PART 2
Where we last left off, Gene Ray had just said Hi to me right before he called me stupid. After I wiped away my tears, I wrote him yet another charming piece of evidence in what could easily become a sexual harrassment trial. I wouldn't be surprised if this old guy pressed charges after he's been told that his penis is a vagina. Hell, the guy thinks that math is killing us, why wouldn't he believe what I said about his inverted genitals? Here's my next masterpiece.

EMAIL #4

From: jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: Gene is a stupid name
Date: Fri, 08 Feb 2002

Dear Gene, master of the lingerie department,

Okay, so far I've sent you three emails and all of them have been the words of an old man who randomly puts "stupid" and "evil" into basic sentences in order to sound better than everybody.  For example, a normal sentence may go something like, "The walrus ate the bus full of orphans."  By running that sentence into the Gene Ray filter we end up with "The evil stupid walrus stupid evil bus stupid of orphans stupid evil.  stupid evil."  Hey, if I was impotent I'm sure I'd talk like that, too.

Another thing that confuses the hell out of me is how you talk about a cube having four sides.  Dude, a cube has six faces.  So why the hell is your Magic Anti-Stupid Time Cube of Wonders all about a four-sided Earth?  Huh?  Explain that, tough guy.  Yeah, I knew you couldn't.  Probably because you can't answer me before I send this email. But I'd bet most of the pope's vital organs that you'll just respond to this email with "Stupid evil stupid stupid evil cubeless time warp!" or something else that hints at the fact that you're suffering from several severe birth defects.

I've realized something lately that I must admit has not only shocked me, but it has startled me, astounded, and shocked me again.  Your name is Gene Ray, right?  Well, I was thinking about the X-men awhile ago and I remembered that there's a character whose name sounds almost exactly like yours.  Her name is Jean Gray and she's really fucking hot.  What's it like being named after an X-men hottie?  I bet you're angry that your breasts aren't as firm.  I bet yours are all wrinkly and droopy.  It sure sucks to be you, crazy old guy with saggy man tits.

And here's yet another quote from your herpes-infested  shitbag website. "Stupid students believe any crap they're taught. Stupid students unableto evaluate Time Cube. Students ignore Time Cube, attack messenger."  And yes, "unableto" is written like that.

What the hell kind of stupid students were you around?  Stupid students don't go to school and when they do it's only to deal marijuana in the girls bathroom.  That second sentence isn't even a sentence.  It's some sort of ugly phrase masquerading around as proper English.  It seems you hate stupid people, so it'd be my guess that you want to inform a more intelligent crowd.  To do this, I suggest you do the following things:

1) Learn some fucking English.
This can best be done by basing your sentence structures off of something other than fortune cookies and kung fu movie dialogue.

2)Lose the colorful fonts.
Nobody wants to look at a webpage that's got more colors than a bowl of Fruit Loops.  And man, I can't even eat your webpage after I pour milk on it.  What a ripoff.

3) Drop that "nobody can understand me" act.
If nobody can ever comprend what the hell you're ranting about, don't talk about it.  Just stay at home all day and yell at the neighbor kids for going in your bushes.  It's a rule that all insane senior citizens have to do that. That whole pissing your pants thing is optional.

4) Kill yourself.
If your life is over, there'll be one less moron in the world.  How ironic that a man who thinks he's better than God is in reality just a tart with a website.  I should have probably put this at the top of the list, but I figured you should work before I tell you to stop living.

Another fun quote from your brain:
"-1 x -1=+1 is stupid and evil."

How is this evil?  It's a fucking math problem.  You'll never hear this conversation:
MAYOR: "Quick, someone's robbing the bank!  Save us, Batman!"
BATMAN: "Which dastardly villain is wreaking havoc on an unsuspecting town this time?  The Joker?  The Scarecrow? The French?"
MAYOR: "Worse.  It's that math problem again."
BATMAN: "Oh crap, I give up.  Nobody can stop -1x-1=+1!  Not even Gene Ray, the famous idiot."
MAYOR: "Agreed.  Hey, you wanna hang out later and play chess?"
BATMAN: "Can't.  Me and Robin are working out."
MAYOR: "Again?  I swear there's something going on with you two."
BATMAN: "No, trust me.  Lord knows that will never happen again."
MAYOR: "Ok.  So...uh...how was your day?"
BATMAN: "I have to go now, Mayor." (hangs up)

One reason this will never happen is because nobody hates a math problem unless they're old and bitter.  Another reason this conversation will never happen is because the Mayor doesn't call Batman.  He uses the BatSignal.  Man, you totally fell for it, Gene Ray.

