Anyway, enjoy Chapter 3!!
(MULDER: Author's Pet!! Author's
DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, MULDER!!!!!!!)
Capt. Janeway ;)
***********************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
REYES (smiling): Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
SCULLY: What?
REYES: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
SCULLY (offended): Excuse me?! I am not a witch!!
*
SCULLY: Who are the Lone Munchkins?
REYES: They're the little people who live in this land.
*
MULDER (singing annoyingly): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!
*
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while they carry SCULLY and QUEEQUEG on their
shoulders and march proudly march around): Ding!! Dong!! The witch is dead!!
BYERS: Which old witch?
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Diana Fowley!!
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!
*
SCULLY: I thought she was dead?
REYES: No, no . . . That was her clone, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the Northwest. This is the
original, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the North*east*. She's worse than her clone, I'm afraid . . .
FOWLEY (angrily in a witch's voice): Who killed my clone?! Who killed the Wicked Witch of the
Northwest?
*
PIZZA GUY: Dude, uh, did somebody, like, order a pizza?
*
REYES: If you complain about your problem enough, the President may grant your request.
SCULLY: The President? Is he wicked?
REYES: Oh, no, the President is very good, but very mysterious. He resides in his Pale Fortress on the
Avenue of Pennsylvania in the Capital City.
*
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing): . . . You're off to bug the President!! The President of the
U.S.!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 3 . . .
***********************************************************************
(Setting: On the Yellow Brick Road with SCULLY and QUEEQUEG. SCULLY is happily walking along when she comes to a fork in the road.
SCULLY: Follow the yellow brick road? Which yellow brick road?! (muttering to herself:) Stupid Reyes thinks she knows what she's talking about . . .
MULDER (as the Scarecrow): Excuse me, but that way's a very nice way.
(He points to his right. SCULLY looks up at him just as he freezes and becomes a plain old inanimate scarecrow again.)
SCULLY (shaking her head): I'm getting delusional . . . Scarecrows don't talk, do they, Toto?
(QUEEQUEG yelps.)
MULDER (continuing when SCULLY isn't looking): Although that way's nice, too.
(MULDER points to his left and freezes.)
SCULLY (looking up at MULDER): That's strange . . . I could've sworn he was pointing the other way
. . .
MULDER: And then there are some people who go both ways.
(MULDER crosses his arms over his chest so his right hand is pointing to his left, and his left hand is pointing to his right.
SCULLY: Why, you *did* say something, didn't you?
(MULDER shakes his head vehemently, then decides to nod it.)
SCULLY: What's wrong with you? Can't you make up your mind?
MULDER: That's the trouble: I *can't* make up my mind. I haven't got an actor--uh, brain. (sadly:) Only straw.
SCULLY: That's ridiculous! You wouldn't be alive without a brain.
MULDER (genuinely puzzled): I wouldn't?
SCULLY: You wouldn't, trust me. I'm a medical doctor.
MULDER: Oh.
SCULLY: Well, I guess we haven't exactly been properly introduced, now, have we?
MULDER (getting annoyed): Look, can we just get this over with? It's not like we're perfect strangers. I have officially kissed you *twice* now, not to mention the fact that everyone assumes I'm the father of your baby . . .
SCULLY: That's not true, Mulder . . .
MULDER: Where have you been, Scully?! Have you read *any* of the fanfiction that's been going around since Season Seven?
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a tired voice from off-camera): Character, guys. Stay in character.
MULDER (clearing his throat): I don't believe we have.
SCULLY (politely): Well, how do you do?
MULDER (smiling): How do you do?
SCULLY: Very well, thank you.
MULDER (scowling): Oh, I'm not doing very well at all.
SCULLY: Why not?
MULDER: Well, it's really kind of hard to be all perky and happy when a stupid fanfiction author has stuck a pole up your back . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): I heard that!!
SCULLY (genuinely sympathetic): Oh, that must be terrible!!
MULDER: It is.
SCULLY: Can't you get down?
MULDER: Well, I--
SCULLY: Oh, here, let me help you . . .
