 Everybody, feel special now that you can meet Pop Culture Frosty Version 2.0! Yes, the Frosty we all grew up with has decided that his old image is the kind of thing his new image would beat up and rob of all its lunch money. I, his publicity manager, will show you exactly how Frosty has changed. Say goodbye to that stupid corncob pipe! Kiss those coal buttons a fine farewell because they’re going straight into a garbage can so they can be eaten by hungry rats! Now that he’s gotten rid of his old crap, meet the accessories the new, improved Frosty has! Casual Hair- These days, many actors come to award shows with hairstyles you’d think were prepared by a mentally handicapped chimp. Frosty’s decided to capitalize on this trend by never combing the hair he had medically grafted to his snowy skull. Remember, kids. It’s not messy. It’s contemporary. Rippling Biceps- I’ve been watching MTV for a solid 48 hours now and I can’t help but notice how every guy on that MTV thing unnaturally has large muscles. You kids like muscles, don’t you? Of course you do! That’s why we tore off those skinny twigs and gave Frosty prosthetic biceps. Cannon Nose- Patriotism is at its strongest right now because America is currently pounding the living crap out of some foreign country or something. Anyway, lots of people watch the news now and what’s on the news? Killing machines. That’s why Frosty’s been given a deadly cannon nose to replace that stupid carrot. Thing That a Tank Shoots- It came with the cannon nose. Abercrombie Tattoo- Everyone loves a brand name. Why not have it permanently added to your skin? Shades- When you’re cool, you shouldn’t see people less cool than you. It ruins your image. That’s why these shades are tinted to the point where they make Frost blind so he can’t see uncool people like you. Yes, you. You’re not cool. That’s why you’re reading this. Loser. Robot Tank Treads- As a child I watched Power Rangers a lot and there were all sorts of robots flying around breaking stuff. I figured Frosty would become a smash hit at all the parties if he looked like something that could roll around and fight giant robots. Bling Bling- Frosty best be flossin’ ice if he wants to be pimpin’ the hoes, homey. West siiiide to yo mama. Frosty’s ballin’ outta control. I’m not really sure what that means, but I heard some guy with shiny teeth say that on MTV so it must be hip. The fresh, new Frosty theme song will no longer be about Frosty adventures with children. That’s just creepy. Frosty’s new song will be a rap with a phat beat. It may not seem like this rap will flow, but keep in mind that Frosty is made of snow and snow is white so his chances of being a successful rapper are low. But he’s not a rapper. He’s a pop icon and part-time sex symbol whose hobbies include partying, women, and partying with women. Everybody come get your party on Come listen, all you people, to the Frosty song Frosty be mackin’ all over the place If you cross his path he’ll punch you in the face He isn’t sugar and he isn’t spice But he’s got the bling bling and he’s flossin’ his ice He doesn’t have a waist, so he doesn’t have a belt He goes north for the summer so he doesn’t melt He’s got tank treads so he can fight crime And end any war with his tank nose in no time His fake teeth are a lovely shade of pearl And did you know last night he was with yo’ girl? (At this point the songwriter ran out of lyrics so the song will end with a bunch of people screaming “Pregnant chickens poured cocoa on my face!” until the audience is so confused they listen to something else.) 
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