Gore and Bush Set to Debate
America’s Final Answer:  So What?

WASHINGTON—Finally relenting to pressure from the Democratic camp, simpering presidential contender George W. Bush has agreed to lock horns with his arch-nemesis Al “Testify” Gore in three debates scheduled to air on prime-time television.  The events, which will tackle current percolating policy problems like Napster and O.J.’s website, are slated to last 90 minutes each yet are expected to seem like eons.
     The lingering question on the minds of industry pundits is just how successfully will the candidates’ personalities translate on national television?  Specialists inside the rivaling parties are reportedly working around the clock on ideas to make their respective challengers more alluring to the short attention-spans of today’s pasty, channel-flipping voters.
     Hoping to ride the successful wave of “Reality” television programming, the GOP is reportedly close to approving a clause in Bush’s contract that would permit him to use three lifelines—“ask the audience,” “50/50,” and the ever-pivotal “phone a friend”— should a question prove too difficult to answer.  This course of action was implemented shortly after the Republicans learned that Bush would not be allowed simply to vote Gore off of his podium whenever the vice-president appeared to assume an advantage.
     On the other hand, the Democrats will be sticking to a more tried and true formula, and are currently in negotiations with former “Three’s Company” star John Ritter to play Gore’s wacky, gay companion.  However, according to Washington insiders, this is merely a hastily conceived backup plan after Bush refused to accept Gore’s challenge to hold a contest that would determine who could withhold from masturbating the longest, thereby establishing which potential president is the true “Master of His Domain.”

Originally printed 9.18.00

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