AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, a mega-super-duper-extra thanks to all the lovely people who reviewed the first chapter, both fans and first-timers . . . I loved the suggestions!! I've got everything pretty much planned out now (especially roles for the characters . . . I think Frohike
Enjoy Chapter 2!!
Capt. Janeway (the fanfiction author, not Kate Mulgrew)
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PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY: Aunty Em!! Aunty Em!!
*
DOGGETT: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall . . . Ninety-nine bottles of beer . . .
*
FOWLEY (rolling her eyes): Oh, brother!!
SKINNER: Forget this!!
*
SCULLY (screaming): AUNTY EM!! AUNTY EM!!
*
DOGGETT (annoyed): The whole point of being in a storm cellar Agent Mul uh, Hunk, is to batten-down the hatches so the storm stays out there on the surface and doesn't get in here.
MULDER: I left it open for Diana--uh, Miss Gulch.
SKINNER (teasing): Still can't resist her even after she gets killed-off the show, eh, Mulder?
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up!!
*
SCULLY: AUNTY EM?! UNCLE HENRY!!!! AAAAAAAUNTY EEEEEEEEM!!!!?!?!?!
*
DOGGETT (in a very charming manner to annoy MULDER): Here, why don't you sit by me, Diana . . . We can snuggle-up together by the romantic candle light and whisper professions of our undying love for each other . . .
FOWLEY (giving DOGGETT an odd look): Uh . . . No thanks. (changing the subject:)I don't know about you guys, but I could really go for some pizza right about now.
*
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh, sorry, folks . . . I ran out of quotes there . . . Hang on!!
*
DOGGETT (angrily after a gust of wind blows out all the candles): Oh, well, this is just great!! Now what do we do?!
*
SCULLY (to QUEEQUEG): Toto . . . I don't think we're in Kansas anymore . . .
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 2 . . .
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(Setting: With SCULLY and QUEEQUEG in Oz. They are walking around, looking at all the flora and fauna
SCULLY (mumbling to QUEEQUEG as she tries to get the goopy mess off her dress): Now I *know* we're not in Kansas . . .
REYES (smiling): Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
SCULLY: What?
REYES: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
SCULLY (offended): Excuse me?! I am not a witch!!
REYES (confused, but still smiling): Oh. Well . . . (pointing to QUEEQUEG:) Is *that* the witch?
SCULLY: Toto? No, he's my dog.
REYES (even more confused, the smile fading): Well, then, where's the witch?
SCULLY (also confused): What on earth are you talking about?
REYES (giving an exasperated sigh): The Lone Munchkins said that a new witch made a house fall on the Wicked Witch of the Northwest, (pointing to the house:) and there the house is, and here you are, and there's all that remains of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest.
(Cut to: All That Remains of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest. Only her legs can be seen sticking out from beneath Dorothy's house. The ruby slippers are on her feet, and next to them is a very full suitcase with stickers from various places in the Northwest such as: "Portland Native," "Washington State Beats Washington, D.C.," and "Go Redskins!")
(Cut back to: SCULLY, REYES, and QUEEQUEG. SCULLY looks shocked, REYES is smiling, and QUEEQUEG is taking a nap next to SCULLY's feet.)
REYES: So, what the Lone Munchkins would like to know is whether you're a good witch or a bad witch.
SCULLY: I already told you, I'm not a witch. Witches are old and ugly . . .
(From somewhere in the bushes, laughter can be heard.)
SCULLY (alarmed): What was that?!
REYES: Oh, that was the Lone Munchkins. They are laughing because I am a witch. I am Glinda, the Good Witch of the Southeast.
SCULLY (shrugging): Like I said, witches are old and--
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Scully, remember our agreement about giving Reyes a fair shot?
SCULLY: But--
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting-in from off-camera): Be nice. This is her first fic. (muttering to herself:) And with a little good luck it'll be her last . . .
SCULLY (grudgingly): Oh, fine. (she coughs loudly:) Ahem . . . "I beg your pardon, but I didn't know that there were beautiful witches."