MULDER: That's really nice of you . . . Thanks . . .
(SCULLY goes behind MULDER and pulls a little lever on the pole down. MULDER comes tumbling off the pole, and rolls down the little hill until he lands in the yellow brick road.)
SCULLY: Oh, my goodness!! Are you all right?
MULDER: I'm fine. (after a moment:) Did I scare you?
SCULLY: Well, you are Spooky . . .
MULDER: Yeah, but did I scare you?
SCULLY: No.
MULDER (sadly): Oh, darn.
SCULLY: What's wrong?
MULDER: Well, see, that's another part of my complex web of personal problems . . . My parents are dead, my sister is missing, I can't investigate the X-Files anymore, I haven't got an actor, I haven't got a brain, *and* I can't scare any crows.
SCULLY (giving him an odd look): You sure do have a lot of problems, don't you?
MULDER: Tell me about it. (sadly:) Oh, I'm a failure because I haven't got a brain . . .
SCULLY: Well, what would you do if you had a brain?
MULDER: What would I do? Why, I would . . .
(Music for "If I Only Had a Brain" starts.)
MULDER (singing):
I'd investigate a flower,
Watch Cancer Man's friends cower
While they're dragged-off enchained.
(MULDER gets to his feet and starts to do a wobbly little dance.)
MULDER (continuing his song):
Oh! Criminals I'd be catchin',
Relationships I'd be patchin',
If I only had a brain!
I might learn to play the fiddle,
Sing a song 'bout a riddle,
And skip o'er the refrain.
SCULLY (singing as she joins him in the little dance):
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain!
MULDER:
Oh, I
Could tell you why
Krycek didn't die b'fore
Season Eight and let us get a little bored!
And then I'd sit
And think some more!
I would not just be a nothin',
My head all full of stuffin',
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry!
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain!!
(MULDER loses his balance . . .)
MULDER (uneasily): Whoa!!
(. . . And he falls backward. SCULLY rushes up to him and helps him back up.)
SCULLY (delighted): Wonderful!! That was so wonderful!! Why, if the scarecrows back in Kansas could do that, there's no telling what kind of an episode they'd do about it!!
MULDER (very interested): You really think so?
SCULLY: Absolutely!
MULDER: Where's Kansas?
SCULLY: Kansas is my home, and I want to get back there so badly that I'm going all the way to the Capital City to complain about it to the President.
MULDER (getting an idea): Do you think that if I complain about my problems, the President would give me a brain?
SCULLY: I don't know. (after a moment:) But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you were before.
MULDER: That's true . . . Oh, Scul--uh, Dorothy, could you take me with you to the Capital City to see the President?
SCULLY: Of course I could . . . (suddenly remembering:) But maybe you shouldn't come with me. I've got the Wicked Witch of the Northeast after me, and you might get hurt.
MULDER (proudly): I'm not afraid of anything . . . (proudness deteriorating:) Uh, except for fire. I'm scared to death of fire, especially after that whole thing about Phoebe Greene.
SCULLY: I don't blame you. That was a horrible episode.
MULDER (proudly again): But I'd face a whole army of Phoebe Greenes if it meant I could get a brain!
SCULLY: Well . . . In that case, I guess it wouldn't hurt.
MULDER: To Oz--uh, I mean, the Capital City?
SCULLY (happily): To the Capital City!!
MULDER & SCULLY (arm-in-arm as they do a happy little skippy-dance on the yellow brick road with QUEEQUEG at their heels while they sing):
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,
Or maybe he still is!!
We're not sure because all those
Verb tenses really trip us up,
Because, because, because, because, because!!
Because we got F's in English class!!
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
SCULLY (suddenly stopping, jolting MULDER to a stop): Wait a minute!! Which way do we go?!
MULDER (looking quizzically at the fork in the road): That's a very good question . . .
SCULLY: Capt. Janeway? Which way should we go?
CAPT. JANEWAY (unsure from off-camera): Uh . . . Try right--No!! Go left!! Go to your left!!
