Services

OPTION: Family Violence Treatment Programs

Counselling for Men, Women and Children

The following may answer some common questions asked by women who are in an abusive relationship.  Also, the information provided may answer some questions regarding the Option program for men.

Based on our experience working with men who are abusive in their relationship, some men will call for the OPTION program after their partner has left, threatened to leave, or obtained a Peace Bond or Restraining Order from the court.   Many of our clients have told us that it was only after their partners left or got a court order that they realized the seriousness of their violence. 

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence includes some of the following:

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE includes all aggressive acts directed toward a person’s body such as slapping, punching, kicking, shoving, chocking, biting, pinching, stabbing, using weapons such as knives and guns, breaking bones, confinement, murder, restraining, spitting, stalking .   It may also include throwing objects or using objects to hurt and intimidate, etc.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE may include forced sex with objects, animals or persons, forced sexual acts, degrading jokes and comments, unwanted touching, sexual harassment, refusal of touches and caresses or sexual acts, hitting you before, during or after sexual acts, treating sex as his right and your duty, etc.

DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY is at times used to intimidate you as your partner may be very deliberate in his choice of objects he destroys, such as your property, something special to you, punching or kicking walls, breaking decorations, breaking furniture, ripping out and breaking the telephone, etc.

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL VIOLENCE such as anger towards women as a group, verbally attacking your personality, attitudes or beliefs, consistently ignoring your feelings, shouting, insulting, belittling, humiliating, intimidation, name calling, making threats, driving dangerously with you in the car, taking away your house or car keys, locking you in or out of the house, harassing you with phone calls and uninvited visits, blaming you for everything that goes wrong with the couple relationship, blaming you for abusive incidents, throwing and breaking objects in your presence, threatening friends or relatives, threatening to kill you or himself, jealousy, accusing you of things you have not done, isolating you from friends and family, denying social contact, controlling who can visit you and when, and other forms of controlling behavior.

FINANCIAL ABUSE such as controlling all incoming money which may be another person’s, abusing credit cards by excessive spending, pawning your possessions, requiring you to ask permission to spend money, refusing to include you in financial decisions, refusing you access to jointly held funds or credits, withholding child support payments, etc.

Can he really change?

Yes.  Asking for help is the first step towards change. What happens after that depends on your partner's motivation and commitment to address his problems and the level of responsibility he demonstrates for his behaviors.  The elimination of violence is most likely for men who complete the 12 session program, apply the skills learned, and accepts total responsibility for their behaviors; however even with those steps there is no guarantee that your partner will change. Some men have continued to be violent and controlling after attending the program. Please read the section "How do I know if he's changed?", as this information may be helpful in assessing change regarding your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Am I to blame for this violence?

Absolutely not. The primary goal of our counseling program is to help each man to accept total responsibility for the violence, regardless of whatever other problems may exist in the relationship. We believe that violence in any relationship is never justified, excusable or provoked. Abusive men often blame other people, events or situations for their violence such as their partner, their children, frustration, work pressures, or their own upbringings. Many men say that their partner provokes them to be violent; however no one can cause another person to be violent.  Your partner makes choices regarding how to respond to you or to his own frustrations.  His violence is not a reaction to you, it is a response to his own feelings and frustrations and an attempt to dominate and control.  His violence can only make matters worse since it always hurts you and creates a climate of fear and mistrust.

Wouldn't couple counseling be a better solution?

We do not recommend couple counseling for victims of domestic violence as it is generally an inappropriate, ineffective and unsafe intervention.  During couple counseling sessions, your partner may stay focused on blaming and criticizing you, rather than dealing with his own problems.  He may minimize, deny, justify, rationalize or blame his feelings and behaviors on you.  He may even retaliate against you physically or verbally for what was said in the session.  It is important to remember that abuse is a problem within the abuser, not a problem in the relationship.

However, couple counseling may be appropriate once your partner has stopped being abusive, demonstrated accountability for his behaviors, you feel safe and you have freely chosen couple counseling as an option.  We also recommend that your partner continues with group intervention by attending the Maintenance Program in conjunction with couple counseling.

Doesn't alcohol or drugs cause him to be violent?

No. While some men are abusive only after they have been drinking or using drugs, this does not mean that substance abuse causes him to be violent.  It is important to consider the fact that some men who drink or use drugs are not abusive and some men who are abusive do not drink or use drugs.  Substance abuse is not the cause of violence but may lower inhibitions.  Alcohol and drug use is too often used as an excuse; however by placing the blame on the alcohol or the drugs the aggressor is not taking responsibility for his behavior.  The use of alcohol or drugs may provide him with an excuse to blame, minimize, rationalize his behaviors by saying “it wasn't me; it was the alcohol." When a man drinks or uses drugs and is violent, he has two problems for which he must take responsibility; the violence and the substance abuse.