REYES (smiling): Really? (a little too enthusiastically:) There are also some that eat little kids, and I once investigated this one really bloody case in Colorado where there was this witch who took--
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): Reyes, stay in character!!
REYES (a little embarrassed, but still smiling): Sorry. (to SCULLY:) Well, anyway, that's really all the Lone Munchkins wanted to know . . .
SCULLY: Who are the Lone Munchkins?
REYES: They're the little people who live in this land. (calling out to the Lone Munchkins:) It's all right!
You can come out, now!
(Mini-them's of BYERS, LANGLEY, and FROHIKE come out of the bushes dressed as Munchkins. They look at SCULLY and QUEEQUEG curiously as they circle around her.)
REYES (singing to the tune of "Come Out, Come Out," but having some difficulties reaching all those high notes):
Come out, come out,
Wherever you are!
And meet the nice lady
Who fell from a star!
She fell from a star!
She fell really far!
And Washin--er, Kansas
Is the name of her star!
BYERS, LANGLEY, & FROHIKE (repeating after REYES): And Washin--er, Kansas is the name of her star!
REYES (continuing):
She has red hair!
She's your witch preferred!
And when her house fell,
A miracle occurred.
(Music changes to: "It Really Was No Miracle." Now it's SCULLY's turn to sing:)
SCULLY:
It really was no miracle!
What happened was just this:
The wind began to mitch,
Did I mention I am rich?
Well, anyway, the hinges began to
Unhitch!
Just then,
A witch,
Who wanted
Th'winds to switch,
Went flying on her broom,
Looking for a snitch!
BYERS (realizing something): Wait a minute!! Stop the music!!
(The music stops.)
BYERS: Did that really happen, or are you just trying to come up with as many words that can end in "-itch" as you can?
LANGLY (angrily): Yeah!! How do we know that you're not lying to us?!
FROHIKE (mocking): Right . . . Like "A witch, who wanted th'winds to switch" really makes sense.
SCULLY (trying to think of a way out of this): Idunno . . . Ask Capt. Janeway.
CAPT. JANEWAY (defensively from off-camera): No way!! I'm staying out of this one!!
SCULLY (angrily): But *you're* the author!! You're supposed to know lots of things about this stupid fic!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Yeah, well, I don't know *everything*!!
SCULLY (frustrated): Oh, fine. Can we skip over this part, too?
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): All right . . . Let's cut to something else, then, to keep the readers interested . . .
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. It's pitch black, and so absolutely nothing can be seen. Suddenly, from somewhere within the darkness . . .)
MULDER (calling): Marco!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!
MULDER: Marco!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!
MULDER: Marco!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!
MULDER: Marco!!
SKINNER (angrily): Ow!! You stepped on my foot, Mulder!!
MULDER: Sorry. Anyway, you're out of the game, now, because I found you.
SKINNER: You stepped on my foot!! Pain doesn't mean out of the game!!
JIMMY (excitedly): Hey!! Neat!! That rhymed!!
YVES (annoyed): Jimmy, shut-up.
MULDER: You're out of the game!!
SKINNER: Are not!!
MULDER: Are too!!
FOWLEY (angrily): Let's just start over!!
JIMMY: Yeah, why don't we?
YVES: If there wasn't a cyclone and I could see where I was going, I'd have left all five of you imbeciles down here a long time ago.
FOWLEY: Ditto, except I'm not an imbecile.
DOGGETT (again with the mock charming attitude): Alas, my dearest Diana!! You would not abandon me, would you?
FOWLEY: Shut-up, you creep!
DOGGETT: Woah, wait a minute there . . . I've been called a lot of things in my lifetime: jerk, idiot, that guy with ears like Ross Perot . . . (indignantly:) But I am *not* a creep!! You just can't take a joke!!
FOWLEY: You are too a creep!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): No, he's not a creep!! He's . . . (realizing she'd better be quiet before she says something she may regret:) . . . Uh, he's . . .
FOWLEY (thinking that she's on to something here): He's what?
