The Maxson Administration’s worst fears have come to a steamy boil of late, as certain irrefutable sources have connected the loveable and cuddly Dr. Maxson to an infamous, albeit dead, television icon.
Speculation began to run rampant this past Halloween when President Maxson, in an attempt to woo more corporate sponsors to CSULB, adorned himself in the traditional garb of Southern folk hero and fried chicken maven, Colonel Sanders. Complete with stringy black bowtie, white southern-dandy suit, and Maxons’s own “good ol’ boy” drawl, several gawkers remarked on the fact that he bore a striking resemblance to the late, great actor Sorrell Booke, otherwise known as that rotund and incorrigible Boss Hogg of “Dukes of Hazzard” fame. The vague speculation intensified to indistinct conjecture when Maxson tripped and fell into a nearby puddle of mud, emerging not as the affable university president, but rather a very veritable version of the venerable Hogg.
As the week went on, more evidence surfaced of a bizarre Maxson-Hogg homogenization, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the consternating Tony Danza-Scott Baio brouhaha of 1987, in which “Who’s the Boss?,” was inevitably usurped by “Charles In Charge.” For instance, in a press conference addressing Duke University’s recent plans to upgrade their basketball facilities with a large, blue pyramid, purportedly to be even larger and bluer than CSULB’s, Maxson was quoted to exclaim, in a classic Hoggian outburst, “Goddamn those Dukes!”
Maxson’s own questionable platform of Hogg/Machiavellian political stratagems has not aided his cause to dispel these rumors, nor has his recent acquisition of a vintage 1969 Dodge Charger, replete with the legendary “01” emblazoned across the suicide doors, along with a proud Confederate flag, and the original 450 horsepower V8 engine of the General Lee. However, most shocking of all are the recent allegations of his private, insatiable lust for Don Bluth’s seminal “Animal Farm” meets “Yellow Submarine” opera, “Rock-A-Doodle,” featuring the voiceover talents of one Sorrell Booke, bringing the conspiracy full-circle.
As this goes to print, Boss Maxson has denied to reply to the Grunion investigative reporting team’s constant haranguing for comment, but his aide, Rosco Coltrane, is preparing a statement for release later in the week.
Originally printed 11.6.00
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