Aside from being overly nice and considerate of fellow human beings, I have other flaws, too. Apparently showing instances of myself swearing at strangers on the AIM convos page gives any and all readers the idea that I am Satan or at least some other guy in red spandex who pokes people with a big spork. If word of this gets out, a bunch of priests will chase me with holy Evian spring water, so it would be in my best interest to make up bunch of lies to debunk such atrocious fallacies.
I don't even resemble Satan or even his cousin the Hamburglar. Calling people filthy crackers while talking on the internet isn't evil. It's expected. Being online means that you're either there for pornography, anonymous vilification, or a combination of the two. I think that'd be like two chicks going at it while calling each other fat bitches and slathering each other with flaming hot tar. One thing people tend to not notice is that most of the AIM convos I've been stupid enough to post involve people contacting me for no damn reason just to brighten my day with a plethora of really fucking horrible typos and maybe some mindless web talk which will undoubtedly go something like, "wts up? nm u? nm" and then it's over. Holy crap, that was just one big sentence. Shit, I just typed what I'm thinking. And then I did it again. And again just now. And again. And again. Ah, fuck.
What would petting zoos be without something to pet? What would farms be without something to have sex with? They'd be buildings full of animal crap, that's what. It's for that reason that I think animals are bad ass. Without them, many industries would collapse and many lonely farmers would be forced to have sex with their wives, and that's just nasty. Animals not only provide petting zoos with revenue and farmers with poontang, but they also let old ladies have something to fill their apartments with. Would the elderly woman down the street be called "Crazy Cat Lady" without crazy cats? No, she'd just be "Lady", and that's the name of that dog in some Disney movie where mermaids dance with a talking teacup while Bambi's mom is shot by John Wilkes Booth hiding in a book depository. Cuddly puppies, kittens with puffy fur, and giraffes kissing each other have allowed America's economy to grow into a wealthy powerhouse that includes a market for girly calenders found mostly in flower shops, elementary schools, and calender shops. Without gorillas in adorable little thinking poses my dentist wouldn't have anything to put on his wall to annoy the hell out of me while he puts a large drill in my mouth and asks me how school is even though all of my answers are either "ahhh" for "good" or "ah ahhh" for "you don't even care, you skank with an electric tooth cleaning machine". Cute animals let people go "Awwwww" and then "Mmmmmmm" because they're not only lovable, they're what's for dinner. I am not photogenic. I think the best way to convince someone over the internet to have sex with you is to send them a picture that you claim is yourself but is really some sort of model, such as Jenny McCarthy or a miniature B-2 Stealth Bomber. Unfortunately for me, I was given a conscience when I was born so I have a problem with sending people pictures of hot guys and then saying it's me, even if it really is me. If I ever show a girl a picture of that guy in the J Crew catalogue or maybe a picture of me dressed up as a bunny for Halloween in 2nd grade and the girl says that the person in the picture is hot, I usually end up telling the girl the truth. I say,"That guy in the cashmere is some guy I found on a website about America's Most Wanted Child Molestors" or "Dude, you're one messed up hoe. I was seven in the picture." So that way they're either fantasizing about a supposed pederast or they're becoming one. I think every picture of me ever taken has resulted in me looking like I'm either really high, painfully constipated, or a woman who is trying to take a crap but she decided to smoke a joint beforehand. Any school-appointed photographer has had me do asinine things, like turn my head too far to the left and then say "Pizza!" or any other word from the Big List of Stupid Photographer Words. This lists includes the always-idiotic "Pepperoni!" and "Girls!", but not words that would effectively get a student's attention like "Oral sex!" or "Head lice!"
Stupid Life Anecdote One day around Christmastime (or "The holiday season" as the politically-correct cock nibblers like to call it), I was forcefully tied up and thrown into the trunk of my dad's car and driven to a Christmas breakfast thing intended to remind me that I'm a miserable plebeian incapable of eating upper-class food. So I walk in there with my dad and brothers and think, "Fuck." As I sat down at a table shared with people I don't know, I thought "Fuck." And as I went up to the buffet thing not knowing what anything was, I thought "Hey, food!" and then "Fuck" when I remembered that I still didn't know what anything was. Normally, when I see shrimp, I intend to either eat it or dip it in something and then eat it. At this particular buffet, I saw shrimp so my first impulse commanded me immediately to eat it, but my second impulse slapped my first impulse on the hand and said "No." Then a third impulse came in and yelled at both impulses for fighting. And then I put some shrimp on my plate.
So I kind of sat there with unchewable seafood in my mouth while pondering how hard I'd have to jab a fork into my eye so that I'd die as quickly as possible. I'm pretty sure I kept that look on my face for about five minutes while the shrimp remained in my cheek and mocked me. I then drink some 24-karat fruit juice and sampled the sausage made from pigs that died from overdosing on wealth. Ya know, fancy shit. All the while that shrimp was sitting in my mouth and I didn't know anybody near me well enough to let them watch me spit unpeeled crustacean into a maid's lap or whatever rich people use to wipe their faces. When I was absolutely sure nobody nearby was going to see me I got that filthy bastard shrimp out of my mouth and went on with my fancy breakfast. So the picture seen above is me with food in my mouth. Sure, it may not be that shelled shrimp from hell, but it's still me having my picture taken by someone who doesn't like me, hence the "Go away, I hate you" look on my face.
Any other pics of that have appeared on this site have similar stories behind them. The one that hides my face and makes all women think I'm hot was taken while breaking apart pumpkins with a shovel a week or two after Halloween. I'm pretty sure I was dropping the F-bomb when the dipshit holding the camera took my picture. The other middle finger pic that all adults seem to hate was taken at a time when I don't want my picture taken, or as I like to call it, "Any time, you bastard, now put the camera down." The car humping pic was taken when I was...uh...humping a car. No real story behind that, but I'm sure whatever it will be repeated to a therapist in the not-too-distant future where people drive automatic cars and carry cancer-causing communication devices. My God, the future is now!
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