MULDER (suspiciously): Are you sure, Capt. Janeway, or are you trying to set us up to get lost and fill-up the rest of the space in this chapter?
CAPT. JANEWAY (coyly from off-camera): My dear Mulder, have I ever deceived you?
SCULLY: I don't know . . .
MULDER (vehemently): I am not trusting someone who likes Doggett better than me!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Fine, suit yourself. Just remember when you're lost in the middle of nowhere that I tried to help you two.
SCULLY: Mulder, maybe we should listen to her . . .
MULDER (grudgingly): Oh, fine.
(MULDER and SCULLY do their happy little skippy-dance down the left path.)
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Thanks to a little author's magic, all the candles have been re-lit, and everyone is huddled around eating pizza, including CAPT. JANEWAY.)
MULDER (through a mouthful of pizza): I better be getting paid extra now for doing two roles in the same fic, Capt. Janeway.
FOWLEY: Yeah, me too!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (not really paying attention to them due to the fact that she is reading a very thick book): Right, right, of course you are.
FOWLEY: *And* I want an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu . . .
(CAPT. JANEWAY looks up from her book just long enough to shoot FOWLEY a look of death.)
FOWLEY (wisely backing down): Or . . . Maybe not.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Thank you, Fowley. Remember, our goal is not to see how rapidly we can deplete my meager budget, but how *slowly* we can deplete it.
FOWLEY: Sorry.
JIMMY: This pizza's great!!
YVES (looking at the pizza box with disgust): I don't understand how you can eat this all the time . . .It's so greasy and fattening . . .
DOGGETT (reaching for his fifth slice of pizza): What's so greasy and fattening?
YVES: Agent Doggett, you're acting as if you've never had a decent meal in years!
DOGGETT (sheepishly): Well, that's kinda true . . . Ever since the tragic incident regarding my significant other occurred. I can't cook the way my significant other did.
CAPT. JANEWAY (trying to hide her jealousy): Significant other?
DOGGETT: Yeah. Chris Carter still hasn't decided who my significant other was and what happened to her.
MULDER: How do you know you had a significant other?
DOGGETT (giving an annoyed sigh): All right. Mulder, here's what I know about my past: I was in the NYPD, I was in the Marines, I had a son named Luke, and Luke was brutally murdered at some point in my life. Now, in order for me to have *ever* had a son, there must have been a significant other of some kind in my past to--
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting him off before he says something that nobody really needs to hear): Okay, Doggett, I think he gets the picture.
JIMMY: I wonder what happened to her.
DOGGETT: I hope I find out soon about all that . . . (he shifts uncomfortably:) I don't like all these gaps in my past.
FOWLEY: It's probably one of three things: (a) She died of a tragic disease, (b) She was murdered, (c) She was kidnaped and is missing to this very day, or (d) You two got a divorce and there's a lot of bitterness about it.
CAPT. JANEWAY: That's *four* things, not three.
(FOWLEY glares at CAPT. JANEWAY, but says nothing.)
DOGGETT: If I had my choice, I think it'd be (a). It would be something that nobody had any control over, and *certain paranoid freaks* couldn't try to tell me that she was abducted by aliens.
MULDER: I hope it's (d).
DOGGETT (dryly): It's so nice to know that you hope for such nice things in my life, Mulder.
MULDER (sarcastically): Only the best for a friend.
SKINNER (angrily): It better not be (d)!!
FOWLEY: Why not?
SKINNER: Because they'd make a whole episode about her coming back or something to interfere with Doggett's life!!
DOGGETT (shuddering): That would *really* make a pathetic episode.
SKINNER (muttering): Chris Carter better be reading this . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (putting her book down): Okay, guys, well, I think I should go back off-camera now . . .
YVES (suspiciously): Why?
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving an exasperated sigh): Because I just have to!
(CAPT. JANEWAY, with her book in hand, walks off the set. Suddenly, we see JIMMY bolt upright where he's sitting.)
JIMMY (nervously): Uh . . . Guys?
YVES (annoyed): What, Jimmy?
