes by the incredible fight between MULDER and DOGGETT, and climbs back over the fence to safety. The camera focuses on MULDER and DOGGETT:)
MULDER: I was here first!!
DOGGETT: So what?! I should be the one to rescue her!!
MULDER (picking up a large handful of mud): Nah-ah!!
DOGGETT: Yeah-huh!!
MULDER: Nah-ah!!
(MULDER throws the mud right into DOGGETT's eyes. DOGGETT shouts words that would make this fic lose its "G" rating as he struggles to get the mud out of his eyes. MULDER starts kicking a hog he thinks is attacking SCULLY. SKINNER and SCULLY watch from outside the hog pen:)
SKINNER (imitating a sports announcer): And Mulder is going left no, right!! He's strangling the hog!! But wait . . . Now Doggett's getting back up!! He got the mud out of his eyes!! He's going (wincing as DOGGETT picks up MULDER and throws him down on top of the hog:) Oooooh, that's *gotta* hurt!!
(YVES walks up behind SCULLY and SKINNER with a plate of fried chicken.)
YVES (annoyed): What's going on *now,* Zeke?
SKINNER: Uh, well, um . . .
SCULLY: We were just, um . . .
(But, back to the fight . . .)
DOGGETT: *I'M* GOING TO SAVE HER!!!!!!
MULDER: NO, *I'M* GOING TO SAVE HER!!!!!!!
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!
MULDER: ARE TOO!!!!!
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!!!!
MULDER: ARE TOO!!!!!!!
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!!!!!
MULDER: ARE TOO, ARE TOO, ARE TOO!!!!!!!!!
DOGGETT: ARE NOT, ARE NOT, ARE NOT, ARE NOT!!!!!!
(YVES rolls her eyes, then draws in an enormous breath:)
YVES (trying to yell above all the commotion): HUNK!!!!! HICKORY!!!!!! CUT IT OUT!!!!
(MULDER and DOGGETT freeze in mid-punches and give their full attention to YVES.)
YVES (giving a tremendous sigh of exasperation): Thank you. Now, if you two will just stop fighting, you'll see that I bought some KFC for dinner.
MULDER (walking out of the pen toward YVES): Ooooh, KFC!!
DOGGETT (hungrily as he follows MULDER out of the pen): Yum!!
SKINNER: Gimme!! Gimme!! Gimme!!
(The three guys swarm around YVES grabbing as much fried chicken as their hands can hold.)
YVES (to SKINNER as he shoves an enormous piece of fried chicken into his mouth): You certainly don't deserve the chicken, Zeke, after letting Dorothy around those filthy old hogs.
SKINNER (through a mouthful of chicken): But walla-waffa-walla-mmmmf
YVES: Oh, for crying out loud, don't talk while you're chewing!!
(SKINNER swallows his food.)
SKINNER: Sorry. Anyway, Dorothy was just complaining about Miss Gulch again. (proudly:) I told her that she just needed a little courage.
YVES: Very good advice, Zeke. Well, you three had better get back to your work, now.
(Suddenly, Diana FOWLEY
SKINNER: Speak of the devil.
YVES: Hello, Miss Gulch.
FOWLEY: Good day, Mrs. Gale. How are you?
YVES: Fine, thank you. What can we do for you?
FOWLEY (maliciously): I've come to get that dog.
SCULLY (panicking): No!! Not Toto!!
FOWLEY (angrily): He bit me this morning!! And that's the sixteenth time this week he's gotten in my garden and dug up my rutabagas!!
SCULLY (indignantly): Fifteenth!!
DOGGETT (whispering to MULDER): Is that Diana Fowley?
MULDER (whispering back): You better believe it.
DOGGETT (still whispering): Is she nice?
MULDER (whispering back): To me.
DOGGETT (glumly): Meaning that she's going to hate me.
MULDER: Probably.
SCULLY (to FOWLEY): Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?! I'm supposed to be singing one of the most popular songs of "The Wizard of Oz" right now!!! You're too early!!
FOWLEY: Ask me if I care!
YVES (very tired of all this): Look, Dorothy, just give her Toto already.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Fowley has to show you the injunction, first, Yves.
YVES (rolling her eyes): Oh, that's right. Well, Miss Gulch, let's see the injunction.
(FOWLEY pulls the injunction out of her pocket and proudly hands it to YVES. YVES glances at it, yawns, and hands it back to FOWLEY. SCULLY is nearly in tears now.)
YVES (bored): Dorothy, I'm afraid you're going to have to give Toto to Miss Gulch.
SCULLY (while FOWLEY does a happy little dance in the background): No!! No!! I won't give Toto to her!! Never!! Not to a woman who keeps me from singing my special song!!!
YVES: Dorothy, you don't want to break the law.
FOWLEY (stopping her dance): Yes, Dorothy, you don't want to break the law.
SCULLY (absolutely irate): Why, you wicked old witch!!! I'm going to sing my song whether you like it or not!!
EVERYONE, INCLUDING CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): NO, SCULLY!!!! PLEASE DON'T SING!!!
SCULLY (singing in a horrible voice): Sooooooooome-wheeeeeeeeere oh-ver the rainbow . . .
