And so the holy brotherhood of Delta Abu Domini was rocked to its foundations this past Sabbath, as word spread far and wide that certain friars were guilty of lying with members of the weaker sex out of wedlock. Though it is uncertain at this point what the ecclesiastical ramifications of these allegations might be, it can be said with all due legitimacy that this is a dark day for the hallowed ranks of DAD.
“It’s just lamentable,” said Pyrobotany major Ishmael of Lakewood, “I mean, Moses didn’t bring us those tablets for no reason, you know.”
Several members of the disgraced fraternity who claimed to be “saving themselves” came forward to the press in order to describe the lecherous affairs that they beheld. “Well, my compatriot, Jehosephats, had taken too much libation at a recent gathering, and hence began on a long jeremiad that would have made Job blush about how he hadn’t known a woman in years,” started one informant who wished to remain anonymous. “And so he began listing the names of the girls he coveted at the party, and, well, let’s just say that he didn’t give much heed to the noble book of Leviticus that evening.”
The accusations did not end there, for another shamed Delta Abu stepped forward with tears in his eyes to confess the carnal atrocities that he had seen. “’Twas a regular Sodom & Gomorrah in that detestable, Hell-bent cathedral of the flesh,” he sobbed, tearing his shirt, “it pains me to betray my brothers in this fashion, but lo I saw Jeremiah leading several loose women and unshorn sheep into his cell, Saleh I witnessed tempted into certain unmentionable, arcane copulation rites, and worst of all, I saw noble Methuselah begetting head on the couch.”
Officers of the Campus Police Stoning Battalion are expected to serve these licentious beasts of DAD the divine vengeance that they deserve. “We’re going to send these perverts up the river,” promised Stoning Captain Jacob Isaac at a recent press conference. “No, really. We are going to literally tie them down to some old tree trunks and float them up the nearest river.”
The community also expects to see the implicated harlots and sheep to throw themselves from a tall cliff in order to atone for seducing and befouling their innocent concubines. If the fall kills them, then they shall be cleansed; if not, they shall climb a taller cliff and leap again.
Whether or not this just punishment will be enough to deter future lustful acts from perpetration remains to be seen.
By Absalom Lombardo
Long Beach Bible
Originally printed 12.4.00
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