That's all for now, you wacky mad scientist.  Don't you go killing anybody because I've found an argument for your shit theories.  Have a great day*!

*This sentence is in fact very sarcastic.  I hope you burn in hell, but since you don't believe in hell I hope you burn in a furnace which will burn you regardless of whether or not you believe in furnaces.

With all the love a guy can have for another guy without being gay,
Henry


With all that said, I guess poor Gene couldn't stick to calling me just stupid. He proceeded to say the meanest thing I've ever heard an old man say.

RESPONSE #4

From: oray612959@earthlink.net
To: jackasskid@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Gene is a stupid name
Date: Fri, 08 Feb 2002

When did you begin to talk through your rectum?
GR


Okay, so maybe that wasn't the meanest thing I've ever heard an old guy say. One time this bearded dude said, "You're the worst grandson I've ever had." I felt bad until I remembered that I have no idea who the hell this guy is. In conclusion, Gene Ray is neither mean nor clever. To show him how much I still care about him, I wrote him yet again.

EMAIL #5

From: jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: All Hail Gene Ray!
Date: Sat, 09 Feb 2002

Dear Gene, queen of rock and roll,
That is by far the lamest thing I have ever heard a supposedly intelligent person say.  Talking through my rectum...holy shit, that's comedy gold.  Where do you come up with this crap?  Did the Time Cube tell you?  Or was it the fake God that man created?  I bet it was one of your friends down at the X-Men Academy.  Nah, nevermind. You're Gene Ray, creator of the Time Cube and the guy who waves his penis at children, not Jean Gray, that psychic chick with the tight ass.

So what was it like growing up with the name Gene?  By watching TV, I've deduced that Gene is a name possessed by computer nerds, elderly shopkeepers in old sitcoms, and talking hamsters.  So which one could you be?  I'll take the following space to record my train of thought.

Computer nerd?
No, of course not.  Computer nerds use numbers instead of vowels L1K3 TH15.  Big ol' computer dorks can also usually throw together a decent website when they have to, which you have not.

Elderly shopkeeper in an old sitcom?
I doubt it.  The Gene we've all come to know and love that works at the local grocery store where the sitcom moms shop has always been a modest man.  He'll provide valuable advice while handing the sitcom mom some sliced cat or whatever the hell meat that moms eat.  And no matter what, he always wears his work apron.  Even if he's dead.

Talking hamster?
Well, you aren't the other ones, so by method of deduction I've discovered that you are, in fact, a talking hamster.

"USA on a path to cannibalism."
It'd be nice to get my hands on whatever drug led you to this conclusion.  It'd sell for millions on the black market.  Everyone would then take it, become a big asshole, and then sit around responding to emails to me with funny words like "rectum."

So how is the USA on a path to eating people?  There are African countries where people eat people.  If you're going to give people crap, go bug them.  Hell, fly over there using your mystical Cube of Time or whatever.  Oh, and get eaten.  That'd be great.

So if I had to imagine what the hell would make you think that Americans are ready to devour Grandma, I'd guess that it would all have to start with KFC, where people eat chicken legs.  And then you can pretend that the chicken legs are children legs and that children legs are entire human beings being eaten with a side of lukewarm mashed potatoes that have been molested by an apathetic food service employee.  I think eating bad fast food is much worse than cannibalism.  Fortunately for you, talking hamsters don't eat hamburgers or fried chicken.  Just dick.

"If only the dead people who god did not save, could return and give their opinion of a god."
Yeah, that would be something, wouldn't it?  They could come back and right before they talk about a god I could run up to them and scream, "ZOMBIE!" right before I kick their zombie asses like in some arcade game where you have to shoot the zombies before they kill you with a chainsaw or some other weapon that all zombies seem to carry with them.  And then you'd wear a dress, you sissy talking house pet.

Now here I want you to be honest.  Is this all a big joke?  Do you seriously think there's a 4-sided cube controlling our lives?  You can tell me.  I swear on Abe Lincoln's grave that I won't tell anyone.  And let's suppose I do tell someone your dirty secret for a second.  That means that something bad will happen to Abe Lincoln.  Maybe he'll come back as a zombie and talk about a god right after I kick his zombie ass.  I'm not gonna let his chainsaw get me.  You know why?  I've played House of the Dead like three times.  I'll kick his ass and then yours, you dress-wearing little hamster.  Go run on your wheel before I step on your Time Cube and make you cry. Motherfucker.