JIMMY: I . . . I think something just brushed my leg . . .
(He frantically looks around him, but the candles aren't bright enough for him to see well.)
YVES: It's just your imagination, Jimmy.
JIMMY: No, it's not . . .
MULDER (very enthusiastically): Did it have fangs? Was it Bigfoot?! Oh, for crying out loud, WAS IT MY SISTER?!?! WAS IT A CLONE OF MY SISTER?!!?!?!!??! WAS IT AN ALIEN?!?!?!?
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Cut it out, Mulder!!
MULDER (continuing): IT WAS THE ALIEN BOUNTY HUNTER, WASN'T IT?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, & YVES: MULDER!!!
MULDER (sheepishly): Uh . . . heh-heh . . . Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away there . . .
FOWLEY: A *little*?
JIMMY (panicking): Guys?!
DOGGETT: Yeah?
JIMMY: That thing that just brushed my leg a minute ago?
MULDER: Yeah?
JIMMY: It's still there!!
YVES (rolling her eyes): Let me see, Jimmy . . .
(YVES stoops down to have a look at JIMMY's leg. She seems to notice something strange, then realizes:)
YVES: Jimmy, you're sitting on the arm of a chair!
JIMMY (looking down): I am!!
(JIMMY positions himself correctly in the chair.)
JIMMY (pleasantly surprised): Hey, this is really nice and comfortable!
DOGGETT (squinting to see): I think I see another one over there . . .
SKINNER (standing to get a better look): They're all clustered around Jimmy . . .
MULDER: And they're all facing the same direction, too . . .
(Everyone gets up and sits in a chair.
ANNOUNCER (on the movie screen): Thank you for not smoking and for remaining quiet during the movie . . .
FOWLEY (whispering sarcastically): How does he *know* we're not smoking and talking during the movie?
MULDER (genuinely puzzled): I don't know . . . The screen must act as some sort of a telepathic conduit for the announcer . . .
SKINNER (in an angry whisper): Shut-up, Mulder! He might have something important to say!
ANNOUNCER (continuing): . . . And don't forget to stop by the Concessions for popcorn and soda . .
.
DOGGETT (sarcastically whispering to SKINNER): Oooh, that was a *real* important message, wasn't it?
SKINNER (angrily whispering to DOGGETT): Shut-up, Agent Doggett!!
ANNOUNCER (continuing): . . . Now, because this is a parody written by Capt. Janeway and therefore makes no sense whatsoever, we are allowing the audience to vote on which of the following movies they'd like to see--
(Suddenly, REGIS PHILBIN from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" appears on the screen. He shoves the ANNOUNCER off-camera and picks up where the ANNOUNCER left off:)
REGIS (talking as if he were hosting "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"): And here's tonight's fastest-finger question:
Which of the following movies do you want to see?
(A) "Return to Me," with David Duchovny and somebody else
(B) "Terminator 2," with Robert Patrick and some guy named Arnold
(C) "The Wizard of Oz," with a bunch of people from the 1930's
(D) "X-Files: Fight the Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson
(Suddenly, the ANNOUNCER comes back and fights with REGIS:)
ANNOUNCER: Stay on "Millionaire" where you belong!!
REGIS: Is that your final answer, idiot?!!?!
ANNOUNCER: Yeah!!
REGIS: Oh yeah?!
ANNOUNCER: Yeah!!
(ANNOUNCER turns back to the audience:)
ANNOUNCER: Well, anyway, use those keypads and decide.
(Everyone tries to decide:)
MULDER: "Return to Me"!!! Everyone vote for "Return to Me"!!
DOGGETT: No!! Vote for "Terminator 2"!! Mushy romantic comedies are evil!! Pure evil!! Go for
action!!
(Eventually, everyone votes.)
REGIS (after managing to shove the ANNOUNCER away again): You have chosen "X-Files: Fight the Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.
YVES (angrily): We did not, you liar!!
JIMMY: *I* voted for "Terminator 2"!!
FOWLEY (in a whiny voice): I feel disenfranchised!!
SKINNER: I voted for "The Wizard of Oz"!