FOWLEY (screaming as she covers her ears): That sound!!! That horrible sound!!!
(FOWLEY faints. MULDER rushes to her side when SCULLY isn't looking. DOGGETT pulls a couple of blue earmuffs out of a large pocket. He gives one pair to SKINNER and puts the other pair on himself. YVES, who has been bothering me for some time about getting a pay raise for portraying Aunty Em, leaves with what remains of the fried chicken.)
SCULLY (still singing): . . . Theeeeere's aaaaaaaah land that I heard of . . .
MULDER (muttering to himself as he checks FOWLEY's pulse): And I thought her singing "Joy to the World" was bad enough . . .
DOGGETT (singing softly to himself as he stares at the toe of his shoe): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall . . . Ninety-nine bottles of beer . . . If one just happens to fall . . .
SKINNER (joining in with some quiet background music): . . . Then there's ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!!
SCULLY (calling to somewhere off-camera): Um . . . Capt. Janeway! I forgot the rest of the words to the song!! Do you have a copy of the script there I can read?
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
MULDER: . . . Then there's ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the wall!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, & MULDER: Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the wall!! Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer!! If one just happens to fall . . .
FOWLEY (waking up): . . . Then there's ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, & FOWLEY: Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!!!
Ninety-six bottles of beer!!! If one just happens to fall . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (walking on the set to join in the fun): . . . Then there's ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, FOWLEY, & CAPT. JANEWAY (all huddled together and
swaying back and forth with the tune): Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!!!! Ninety-five bottles of beer!!!! If one just happens to fall . . .
SCULLY (abandoning "Over the Rainbow" and joining the huddle in swaying with the tune): . . . Then there's ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, FOWLEY, CAPT. JANEWAY, & SCULLY (with great enthusiasm and full-blown background music): NINETY-FOUR BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE
WALL!!! NINETY-FOUR BOTTLES OF BEER!!! IF ONE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL . . .
(Confused, everyone looks around.)
DOGGETT (disappointed): There's nobody else to carry on the song!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: I could always write a reprise in somewhere . . .
SKINNER (eagerly): Could you?!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Sure!! I don't think it'd come for a while, though . . . Usually reprises come toward the end.
DOGGETT: That's okay.
FOWLEY: As long as we get to sing like that again . . . That was fun!!
SCULLY: It actually was more fun than singing "Over the Rainbow."
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, then, just let me make a note to myself . . .
(CAPT. JANEWAY pulls out a small notepad and a pencil. She scribbles something in it and shoves it back in her pocket.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, guys, well, that was really fun, but I have to go now. Thanks!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY walks off the set.)
MULDER: Well, what's next?
DOGGETT (clearly going off memory): Uh, well . . . I think Miss Gulch takes Toto away . . . and . . .uh . . . Let me see . . . (suddenly remembering:) Oh! Yeah!! That's right!! Toto comes back, Dorothy and Toto run away to see Professor Marvel, who convinces Dorothy to come back home. Then--
FOWLEY (rolling her eyes): Oh, brother!
SKINNER: Forget this!!
SCULLY: Let's just skip to the stupid cyclone already!!
MULDER: Twister.
SCULLY: What?
MULDER: In Kansas, they're called "twisters."
SCULLY (shrugging): Whatever.
DOGGETT (looking up at the sky, which now has ominous dark clouds): I think we're supposed to get in the storm cellar, guys . . .
SCULLY (remembering): Oh, right! And Queequeg and I foolishly stand right next to the window--
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Scully!! Don't give away the whole darn story!!
SCULLY: Sorry.
FOWLEY: What about me?
MULDER (loudly to make an impression on SCULLY): Oh, I don't know! Maybe I'll just leave you in the twister to die! (whispering softly in FOWLEY's ear as he walks by her:) The storm cellar's right next to the chicken coop . . . It's got a big green door, you can't miss it.
FOWLEY (whispering back out of the corner of her mouth): Thanks, Fox.
(Everyone except SCULLY and QUEEQUEG leave for the storm cellar.)
(Cut to: An Approaching Twister. It's getting closer and closer to Dorothy's house. The howling wind can be distinctly heard.)
(Cut to: Back with SCULLY and QUEEQUEG. The wind is blowing very hard, and SCULLY is
having difficulty getting into her house.)
SCULLY (calling loudly): Uncle Henry? Aunty Em!!
(She manages to get inside with QUEEQUEG and starts running down the halls:)
SCULLY: Uncle Henry?! AUNTY EM!! AUNTY EM!! WHERE ARE YOU?!
(SCULLY runs into the living room.)
SCULLY: UNCLE HENRY!!! AUNTY EM!!!!
YVES & JIMMY (sitting on the couch): We're right here, Dorothy!!
SCULLY (puzzled): What're you two doing here? You're supposed to be in the storm cellar.
JIMMY: We are?
YVES: Already?
SCULLY: Yes, we skipped over all that running away and Professor Marvel stuff.
JIMMY: Oh. Well, let's go, then.
(YVES and JIMMY exit, presumably to the storm cellar. SCULLY starts to run back down the halls:)
SCULLY: Uncle Henry?! AUNTY EM!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!