With all the evil you'd expect from a person who isn't you,
Henry



No response. I think he's either blocked me or died. Regardless of whether his respirator is still functional, I wrote him a sixth and final email.

EMAIL #6

From: jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: I wish I was impotent, too
Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002

I figured out why you try to impress everyone with your complicated circular logic.  You have a vagina.  That's right, your old man penis has collapsed like a dead star into itself to create a black hole of a different kind. Now you menstruate and you're pissed off enough to make a website and a crackpot theory just so everyone will sympathize with your ovaries.

In what I guess is a website that you own you said,
"Time Cube is banned 'Forbidden Truth'."

If nobody knows what the hell it is, then how is it forbidden?  Before you invented this Time Cube after a night of binging on period medication and having sex with exotic dancing horses, nobody knew what the hell your Time Cube was.  In fact, ever since you told everyone about your Time Dodecahedron everything was just fine.  Now that you've told the world about it, look what's happened!  Does the date "September 11, 2001" ring a bell?  Huh?  Does it? ANSWER ME!!!  Well, in that case, I'll just assume that you know what I'm talking about.  You were one of the suicide bombers and I hold you responsible just like you hold your lover, the horse, in a fit of mad passion before you sex the hell out of it.  And the horse is a boy, Vagina Man.

At one point you put these words in blue over a pretty purple background.  I believe you said:
"All Clock Faces Are Wrong." but it didn't look nearly as elegant as you presented it, you fashion queen, you.

Normally I'd point out how you're wrong but I think this time I'll just point out how I think your face is wrong, you ugly iguana-starfish hybrid.  Don't fuck with me.  I know big words like "hybrid" and "iguana".  And "prostate cancer", which I hope you contract.

One time you decided to throw some green text onto a blatantly feminine orange-red background and say something that goes a little like this:
"No plant nor animal speaks word, a fraud by evil adults."

Have you ever heard of a gorilla named Koko?  It talks, you son of a bitch!  It talks!  It uses sign language because its gorilla tongue can't form verbal words.  That right there is an animal using words, you fart knocker. Bees use word-like things to communicate.  Sometimes, they dance to say stuff like "Yo, the honey's over there, fool." or "Hey, let's go sting those girl scouts."  Those may as well be words.  Oh, by the way, bees have sex.  I just thought you should know that.

I'm sure plants talk, too.  I'm sure if you built a robot out of apple trees and made it say something plant-like such as, "Please give me water, human boy.  And a baby spruce, for I am hungry!" the plants would look like they're talking.  "But it'll be human powered," you'll think while putting on a bra.  Well, you're wrong, Gene Ray.  It'll be powered by Koko, the sign language gorilla that will some day kill you, motherfucker.  I'm not sure why I said Koko will kill you.  I think I just wanted to call you a motherfucker, you motherfucker.

One time you used a fancy black font to say this:
"St. Petersburg Times is Evil for refusing to inform public about the recent discovery of Nature's 4-Day Time Cube - greatest scientific discovery of humanity"

Uh oh, were you rejected Gene Ray?  I have a story about rejection.  One day I asked a girl if she'd go out with me.  You know what she said, Gene?  NO.  She said NO.  In caps, just like that.  You know why?  The world is a cruel place.  But did I say "This girl is evil for refusing to inform herself of my massive penis"?  No.  I respected her for who she is.  And then I put the handgun away.

One time, after a keg of llama semen was pumped into your body, you mumbled,
"I am writing a "Time Cube" book that will contradict and condemn every religious and scientific book written and why not, for I am the Greatest Thinker and the Wisest Human."

I think your Time Cube book needs a crime fighting teenager with razor sharp wit and possibly a canine sidekick. Maybe he can use magic and drive a magic wagon or something.  I don't know what it'll be about.  Time Cube is your acid trip, not mine.  Just be sure to make another shitty website when bookstores refuse to sell it due to lack of quality.

I think I'll be sure to chat at your sexy 75-year-old ass very soon because old people tend to die suddenly and I want to talk to you as much as possible before you stop breathing.

Have a stupendously naked day!

With platonic love that probably won't grow into anything too homosexual,
-Henry



Victory!
I'm sure some day Gene Ray will stop being a stubborn old clown penis, but until that happens I'll be forced to put his email address on numerous pornography mailing lists. Although I consider this a win for smartass teenagers everywhere, I can't help but feel bad about swearing at that filthy geriatric. That wacky scientist guy has touched me in ways no drunken uncle ever could, so I've decided to write a haiku about him.

Gene Ray, giant bird
Flying high into Arby's
Wear some fucking pants