Genetically altered teeny-bopper Britney Spears has stirred up another cloud of controversy recently when a press sheet made the rounds announcing the release of her latest single.
The song, “Jesus, I Want You (In My Body),” has everyone from the Christian Coalition to Mothers Against Drunk Drivers up in arms, and rallying to get the offensive tune banned from radio. Dozens of bonfires have begun popping up around the country for the express purpose of burning copies of the Constitution, and any Twain that happened to be handy, as well.
The general crux of the complaint seems to be that Spears has once again crossed the line between her purportedly chaste lifestyle and the lascivious—some might even say Satanic—lewdness of her stage persona.
Amidst shouts of “Trollop!” “Harlot!” and “Bitch!” last week, Spears stepped out onto the balcony of her Victorian castle to address her restless, proletarian subjects. “It’s only a song about wanting a deeper connection with my savior, Jesus Christ,” she contested, adding that, “I drink milk everyday and love to floss.”
However, her doughy eyes and buttermilk sentiments will only buy a brief window of time for the Spears camp to come up with a positive spin on the saucy new video for the single, which is already in the can.
The director, Pete O’Phelia, was available for comment after a recent arraignment hearing. “The clip is wonderful,” he stated, a wild streak of pain and shame in his eyes, “basically, Britney dry-humps the pew while taking a Eucharist, and does a striptease for the priest in the confession booth.”
A spokesperson at MTV has claimed that the video has been rejected, citing that it “just wasn’t sexist enough,” but O’Phelia seemed hardly dismayed. “We’ll just have to add some of the footage that was originally cut. Of the new version, let’s just say that she cleans the altar-boy’s pipe organ, shall we?”
Already, the effects of Spears’ influence are becoming evident. Church attendance among 9-13 year-old girls is up; however, statutory rape charges among the clergy are through the roof.
Originally printed 2.5.01
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