YVES & JIMMY (from somewhere outside, annoyed): We're right here!!
SCULLY (angrily): No, you're not supposed to answer when I call!! Just go to the stupid storm cellar already!!
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. We see MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER huddled together in candle light.)
SKINNER: Yeeesh . . . Who thought a storm cellar could be so dark and cold and damp?
DOGGETT: What did you expect? A five-star hotel? (suddenly, there is a loud THUMP!) What's that noise?
MULDER: Probably the door.
DOGGETT: Isn't it locked?
MULDER: No.
DOGGETT (annoyed): The whole point of being in a storm cellar Agent Mul--uh, Hunk, is to batten-down the hatches so the storm stays out there on the surface and doesn't get in here.
MULDER: I left it open for Diana--uh, Miss Gulch.
SKINNER (teasing): Still can't resist her even after she gets killed-off the show, eh, Mulder?
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up!!
DOGGETT (laughing): He's blushing!!
MULDER: I am not blushing!! How can you tell, anyway, with it being so dark in here?
DOGGETT (snickering): Oh, you don't need good light to see
MULDER (cutting-off DOGGETT): I am not blushing.
DOGGETT: Are too.
MULDER: Are not.
SKINNER (calling): Capt. Janeway!! Is Mulder blushing?
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera, willing to say anything to move this scene in a forward direction): Yes, Mulder is blushing.
DOGGETT (proudly): See!! Even the author thinks you're blushing!
(Suddenly, we hear another loud THUMP! FOWLEY comes down the stairs and into the storm cellar.)
FOWLEY (looking at DOGGETT and SKINNER, who still have little smirks on their faces): Did I miss something good?
MULDER (shortly): No, you didn't, Diana.
DOGGETT (in a very charming manner to annoy MULDER): Here, why don't you sit by me, Diana . . . We can snuggle-up together by the romantic candle light and whisper professions of our undying love for each other . . .
FOWLEY (giving DOGGETT an odd look): Uh . . . No thanks. (changing the subject:) I don't know about you guys, but I could really go for some pizza right about now.
MULDER: Pizza does sound good . . . Get one with lots of bacon and olives and cheese--
DOGGETT (cutting in): And pepperoni--
MULDER (continuing): And garlic and pesto and extra sauce--
DOGGETT: And pepperoni--
MULDER (ready to drool everywhere at the thought of all this food): And pineapple and ham and sausage--
DOGGETT (also ready to drool): And pepperoni--
SKINNER: But no anchovies. I'm allergic to anchovies.
CAPT. JANEWAY (hungrily from off-camera): Get one with nothing but sauce, olives, and cheese on top!!! It's the greatest thing in the world, I'm telling you!!
SKINNER (fishing around in his coat pocket): I think I still have my cell phone . . .
(There is a third loud THUMP! YVES and JIMMY enter the storm cellar.)
JIMMY (with a big grin on his face): Hey, guys!!
YVES (looking around with great contempt): I can't believe Capt. Janeway actually expects us to stay down here.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): I heard that!
FOWLEY: We were going to order a pizza.
DOGGETT: With pepperoni.
SKINNER: And no anchovies.
YVES (doubtfully): Pizza? You mean those Italian things that are dripping with oil and grease?
MULDER: Uh . . . yeah.
YVES (shrugging): It won't kill me to have some once in a while. Get me something light, though . . .
SKINNER: Does anyone have a phone book? I'm pretty sure Domino's delivers during twisters, but I'm not sure . . .
DOGGETT: You're sitting on one.
SKINNER (looking underneath him): Well, what do you know.
(SKINNER pulls out the phone book and starts to look for the pizza section.)
JIMMY (with that look on his face that he gets when he thinks he's come up with a good idea that in reality is very stupid): Hey!! I've got an idea for something we can do while we're waiting!!
YVES (not at all enthusiastic about the idea already): Really, Jimmy.
JIMMY: Yeah!! We can play "Truth or Dare"!! Won't that be fun!!
MULDER: It might be worth a try. We could be down here for a while.
DOGGETT (vehemently): Count me outta this one!! The last time I played truth or dare, I woke up the next morning in a dumpster. I still have no idea how I got there . . .
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Oooh, maybe it's an X-File!
SKINNER (flipping through the phone book): Hmmm . . . Domino's . . . Domino's . . . Where is Domino's? . . .
(Suddenly, a gust of wind blows out all the candles, making it pitch black in the storm cellar.)
DOGGETT (angrily): Oh, well, this is just great!! Now what do we do?!
(Cut to: SCULLY and QUEEQUEG in Dorothy's Room. SCULLY is very foolishly standing right in front of a window while she screams for "Aunty Em" and "Uncle Henry." Suddenly, the window is blown in by the wind and hits her head. She collapses
SCULLY (to QUEEQUEG): Toto . . . I don't think we're in Kansas anymore . . .
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What will happen to our friends (all right, some friends and a hated enemy) trapped within the dark confines of the storm cellar? Will they get a pizza? And what is this strange yet beautiful place filmed in lovely Technicolor that Scully and beloved dog Queequeg have stumbled upon?
For the answers to these questions and more go on to part 2