WASHINGTON, DC—This past Tuesday, the hotly contended decision of Green Party candidate Ralph “Starbucks Blows” Nader to remain in the presidential race, even with ostensibly no chance of winning, resulted in the greatest coup ever to disrupt the sacred two-party system of the United States. Nader confounded the Washington intelligentsia by racking up a staggering 327 electoral votes and carrying the key battle states of Pennsylvania, Florida, and Alaska.
“And to think everyone was worried that I’d succeed only in dividing the Democrat voters, thus robbing Gore of a small yet vital amount of votes, in effect, gift wrapping the Oval Office for Bush,” chuckled a bemused and visibly inebriated Nader. “It’s like I’ve said all along,” he continued, but not before pinching the rear of a comely young aid, “people just don’t invest enough faith in the extreme, leftist coalitions of this great nation.”
Not surprisingly, Democratic candidate Al Gore had nothing but kind words for the president-elect. “Gosh, I was a tad disappointed at first, but it’s wonderful to see actual proof that the Electoral College works. God bless America!”
In the midst of outfitting his prized 1985 Cadillac with a glorious pair of longhorns, former GOP hopeful George W. Bush took a time out to crack open a Miller Lite and share his thoughts on the election. “Goddamn, man, I mean, them Green assholes—can I say “assholes?”—is going to do one helluva job for this here country, whee doggy! Besides, now I can concentrate on running a new baseball team from the great state of Texas into the ground. Don’t mess with Texas!”
The first order of business on the new President’s agenda will be to “remove all vestiges of corporate influence from the White House.” 14 able-bodied Navajo Indians have already been commissioned to convert the historic edifice to adobe. Furthermore, a dozen Inuit tailors are being flown in from their colony within the Arctic Circle to augment the new president’s wardrobe with a plethora of all-natural hemp underwear. In his own words, “I don’t go in for that Fruit of the Loom shit.”
Later in the week, Nader is expected to give his adoring public a stern lecture from the Lotus Position, reprimanding them for “suckling at the tit of Big Money like so many Cambodian whores.” The commander in chief will then wax at length on his greatness, take two spoonfuls of wheat germ, and go to bed early.
Nader’s Yahoo! Inaugural Ball is still in the works, but it is rumored that the Eagles will play.
Originally printed 11.13.00
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