Shortest Stories Awhile ago I was given three sentences that were supposed to make up what my English teacher called a "shortest story." I thought this was a good chance to take advantage of an assignment I thought was ready to be molested-...uh...used as a creative outlet. Yeah, that doesn't sound too perverted. Here's the sample my class was given. A woman is sitting in her old, shuttered house. She knows that she is alone in the whole world; every other thing is dead. The doorbell rings. Like most of the class, I didn't understand a damn word of it, so I did the Henry thing and wrote too much stuff and all of it made little to no sense. Here's the crap I turned in. "I'm sorry, but what you just did wasn't proper bowling etiquette," said the man bowling beside me. "Oh, is this improper too?!" I screamed, throwing my bowling ball at his fragile skull. Only one of us walked away. The man had everything he needed. He had no family, for he had sold them into slavery. His job was no more, for he felt Hooters didn't need another waitress. Oddly enough, he was perfectly content with what he had. He burst into flames. This girl is the most popular girl in the school. She thinks on her own. She smells like flowers. She hunts and kills her own food. Nothing could make her happier. She got hit by a truck. The cow lived by itself on the cow farm. There were no other cows to accompany it while grazing. In fact, it wasn't even a cow farm. The cow simply lived alone with a lonely man. This cow is pregnant. This boy has plenty of friends. All the kids play soccer with him on recess and everybody wants him on their team. He ate a rock and choked to death. A bear is wandering a campground. Clothes are strewn about the floor in a new shade of red. Suddenly, the bear eats a clown. I became tired after running for miles. I promised myself not to get caught after all I'd been through. Hours later, I gave up and let the midget have his shoe back. He'd never seen the club like that before. Getting in was easy and everyone smiled and wore a dress. "This is the weirdest Cub Scout group I've ever seen," he thought. Something about the biscuits made Billy hunger for more. Curiousity forced him to check the ingredients of his new favorite food. As he peered into the kitchen, all he saw was an older woman squatting over a pan. Quick Fun Fact: I crossed out this one because I didn't want my English teacher to hate me after she got done puking breakfast all over my paper. After injecting himself with insulin seven times this week and being rushed to the hospital immediately after every shot, he could only think of one thing. Maybe he's not a diabetic after all. The cat peered up at the boy with its big yellow eyes as if to say something. "No, cat," said the boy, "I'm still going to teach you to fly." Gravity took hold of the cat for the next twenty feet. A woman is sitting in her old, shuttered house. She knows that she is alone in the whole world; every other thing is dead. The doorbell rings. Wait, no it doesn't.