CAPT. JANEWAY (muttering from off-camera): Oh, never mind.
FOWLEY: Oh, come on, that's not what you were going to say!! There was something else, so say it!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a low, menacing voice from off-camera): You are *this* close to getting officially kicked-out of this fic, Fowley!!
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Yeah, right, like you'd really do that. You and I both know that you need me to play the Wicked--
CAPT. JANEWAY (panicking from off-camera): SHUT-UP, FOWLEY!!
MULDER: Oooooh, I think you hit a nerve, Diana. (eagerly:) C'mon, Capt. Janeway, what were you going to say about Doggett?
DOGGETT: Uh . . . guys? I think you should stop bothering her . . .
MULDER (triumphantly): Ah-ha!! I knew it!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!
DOGGETT (indignantly): I am not!!
MULDER (singing annoyingly): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!
FOWLEY (accusingly): Isn't that right, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY (trying to change the subject from off-camera): Weren't you guys supposed to order a pizza or something?
SKINNER: Well, *somebody* wrote in that a gust of wind blow out all the candles, so I couldn't look-up the number in the phone book.
DOGGETT: Hey, guys, cut it out!!
MULDER (singing again): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!
DOGGETT: Shut-up, Mulder!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): Yes, shut-up, Mulder!!
YVES (annoyed): Look, can we just get off this? Capt. Janeway, if you'll give us some light, we'll order a pizza, and forget about this whole thing.
MULDER: What're you, nuts?! I'm going to remember this for as long as I live, so I can constantly harass Doggett about it every time I come on the show!!
DOGGETT (sharply): Too bad your actor decided to leave the show . . .
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up, Doggett!!
(Cut to: SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, REYES, and the Lone Gunmen. They're sitting on a patch of grass, having a picnic.)
SCULLY (ending a very long story as she butters a slice of toast): . . . So that's who the *real* father of my baby is.
REYES (as she stuffs an enormous spoonful of potato salad in her mouth): Incredible!
(CAPT. JANEWAY clears her throat from off-camera in an attempt to get their attention. It doesn't work, however:)
FROHIKE (looking at his silverware): Hey, I got a question for you, Reyes.
REYES (through a mouthful of potato salad): Go fwor wit.
FROHIKE: Does the soup spoon go next to the regular spoon or the salad fork?
LANGLY: Oh, yeah, that one always gets me, too.
REYES (after she swallows the potato salad): Well, it's actually
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Guys, the cameras are rolling, the mikes are recording, but nobody's acting.
SCULLY (after taking a big bite out of her toast): Ooops.
BYERS: Sorry, Capt. Janeway.
REYES: I'll clean this up.
(REYES picks-up her wand, waves it around a little, and the picnic disappears. They get into their places for the next scene.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Very nice, Reyes. Thank you.
(Everyone stares at each other, not knowing what to do. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (annoyed from off-camera): Uh . . . If I remember correctly, you all have a song to sing.
REYES (remembering): Oh!! Yeah!! Lone Munchkins? Go get a carriage so we can parade Dorothy around. She has delivered Munchkinland from the tyranny of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest.
LANGLY: Uh . . .
BYERS: We're not sure how to tell you this, Glinda, but . . .
FROHIKE: We don't have a carriage.
REYES: What?!
FROHIKE (glaring at LANGLY): Well, *somebody* got the bright idea of racing all the carriages like they do in Nascar . . .
LANGLY (defensively): How was I supposed to know that the carriages weren't designed to undergo that kind of stress?
REYES: Oh, well. Let's just skip to the song. (She clears her throat:) "Let the joyous news be spread: The wicked old witch at last is dead!"
(Music for "Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead" starts.)
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while they carry SCULLY and QUEEQUEG on their
shoulders and march proudly march around): Ding!! Dong!! The witch is dead!!
BYERS: Which old witch?
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Diana Fowley!!
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!
Wake-up, you lazy bums!!
Shout it out!! Strike the drums!!
Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!