What if he's sorry?

Many men who are abusive towards their partner are sorry about it afterwards; however this doesn't mean he'll stop being violent.  In fact, guilt and remorse are part of what is known as the "cycle of violence" for some but not all men who batter. The cycle begins with a slow build up of tension and eventually leads to the explosion of violence. The violence is then followed by a period in which the man sometimes feels guilty or ashamed. This is called the "Hearts & Flowers" or honeymoon stage because his guilt or fears of her leaving him lead him to make up by giving her flowers and apologies.  It is important to realize that it takes more than flowers and apologies for him to end his violence. He must take total responsibility for his violence and the impact that it has had on you and the children.  He must want to change for himself. This process of change can take many months of counseling.

Should I leave him?

Your first consideration should be the safety of your children and yourself.  It is important to care for yourself and your children, as your partner is the only one who can change his behaviors.

What happens in the counseling groups at OPTION?

The goal of the program is to stop and prevent all types of violence towards women in relationships and promote healthy relationships.  Each group is made up of 8-10 men who are or have been abusive.  The group is facilitated by two counselors and consists of twelve, two hour sessions held once per week.  The individual will be seen for an assessment and possibly a few individual sessions prior to attending the program.   As the man begins the group, he is requested to establish personal goals by reflecting on what he wants to change about himself.   The following gives examples of some of the goals established:

• Ending violence (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual)
• Becoming a better listener
• Respecting the differences of others
• Learning to express feelings other than anger
• Learning to express anger appropriately
• Giving more support and praise to others
• Becoming less competitive
• Learning to relax, being more patient
• Developing his own interests and friendships
• Not making others responsible for his feelings and behavior

The men work on these goals by talking with each other in the group and practicing new skills and behaviors outside the group. Each session begins by having each man report on his past week. Besides violence, the men talk about their controlling patterns towards others, expectations of their partners and children, feelings behind anger, attitudes toward women, friendships among men, work pressures and responsibilities, parenting and common aspects of growing up as males.

The emphasis of the program is on ending violence and on learning different ways of communicating feelings and solving problems without being controlling.

The group facilitators help the men stay focused on their goals, provide support, education, and insight. Usually, the men get to know each other quite well and come to recognize the importance of talking with other men in more personal and trusting ways. Men may be encouraged to call and see each other between sessions, especially when they are feeling tense or in need of support.

How do I know if he's changed?

There are some questions you can ask yourself that might provide you with information whether real change is happening or not.

These include:

• Has he stopped being violent or threatening towards me and others?
• Has he stopped blaming me for his actions and behaviors?
• Has he stopped minimizing the abuse?
• Has he completely stopped saying and doing things which frighten me?
• Can I discuss upsetting topics and feel safe?
• Does he respect my spending time with friends and family?
• Does he listen to my opinions and respect it, even if it is upsetting?
• Can I do other things that are important to me such as going to school or getting a job without his permission?
• Can I be with him without feeling afraid?
• Is he able to be angry without becoming verbally or physically abusive?
• Can he negotiate with me without being accusatory or controlling?
• Can he respect my right to say "no"?
• Is he able to express feelings other than anger?
• Does he respect my right to be different and to make my own decisions?
• Do I feel respected and listened to when I want to speak?

Support and Suggestions for Women

It is common for women who are or have been in an abusive relationship to feel isolated, depressed, afraid, angry etc.  If you are having these feelings, you may need support from someone who understands what it is like to live with abuse and will not judge you for what you do or don't do.

Family Service Moncton offers a support group for women who are or have been in an abusive relationship.  For more info, please read the section Option: women’s group program description.  

Support is also available at the women's shelters listed on this page. It provides emergency shelter and counseling in a supportive atmosphere for women who have been physically, psychologically and/or sexually assaulted.  We encourage you to find out about these options regardless of whether you intend to use them at this time.  It's always best to have a plan in the event of an emergency.   All shelter services are confidential and they are in secret locations.

If you have been abused and you want some legal protection, you can obtain a Peace Bond or a Restraining Order from the court.  Such orders will give temporary protection. If he breaks these orders, he can be arrested or removed from your home. It is a good idea to have such protection even if your partner is in counseling.

Whatever your plans are at the moment, we hope you do call Family Service Moncton or the shelter in order to talk with someone who understands.

Family Service Moncton
857-3258

Crossroads for Women
853-0811

In all other areas, contact the Dept. of Family and Community Services