Reports of Record Pedestrian Traffic—Is it Time to Widen the Crack?

     The inevitable byproduct of CSULB’s record population growth-spurt reared its repulsive countenance this past week as thousands of students experienced overwhelming overcrowding en route to class.
     Among the more catastrophic cases filed by the Campus Police this weekend were several claustrophobia-induced hysterical outbursts in the halls of LA5 and 23 known smotherings that occurred in unrelated riot-like instances throughout the week.
     However, the most pressing problems facing the multitudinous masses of the marching many have been the monumental foot-traffic jams that arise when too many people try to wedge through the tiny gap at the corner between the pay phones and the University Student Union.  Last Tuesday alone, student congestion caused an unfathomable back-up reaching all the way to Lot 14 and leaving many silently wondering whether they would make it to the lunch tables in time to “hang.”
     "Usually, it all starts when two friends see each other and stop to say ‘hi,’” offered Ben Felchin, one of the waiting faithful and a sixth year senior, “either that or someone too fat tries to squeeze through.  Then again, whenever a red fire truck or ambulance drives by, everyone slows down to rubberneck, too.”
     These events have led to a significant amount of discussion—supplemented by an endless supply of colorful charts and pie-graphs—that a second lane might be the answer.  Rumors from the ASI offices are that President Robert Garchiapet is looking into hiring some sort of traffic director.
     However, many advocates of the opening feel that too much tradition is at stake to try anything radical.  “Waiting to get through is kind of like an initiation,” declared Derrick Druganraper, a CSULB fraternity enthusiast.  “It’s like you’ve got to, like, pass through these nooks and crannies in education and life, and the crack is symbolic of all that stuff.”
     When asked why they don’t simply walk around the wall and avoid the wait, most people in line were too preoccupied with checking their messages or smoking to answer.  Those who did hear the question responded with a blank expression, and some even drooled a bit to punctuate.
     The worst is yet to come, however, when campus officials plan to shut down the gap for repairs in mid-October.

Originally printed 9.5.00

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