Diana of the Northwest, she met
A very odd end,
But, still,
We must thank Dor'thy!!
Ding!! Dong!! The merrio!!
Sing it high!! Sing it low!!
Sing it loud, Diana Fowley's dead!!
(Music switches to the "Fa-la-la-la-la" thing.)
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE:
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la
La-la-la!!
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la!!
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la
La-la-la!!
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la!!
(Suddenly, the music is interrupted by a plume of red smoke. BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE jump behind some bushes, leaving SCULLY and QUEEQUEG behind. SCULLY & QUEEQUEG immediately rush to REYES. Out of the red smoke steps . . . Diana Fowley!! She is complete with black clothes, a witch hat, and green makeup. She looks around, and sees the Wicked Witch of the Northwest's remains. She rushes to them while SCULLY whispers nervously to REYES:)
SCULLY: I thought she was dead?
REYES: No, no . . . That was her clone, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the Northwest. This is the original, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the North*east*. She's worse than her clone, I'm afraid . . .
FOWLEY (angrily in a witch's voice): Who killed my clone?! Who killed the Wicked Witch of the Northwest?
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. It is still very dark in there, and all is quiet until there is a loud knock on the storm cellar door.)
JIMMY: What's that?
YVES: Probably the wind, Jimmy.
JIMMY: No, it sounded like someone was knocking on the door.
MULDER: He's right . . . Anybody want to go answer it?
SKINNER: Not me.
JIMMY: Not me.
FOWLEY: Not me.
YVES: It's a task somewhat beneath me . . .
DOGGETT (annoyed): Why do you all have to be such wusses? I'll go answer it.
(We hear some shuffling, until:)
SKINNER: Ow!! Agent Doggett, you stepped on my back!!
DOGGETT: Sorry, sir.
JIMMY: Ow, Doggett!! You stepped on my hand!!
DOGGETT: Sorry, Jimmy.
YVES: If you dare to touch me again, Agent Doggett, I'll--
MULDER: Uh, that was me, Yves. Sorry.
FOWLEY: Ouch!! You creep, you kicked my nose!!
DOGGETT: Sorry.
(There is some more shuffling sounds, until suddenly there is a burst of light as DOGGETT opens the storm cellar door to reveal . . . a PIZZA GUY.)
PIZZA GUY: Dude, uh, did somebody, like, order a pizza?
DOGGETT (calling down to the others): Anybody order a pizza?
YVES (wincing from the light): Nobody ordered a pizza, Agent Doggett.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Uh, actually, I ordered the pizza . . . All this typing sure makes me hungry . . . And, anyway, I wanted to make Mulder stop harassing Doggett . . .
MULDER: Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!
(DOGGETT glares down at MULDER while CAPT. JANEWAY comes on the set to pay the PIZZA GUY.)
MULDER: Hey, wait a minute . . . Aren't you *Scully's* pizza guy?
PIZZA GUY: You mean, like, Dana? She is, like, *totally* the world's coolest tipper . . . This one time, right, she gave me--
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting him off): All right, we don't need to hear your whole life's story, now . . .
MULDER: YES, WE DO!!!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: No, Mulder. (she takes the pizza from the PIZZA GUY and slams the storm cellar door shut:) We don't.
MULDER: But--
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): All right, who wants pizza?
(Cut to: Back with SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, REYES, FOWLEY, and the Lone Gunmen:)
SCULLY: I didn't mean to kill her, honest!! It was an accident!!
FOWLEY: Uh-huh . . . *sure* you didn't. I can make accidents happen, too!!
REYES: Aren't you forgetting something, Diana?
FOWLEY (suddenly remembering): The ruby slippers!! Yes . . .
(FOWLEY stalks to her clone's remains, where the ruby slippers are. Before she can get the ruby slippers, however, they disappear, and FOWLEY's clone's legs shrivel-up and disappear.)
FOWLEY (angrily): The slippers!! They're gone!! You had something to do with this, Glinda, didn't you?!
REYES: Here they are, and here they'll stay.
