The People’s News Briefs
Bolshevik Boris Named New Mascot
Devout socialists everywhere are rejoicing in the wake of the news that CSULB’s mascot Prospector Pete will be replaced by a new, more socially conscious character. Effective beginning with the Fall 2000 semester, Bolshevik Boris, a champion for the people, will be in charge of rallying the masses and raising morale at all sporting events.
Long criticized for representing bloated capitalism at its worst, the greedy, gold-monger is not likely to be missed. The merciless demolition of Prospector Pete’s shameful monument is currently scheduled to take place in mid-June. A new statue of Bolshevik Boris distributing Big Macs to hungry children is currently being commissioned.
Boris’s halftime antics are reported to include launching Sputnik satellites into the home bleachers, breaking down class barriers, and battling free enterprise wherever it may rear its ugly visage. The latter will undoubtedly include everyone from those swine-peddling hot dog vendors to the fat rascals in the box office.
Strong among the rejected suggestions for new mascot were Stormin’ Stalin and Groucho Marx.
Class System Removed
An unanticipated byproduct of the recent campus revolution has throngs of frosh and sophomore pinkos reveling in their good fortune, and that of the Collected People, when the news broke that the university’s class system shall henceforth be null and void.
Dr. Friedrich Shmengels, Professor of Political Science and the catalyst for the idea, was available for comment. “The very notion of running an orthodox, Bolshevist revolution with our existing class system intact just seemed so absurd to me,” he said from his newly refurbished office. “Obviously, the only way to achieve true communism was to bring everyone, from the lowly freshman to the lofty senior, together at the same class standing.”
Although some upper division comrades are likely to be perturbed, these developments seem to be going over quite well with the younger Marxists. “Hey, if we are supposed to share everything, then that goes for credits too, right?” commented Katie Raskolnikov, a first year Biology Major. “Besides, this way I can graduate with a BS and an MS before next spring. I didn’t really wanted to hang around here for four years anyway.”
Sexton to be Embalmed, Enshrined After Term
In a move that is certain to warm the hearts of even the stoniest and most cynical socialists, current People’s President Toby Sexton has approved plans to have himself embalmed and put on display after the close of his term.
As this goes to print, the blueprints for Sexton’s Pyramid-shaped mausoleum are still being produced. The $17 million shrine is slated to replace the current location of the People’s University Student Union, a decision that has left many a comrade nodding and stroking his beard in concurrence.
When asked to comment on his impending glory, the People’s President was short on words, but long on wisdom. “I truly believe that this could be the missing link that gives this school the kind of hype and spirit that it needs to really succeed. It’s a great idea—I think that we got it from one of the Beatles.”
Furthermore, Sexton was asked how he felt about being prematurely put to death for the greater benefit of his comrades. “You know, I would have liked to live out the rest of my life naturally,” he began, “but it’s my duty to do the will of my people. They’re even letting me pick how I go. I’m choosing asphyxia for, er, personal reasons.”
The body will require near-constant supervision, so University officials are already looking into private security firms. Also, Sexton’s brain is to be donated to the science department where it will be sliced into some 80,000 pieces for microscope slides.
Nuclear Scare In Peterson Hall
Fearing a possible Chernobyl on campus, officials sealed off Peterson’s Halls of Science last Wednesday. All students in the PH1 and PH3 buildings were evacuated, but those in PH2 were forced at gunpoint to remain in their classrooms to prevent possible radiation leaks.
The whole fiasco began when sophomore English Literature Major Vladimir Smith accidentally split a fingernail atom during a routine trim. Fortunately, the lead paint that coated the room contained the nuclear maelstrom that resulted.
“Apparently, Smith’s nail-clippers were extraordinarily sharp,” stated Pavel Johnson, the Secret Police detective who was in charge of the investigation, “at least until they were vaporized in the blast.”
What are Johnson’s theories on possible consequences? “Well, I’m no expert, but I can be sure that lethal doses of radioactive wastes reached the surrounding classrooms, which are probably slowly and painfully killing hundreds of kids as we speak,” the detective stated. “Furthermore, any persons within a five mile radius of the building contracted some sort of cancer or at the very least became completely sterile.”
Residents of the Parkside dormitories are warned to be cautious of nuclear fallout for the next few weeks.
By Comrade Lombardoff
Fact Reporter, People’s Union
Originally printed 5.8.00
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