MULDER (offended): You WHAT?!
SKINNER: Sorry, Mulder, but I had to vote my conscience.
MULDER: Diana, you voted for "Return to Me," right?
FOWLEY: No, I chose "The Wizard of Oz."
MULDER (panicking): Yves, you voted for--
YVES: No, I didn't. I'm in the mood for a little action . . .
DOGGETT (doing a little happy dance): Yes!! Ha!! Three to one!!
MULDER (angrily): I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!
(Meanwhile, the ANNOUNCER manages to shove REGIS off-camera for good.)
ANNOUNCER (breathless from fighting REGIS): Please . . . (pant!!) . . . enjoy our . . . (pant!! pant!!) . . . Feature Presentation.
(Exhausted, the ANNOUNCER collapses just as the screen starts to go dark. Suddenly, the opening notes for the X-Files theme can be heard:)
SKINNER (putting his hands over his glasses): Oh, no, *please*, no . . .
FOWLEY: Why wasn't *I* in the movie, Fox?
MULDER: I don't know . . .
DOGGETT (cheerfully as he points to the screen): Hey!! Look!! It's a caveman walking in the snow!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, yes, how delightful . . . Little does he know he will fall prey to the evil alien in the cave within a matter of minutes . . .
JIMMY: How come we don't have a movie, Yves?
YVES (annoyed): Because we got . . . Oh, be quiet and watch the movie!!
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, & QUEEQUEG somewhere along the Yellow Brick Road. They are obviously very lost:)
MULDER (loudly): We just *had* to listen to the fanfiction author who hates my guts, didn't we?!
SCULLY (looking around): Well, we can't be *that* far away from where we're supposed to be . . .
MULDER (continuing): I knew we shouldn't have listened to her . . .
SCULLY (shortly): Well, maybe you should have said something, Mister No-Brain!
MULDER: Hey, don't pick on my character!! The Scarecrow is a very good and noble person--
SCULLY: Who doesn't have a brain. (changing the subject:) Let's try to go back the way we came.
MULDER: Don't you have a map?
SCULLY (unsure): I don't think so . . .
(SCULLY digs through her little basket while QUEEQUEG decides to wander off-camera a little.
Suddenly, SCULLY discovers something:)
SCULLY (as she happily pulls it out of her basket): I *do* have a map!!
(SCULLY quickly unfolds the map and analyzes it very carefully while MULDER looks around.)
SCULLY: According to the map, we should have gone to some forest with a bunch of rude apple trees who don't like it when we try to pick their apples.
MULDER (sarcastically): Sounds like a nice place.
SCULLY (continuing): Uh . . . And then there's something about a Tin Man in here . . .
MULDER (puzzled): Tin Man?
SCULLY: Yeah.
(Suddenly, from somewhere in the bushes, we hear QUEEQUEG start to bark. SCULLY and MULDER rush to find QUEEQUEG.
MULDER: What is it, Queequeg?
SCULLY (looking up a little): Why, it's a man!! A man made--
MULDER (quickly cutting her off): Where? I don't see anyone.
SCULLY (surprised): Mulder, he's right in front of you!! It's a man!! A man made out of--
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Shut-up, Scully, before you ruin Chapter 4!!
SCULLY: Yeah, but it's a man!! I mean, not just any ordinary man, but a man made out of--
MULDER & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, SCULLY!!!!
SCULLY (getting very annoyed): Why won't anyone let me finish?! What's so bad about talking about a man made out of--
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): That's IT!!! I'm ending this chapter RIGHT NOW before you ruin Chapter 4, Scully!!
***********************************************************************
Who is this mysterious man that Scully is referring to, and what is he made of? Are our two friends and beloved dog Queequeg really lost, or was Capt. Janeway actually telling the truth? And what will become of our friends trapped watching their own movie in the storm cellar?
Tune in (or, actually, log-on) next time to find out what will happen in . . . BUM! BUM!
BUUUUUM!!! . . . Chapter 4.
What are you waiting for? Click those ruby slippers and get on with the story!