(REYES points to SCULLY's feet, which are now wearing the ruby slippers.)
FOWLEY (to SCULLY): Give them back to me!! Give them back . . . They're of no use to you!!
REYES (to SCULLY): Don't give them to her! She wouldn't be such an annoying idiot if they weren't so powerful!
FOWLEY: You stay out of this, Glinda, or I'll fix you so you'll never hum like a whale ever again!!
REYES (laughing): Oh, no you won't. You have no power here, so be gone with you, before somebody else decides to drop a house on *you*.
FOWLEY (as she nervously glances up at the sky): Very well. (to SCULLY:) And as for you, my pretty, even though it is true that I can't use my power here, I'm going to make life a living--
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): This is a "G" fic, Fowley . . .
FOWLEY: --*heck* for you. You just *try* to stay out of my way, just try . . . I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!!
(FOWLEY cackles malevolently as she disappears in a plume of fire and red smoke.)
REYES: It's all right, Munchkins, you can all come out, now!!
(The Lone Gunmen cautiously come out from behind the bushes.)
REYES (to SCULLY): Well, I'm afraid that the Wicked Witch of the Northeast likes you even less than she did originally . . .
SCULLY (worried): Oh, but how can Quee uh, Toto and I get back home? We can't go the way we came!
REYES (deep in thought): That's true . . . (suddenly getting an idea) I know!! The President could help you.
(The Lone Gunmen bow reverently.)
REYES: If you complain about your problem enough, the President may grant your request.
SCULLY: The President? Is he wicked?
REYES: Oh, no, the President is very good, but very mysterious. He resides in his Pale Fortress on the Avenue of Pennsylvania in the Capital City.
SCULLY: The Capital City? That sounds so far away!
REYES: It is, but as long as you have your ruby slippers and follow the yellow brick road, you should be safe.
SCULLY: But--
REYES: Just follow the yellow brick road. (she hums a whale song as she begins to fade:) That's Killer Whalean for "Goodbye, Dorothy."
(REYES fades into a bubble again and floats away.)
LANGLY (relieved): Finally!! I thought she'd never leave!!
FROHIKE: You wanna talk about frightening women . . . There's your classic example.
SCULLY (walking with QUEEQUEG to where the yellow brick road begins): Follow the yellow brick road?
BYERS (while SCULLY takes a few steps on the yellow brick road): Wait, Dorothy!! How do you know that Glinda wasn't a member of the most covert organization in the world!!
FROHIKE: Like the CIA?!
LANGLY: Or the FBI?
(BYERS and FROHIKE give LANGLY an odd look.)
SCULLY (ignoring them): Follow the yellow brick road . . .
LANGLY: What is she doing?!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Just go along with it, guys . . .
FROHIKE: Oh, fine . . . Follow the yellow brick road.
BYERS (after SCULLY has taken a few more steps): Follow the yellow brick road.
LANGLY: Follow the yellow brick road.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Follow the yellow brick road!!
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while SCULLY skips along the yellow brick road with
QUEEQUEG at her heels):
Follow the yellow brick road!!
Follow the yellow brick road!!
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the yellow brick road!!
Follow the yellow brick,
Follow the yellow brick,
Follow the yellow brick road!!
(Music changes to: "You're Off to See the Wizard" while SCULLY continues to skip along.)
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE:
You're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,
Or maybe he still is!!
We're not sure because all those
Verb tenses really trip us up,
Because, because, because, because, because!!
Because we got F's in English class!!
You're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
(The Lone Gunmen wave goodbye to SCULLY and QUEEQUEG as they skip away.)
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Who will be the first to receive a slice of pizza from the benevolent Capt. Janeway in the storm cellar?
Is Doggett really the Author's Pet? What will happen to Scully and Queequeg as they make the long and perilous journey to the President of the U.S. in his Pale Fortress?
Don't you dare do anything!! I mean it: Don't you dare breathe, eat, sleep, or drink ANYTHING until next weekend when I release the third chapter!!
But you don't need to wait! Click on the ruby slippers to see what happens next.